I have so much other better shit I should be doing with my time than watching RAW for three hours. Not exactly, better, mind you, but responsibilities which I am putting off to bring YOU this RAW recap so that YOU can save three hours of your time. It’d be nice to throw me a few bucks via PayPal on email@example.com – that’d be cool of you. Some other personal hardships are arising in my life as of late but I’ll save discussion of those things for later in the week on Asked or something along those lines. Anyway, it’s time for a RAW recap while I try to figure out the best way to multitask so that I’m feeling like I’m slacking on other things which need to be handled or accomplished.
Seth Rollins is out here probably because for some reason WWE is running some kind of Seth Rollins/Jon Stewart crossover which people like me don’t give a shit about. This started with promos, then Seth Rollins appearing on the Daily Show, and now Jon Stewart is going to appear on RAW. And I’m going to appear in the bathroom.
Seth Rollins finished on someone’s tits on the Daily Show or something - I mean just look at that face. I really could not care about any of this. This is a waste of Seth Rollins who is arguably the top heel in the company. Rollins is inevitably interrupted by The Shield – all 1 of them, Roman Reigns.
I admit there’s a certain permanent connection any time former Shield members interact with one another. New Jersey boos. Reigns says he came out to hear everyone tell him that he sucks live. The crowd seems to be booing both of them. Reigns asks his former partner to continue, please. Seth Rollins says he is worth more than Michael Jordan, he can out-talk Jon Stewart and out rap Wiz Khalifa and he can even out-eat Mark Henry. Rollins says he can out-wrestle Reigns and the crowd applauds. Rollins says he will be the next WWE World Heavyweight Champion and not Reigns. The crowd eventually dissipates into “CM PUNK” chants. Rollins teases his cash-ins and Reigns says maybe he should punch Rollins in the mouth right now. He does so, then beats up J&J security with the Superman Punch on Noble and the Spear on Mercury. Rollins retreats and Reigns’ music hits.
Backstage Orton bashes J & J for not protecting Rollins, and Rollins says he has a handle on all of this.
Meanwhile R-Truth and Dean Ambrose are thieves and have stolen the title belt of the Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett and are playing Hot Potato with it. R-Truth gives it back to Ambrose. That belt’s had more hands on it than a cracked-out Sunny who is desperate to make a dollar in a world that no longer gives a shit about her.
Barrett takes the time to mock Truth before we hit commercials, obviously still upset these guys keep stealing his belt.
R-Truth steals the belt mid-match again only for Luke Harper to randomly appear and insert himself into this whole debacle over the belt. Barrett loses again when Luke Harper snatches the belt from Truth and walks away.
The Miz stole Damien Mizdow’s commercial last week without even knowing what the commercial was about. The commercial was for erectile dysfunction. Sandow begs Miz to screen this privately and not play this in front of everyone or he’s going to regret it. Miz basically tells Sandow to shut up and the commercial plays.
Everyone begins to make fun of Miz’s lack of sexual performance and dick size. Miz tells them to stop laughing and that the “little general has plenty of bullets in his arsenal.” Miz, in his paranoia, claims Sandow set him up and screams at him while crying. Miz claims that Sandow will be fired from WWE again when he’s through with him and slaps the taste out of Sandow’s mouth.
Oh joy! A fat man wants to fight an old man at Wrestlemania! Bray Wyatt mocks the Undertaker. I couldn’t care less. If Bray beats Undertaker, Undertaker further looks like crap. If Undertaker beats Bray, Bray is dead in the water.
The eater of Worlds (and everything else) demands the Undertaker FIND HIM and says he will burn. He then burns a casket and we cut to commercials. Yawn. Am I the only one not impressed? The Usos and Naomi take on Tyson Kidd, Cesaro and Natalya in a six-person intergender deal.
Natalya and “TJ From Total Divas” argue after the match a little. Cesaro tries to keep the peace between them while Natalya blames Kidd for the loss. He tries to hug his way out of this loss and it works.
The cocky smile MAKES this. Kidd is a master of trollface.jpg moments. I've said it before like 1,000 times and I'll say it again "Why isn't this man Intercontinental Champion yet?"
Since Rusev will not fight John Cena, John Cena wants to be in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal but Stephanie McMahon comes out here and apparently has other plans. Stephanie shows us a picture of her as a child sitting in Andre The Giant’s lap. She denies John Cena entry to the Battle Royal. He says he likes that photo because it’s a photo of before Stephanie became a bitch. He says he’s a 15 time champion who has been in 10 Wrestlemanias and he didn’t think it would be a problem. Stephanie explains John Cena is not a friend to the Authority and doesn’t get favors because he can’t even get the job done against Rusev.
Curtis Axel interrupts and kisses up to Stephanie McMahon while putting over that he’s been in the Royal Rumble for 35 days or some shit. This Axelmania thing is actually the most amusing he's ever been. John Cena warns Axel how fired up he is and they have a brief match where Axel taps out. Rusev is out here next, and Stephanie had stated the only way Cena gets Rusev is if he can change Rusev’s mind about accepting the rematch. Rusev says his decision is still NO.
Rusev then uses his mutant power to summon the Russian flag to pop up behind Cena. For his next trick he will bury Cena under L and T shaped Tetris blocks while the music plays.
After the bad ending to Russia vs. America plays, HHH comes out here to talk about Sting and puts Booker T on the spot because earlier Booker T claimed Sting didn’t come here because the door was always closed and maybe Triple H had something to do with it. Booker T says that if he were in Triple H’s position he wouldn’t have allowed Sting to come here either. HHH thinks this is ridiculous. HHH says Sting didn’t want to come here in response to Booker and fires him.
Booker T stares down HHH. Well, Black History Month is officially over. Booker T should have kicked his ass. I guess that heat from Wrestlemania 19 is still there. As Booker walks his way up the ramp to leave, HHH tells him to stop and says “just kidding. I’m not firing you. You’re a valuable part of the team, but I wanted to show you an example of what control is.”
Nikki Bella vs. Paige. Get your stopwatch out. Last week the Divas match lasted like 9 seconds. I hope tonight’s is 8 seconds to infuriate people on the Internet. I think we summed up all this #GiveDivasAChance crap on Asked last week:
Also, the same people who want women to “have a chance” in wrestling get angry when independent wrestlers fight women on the same page as men in intergender matches, like when Chris Dickinson fought Kimber Lee at Beyond Wrestling (in previous years Dickinson has fought Addy Star in ISW as well).
Happy Women’s History Month!
Anyway, how are you going to say you want women to get as physical as they want to get but when they do go “POOR BABY, CHRIS DICKINSON BELONGS IN JAIL?” The same people who bitch about how WWE treats Divas sits there and watches a lame staged reality TV show like Total Divas and wants to play “that’s vulgar” any time a female on the indy circuit does something that blows the minds of the viewer.
We are a few minutes in and Paige vs. Nikki is already 3 times as long as the match last week. This IS a title match by the way if you’re not keeping score. I’m pretty sure a few retarded fangirls on Tumblr will next bitch about the fact there was a commercial break during the match (like those don’t happen to all the Men’s Matches as well). Paige vs. Nikki is decent and Paige manages to thwart Brie’s interference AND lock the PTO on Nikki. Brie gets back up and forces the disqualification then lays waste to Paige after the match. AJ Lee’s theme hits and AJ makes the save. Paige is still down so the Bellas begin to overwhelm AJ until Paige makes her way back to her feet.
The annoying CM Punk chant starts because we need to be reminded of who’s dick is in AJ Lee’s ass when she’s not here. She used to be so wonderful too. Then CM Punk put his dick in her and ruined everything.
AJ Lee and Paige are backstage and Paige wants to know who told AJ to get involved. AJ says she’s back to “Give Divas a Chance.” Paige says that she’s always respected AJ unlike those Kardashian/Olson Twin wanna-bes the Bellas. They leave off as friends. We now get “The Daily Show with Seth Rollins.”
This is going to be rough.
After a segment that goes on entirely long (wasn’t terrible but it was long), Rollins decides to attack Stewart only for Randy Orton to slowly make his way to the ring. Orton acts like he was out here to help but his music caused Rollins to be distracted and get hit in the nuts by Jon Stewart who made his escape. Renee interviews Stewart who cuts it short to leave.
Luke Harper is not REALLY the Intercontinental Champion in case you weren’t keeping score (because wrestling fans have short attention spans and bad memories) that he simply stole the belt the way everybody has. Once Luke Harper taps out after a long rough brutal match with Daniel Bryan, the chase begins anew with Ambrose, Harper, R-Truth and Barrett all trying to grab the belt only for Ziggler to stop Harper at the end of the ramp way.
Ziggler poses with the belt and has a bit of a staredown that makes you wonder if Daniel Bryan will be in this mix after all.
Alundra Blayze is announced into the WWE Hall of Fame which is somewhat surprising given the WCW situation where she threw the belt in the trash.
Tensions between Orton and Rollins increase as Randy Orton says he’s just trying to help. J & J Security, Kane, and the Big Show do not want Orton out there and make him go away.
Paul Heyman is out here to address rumors about Brock Lesnar and says Lesnar will be at Wrestlemania, and will go anywhere he wants before Wrestlemania and after Wrestlemania because he will go anywhere we damn well pleases. He then cuts “standard Paul Heyman promo #6.”
Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins goes decent, and Orton comes down to the ring. People expected the swerve but Orton helps Rollins win to further gain the trust of the Authority. After the match, Reigns leaps over the rops onto the entire Authority taking out pretty much everyone but Orton, who is long gone. Rollins tries to leap at Reigns off the top rope and gets speared out of mid-air to close the show.
Pretty standard RAW. I didn’t love it. I didn’t hate it. It was just sort of, well, there. Good thing I had multitasking to do to keep myself busy. Now I get to watch Gotham and Better Call Saul which is arguably way more fun for me. Maybe I *am* too old for this shit.