So, I decided for one night only to come out of recapping retirement for the Superstar Shakeup WWE Is doing. If Jim Ross can come back to commentate a match every few years I can do RAW Is RIV just this once. Don’t expect all the bells and whistles. And don’t expect me to do this shit every week again. I need to retain SOME dignity.
RAW comes to you live from Nassau Coliseum, a building which WWE has a lot of history with. Michael Cole, Byron Saxton and Corey Graves call the action which is evidence of the fact there is no God. RAW opens with John Cena’s music. If you’re keeping score, John Cena is a member of Smackdown.
Oh wait, we’re opening with Miz and Maryse dressed as John Cena and Nikki Bella. That’s even better. At least we know if Cena or Nikki dies we can have Miz and Maryse reprise the roles. I enjoy them much better than the real thing. Cole assumes this means Miz has been drafted to RAW. Maryse makes a better Nikki than Nikki does and I’d totally eat her ass. Just putting that out there. Miz begins to demand nobody chant CENA SUCKS because it’s against “John Cena’s House Rules.” I don’t watch Total Bellas (because I am hetero), but you don’t have to watch Total Bellas to realize that this is a mockery of things Cena says on the show. Miz makes robotic gestures and says that because the acting of Cena sucks he’s now on RAW.
Dean Ambrose is out next and Michael Cole confirms that Dean Ambrose is back on the RAW roster, which is interesting considering that Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns (at least for now) are still on the roster.
I’m a bit annoyed by the setup of this shake-up. I thought it would operate more like the draft but it seems like people are just going to come out on RAW tonight and come out on Smackdown tomorrow and that’s that. However, if you’re also keeping score, Ambrose has just brought the Intercontinental Title to RAW as well. Ambrose plays it up as if Miz is really Cena by making fun of Miz and saying that he hopes Cena doesn’t do something stupid like make the Marine 5. Ambrose is in shock as Miz takes off his hat and Maryse takes off her wig. Once he realizes this is the Miz, he hits Dirty Deeds on Miz to start off RAW. I assume these two are going to feud for the Intercontinental title again. Please. No. Miz has fought for the IC title for like the past four years. We don’t need more of that shit. Don’t ruin the fact Miz is amusing right now by doing that.
Backstage the new GM of RAW, Kurt Angle is having a conversation with Sami Zayn. He tells Angle he wants to stay on RAW. Angle explains Smackdown has a lot of interest in Sami Zayn but the two are interrupted by the Miz and Maryse who are not happy with their treatment on RAW thus far. Miz says the adults are talking and the two begin to argue. Angle decides since Zayn is still on RAW he and Miz can lock it up tonight.
New Day is fighting the Revival tonight, minus Kofi Kingston who has been replaced with a blow up doll because the Revival took Kofi out last week because all members of the New Day look the same to them and they are trying to ensure the New Day cannot cuck them. Revival is a strange fit for RAW. They feel like a team that would thrive more on Smackdown. Dawson and Dash have shirts mocking the New Day’s ice cream cart (which they also destroyed). Match seems to go mostly pro-New Day but I really think to legitimize the Revival with the main stream they need two wins in a row over the New Day. Revival manages to just that after countering the New Day’s midnight hour into the Shatter Machine for the victory. Good showing to prevent the newly promoted team from quickly getting lost in the shuffle. I believe someone sent me a joke about the Revival not long ago asking “if they’re both Top Guys, who’s the bottom?”
Neville is standing around looking angry complaining about Austin Aries earning another shot for the WWE Cruiserweight title, or at least I think that’s what he said because I don’t understand him. After speaking Orcish for about two minutes Neville switches to Common (Bur) and explains to TJ Perkins that he’s a joke and he went from the inaugural champion to irrelevant. Neville says he’s the only one who respects Perkins. Aries interrupts this to tell Perkins that Neville is trying to manipulate him.
RAW got Curt Hawkins. Nobody cares about this.
RAW got Curt Hawkins. This is like being diagnosed with AIDS.
He is fighting the Big Show. This is like being raped by a man with AIDS. Big Show punches him in the face and leaves. Joneric from 2 Angry Guys asks what world is he supposed to believe Kurt Angle traded someone for Curt Hawkins. I would like to believe that if we sent Curt Hawkins and a microphone to Syria it would be a bigger act of war than shooting missiles at them.
Austin Aries is in action next against TJ Perkins while Neville does guest commentary so that his native people from Orgrimmar can understand what is going on. I must agree with the Neville stance that Perkins is a joke. I mean how far can the gimmick of “Dabbing Twink who likes Videogames A lot” really take you? Perkins picks up a win – after all, Aries already has a title shot so it doesn’t hurt Perkins and plays up to the angle that Neville is trying to corrupt Perkins. TJ snaps and turns on Aries after the match. Since Perkins is now a heel twink who loves videogames, he should say shit to his opponents like DIE IN A FIRE and teabag his fallen opponents after winning the match. He also needs to drink a lot of Mountain Dew and talk about how l337 he is. He should spawn camp someone on the entry way. And maybe tell us how much he loves the Power Glove.
Seth Rollins is coming out to reveal his “fate” in the “superstar shakeup.” Well according to these shitty rules, if he was leaving he would just show up on Smackdown tomorrow (this shit is so disorganized). If he stays, and Roman stays (likely), and Ambrose is here, prepare for 365 days of fat pimply nerds who haven’t washed their asses and have less sex than I do (none), to tweet and do YouTube videos about the “return of the Shield.” HEY MOM! GET OFF MY YOUTUBE VIDEO; I’M TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE RETURN OF THE SHIELD. Seth Rollins talks about slaying HHH and thanks the WWE Universe and says he’s just getting started on RAW… with Samoa Joe – so there’s that. Rollins reminds us that Stephanie went through a table at Wrestlemania so we may not get that chance. He says he can take the easy way out and go to Smackdown but he took the easy way out before and doesn’t plan to do it again. Rollins says it will take an army to ship him to Tuesday nights. He won’t leave RAW without a fight which prompts the GM Kurt Angle to come out here.
I swear to God if Angle says “you’re the guy I traded for Curt Hawkins….” Angle says that he would have traded Rollins but Rollins is the one legged man who WON an ass kicking contest and he wants his show, RAW, to have Seth Rollins and that as long as Angle is GM, Rollins will be a member of the RAW roster. As soon as Angle is gone, Samoa Joe attacks Rollins. Angle tries to split these two up to no avail. Rollins gets the upper hand and Samoa Joe makes an escape. To be continued…
Kevin Owens is interviewed backstage and I’m sure he’s leaving RAW because they’re not going to keep both the Intercontinental and United States titles on RAW. It just isn’t happening. Kevin Owens says he’s the face of America now. Is that because he’s a great big ol’ fat person? He says he’s the top champion on RAW and Dean Ambrose better know his place.
Charlotte makes her way to the ring which might dispel rumors Charlotte Flair is on her way to Smackdown. My excitement is further diminished when we’re told instead of a Smackdown female making a move to RAW, Charlotte is fighting Nia Jax, the Creepy Fat Aunt of the WWE women’s division.
Out blubbers Aunt Nia. Complete with the extreme up-close of Nia’s face that every Tinder female over 250 pounds uses. This walking Lane Bryant commercial terrifies me. She’s like someone took Roman Reigns’ older brother Rosey, and paid thousands of dollars in hormone therapy and sexual reassignment surgery. Have you ever seen Rosey and Nia in the same place at the same time? No? Exactly. I guess WWE saved a lot of money reverse-engineering Viscera’s old ring gear to fit Nia Jax. The commentators always talk about how dominant Nia Jax is. Why is she dominant? Because she’s shaped like a fucking Chansey from Pokemon? I want to point out that while Landin is willing to take “one for the team” and do BBW porn with Nia, I would have to be drunk and on the drugs Bill Cosby uses on white women. Nia defeats Charlotte. Maybe this is the loss that sends Charlotte to Smackdown. I dread the day our group meets Nia Jax. It will be like the Walking Dead team meeting Negan. She’ll kill two of us… by eating us. Erik Martinez and Joneric are the smallest. They’ll go first.
Jinder Mahal is about to get squashed by a returning Finn Balor. I like how Jinder’s gimmick is now “Veiny Indian.” Finn Balor often based cosplay on characters like Venom and Carnage. Meanwhile he’s fighting an Indian guy who might actually BE possessed by a symbiote. Nicholas Cage is going to do a National Treasure movie where the veins on Mahal’s body are a map to one of history’s greatest treasures. How bad of a talent do you have to be that you peaked at feuding with the Great Khali? Balor defeats Jinder and suddenly Bray Wyatt is cutting a promo revealing he has moved back to RAW. Umm… didn’t Rowan just come back to join him? The fuck? Also, the House of Horrors match with Randy Orton for the title is still on. What a mess.
We are told Apollo Crews, Kalisto, Heath Slater and Rhyno are all on RAW. ITS OKAY GUYS, SMACKDOWN WILL GET MARK HENRY. Miz loses to Sami Zayn (oh okay) and up next Michael Cole has a pre-recorded (so it can’t be booed out the building) sit down interview with THE BIG DOG, THE GUY, ROMAN REIGNS BUL’EEE DAT. Cole asks Reigns if he feels remorse over ending the Undertaker’s career. Roman tries to play mutual respect but he says, “it is what it is,” and reminds us that he is “the big dog” and this is “his yard.” The crowd then pops as Braun Strowman beats the shit out of Roman Reigns. WWE tries to hide the THANK YOU BRAUN chant. The fact this keeps happening with these two makes me feel like I’m watching the Itchy and Scratchy Show.
WWE Logic is that Braun is the heel. They don’t realize that someone could powerbomb Roman Reigns’ daughter off a building and Reigns would STILL be the heel. Braun comes back and throws Roman Reigns’ stretcher off a loading dock with him still on it. The crowd is now YES chanting. WWE is still trying to mute this.
WWE could reunite the Shield and at this point Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose would be booed for it.
Braun comes back to the ambulance, beats up Reigns while yelling how he’s not finished with him, then proceeds to tip over the entire ambulance. Braun is now the top babyface in the entire company.
Back in the ring, Gallows, Anderson, Primo and Epic are in the ring. So much for any of these guys getting the fuck out. They’re fighting Sheamus, Cesaro, and the Hardy Boyz. I guess since Smackdown is after RAW there’s still hope for a Bullet Club reunion but I won’t hold my breath. Also the WWE hasn’t really given the Hardy Boyz the microphone so I’m not sure if they’re “broken” or not. Matt seems to be doing the DELETE thing, but no microphone time for the reinvented Hardy Boyz baffles me.
The DRIFTER Elias Samson, who was earlier seen walking past Nia Jax vs. Charlotte randomly, is now walking in the entry way, which infuriates Corey Graves, who would shoot Samson right now if he had a gun. I feel like even though an 8 man is going on all I want is Graves to start snapping about how much he hates Elias Samson. If the WWE ever wants to trigger the shit out of @CRANKYRIV, they could also repackage him as Elias Samsung and make him give exploding Note 7s to his opponents.
Dana Brooke and Emma are backstage and argue as Emma tries to remind Dana that they were allies and Emma is her to pick up the pieces. Dana says she is her own BBW now and doesn’t need Emma or Charlotte or anyone anymore. Ol’ Hefty could get it, unlike Nia.
Sasha Banks introduces Bayley. My puppies run at the sight of the Inflatable Tube Men in her entrance (Bayley Buddies if you don’t assume their gender like I do). Sasha is about to turn on Bayley when Alexa Bliss’ theme hits and my dick suddenly goes hard. I would sacrifice my soul for like 30 seconds with Alexa Bliss. Good dear Lord Jesus. Alexa begins blasting both Sasha and Bayley. Mickie James has also been drafted to RAW… and now I’m not hard. I’m just thinking Arby’s – WE HAVE THE MEAT. Mickie says the drama isn’t over and Alexa’s nightmare has just begun…
Aunt Nia is thinking Arbys because she smelled it from a mile away and got hungry so she destroys Mickie. Alexa shoves Bayley and her best friend Weave-Watch into Nia where they too are run over as if the McRib is back. Nia and Alexa have an uncomfortable stare down. This is the girl I find hottest in the WWE and the girl who grosses me out the most in the same scene. It’s awkward. ALEXA BLISS IS A FUCKING SAINT; YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!!!
Our main event is Kevin Owens vs. Dean Ambrose. At this point I’m just sort of “meh” about this “Superstar Shake-Up” which feels unnecessary since Smackdown feels like the better show and quite frankly got purged of a lot of their talent. Again I guess anyone who wrestled on RAW is still eligible to be moved since Smackdown comes later, but it is definitely odd. After Ambrose manages to win, Chris Jericho’s music hits and Jericho makes his way to the ring and immediately hits the Codebreaker on Owens. Overall a bit of a dull RAW where the shakeup felt like it was intended to punish Smackdown for being more preferred by smarter wrestling fans. I’m reminded why I don’t cover this shit every week anymore. Now if you’ll excuse me I missed Prison Break and Bates Motel for this shit.