Bruce Jenner Isn't Brave. Caitlyn Jenner Isn't Brave, Either.

Bruce Willis gave his life so that we wouldn't be wiped out by a Meteor.  Will Smith was willing to challenge the unknown headfirst so that we wouldn't be conquered by aliens.  Arnold Schwartzinwhatever discovered time travel so that he could help us better understand technology and how it affects us as a race.  What has this shemale done? – Pete Kowalsky, RobotBoombox.com

This morning I woke up, recorded my “Talking Shop with Riv” audio blog about getting screwed over by someone I trusted, then went straight to work without looking at anything online.  Occasionally if I have notifications and I’m bored and have breaks I will glance at my phone, and I did to see something called “Caitlyn Jenner” trending.  I immediately knew that meant Bruce Jenner had finally finished his “transformation.” 

Ugh.

Ugh.

For months now, the media have called Jenner’s transition to womanhood from being a man “brave,” to the point it’s the only word you see.  And I can’t help but wonder when the word brave got used so “liberally.”  Is this what we call “bravery” now?  That you want to be a woman instead of a man?  What’s really so brave about that?  Did Bruce Jenner’s surgery really “save” people?  Did it stop terrorism?  Did it fix race relations?

This cover is going to be stare raping me at supermarkets.  I am "triggered" please stop.

This cover is going to be stare raping me at supermarkets.  I am "triggered" please stop.

No.  It became a trend on Twitter.  Because that’s more important than actually getting anything of substance accomplished.  And that’s impressively retarded.  Everyone is now talking about how “beautiful” Jenner is as a woman, and I look at Jenner and I still see a 60-something year old man when I look at the… guy-um-girl-um-whatever.  And if you're a dude and you're like "dude... ew," chicks act like you fucking curbstomped a gay man in front of them because "HOW DARE YOU NOT KISS HIS WRINKLED MANWOMAN ASS?"  And I really don’t care if that sounds transphobic or not; I just find the whole thing a ridiculous media fiasco from a family who has become famous for literally doing NOTHING IMPORTANT EVER.  The Kardashians/Jenners – these people really don’t offer anything to the world other than ridiculous standards, shallow role models that idolize and place importance on shallow things like “how many basketball players can you fuck before you’re an A-lister?”  Bruce/Caitlyn/whatever you want to call “it,” is simply trying to get some more attention – but the thing is none of that attention has the balls (pun intended) to be like “this is retarded.”

For starters I’d respect Brucie-ladyboy more if Bruce just addressed the REAL issue for getting the surgery:  Dicks aren’t aerodynamic when running.  Seriously.  Have you ever tried to run with an erection?  That shit is ridiculous.  Even flaccid if you have a big dick running can be annoying.  I can’t count the number of times my dick has irritated the side of my leg by rubbing against it while I run.  I would totally have laughed if Bruce was like “I’m an Olympic runner and I am tired of the chaffing,”  Don’t give me the “I’ve been a woman secretly my whole life” shit.  You’re 60, motherfucker.  Who at 60 is like “oh yeah I just don’t wanna have a dick anymore?”  And for that matter do you think with the lack of shame the Jenners have that he’s going to sell it on EBay at some point?  I’m sure he will because some moron is willing to buy it just to say they own the stupid thing.

Secondly I don’t get this “be whatever you want” mentality we have in 2015.  That if we believe we are something, we ARE something.  Does that mean if I want to be Deathwing really bad, I am Deathwing?  Fuck all of you then, I am Deathwing now. The destroyer.  The leader of the Black Dragonflight.  Raid Boss of World of Warcraft.  WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME I CAN'T BE DEATHWING YOU FUCKING BULLY?

Nigga look like he had a freak accident at a MAC counter. 

Nigga look like he had a freak accident at a MAC counter. 

As my former-co-host Landin said – we live in an age where ANYONE can REBOOT or RETCON ANYTHING to be ANYTHING ELSE because society tells you that you can be anything you want to be at any time just by saying you are.  That’s stupid.  Just because I say I am a giant black world-eating dragon doesn’t make me one.  The world is promoting delusions and then turns around and tells people who don’t believe in delusions that they are bullies.  That’s not true!  We just chose to live in the reality of the whole thing! 

Jenner’s transition actually reminds me of wrestling in the 1990s when Mick Foley as Mankind said that he wanted to be Dude Love and had come up with this character, this loverboy, but he realized he was kind of a goony guy who had heavyset tendencies in adulthood and that it probably wouldn’t work – then one day WWE debuted Dude Love, which was a ridiculous joke gimmick.  The joke was it was a fat toothless guy with dirty hair thinking he was a thin lover boy.  It’s the same thing.  Bruce Jenner essentially wants to be Dude Love.  Cue the ridiculous music!

Actually if Jenner had a Titantron dancing to this ridiculous music or if the theme played every time Jenner entered a room for the rest of its life I’d forgive all this hype about a dude deciding he wants to be a woman.  Also if he/she/whatever wrestled Nikki Bella for the Divas championship at Wrestlemania 32.

In all seriousness though, how is Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner, brave?  How are we saying Jenner is brave for having an elective procedure over the people who are sick with AIDS, cancer, or any number of diseases they never wanted or asked for who have to fight every day to survive?  I decided since Jenner has so much money to burn to ask about it on Twitter but have not received a response because I am one of those filthy little plebian urchins who cowers in the shadow of Jenner’s giant mangina.

Having lost my father to cancer, having a situation where my mother is at risk to die of cancer, I can sit here and wonder how much time, money and resources is put into this dude wanting to become a chick over diseases that actually, I dunno, KILL PEOPLE.  Meanwhile we’re acting like he should win the fucking Nobel Peace Prize for Wanting to be Mrs. Fucking Doubtfire.

I guess if they still want to make the movie without Robin Williams they now have the perfect person to play the part. 

I guess if they still want to make the movie without Robin Williams they now have the perfect person to play the part. 

I wonder how long before Jenner continues to go down the path of exploiting this “I’m a woman now” thing to get attention?  Will he go and do what his daughter Kim did and have sex with a black guy on film?  Because I’m sure tackling “shemale” porn is probably on the short list.  I’ve seen enough mangina in my life, thanks, I’ve seen Silence of the Lambs like 100 times.

WOULD YOU FUCK ME? I'D FUCK ME.

WOULD YOU FUCK ME? I'D FUCK ME.

My point is that this whole media frenzy that this is the GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN is stupid and if you’re sitting there acting like it is, you’re part of the problem, not the solution.  Why should we give a shit at all?  He’s a she now, good for him/her/whatever.  In other news I ate Cheerios today then took a dump six hours later.  In closing we need to stop acting like this is brave.  If you’re into that whole pro-transgender thing, sure you can congratulate the guy or be proud, but don’t act like he’s ever saved the world from an alien threat or cured AIDS or anything.  All he is, is a dude, who wanted to be a chick.  That’s not brave, that’s just sort of “blah.”  Call me when you figure out the cure for the common cold, asshole, which maybe we could do if we weren’t wasting money on plastic surgery because someone decided they wanted to be someone else.  I want to be Oliver Queen so I can bang all the chicks and ride off into the sunset.  But I’m Riv.  Because that’s reality.   And we all need to live in it.