From the Archives: Let's All Remember the Time I Reviewed Jennifer's Body (a.k.a. Megan Fox is a Cunt)

Several days ago I was talking to the woman I'm currently dating (Hi, Julia, love ya babe), and we got on the subject of the pretty damn awful Ninja Turtles remake. That led to a discussion on the Goddess of Shallowness Megan Fox which reminded me that I've endured way too many awful films with Megan Fox in them, Transformers 2 (I liked the first one, haters), Jonah Hex, and of course the epitome of crap that was Jennifer's Body.  So, my mind re-lived the painful memory of reviewing Jennifer's Body back in the days of my open door policy on reviews - "send me anything and I'll review it."  I hated myself then.  I don't hate myself so much now.  Still I had to bring this one back from the dead because I wanted to remind you all that no matter how bad your life feels at least you're not currently watching this heaping pile of shit they call a movie.

Me: I am completely unattracted to Megan Fox.
My friend, Brittany: Congratulations, you’re the only straight male that isn’t attracted to her.

Dictionary Definition of Vapid: 
without liveliness or spirit; dull or tedious: a vapid party;vapid conversation.

Dictionary Definition of Cunt:
a. Offensive Used as a disparaging term for a woman.b. Used as a disparaging term for a person one dislikes or finds extremely disagreeable person.

Jennifer's Body (Unrated)
$2.99
Starring Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Johnny Simmons, J.k. Simmons, Amy Sedaris

And the term “vapid cunt” most accurately describes my thoughts on Megan Fox, the most overrated actress walking the planet in 2010. She’s been compared to Angelina Jolie, and I don’t think the comparison is so much from an acting standpoint as much as she’s just the “new 15 minutes of fame icon” for girls to go “I’m not gay but I’d lick her pussy.” And I don’t even see why. Megan is a generic, dime-a-dozen flat-out HOE. She acts cocky and stuck up in interviews - not down to earth at all. Every part she’s ever portrayed in her entire career could have been filled with any girl with a C-cup and flat stomach on the planet. Oh wait, it must be because she’s BRUNETTE. I know hotter brunettes I’d take over Megan Fox any day of the week.

I’ll admit I didn’t mind Fox during Transformers (2007), but it was more the character she played than the actress. The character she plays, Mikaela Banes is interesting as a down to earth girl who isn’t shallow, loves the loser, and knows her shit about cars - and that can be a bit of a fantasy. But then you realize that in real life Megan Fox is a stuck up “I know I’m hot, and men should kiss my ass” bitch, and that makes her completely unattractive. I bet you couldn’t have a relevant conversation about anything with her. Ask her what the last book she read, or what are her thoughts about the future - I bet you’d hear fucking crickets chirp. I bet she sucks dick like she’s bored. She’s probably the worst lay ever, but to be honest, I don’t even care about her enough to remotely want to find out. If she were in my bed naked, I’d kick her out unless she handed me a five page essay as to why she’s good enough for Riv. That’s right, I said it, bitch isn’t fit to wash my dirty underwear let alone be my equal. She brings nothing to the table whatsoever. Her tits are fake and she doesn’t have a whole lot of booty either - yeah we need another anorexic chick for women to look up to.

I can’t wait to get the hate mail that tells me Megan Fox is a “goddess” and a “flower” meant to be adored or some shit along those lines. Fuck that bitch. Oh wait, that’s saved for that Z-lister from 90210 who briefly had a career resurgence on the Terminator TV series which got canned pretty quick (sadly I did like that show, and I’ll say I had a lot more respect for Brian Austin Green’s part on it that I did for all those fucking Lifetime movies the man starred in). Regardless he didn’t marry well.

So here I am. My journey to shit all over Megan Fox has brought me to Jennifer’s Body. I knew a chick named Jennifer in high school once, and she was actually kinda pretty. Unfortunately she became a dyke.  Not even just became a dyke, but a POWERDYKE that looks and dresses like Jeff Foxworthy now. Maybe I just turn girls gay. I don’t know. This is usually where I put a picture up but I can’t find their MySpace or Facebook and chances are she’s had sexual reassignment surgery or some shit or changed her name to Bob or something.

Anyway, Jennifer’s Body is some kind of horror flick starring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, who I’ve never even fucking heard of. I don’t think anyone cares about her mainly because she doesn’t look like Megan Fox. No offense, Amanda, but I don’t care about either of you.

We start off with Megan Fox apparently eating her own hair. I bet the dumb bitch does this often. Chances are if you eat your own hair you’re incredibly fucking stupid. I bet this wasn’t even in the script, she just fuckin’ did it for no reason.

I should probably point out before we continue further that I have had a couple of drinks tonight, and am progressively having more drinks tonight, and in the event I run out of beer, I have Kool-Aid to mix with my vodka. Hopefully I complete this review before I die of alcohol poisoning.

Fox isn’t even naked and it’s just her legs on the bed here. I wonder how many fucking freaks started jacking off to this within seconds of it appearing. Honestly guys, go to a fucking porn shop. You’re better off.

Someone shows up in Fox’s window and leaves. This probably happens to her in real life fourteen times a week. Narration tells us “Hell is a teenage girl.” Believe me, I know. In a world of sexting, peer pressure, and vapidity prevailing I really shudder to think about what raising a teenage girl is like and since I’ve been such an asshole to so many throughout my life I am sure that God (if He exists) will punish me with many, many girls should someone ever decide that Riv is amazing enough to reproduce with.

The blonde chick appears to be in a mental hospital or prison. She tells us she has fans. Congratulations. So do I. She tells us she’s kinda the shit. Ugh. I hate egotistical women especially when they have no reason to be full of themselves. I’m five minutes in and I already hate this film. Seyfried kicks a psychiatrist and tells her to shut the fuck up and then spits on her. I wish I could just turn this off now and call it a review. But alas I have at least 85 more minutes to go. She’s locked in solitary confinement.

Unlike Batman Begins there is no Liam Neeson to tell us that she is awesome and can be much more waiting in her cell. Not at all, it’s just more fucking teenage-vapid-cunt-movie drivel. I already can’t help but feel the person who recommended this movie to me hates me as much as The Crust, who sent me scat porn to review does. I guess sometimes we hurt the people we love in life. Square in the testicles. With a shitty movie. A tremendously shitty movie.

I have to say that Seyfried is as bad an actress as Fox is and so far we’ve had no Megan Fox at all and I ALREADY want to turn this shit off.

She begins her story about her, her friend Jennifer and her boyfriend Chip. Who the fuck is named Chip in 2009? Did his parents hate him that much to name him fuckin’ Chip? Damn it. The alcohol does not save me from the shittiness of this film.

Some gook tells Seyfried she’s totally Lesbi-Gay. Look in the fucking mirror, bitch. God, the dialogue sucks. I think that’s Juno “honest to blog” levels of “what the fuck kinda shitty dialogue is this?" Whoever wrote the dialog of this, I hope you’re reading this. You have forgotten the face of your father and I hope everyone or everything you ever loved in life has been or will be taken from you in the most painful way imaginable. Fucking die.

*Yawn* Seriously. My dick isn’t remotely hard. She does NOTHING for me. What the hell is wrong with men in 2010? Oh wait, I know plenty. I know enough fucking bullshit, assholeness and patheticousity (see I can fucking MAKE UP WORDS TOO MOTHERFUCKERS!) to know that most men in these days are fucking defective and ruin it for the rest of us that have fucking even a shred of dignity. If you’re jacking off to this Megan Fox pic right now, KILL YOURSELF. Ugh, I’m in a rare hateful mood and every minute of this movie seems to put me in a more hateful mood.

Of course they talk about... MySpace and some OMG-awesome-band. I feel like I’ve lost brain cells just from watching this.

Do I look amused? No? WELL FUCK THIS MOVIE.

The dialogue in this movie just continues with tard-speak. Apparently Megan Fox wants to hook Seyfried up with some of the guys at this concert and not include her boyfriend.

And why the fuck would she? He has a fucking 1972 haircut. He looks like that retard from The Sexual Education for Trainables video I reviewed - the one whose mother caught him jacking off and had a meaningful life conversation with him. Fuck! Damn it!  Balls! This movie is giving me fucking Tourette syndrome of the fingers. The boyfriend mentions “Phil Collins” and is met with a “Who is Phil Collins?”REALLY? REALLY???

In eight minutes this movie has made me want to kill people. That just... that’s fucking inexcusable. This shit seriously just pissed me the fuck off. How the fuck can you not appreciate Sussudio; a great song and a personal favorite of mine?

How watching this makes me feel.

How watching this makes me feel.

Fuck. I don’t think I can do this... I should have known better than to even attempt to review ANYTHING that shares the name of a Courtney Love song. I feel depressed by this movie. Legitimately depressed. I want to blow my brains out like Curt Cobain and I haven’t even gotten to the “violent, dark, evil, horror” parts yet.

They start kissing and touching and after a “Jennifer’s here,” the boyfriend is promptly cockblocked. Between the bad haircut, not getting laid, and being in a Megan Fox movie to begin with I’d fucking hate my life, too. In fact, here’s that picture of Cobain with no head again.

Yeah, do that. I know I sure as fuck wanna right now.

BFF necklace. Can we see that Kurt Cobain with NO HEAD photo a THIRD TIME?

Exactly how I feel right now. I seriously don’t know what’s stopping me from ramming my head into a wall repeatedly until I lose enough blood that I fucking die. Any reason I had previously to live has been ripped from my body forcefully like that time Magneto ripped Wolverine’s Adamantium skeleton from his body in X-Men.

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Jennifer brags about having her parents 2003 Chrysler Sebring like it’s an impressive car. No it’s not. The Sebring is a piece of shit. I’ve been in a consistently pretty good mood for the past 6 weeks. This... this has killed my buzz. This has killed all desire to live. And every 45 seconds just when I think it can’t get worse, it does. It doesn’t help that while I am writing this I have no positive distractions. It’s like I’m in space and no one can hear me scream. No phone calls, no texts, no IMs, no comments on Facebook, no nudes. It’s like I’ve entered this hideous, horrible portal into a miserable world where only I and the movie exist.

I have abandoned all hope. Clearly I have done something horribly wrong in my life beyond just making fun of people on the Internet; apparently I’ve committed some unforgiveable act and this movie that is destroying my brain, and tearing down all my mental faculties is some kind of attempt at penance. No this isn’t fucking penance, this is fucking overkill.

Megan Fox uses the word “Jell-o” to describe “jealous.” If teens really talk like this now, they need to all be executed, or at the very least spayed or neutered to prevent them from breeding more idiots into the world.  The human race is done. It’s over.

Megan Fox tells us that a guy is a retard for thinking he is cute enough for her. I crack my knuckles. I do not believe in violence against women unless your life is in imminent danger, but I find myself hoping that at some point a man who does believe in violence punches her in the fucking face - and I do realize it is a movie however this is Megan Fox’s general attitude towards real life being reflected in the film.

Fox gets turned on by some faggot band in eyeliner and gives them that “fuck me” look. Thanks. Thanks for leading the bad example of being a complete fag-hag. She convinces her friend moreover that they’re just “boys” and they have “all the power,” so basically this movie is teaching women how to be complete bitches, the same complete bitches that have used me and shit on me for most of my adult life. I’ve been burned so many fucking times before that I probably look like Jacqui Saburido on the inside.

NOT EVERY MAN WHO GETS HEARTBROKEN AND FUCKED OVER BY A WOMAN DIES.

NOT EVERY MAN WHO GETS HEARTBROKEN AND FUCKED OVER BY A WOMAN DIES.

All the insecurity, fear, paranoia, and any negative emotion - any inadequate feeling I get that puts strain on my relationships in the present or make me think I’m absolutely not worth it, or like less of a person, have been caused by that fucking cocky man-eater bitch mindset Fox portrays in this film. I decide to pause and reach for more beer. Maybe 2. I seriously hate everything this film represents. I have completely in my hatred for this whole thing forgot to point out the fact that even though Seyfried’s boyfriend is a total douche, that Fox is trying to convince her that it is OK TO CHEAT.

Seyfried displays sonic hearing when the band talks about their chances of fucking Megan Fox. She then comes and gives them a stern talking to because it’s completely NOT OKAY FOR MEN TO THINK ABOUT SEX WHILE A WOMAN IS TRYING TO WEAPONIZE IT TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS. Fucking hypocrites. Parasites.

Megan Fox tells us she takes anal.  IN WHAT?  DO YOU EVEN *HAVE* AN ASS? I bet lesser men jacked off to this. Personally I’m not even remotely turned on. I hate this bitch. A fire starts in the bar. People actually start catching fire spontaneously. Unfortunately for us Fox and Seyfried are unharmed. So is the lead singer of shitty band who tries to get them to go to his van. I’d like to think mentally my mind traveled into the movie and set the bar on fire personally.

She goes into the van with the band despite her friend’s protests not to. Well I hope they enjoy herpes.

I seriously tap out at this point... I seriously cannot review this fucking film drunk because it intensifies all my hatred, rage, and negative energy. And I don’t like the person I become when I do that...

36 HOURS PASS before I return to this film, now sober, now knowing what to expect. Now wishing I had stronger drugs than alcohol to endure it – maybe some sedatives. But regardless this review continues. I have a duty.

Megan Fox leaves in the van with the band because it’s pretty much the most sensible thing to do after people have caught fire and start dying to jump into a car with a bunch of mediocre guys in eyeliner that probably intend to stick their dicks in every hole in you at the exact same time. Classy lady that one.

Seyfried calls her boyfriend and says “thank God you’re there.” Well where the fuck else would he be? You didn’t let him come to the show with you and he’s a huge dork and has no life, plus it’s like 4 in the morning or some shit. Even if he was out, it’s his cellphone. It’s on location. He’s always there, I’m sure.

God she’s ugly.

Anyway she pitches a fit about how she needs to “find Jennifer.” He responds with a smart-ass but very true “WHO CARES?” Nobody does, nobody cares about this movie, and nobody really cares about her slut-ass friend who WILLINGLY and CONSCIOUSLY went into the fucking van herself seeking a gangbang. Honestly, there’s a line between being a good friend and being a dumb cunt who is overthinking your friend’s decisions. If Megan Fox woke up the next day with shards of glass lodged in her ass and missing a head that is her fault for getting in the fucking van. I also wish this would really happen since she’s annoying.

The herpes breakout happened rather quickly, didn't it?

The herpes breakout happened rather quickly, didn't it?

The doorbell rings but no one is home. Seyfried goes into the kitchen to find Fox all dirty and trashy looking. I don’t really see the fucking difference between this look and “normal Megan Fox.”

She then attacks a Rotisserie Chicken on the floor and begins ripping away and eating it with her bare hands. Because, you know, that makes perfect sense. I have to wonder if the people who wrote the script/screenplay/whatever actually thought that having her attack a chicken on the floor would be funny-ha-ha or chilling and creepy. Either way they thought, they thought wrong. It was just stupid.

Apparently when you get gang-banged by musicians you vomit black stuff and eat entire raw chickens off the floor.

Apparently when you get gang-banged by musicians you vomit black stuff and eat entire raw chickens off the floor.

Fox starts vomiting black stuff from her mouth. She’s vomiting more than a Kardashian choking on black cock. I feel like I’m going to do the same from how painful this movie is - vomit, that is, not sucking a black dick.

I would call the cops, or an ambulance, or I would run like hell, but not Amanda Seyfried’s character (and I keep calling them by the actress’ names because I honestly DO NOT GIVE A FUCK what their character names are), just decides to see if Jennifer is ok. Umm... she left you for a bunch of Nickelback level fagmos, then shows up in the house, eats your chicken, vomits black shit from her mouth and is covered in blood. I don’t think we would be friends anymore. Fox throws her into a wall after hungering for her friend’s flesh and leaves so she doesn’t. We see flashbacks to the two girls as kids. Nerdy girl always got the ugly dolls while Fox always got the good dolls. She then shows up in class and greets her with “Where’s it at, Monistat?” The person who wrote this script needs to be...

Yeah.

Megan Fox at this point weaves a tapestry of vapidity and verbal abuse towards her friend about her surface flaws, seemingly like a gay-lord and needing a manicure. Some people need to be punched in the face. I withhold my desire to punch when Fox makes insensitive comments about how funny it was people died in a fire. I’d probably laugh too, honestly as long as none of them were close to me in any way.

Wow this movie even made the guy who played J Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man look faggotty.

A little later, Megan Fox goes after a really miserable football player whose best friend died in the fire. The guy is an idiot and falls for Fox claiming they would make a “totally bangin’ couple.” Fuck I hate the dialogue of this film.  I would hate to be around anyone that actually speaks like this. She leads him into the woods where for some reason all the animals in the woods begin to stare at them making out and at Fox opening her shirt to which a bunch of guys probably got a boner even though you don’t get any nipple or full frontal, but rather than show you that I’m going to show you this guy’s face as she grabs his dick because I hate all of you.

If I make this kind of face when I get my dick touched I deserve to be eaten to death, too.

If I make this kind of face when I get my dick touched I deserve to be eaten to death, too.

This movie also decides to rip off effects that were used from the Mortal Kombat II videogame as Fox pulls a Mileena and devours this guy in the woods. The teacher just assumes they’re fucking and doesn’t care to investigate the screaming.

The sad part is most of you guys out there would still hit it.

The sad part is most of you guys out there would still hit it.

The teacher walks out there anyway, assumedly because he wants to see teens having sex, not because the scream worried him.

That might be the most awesome part of this. Unfortunately this movie sucks so bad even sober that I begin to feel a massive, painful, crippling headache and go to lay down. This might be the longest I’ve taken to review any one thing from start of the article to finish due to how awful it is. This shit is worse than AIDS.

ANOTHER TWO HOURS PASS...

Seyfried’s Mom in this movie, is apparently a pill-popper or a crackhead or something because she says she had night terrors (at 4 in the afternoon) about people trying to nail her daughter to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. These people are the people that had to sit through this piece of shit film.

“Sexy” swimming scene with Megan Fox, that ends up being anything but. I just... do not get it. The only positive to this is that it's the closest thing to a bath she's gotten thus far.

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Megan Fox in her panties calling Amanda Seyfried and starting a conversation with “I feel so scrumptious.” She further adds she is having the best day since “like, Jesus invented the calendar.” She also tells Seyfried to “Move On .org” Yes, “Dot Org.” ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...You know what? I know, I’m probably beating a dead horse with that Kurt Cobain picture, aren’t I?

There, now it’s a whole new image. I don’t think I’ve had so much irritation at a script that I literally just feel like stabbing the writer over and over and over and over until arrested might actually be WORTH the jail time and losing my life entirely. Because honestly, watching this movie I feel like I am already imprisoned or dead. After talking with her boyfriend for a minute on the other line, Megan Fox tells Seyfried “I am a God.” Megan Fox actually believes this in real life I’m sure.

We’re told everyone in the school is depressed due to all this death in town lately. Also Fox starts to go into cracked-out mode, presumably and predictably from a lack of killing people. Seyfried argues with the gook about how that “Low Shoulder” band sucks and are a bunch of liars (aside from a bunch of total gays). Megan Fox at this point tells us that PMS isn’t real and it was “invented by men” to make women seem crazy. I bet stupid bitches actually BELIEVE THIS even as they get their periods.

Oh great, it’s that fuckwit from the Michael Bay Nightmare on Elm Street remake. FUCK YOU. AND EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH YOU.

He asks her out on a date. I’d like to think he would actually get eaten and killed. She mistakes “Rocky Horror Picture Show” for a “boxing movie.” Megan Fox turns him down and remarks that he is into maggot rock and wears nail-polish. What a hypocritical bitch. Didn’t she just get into a van with four guys wearing eyeliner at the beginning of the movie for being SO AWESOME? After talking to Seyfried she reconsiders and decides to go out with the guy. Seyfried and her boyfriend are about to make love. I’d rather see Lemon Party. (Google Lemonparty. I cannot put it on this version of the site).   Meanwhile Nightmare on Douche Street visits with Megan Fox and climbs in through an open window when she doesn’t knock on the door. I’m pretty sure that’s a felony. He finds Fox listening to shit from the Curtis Collection of Crappy Music From Six Years Ago At Da Club.

Eww. I just wanted to share that with you.  These people have managed to RUIN SEX. 

Meanwhile Douche St. finds himself in a room with lots of candles, a radio, and fuckton of plastic, more plastic than one of Dexter Morgan’s kill rooms, which means he probably should get out now. Instead he seems to get happy that they’re in a house that doesn’t belong to her about to do bad things. She adds that he gives her such a “Wetty.” Fucking Christ, this movie should not exist.

Megan Fox seduces Douche-Street while Seyfried and her ugly boyfriend have sex. When Megan Fox’s eyes change to an evil yellow color all “Douche St.” can do is say “No way” and frown instead of jumping out the window or making any attempt at self-preservation.

Somehow Seyfried can see and feel what her “OMG-BFF-LAWL-LAWL-LMAO” is doing and begins to panic and freak out during sex with makes her boyfriend assume he’s the shit in bed. Considering she was barely stirring before and he was more concerned with what type of condom to use, and didn’t know how to even get it on his dick it’s safe to say that he is an absolute failure in the bedroom and should probably ask Fox to kill people every time he has sex in order to make him think he’s good. He even asks if he’s “too big.”

Fox lands on the hood of Seyfried’s car a she’s about to go home with blood in her mouth and a huge smile on her face. Seyfried goes to cry on the couch. Fox is waiting for her in bed in just her panties. She also looks renewed since she just devoured a douchebag.

Obligatory (pointless) lesbian kiss scene. This isn’t even hot and I’ve never understood men that get excited by two women kissing - wake up dudes, they’re in to EACH OTHER; they’re not into YOU. Nothing to get your dick hard over here. Even less when it’s these two particular women. Seyfried looks like a fucking goldfish with glasses and Fox is... just meh.

Megan Fox begins to explain what happened and tells us Low Shoulder are “agents of Satan with really awesome haircuts.” Fuck my life. They sacrifice her because she’s a virgin - the problem with that is she isn’t a virgin. They basically want to sacrifice her to be like Maroon-5. WHO CARES? They need her name for the ritual - she fucking tells them her real name? Fucking idiot. This is fucking worse than television shows on UPN. They make some cheesy works about Satan before stabbing her to death and throwing the knife into a wormhole of some sort. One of the guys tells the lead singer that this is a “hot murder weapon.” In all of this Fox doesn’t think to tell them she’s not a virgin and to maybe check her pussy to see that she doesn’t have her cherry. They stab her while singing 8675309 to each other. It’s obvious at some point whoever was writing this gave up on life, and Megan Fox tells Seyfried they went all “Benihana on her ass” with the knife. The dialogue in this is fucking atrocious and as a person who makes up words, phrases, and all that shit all the time on the Internet that probably make not a bit of sense, that’s saying a lot.

Once Fox came to, she came eat the rotisserie chicken and then killed the Indian kid and ate him. She compares her healing powers to some “X-Men shit.” I’d rather be watching X-Men. Another funeral, some more death, no one cares. No one should. This movie should abruptly end. Seyfried begins reading books about Satan and the devil, and the Succubus and demons. A blade to the heart will kill the beast. Douchey boyfriend shows up, I wish someone would stab him in the heart too.

She explains that Megan Fox has become super-powered demonic and evil and that she’s sure that at the spring dance, Megan Fox intends to feast on multiple boys. All he cares about is going to the dance and his 4 minutes of sex. Seyfried claims it is not safe for them to be together. This is fucking stupid.

More things like “I don’t need pepper spray because I’m using Bowflex,” and “Collin looked like lasagna with teeth” come to light. Fox starts losing hair because she hasn’t eaten anyone lately. Any time Seyfried sees a chick without her date she seem to assume Fox ate them. Douchey band is playing at the dance and meanwhile douchey boyfriend gets approached by hungry Megan Fox while on the way to the dance and wearing a Harry Potter scarf. That’s minus fifty points from Gryffindor for being involved in this movie even remotely.

This leads to the ultimately predictable “I’m going to eat your boyfriend” bit that you would see coming a mile away if you have an IQ over 70. She uses the dead Colin guy and claims Seyfried was fucking her. She uses her Satanic Mind Power to seduce him. Finally Seyfried fucking figures it out that maybe just maybe her boyfriend is next on the agenda. By the time she gets there, Megan Fox has started to devour him.

Yawn. At this point this movie has taken up 40 hours of my life to be able to review. And unlike a full-time job, I’m not getting paid for this. Maybe some guys dream about forty hours of Megan Fox. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be. It’s a horrible experience. I’ve been in jail holding cells that were more interesting.

Seyfried attacks her with the pepper spray because apparently pepper spray works on demons. Of course this leads to more black oil vomit and levitating, as well as a “She can fly,” followed by a “She’s just hovering; it’s not that impressive,” followed by “you’re a player hater,” and calling Seyfried “Hannah Montana.” ...

No, I’m not going to post the shotgun blast pic. But by reading this you should know it has been posted in spirit.

This becomes a huge argument between a girl and a demon-girl about the demon-girl being no longer socially relevant with an underlying message that if you’re not important in high school you’re nothing. Really every fucking thing wrong with society is enforced in this movie ON TOP of it being atrociously bad. If you actually like this film I totally hope you fucking die because the WORLD DOES NOT NEED YOU.

Fox now wants to eat Seyfried’s soul and shit it out. And now “goes both ways.” I want to go to sleep and never wake up again unless it’s in a world where all copies of this movie have been destroyed or a world where it never existed to begin with.

Fox is impaled by loser boyfriend. I’m sure it won’t even work because this movie wants to prolong all our suffering at this point. Not to mention that she has to be stabbed in the heart and not the chest according to the demon books. Megan Fox asks for a tampon before she retreats and loser boyfriend dies. Fox escapes to her home and is circling boys in the yearbook that she wants to eat in her underwear which at this point even if you are one of those millions of idiots that finds her hot should be completely bored with. Seyfried snaps and takes this chance to jump through the window and go “YOU KILLED MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND!” Fox bites her on the shoulder.

Seyfried pulls out a box-cutter and tells Megan Fox it is for “cutting boxes.” No shit retards. They fight, in mid-air at that while the B.F.F. necklace flies through the air. This leads to Seyfried stabbing Fox through the heart with a box-cutter and killing her.

Unfortunately instead of ending the film at that we get some more dialogue including a “My tit” because Fox is more angry about her tit being butchered than, you know, DYING. Between two horrible actresses and a bad script I just don’t know why they have to prolong the pain. Seyfried is in jail and shows us her scar and tells us that she has absorbed some of the demonic abilities as a result. She breaks out of jail and hitch-hikes a ride.

Lance Henriksen from Aliens shows up, which is like the only awesome thing in the entire film, and gives her a ride out. I don’t think he could have saved the movie even if he had showed up 90 minutes ago. The movie closes with one of Hole’s songs in the background, and it’s not even Jennifer’s Body for which the movie was named, just a random Courtney Love song - Amethyst, I believe, and I only know this because my ex-love-interest ended up being a Courtney-Love-Angelina-Jolie-Obsessed-Lesbian who is probably fingering herself to Megan Fox right this fucking second while Will & Grace reruns play on syndication in the background, FUCK I HATE YOU ALL!!! MY. HEAD. IS. GOING. TO. EXPLODE.

There! Now I am as predictable as this abomination on disc they call a film!

End credits show Seyfried killing the band members responsible for all of this. A better end credits would have shown someone killing the director, producer, screenwriter, and all of the actors of this film, and Courtney Love just for existing. I’m so glad this movie is over. I feel like I’ve survived some horrible trauma - above and beyond surviving a rape, or the death of my entire family, or the apocalypse. Bring it all on, I’ve survived Jennifer’s Body. Those who have need like a special ribbon or something to denote our survival of what is easily one of the stupidest movie plots of all time.