In the inaugural episode of the Riv and Landin show, Riv and Landin discussed their top ten favorite females of all time from any period, living or dead. And while we would prefer you listen to our show to hear us say things that would make feminists cringe and Tumblr users burn our houses down in effigy, we realize that the best way to make sure our list gets as much exposure as possible is to also post it in written form, which pictures that you can potentially masturbate to. You can listen to the entirety of Episode 1 of our show by CLICKING HERE, but if you’re lazy, deaf, or you’re just one of those sensitive people that can’t stand how much Riv curses on the air, you can check the top ten list below, with equally as vulgar descriptions as to why we came to these conclusions. You can count down along with us starting now.
Riv's #10 - Jessie from Team Rocket (Pokemon)
Yes, I realize Jessie from Team Rocket is a fictional character but we never said they had to be real and let’s be honest, she could get the dick. I mean when Team Rocket does their intro shtick, I don’t even notice the gay guy next to Jessie, because I’m too busy wanting to pull one of those moves from Cool World or Who Framed Roger Rabbit or some shit. Besides she’d put out if you simply gave her a rare Pokemon. There are episodes in Japan she’s basically attempted to offer the pussy for a Dratini. Landin wondered if she fucks Pikachu like white girls fuck their dogs. If you look it up there is an atrocious number of hentai photos on the Internet of Jessie being fucked by Ekans/Arbok (her snake Pokémon). I am a sick man.
Landin's #10 - Raquel Welch (1960s)
Raquel Welch (circa the 1960s). She had a gigantic bouffant hairdo and Johnny would invent a time machine and time travel to have sex with her, even if it meant undoing his own birth.
She’s like 90 years old now, and she’s single so Landin is sure it still counts as a win even though I sincerely hope he doesn’t break her hip and he’s sure she wouldn’t survive the ride, which means he’d get hit with a manslaughter charge. And we don’t need TWO criminals on this program.
Riv's #9 - Supergirl
Not even Melissa Benoist. Just flat out. SUPERGIRL. There is no Melissa Benoist. She gets hotter every season of the show, and its only season 2. I think she’s going to be number one on this list by 2018. Unlike the ugly fuck who plays Superman on the show, she’s fun to look at. Even in her mild-mannered Kara form I'd probably bust a nut on her glasses because I'm sick.
Women feel so threatened by her. Pretty much any man living with his girlfriend suffers the NO SUPERGIRL rule. Therefore, Landin wasn’t even ALLOWED to put her on his list. It’s a one-way ticket to couchville, population you. I... I can't wait to...umm.. play with... Supergirl. In INJUSTICE 2 THE VIDEOGAME, I MEAN!
Landin's #9 - Andrea D'Marco (WWE Smackdown Ring Announcer, Current)
An interviewer on WWE Smackdown, Johnny met her Summerslam weekend and she couldn’t get her eyes off him probably because she wasn’t sure which midget he was from the WWE Cruiserweight Division. While Johnny isn’t usually attracted to Hispanic girls this one could definitely get…
… IT. It’s just a shame that she’s currently dating one of those losers on the WWE commentary team.
Those guys look like you can stuff them into lockers and fuck her in front of them and they wouldn’t even challenge you, just cry about it.
Riv's #8 - Elisabeth Shue (1980s)
The star of movies such as Adventures In Babysitting and The Karate Kid, I blame her for my “babysitter getting fucked by their clients” porn fascination. Her ass was so good that the whole plot of the Karate Kid was Ralph Macchio getting his ass kicked by white kids in school every day for weeks and learning karate just so he could tap that ass. Her ass was so good that there’s a movie titled Link where an ape makes her undress in front of him, committing the first ever act of stare rape. She’s probably still doable now but in her prime in the 1980s I’d have to hop in the Wave Rider, go back in time, and because she’s the first white chick with an ass, I’d make her baby-sit-on-my-face. Someone on my Facebook asked how and when ass eating became a thing. Well… Chris Jericho may have invented Ass Eating in like 2009, but I’d go back to the 1980s and invent ass-eating THEN with Elisabeth Shue.
Landin's #8 - Audrey Marie (Former WWE NXT Diva, circa 2012)
The former guest on this show, Audrey Marie (whom you can listen to our interview with her by CLICKING HERE), is also the wife of WWE Superstar Tyler Breeze. Landin would have given her the D in 2012, not before that, and not after that and while Johnny doesn’t like her as a person she was hot as fuck and had it going on. And while Landin isn’t mad at her anymore (just a bit bitter), he’s a big fan of her boyfriend’s gay guy gimmick with Fandango on Smackdown.
Riv would re-live this same problem, only Riv would get cockblocked by… a gay guy from Publix supermarket instead of a gay guy from Smackdown.
Riv's #7 - Brittany Murphy (when she was alive)
Brittany Murphy was a hot psycho in pretty much every movie she was in. She was basically Harley Quinn before Harley Quinn was Harley Quinn but then Eminem fucked her and she turned into a crackhead and died.
Her corpse in 2016 is probably still more fuckable than the women that post constantly on my Snapchat and Instagram contact lists with their stupid dog filters and their stupid wreaths and their stupid concert footage nobody pays attention to. Maybe I should dig up her corpse and find a Lazarus pit to throw it in.
Landin's #7 - Mickie James (WWE Women's Champion, circa 2006, minus her blown up labia)
Yeah you could probably fit your entire head in her vagina, and she’s an insane hoe married to TNA’s Magnus now (and cranked out a kid by him) but if we went back to 2006 when Mickie had the skirt and thong and the big ass, that’s the absolute best. She looks the same as she did 12 years ago, though. So Landin would probably still hit it since Mickie is returning to WWE and has been put through whatever machine they have at the WWE Performance Center that they put Charlotte Flair in to make her hot again. I wonder if it fixed her really long creepy pussy lips from the nude photos of her that surfaced on the Internet.
Riv's #6 - Alexa Bliss (WWE Smackdown Diva, Current)
Alexa Bliss… good lord. I get a boner every time I look at her. She’s this short little thing with a nice ass and decent tits and she’s small enough that she looks like you could store her in little briefcase, pull her out to fuck her, and put her back in the briefcase like playing with a portable Nintendo Gameboy. She’s got that mean bitch who is all small and shit gimmick. It works. And possibly the only chick who pulls off the bootleg Harley Quinn shit in 2016 and manages to make me reach for the Jergens instead of reaching for a blindfold. She is the only reason I end up getting strange erections while watching Smackdown.
Alexa Bliss is my favorite midget.
Landin's #6 - Hayden Panettiere (Heroes, 2006)
Although she was built a bit like a bricklayer when she was on that show she looked good and even though she married some retarded boxer-looking guy and shelled out a kid or two she looks good because it made her tits bigger. Nature was kind to her during that pregnancy. In fact, now Riv must watch Heroes to see this bricklayer and think about her getting banged because Landin mentioned it.
Riv's #5 - Alicia Silverstone & Liv Tyler (circa the 1990s when they were mad lesbian with each other in all the Aerosmith videos)
I’m counting them as one person because it only works as a package deal – I want Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler from their Aerosmith video days, where they caused many a threesome fantasy and awkward boner for teenage Riv. Unfortunately, these days Silverstone is probably fat and Liv probably looks more like her father Steven Tyler, and Steven seems creepy enough he’d watch me bang his daughter and Alicia Silverstone out at the same time. AND he’d probably jerk off. AND he’d probably sing Dream On while he did like that creepy Skittles commercial. You know what, maybe this wasn’t a good idea.
Landin's #5 - Carmella DeCaesare (Former Playboy Playmate & WWE Diva Search Contestant, 2004)
This former Playboy playmate and WWE Diva Search contestant, whom narrowly lost the original WWE Diva Search to Christie Hemme, shares the face of Johnny’s first girlfriend but with a vastly superior body, including massive fake tits. Just like most of the ex-WWE-divas she’s married to some douchebag football player.
Why do they always marry brain-mushed crappy football guys? Has to be the money. Those guys seem way too damaged to know what to do with a woman like that.
Riv's #4 - Christina Applegate (Late 1980s, early 1990s, Married with Children)
She’s still hot now but in her prime as Kelly Bundy she made you feel like you COULD fuck her. You’d get thrown out of the house by Al Bundy and beaten up but it would be worth it.
Kelly Bundy was every feminist’s nightmare, a hot airheaded blonde with nice tits and a perfect ass, who was known around town for being the best lay at Polk High School. We need a return to this, do you hear me society?
Landin's #4 – Trish Stratus (WWE Diva Hall of Famer, circa 2005)
While fake boobs usually deduct points, Trish Stratus cannot be denied. She’s the WWE Diva that was not only one of Landin’s earliest crushes but probably got him through puberty. As usual the hot ones are married to Joe Schmoes who look like Ray Liotta on crack.
It’s regretful that Landin didn’t hit it when he met her since you can’t get a girl double pregnant but Stratus is also hot enough to ejaculate in on purpose to entrap her into a relationship or marriage forever. Maybe that's what that ugly dude she got with did.
Riv's #3 - Christina Aguilera (1990s early 2000s)
In her prime, Christina Aguilera may have been the hottest Puerto Rican ever. Her music video debut with Genie in a Bottle was almost pornographic in my mind. She was gorgeous until she started getting pregnant and doing magazine covers while pregnant all the time since nobody wants to see a chick looking like Xenomorph from Alien.
Landin's #3 – Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1997)
This dates to Landin’s obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and one of the highlights of SMG is that she hasn’t been sent to the surgical chop shop. Plus, she has similar mannerisms to the woman in Landin’s life today. She was the first girl Johnny wanted to give it to. Points have only been deducted because of her blonde dye-job.
Riv's #2 - Brittney Spears (Late 1990s, early 2000s)
Brittany Spears outranks rival Christina Aguilera, because in her prime in slutty erotic schoolgirl outfits, and catchy songs that should for all intents and purposes annoy the shit out of me but don’t, she could get it good. Of course, I’m talking about vintage Brittany, not the current incarnation that fucked a lot of nasty motherfuckers like K-Fed and started resembling the Joker and having nervous breakdowns and shit. And she’s a little crazy, so I have a chance, plus we have the same zodiac sign. That counts for something, right?
Landin's #2 – Rachele Brooke Smith (Current)
A model and stunt woman Johnny discovered while watching Superhero minifilms on YouTube, and when Rachele Brooke Smith was cast to play Rogue from X-Men it brought back Landin’s Rogue from X-Men fetish (I can’t judge, I had a Pokemon character on my list).
Watching Rachele play the part better than Anna Paquin ever could did it for Johnny and catapulted Rochelle to the near top of Landin’s list for looking like a genetically superior Tiffani Amber Thiessen. The only reason she’s not number one is because Landin is slightly saddened by the fact she was briefly dating the retarded dude who plays Superman on Supergirl.
Riv's #1 Sarah Michelle Gellar (1990s All My Children Era)
Landin’s third choice ranks as my number one, and my own desires for Gellar rank back to when she was Kendall Hart, the illegitimate daughter of Ericka Kane. Suddenly my mother’s warped soap operas didn’t annoy me so much because I was getting that funny feeling in my pants any time she showed up.
That was a weird time. Gellar was a much sexier brunette - I would have done things... and stuff to her. Oh, let's face it I was 13 when I first saw her and 13 year old me would probably have no idea what to do with that.. I’m surprised John Wesley Shipp’s creepy rapist character Carter Jones didn’t snatch that shit up. I guess he was too busy sticking his dick in Kelly Rippa. Gellar is way hotter than Kelly Rippa, who didn't make anyone's list. At all.
Landin's #1 – Lacey Chabert (2004-Currently)
Landin admits to watching Mean Girls just to stare at her and continuing to do so. I must admit, even I find myself caught doing that because Lohan pre-crack-cocaine wasn’t half bad either. Lacey still looks good to this day after pumping out kids she looks the same as she does 12 years ago. …which is disturbingly a lot like Riv’s sister. Landin at this point would willingly trade his own sister for a facsimile of Lacey Chabert to call his own. Lacey, if you’re reading this, call us, 646-583-0469.
So that's our of the top women we'd bang (19 of them since Gellar was on both lists), and now if you'll excuse me, I'm starting to look like this guy down below because this is how you look when you want to bust a nut but you can't. So I'm going to... go take care of myself now. If you like, hate or want to tell us what you think about our list, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.