A few days ago on Asked (Episode 278) we covered a story about sex robots and how the United Kingdom wants to ban the act sex with robots created for the purpose of sexual pleasure. After reading an article by Nero, who is my one of the most entertaining writers on the Internet also regarding sexual robots and the fact the primary opponents of these robots are Feminists are, adamant these are creations of pure misogyny and must be stopped, I decided to brainstorm and jot down my own opinions on the matter and after a lot of thinking about it… why not? Can you really blame guys for wanting to have sex with robots?
I’m 34 going on 35 and unmarried. It’s not because I’m hideously deformed or a rotten person, or maybe it is – as I’ve constantly been told, especially for the past decade that my standards are “simply too high.” I get told this ALL THE TIME BY MY FEMALE FRIENDS. Now keep in mind that if we look at it on paper, I’m not hideous or deformed, I consider myself above average intelligence and penis size, and I’m the type of person who is loyal, cooks and cleans well (I don’t *need* a woman to do these things for me though it would be nice), I work, I earn a paycheck, I’m goal-oriented, and generally I’m an alright guy once you get to know me.
What do I want? Someone who listens to me, spends time with me, doesn’t constantly give me grief over my thoughts and opinions, who I can see as a partner and friend as well as a lover, is loyal to me and won’t cheat, and who isn’t going to be too lazy or overly demanding or dramatic. And she doesn’t have to be PERFECT in looks, because nobody is perfect but she does have to be someone that when I look at her puts a smile on my face.
…Yet I have been told for the past decade or so that “it’s too much to ask.”
Why is it so much to ask for someone who won’t cheat, will hold up her end of the relationship, won’t be too dramatic, and isn’t lazy, to also want to sleep with me? Why is it females can have a list of demands that sounds like a hostage negotiation meanwhile if I want a few simple things, it's like I stabbed someone in the throat? It’s not like I put some implausible goals or ideals on my list. My personal list generally reads “be good to me.” So… why is “be good to me” such a fucking problem that it's near impossible to find? The result of being told that what I want is something I will never have has caused me on multiple occasions to “settle,” and men settling is a bad thing; it's admitting defeat. It's compromising not because you're trying to be reasonable but because you lost the game. It leads to us making excuses to stay with women who treat us like shit (and I've been in at least two very long-term relationships where I was in fact treated poorly) – I’ll let this clip of my old friend EC3 sum up what it’s like when we stay with a girl who for all intents and purposes treats us like crap.
Exactly. We don’t want to die alone. So we settle for less than we deserve and I’ll tell you why. It’s because of the fact we live in 2015 and there’s some asshole up there in the Universe put in a GameShark code into the Video Game of life where all women have Kim Kardashian’s brain.
And it’s not just Kim K. – she just happens to be the most prominent celebrity that comes to mind. Many female celebrities, such as Kim K., Beyonce, and Miley Cyrus act like complete shit and then pitch the idea and concept to the average person that “you are a queen and everyone is supposed to kiss your ass.” As a result we have average girls who get 207 likes on an angled cleavage photo on Instagram and women who look like dog vomit who think they’re hot shit. Even the fat women these days think they are hot shit and that you should be grateful God put them on the earth like below:
And every MAN is beneath them (in their mind because if we were actually beneath someone this fat our spines would be crushed). All of a sudden almost every girl on earth has this unbearable fucking egotism and sense of entitlement – it’s not even the radical psycho feminists causing the entitlement (although they are part of the problem as well) but its celebrities telling girls that “to be a woman you simply must be the worst person ever, and men are toys that you are meant to play with until they are broken.”
I call it Miss Havisham Syndrome. (If you don’t know who Miss Havisham is read a fucking book instead of Twitter).
Now God forbid you’re like me and ACTUALLY find what you’re looking for – as it will almost certainly come with a husband, boyfriend, or a string of other lovers attached, meaning you’re fending off other guys like you’re in a fucking WWE Battle Royal.
On a side note, remember when Smackdown had those all the time and for some reason Trent was always one of the first guys who got thrown out? What the fuck was up that?
– and it usually always comes with “I like you BUT…” I can’t even stress how tiring and frustrating it is that this happens. If you happen to find a girl that is everything you want, you’ll have a hell of a time convincing her you’re worth it. I miss when I didn’t have to fill out a fucking boyfriend application and wait 12 weeks for an answer.
Meanwhile you’re swiping on Tinder, a program where if the women aren’t fake they certainly look like last week’s oatmeal. And while I don’t expect every girl to be a goddess, there has to be enough attraction that I don’t want to kill myself right after doing the deed. Unfortunately most of these women are completely rotten to the point you might as well castrate me & call me Caitlyn.
I’ve had Tinder since it first came out in 2012, and only been on 2 dates from it, both unremarkable and unmemorable. Now it makes you feel more pathetic by limiting your swipes and charging you money if you want unlimited swipes – and if you happen to be male and over 30 you pay more money because Tinder wants you to feel lame for being this old and alone. Or you can just try your luck with the remaining single women on earth who aren’t on Tinder who all look like THIS (especially here in Atlanta).:
Yeah, thanks but no thanks. And single ladies, if you’re mad right now, let’s be honest: chances are you’re either not trying AT ALL or you’re ugly as fuck. One of the two, no in-betweens. So… guys… when you really think about it, is fucking robots really so bad?
At least robots can’t be influenced by what is “trendy,” and you don’t have to compete with other men for them. Sure they don’t cook, or clean, or help out – but let’s be honest, do MODERN women do that? No, not at all – to find a woman that does that you need to find a girl that has TRADITIONAL VALUES (again, almost always taken by some motherfucker that looks like Mr. Magoo), or date older women…
…Yeah, no. Thanks but no thanks. Back to the robots.
I’m not going to dance around it, by robot standards Arcee from Transformers the Movie looks like she’d be a good fucker. I’m pretty sure that banging her so much is how Hot Rod got the name Hot Rod to begin with. But anyway back to this robot mandate, if they make women who are realistic (sounds like something out of a bad anime – in fact I’m relatively sure there IS an anime or two or three or two-thousand about a guy who falls in love with his Robot Girlfriend), then why WOULDN’T you bang a robot? No drama, no unplanned pregnancy, no other guys – it makes sense as long as it looks and feels enough like a human being that you still have your dignity after banging. Unlike masturbating.
Every time I masturbate alone (masturbation isn’t so bad if it’s with a partner on the phone or on webcam or whatever) a piece of my soul dies inside of me, and I make this miserable face. Also it’s a known fact people who masturbate fall of cliffs and Jesus won’t save them.
I’m afraid of heights, so I kind of need that Jesus Safety Net. Thanks. In all seriousness though, many women have become real assholes these days, and if guys have a way to restore balance to the force then maybe women will even out, stop being overly shallow arrogant fuckwits who are above their station and maybe we will have better options than Big Boomshakaquishajacka Jones over here.
…God I hate that gif. Ultimately, men, I don’t think that you should WANT to fuck a robot – but in terms of practicality when you really look at how much trouble most women are, it actually makes sense. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go practice for my future Sex Robot by sticking my penis inside of a plugged in vacuum cleaner like this weird midget did in Cambodia.