For starters I really am not in love with WWE like most of you guys are. In fact I could do without it. It’s on almost six days a week and some of you watch it all six days then wash it down with TNA, ROH, and Lucha Underground. Then when it’s not on you talk about it all the time. Do you people have actual lives? I do. And interests other than wrestling, which is why I stopped recapping. But unfortunately, every once in a while I have to do this gig to keep you losers interested in my other, better projects. Because without the carrot-on-a-stick that is a wrestling recap your short attention spans just can’t keep up. Which is hilarious because RAW recaps (and RAW itself) is long as fuck and feels like having a root canal while being fucked in the ass against your will by a Mandingo Dick. Regardless, here I am. And I hate you all for this. But if you do want some positive wrestling discussion, check out my buddies at TheWWTS.com, who have both a podcast and a chat room that goes live for most WWE events – chat rooms are way more social than Twitter so I highly recommend them, and they’re actually decent people, unlike me. I’m kind of an insane asshole. Anyway let’s get to work.
So the Authority starts things off for the 80,000th week in a row. This is because the USA Network loves the McMahons so much the network basically forces HHH and Steph to be on the TV at almost all times. I’m pretty sure that if Stephanie McMahon were taking a shit at 8 PM EST, the USA Network would demand to roll the footage of her shitting The Authority is throwing a tantrum because last night Dean Ambrose stole the WWE Championship because even though the pinfall was counted on Seth Rollins, it was after the original referee was knocked out. The original referee was knocked out by Kane, or J&J, I don’t fucking remember. Either way he got up and disqualified Rollins after Dean Ambrose already won the match (yes, I know that makes no sense), and it invalidated the title win.
Roman Reigns comes out here because his new gimmick is being the guy who holds Dean Ambrose’s dick when he pees and tells the Authority they will not get the belt back from him until they agree to a ladder match between Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins at Money in the Bank to end the dispute once and for all. Rollins throws a tantrum after Roman implies Seth is the “worst WWE champion ever” and adds that he does not need the Authority, Kane, J&J or anyone else’s help. What happened to Big Show? Wasn’t he a part of this stupid group? Anyway the match is made. For Roman’s insolence HHH tells him he is in the Money In the Bank ladder match but if he does not win his match tonight he will be removed from that match. Calling it now that Ambrose beats Rollins then Reigns cashes in on his BFF.
I fucking hate this gimmick. I love Wade Barrett, but Bad News Barrett was amazing. Now he looks like a fucking idiot as the King of the Ring. I always felt that the King of the Ring winners that actually start dressing like a King full time look like morons. Remember when Sheamus was running around dressed like one of the Dementors from Harry Potter? The only exception to this was King Booker who looked more like an incredible racist caricature. Barrett and Reigns square off. I feel like King of the Ring did jack shit for Wade Barrett other than take away his awesome gimmick. I am disappointed in the clearly transphobic commentary team of Michael Cole, Booker T, and JBL who are not talking enough about Caitlyn Jenner. More Caitlyn Jenner please. Caitlyn Jenner is the center of the universe. Caitlyn Jenner’s mangina should be an arena in WWE 2K16. Caitlyn Jenner’s mangina should host Monday Night RAW. Caitlyn Jenner’s mangina should fight Cody Rhodes at Survivor Series after he jobs to Stephen Amell. Barrett beats up Reigns on the outside.
Who would win in a fight? King Barrett or Queen Jenner? Is it wrong to bullhammer a woman if the woman used to be a man, or is it acceptable? Reigns is down after being thrown into the steel steps, I am eating hot dogs but had to double check them to make sure it wasn’t Bruce Jenner’s detached penis. During the break, Caitlyn Jenner came out, showed Roman Reigns her wet man-snatch and he cried himself into a rest-hold from Wade Barrett.
This match is boring. Not because Wade or Roman are bad, mind-you, but it’s too rest-hold-y for two guys who are known as brawlers. This is the Nickelback of wrestling matches. LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH.
Side-note, who the fuck designed Wade Barrett’s trunks? He went from the cool #BNB logo to tights that look like an autistic retard jazzed the name WADE BARRETT onto his ass. Finally the intensity picks up with these guys straight up engaging in fisticuffs and high impact moves. These guys shouldn’t do restholds ever again just like that magazine shouldn’t put Caitlyn Jenner on it because I’m going to feel like I am being stare-raped every time I check out in a supermarket. Barrett sizes up the Bullhammer, but Reigns ducks and rolls up Barrett but as Barrett tries to get out of it, Reigns proceeds to pretty much lift Barrett with one arm into his second arm and power bomb him. That took a lot out of Reigns to do too. There should be a stipulation that the loser of this match becomes a Caitlin Jennersexual too. Reigns hits the spear and Wade Barrett is sent to the back to be castrated and turned into a fresh new woman.
Is there a law somewhere in the WWE that says Kofi Kingston has to be in every multi-person ladder match until he is released or dies?
We are reminded this is a body positive WWE where fat people can job John Cena out. Kevin Owens beat John Cena clean at the Elimination Chamber last night because when Caitlyn Jenner retconned the entire earth by deciding it can be whatever it wanted, the whole world REBOOTED EVERYTHING and John Cena is now no longer an unstoppable force but a guy who gets beaten up by fat people. Big Daddy V picked a wrong era to be dead. I hear this is leading to John Cena vs. Plus Sized Model Tess Holiday at Wrestlemanis 32.
The Authority says Reigns will be in action AGAIN tonight against Mark Henry. This is because they hate us and want us to die.
Nikki Bella retained the Divas title and Byron Saxton tells us that she has held the title 6 months and is the longest-reigning current champion. People speculate Nikki Bella will beat AJ Lee’s record for longest title reign to spite her for leaving the company. I’m okay with this. I’m okay with Nikki holding the belt because it bothers you dweebs out there. I hope Nikki Bella’s reign is as long as Moolah’s to spite all the whiny twats on Twitter.
Paige comes out here, nerds get erections, Paige wants a one on one title match because she is owed one, and Nikki says the challenge is accepted and the two will fight tonight. Can’t wait for Nikki Bella to retain again! As much as I mock the nerds for being hopelessly in love with Paige I would eat her asshole like R. Kelly ate that girl's ass on camera illegally and I'd want to do it on a live video feed in front of all the wrestling fans on my Twitter page so they would get mad about it.
Ryback is Intercontinental Champion, which is his first singles title in the WWE. Isn’t it his first title in the WWE at all? I don’t remember him ever being a tag champion, either. He’s defending against the Miz because this is Tough Enough IV all of a sudden. Ryback gets to cut a promo first. I’m waiting for him to talk to us about the Secret and positive energy and his injuries. I miss heel Ryback that used to diss people, bully them, and make fun of them for being stupid and ugly. That guy was dope. He was a guy who could hang with the Riv & Landin, Asked/2 Angry Guys crowd. We’re the cool kids. You can’t be one of us because you watch wrestling 7 days a week.
Miz looks like the Emperor from Star Wars fucked Johnny Cage in the ass, then the Emperor took a cum-shit and that’s what came out… that or a member of the Islamic State. Is there really a point to the Miz anymore? He should get gender assignment surgery like Caitlyn Jenner so that he can job out to Nikki Bella like every girl on earth does.
Ugh, Big Show still exists. He should be mad that he’s the most body-positive WWE guy ever and doesn’t get mad clean wins against Cena or four different t-shirts in less than six months like Kevin Owens did. Big Show knocks out the Miz for being the Miz then grabs a microphone. Big Show vows to beat Ryback for the belt. Big Show says Ryback isn’t the Big Guy because he ain’t got nothing on the Big Show. I feel this feud is due to the fact Ryback’s catch phrase is FEED ME MORE and that means less food in catering for the World’s Largest Taker of Dumps.
I’d actually like to thank the Big Show for saving us from having to watch the Miz wrestle.
Who do you think weighs more, Kevin Owens or Body Positive Model Tess Holiday? Which one smells better? Which one has a larger nutsac? Why does Kevin Owens seem to go to the same barber/groomber as Kaitlyn’s stalker Luke Hudson? Kevin Owens says when he says he’s going to do something he delivers – so does Domino’s Pizza, which he is an expert on. He explains to us everything he said he would do he has done. I am surprised @CrankyRiv, Asked-co-host has not asked Kevin Owens if he does anal yet. Kevin Owens tells us his kid is a John Cena fan and kept asking him if John Cena was okay. I wonder what Kevin Owens feels like when John Cena cuckolds his wife and child. Owens says if he wasn’t brawling and scraping to make a living, John Cena, who was on television and the marquee all over the world would not have brainwashed his son. Well, dude. You bought the TV. You didn’t lay down the law. You can’t blame John Cena for the fact you’re a shitty parent.
I mean Chris Benoit didn’t want his son watching John Cena EITHER, but he took care of it. Yes, this means Owens is a worse father than Benoit.
John Cena comes out here to address Kevin Owens. I feel like Kevin’s gimmick is his son likes everybody more than his own father: Sami Zayn, John Cena, etc. John Cena basically says that if the marketing machine brainwashed his son his son would have Adam Rose shirts, worship the Funkasaurus and want to play in the XFL. Cena hits a whole lot of “I’m fighting Cancer” signs with kids and “never give ups,” Cena essentially says he inspires people. That’s true, Cena can be pretty inspiring. The only thing Owens inspires people to do is not wash their faces to prevent an acne breakout. Cena says that NEVER GIVE UP defines Kevin Owens just as much and that’s a tough pill for Owens to swallow. Cena tells Owens to think before he speaks and challenges the manhood of Kevin Owens. Owens fires up like he wants to go then leaves the ring. He must have heard a new shipment of Twinkies just made its way to the arena concession stand.
New Day fell into a vat of Grape Kool-Aid earlier explaining their ring gear. New Day are hilarious because they’re basically three of Steve Urkel. I wish the Big Boss Man were still alive to feud with New Day. Big E Langston says that if Kofi becomes Mr. Money in the Bank the entire New Day does. Oh man, if that were a real stipulation it would be amazing.
I am not behind this Tumblr-Shipper Lana/Ziggler pairing. I'm not behind Tumblr. In fact if you HAVE a Tumblr, I hope you fuck off forever. This feels like a retarded girl’s retarded fanfic that she fingers her retarded pussy to. I have a strict NO DOLPH VS KOFI policy so I refuse to watch this match due to the like three years it was on Smackdown every single week. Ziggler beats Kofi and gets beaten down by New Day after the match. The Prime Time Players make the save. We come back and this shit has turned into a Six Man Tag Team Match. This is what eating Caitlyn Jenner’s hairy man-asshole probably feels like. PTP and Ziggler win. I couldn’t care less. Is this shit over yet?
Wow, it’s only halfway over. I’m suddenly reminded why I don’t do recaps anymore. I’m only doing this because I have nobody to talk to anymore. And that’s probably all your fault. I’d probably have an awesome life if I never watched wrestling. WRESTLING: NOT EVEN ONCE. WWE wants you to watch Tough Enough audition videos on the Tough Enough App. There’s already a WWE App, a WWE Supercard game, and a WWE Immortals game. You motherfuckers will download four WWE apps but get mad about having to use two Facebook apps. Yeah. About that.
Roman Reigns is back out here to fight Mark Henry. In other news I have to take a dump. So does Reigns from the way he looks. He looks like he has Crohn's Disease after he's done beating him. He's going to shit his pants. Mark Henry causes painful diarrhea shits and crib death for newborns just by being Mark Henry. He's like he embodiment of African Drinking Water given a body to sweat all over the place.
Stupid Sonic promotion segment involving teams including the stupid Cosplay Curtis Axel/Damien Sandow team where they are Axelmania and Macho Mandow. I hate that team. Most WWE fans are like fuckin’ 10. They don’t care about Hulk Hogan or Randy Savage. Paige is out here and people have orgasms because accent, pale, looks like she has a nice butthole, etc. She’s fighting Nikki Bella. That will end in interference from Naomi and Tamina or some shit.
I’d bust a nut on Nikki Bella two minutes after John Cena got done busting a nut on her and sing her ridiculous entrance theme while I did. The only way she’s losing that belt any time soon is if WWE signs Caitlyn Jenner to a full time contract. They already have two men with tits signed in Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens. This match lasts long. I can say in all honesty Nikki has improved. I’m not saying she’s amazing but she can hold her own and I don’t mind her – that being said I hope her reign lasts until menopause. Brie and Nikki hit Twin match as Brie appears from under the ring and makes absolutely sure that the referee doesn’t see her since they look different now.
Randy Orton has been featured on TV so little as of late, I honestly forgot he was employed. I also forgot he was face. I also forgot he was anything. He’s fighting Sheamus and his stupid haircut. I walk away to talk to my cousin about serious family issues, which is actually despite the fact that things are rough here, STILL more entertaining than if I sat here watching these two. Sheamus uses a chair to get disqualified then hits a Brogue Kick after the match to Randy Orton. Didn’t these guys feud a few times before? I can’t stop yawning. Why do we watch this shit? I work two jobs, take care of a Mom who is fighting cancer, have animals to take care of, just got screwed over by someone I cared about for six years, and don’t get enough sleep – why am I doing this to myself. By the way, if you want to help, check out gofundme.com/riverarelieffund which is to help take care of things at home with me and my mother in the wake of losing my father last year - you know, ACTUAL problems, not like you assgoblins out there who have a Go Fund Me to get fucking Lana Del Ray tickets. If you’re one of those people that likes to help people – if not, I totally understand, not anyone’s responsibility or problem, but it’d be cool. Cooler than Sheamus Brogue Kicking Randy Orton a second time. I miss Sheamus’ old entrance theme.
Rusev has an injured ankle. I’m surprised they have not dragged him out back and shot him. Saxton is worried that between the injury and between Lana, what is his current state of mine. Rusev unveils the Depressed Rusev gimmick. He has no Lana, no title, no career. He has been CRUSHED. HE HAS NOTHING. He tells us this. He says he sees what he wants and what he desires and he will get all of it back. Keep him away from the steroids and the bowflex or else.
This is getting fucking ridiculous already.
BUT THIS. IS. INSPIRATIONAl. Bo Dallas comes out here to inspire. He should probably stop Rusev from killing himself. Dallas said he tried to help Neville but now he just wants to hurt him after losing to him last night. The two are going to fight again. Neville has too many nicknames – the Man that Gravity Forgot is alright but did we have to call him The New Sensation ON TOP of it? Isn’t New Sensations a pornographic film company? Not that… I would know… about that. Neville won by the way.
Main event is next, and I’m sort of bored of Reigns fighting people all night, and Bray is dead in the water after WWE did a good job of killing so much of his momentum that he had. Seth Rollins, Jamie Noble, and Joey Mercury make their way to the ring and I have to stop myself from falling asleep because 1) I work 2 jobs and I am a responsible adult. And 2) this isn’t really all that interesting. 3) Since I mentioned New Sensations I want to watch pornography instead of this now.
Oh joy CORPORATE KANE, the Interference Man! Reigns manages to cause Bray and Kane to collide then spears Bray Wyatt to win the match. I’m just glad this is over – oh, it’s not over because the Men’s Wearhouse and The Nude Photo Guy want to jump Reigns. However, Reigns is saved by Dean Ambrose because Dean needs to pee and needs somebody to hold his dick for him while he does and he’s not about to lose his best Dickhand Samoan.
Didn’t Ambrose steal the IC belt too and it turned into a cartoon where R-Truth, Luke Harper, and Stardust all stole it too? If this leads to 50 people stealing the belt, I’m outta here. You know what? I have better shit to do, I’m the responsible adult and I’m outta here anyway. I might be back next week but I might also just decide that recapping this shit is a waste of three hours of my time that I could be spent working out. Fuck y’all. I’m gonna go talk to my Mirakuru Dealer and do something about this.