Dump Them!

There seems to be a recurring theme among almost all of my guy friends in 2015 and that theme seems to be “chicks with boyfriends (or husbands).”  Typically the story goes like this:  Guy talks to girl, girl really likes guy, feeling is mutual, they talk with seemingly more-than-platonic interest in one another and then you get “oh I have a boyfriend (or husband) but I’m not happy.”  And they  probably stay this way because they’re actually so ingrained in today’s social media culture they don’t want to have to change their relationship status on Facebook and answer people’s stupid questions.

The need of people to PUT THIS on a social media webpage to pander to people they hardly interact with in person has altered the dynamic of all relationships.

The need of people to PUT THIS on a social media webpage to pander to people they hardly interact with in person has altered the dynamic of all relationships.

Now common sense would dictate that this is the part as men we should call it a night, pack up shop and leave.  However, usually the problem is that that sends us back into the pit of despair that is single-land, which includes places such as Tinder where the single "ladies" all look like this.

KILL IT WITH FIRE. 

Truthfully the reason us men go for the ladies who are already taken isn’t because we “want the challenge” or “like the fact it’s forbidden,” or anything like that.  It’s the simple fact that we do it because what is left, isn’t very good.  The first defense a female will say in reply to a comment like this is “well there are more females than males in the world so you aren’t looking or trying hard enough.”  But when you actively try they will also tell you that you are “trying too hard.”  Here’s the truth about there being more females than males in the world:

1)      Women live longer than men (this is because we die prematurely from women cannibalizing our souls slowly and painfully over many years and many romances.

2)      This is counting all women including the ugly ones and the lesbians.

3)      According to The Internet it’s actually NOT true anyway and you are wrong (this has actually changed since the last time I personally looked it up, so now as a man I’m really screwed)

So if you remove the ugly, the fat, and the elderly (sorry Betty White, I’m flattered but quit calling my number), and those that are not interested in men sexually, you’re left with a VERY small pool of women and a whole lot of competition because ALL men are in competition with each other.  However, the problem with THAT is that many men of today aren’t so much competition as much as “flooding the girls who are left with so many compliments that they believe they are hot shit.”

Those __ likes, and __ favorites on a girl’s selfies does wonders for their self-esteem, maybe TOO MUCH, because what happens is they get this mindset that they are worthy of more than they are.  I know a girl who is very pretty and has a pretty awesome personality.  She always complains about how single she is, not because she can’t get anyone but because her eyes are only on 10s, which she feels she deserves because she gets so much ass-kissing from 3s and 4s online that her ego has been fellated. The whole concept of Women Crush Wednesday which I have bashed countless times has pretty much created a “sex vacuum” where women believe their own hype to the point they want us all to bow and grovel and scrap and beg. 

Guys, you have created your own prison.  I will RARELY EVER tell a woman she is attractive unless she has shown legitimate interest in me as well.  And “interest” is NOT “she replied to me on Facebook or Twitter.”  I’m talking real, legitimate conversation.

Ultimately all guys are trying to get to the point they can be with a girl who isn’t annoying or dramatic, attractive, and fun to talk to because when that happens a beam of light comes down and takes us away to Relationship Land like what happens to Liu Kang’s brother at the end of the first Mortal Kombat movie, where all our other friends in relationships are whom we no longer talk to or see on a regular basis because they’re happy and we aren’t. 

I have no friends left.  Because Relationships took them all away.  They’re all celebrating while that Halycon song from Orbital plays and having a lot of sex with each other.  I’m down here in the trenches trying to either get a relationship or at the very least get laid on a regular basis, like a fucking war movie with that one song that plays in all of the movies about war.

Anyway back to the main topic, why is it that chicks are so bad at dumping guys who bring nothing to the table anymore?  Complacency?  Fear?  Manipulation?  For whatever reason chicks are trying to be loyal without being loyal which is the whole “have your cake and eat it too” mentality.  They can keep getting things out of the miserable-and-broken relationship they are already in meanwhile get the attention from the guys who are trying their hardest to break through the single threshold.  And in most cases they are NEVER going to break up with their loser boyfriend no matter how good the alternatives are because it gives them a sense of control and satisfaction knowing they are sought after.  Here’s some of my advice (that I’m probably bad at actually taking myself) for both sexes.

I love videogames as much as the next guy but I'd rather ravage her vagina (and possibly her butthole)

I love videogames as much as the next guy but I'd rather ravage her vagina (and possibly her butthole)

WOMEN – ask yourself these questions

1)      Do you have a good time with your boyfriend/husband when you spend time with him?

2)      Is the sex good?

3)      Are you dependent on this boyfriend for food/shelter/financial security?

If your answer to all three of these is “NO,” DUMP THEM.  DUMP THEM immediately.  You’re lying to yourself AND lying to the man in the relationship if you’re sticking around.  He’ll never improve because he’s complacent and you’ll never get any better because you’re afraid to be “the villain.”  Sometimes you have to be.  I’m getting really tired of running into these women that are in relationships they are unhappy in and say “I like you better” and when I ask them why they’re with him they go “it’s complicated” and can’t list a single logical valid reason to stay.  What the hell are you doing?  Do you think the magic Relationship Fixer Fairy is going to come down, wave a magic wand and suddenly he’s going to give you the best fucking sex of all time, and be the coolest guy ever?  Realistically if you’re at the point where all three of the questions above are a NO, it’s time for you to go because you’re lying to yourself, lying to the man you’re IN a relationship with and probably also lying to some guy out there who is giving you the attention your actual man isn’t. 

GUYS – just stop. Period.

AND IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM HERE. 

AND IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL FROM HERE. 

If it seems like it's a bad idea, stop pandering. Stop trying.  Even if she gives you the attention back if there's a string attached that string usually has dynamite on the other end and is going to blow up in your face.  Take it from personal experience.  I've been there.  It’s hard.  Because I know you don’t want to go back into “the Pit” with the mutants that eat too much cake that look like this:

HOLY FUCK THAT WOMAN IS UGLY.  KILL IT WITH FIRE.  However, if you meet a girl and you’re talking to her and she hits you with the “I have a boyfriend/husband” but still continues to talk to you, you need to be assertive enough to turn your back after a certain point and that certain point should be brief..  I’m really not afraid of being the other man, and my scumbag level in 2015 has escalated to the level of “if I want someone I’m going for it,” but if they’re not willing to do what is necessary or make the changes required to be with you, you need to stop giving them the attention they crave.  Sure, show them you’re funny, witty, hot, and even a little dirty.  But don’t keep supplying more of it until or unless they make the move.  DON'T talk to them every day.  DON'T give them hours of your time and attention.  ALL THEY WANT IS ATTENTION.  You could be LITERALLY ANYONE and they'd give the same song and dance to manipulate you into caring because they'll mistreat YOU the way they WANT to (and SHOULD) mistreat their boyfriend or husband that has put them into a bad relationship.  You can’t woo a woman who is in a relationship the way you can woo a single woman because frankly they’ll just absorb it into their ego bin in a similar fashion that single ladies absorb Instagram likes on their cleavage pictures.  These women are attention VAMPIRES.  Give them a little bit and when they’re not giving you what you WANT or NEED back the fuck up, as hard as it may be.  Don’t play their game.  Don’t play any games.  And be honest.  Tell them flat out “I’m not down with being a crutch” and if they don’t respect that then clearly they don’t respect YOU.  And I deserve respect.  Most men do… except weeaboos.  Those guys are horrible:

At least I'm not THESE guys.

At least I'm not THESE guys.

In short, love is war. Love is Hell, but one of the worst parts about love is it is entirely possible to fall for someone who is already taken, and it’s also entirely possible to fall out of love.  In a world where the number of affairs people have is steadily rising, we can BE better if we choose to be, but being better doesn’t always mean sticking with what you got and living inside a lie, either.  So let’s stop half-assing our happiness.  What’s so hard about “I like you, you like me, I want you, you want me, let’s go for it?”  The only COMPLICATIONS we out there are the ones we make for ourselves, so UNCOMPLICATE it and if the other person isn’t willing to do that, don’t waste your time.  Life is too short to have to sit around in the middle of drama.  Drama is stupid and serves no purpose.  Let’s stop being dramatic and start getting some fun and sex because I want to be taken away in the beam of light, too.  Instead I end up like James Franco in “This Is The End.”

Fuck my single life.  I’m going to go cry to the Boys Town Hotline now.