If you haven’t noticed articles have been fewer and further between lately, which is mainly due to the fact that real life has me out of time, patience, energy or motivation. Moreover, I really don’t want to recap Monday Night RAW lately. After over a decade of doing it on and off for years, I feel like I probably should call wrestling recapping quits. It’s boring. But this article is about something important to me, unlike wrestling. I mean why are you guys so hung up on wrestling anyway? You should focus on more important things in life, like my hair.
A few years ago I got bored – with everything, and decided to grow my hair long again, a look I haven’t sported since 2004. In fact, my hair is longer now than it ever was then. As a result, in this era, the selfie generation, I get a lot of feedback about my hair, mainly in the form of who/what I look like with long hair. I’m now going to share with you the many, many varied, different, and insane comparisons I get about whom I remind people of.
CISCO RAMON FROM THE FLASH
I believe it was Derek M. who first said I look like Cisco from the Flash. I’ve been on a DC kick lately thanks to binge watching both CW’s The Flash and Arrow, both of which might be two of my favorite shows on television at the moment. Cisco is the Flash’s resident nerd, who works for S.T.A.R. labs and is responsible for naming most of the Flash’s rogue’s gallery. “That guy affects people through sound so he’s the Pied Piper!” Cisco has long hair, is Hispanic, and wears a lot of t-shirts with nerdy things on them, much like I do. I don’t necessarily think he looks THAT much like me, but he does look like what would happen if I impregnated WWE Diva AJ Lee.
In fact I think I’m going to offer her a chance to make a real Cisco Ramon right now. I WANT SEX PICS AJ LEE.
LIU KANG FROM MORTAL KOMBAT
Because of the fact my hair arcs at those awkward angles in the back, it often looks like Liu Kang’s weird mullet thing, not to mention from some angles I look Asian. I was a bit disappointed by this as Liu Kang is probably my least favorite Mortal Kombat character. In fact I celebrated when he died in Mortal Kombat Deadly Aliance because he was so fucking generic. The only good thing ABOUT Liu Kang in my opinion is killing him with a Fatality because he screams for like 20 minutes after you do. Fuck Liu Kang. And fuck anyone that looks like him.
Oh. Wait… can’t I look like someone better?
SHANG TSUNG FROM MORTAL KOMBAT THE MOVIE
Somehow I got mistaken for Shang Tsung as well, mostly the Shang Tsung from the movie, though, who is dope because he narrates everything and just sounds evil any time he opens his mouth. Shang Tsung is way more badass than Liu Kang plus he’s like 10,000 years old, which means I’ll live forever to insult and berate sensitive people on the Internet. My only gripe is that if I really do look like Shang Tsung, I may also look like Heihachi from Tekken and that motherfucker lost all his hair.
Shoot me now.
ROMAN REIGNS FROM WWE
Because of the fact like 90% of the people who follow me are wrestling fans, this is the one I get the most, and yet the one I’m the most okay with. Despite the fact people hate and despise the fact Roman Reigns is going to Wrestlemania this year, he’s also the one that for some reason an overwhelming amount of women want to have sex with. So I take it as a compliment that I look like who gets mentioned in comments such as “I would rape Roman Reigns.” …when it’s chicks that’s okay. When its men, that’s probably unacceptable, so dudes, stay the hell away from me, thanks.
THE USOS FROM WWE
This is slightly less amusing than getting Roman Reigns. It means I’d be like an Uso Triplet. It’s also totally sensible as the Usos and Reigns are related and thus look similar in a “Samoans all secretly look the same sort of way.” The good thing about looking like an Uso is that one of them is married to Naomi who arguably has the best ass in wrestling, and possibly the best ass in the world.
I would use her ass as a floatation device if I were shipwrecked, I would jump on her ass and use it as a springboard to enter the sky world that has all the gold coins. I would hold my ear up to her ass and hear the soothing sound of the ocean. That ass is so big that if I put my penis into it it would assimilate me like the Phalanx, I would… you get the point.
The only problem with looking like an Uso is that it implies Rikishi fucked my mother which is a horrible and traumatizing mental picture.
KARGATH FROM WORLD OF WARCRAFT
WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE SAY THAT I LOOK LIKE AN ORC? FUCK YOU. I’m already miserable enough as it is without being compared to an ugly gray dude. Also, he has a blade for a hand so it must be really, really difficult to jerk off. I’d kill myself early in the expansion pack, too.
ROBERT GARCIA FROM ART OF FIGHTING
Obscure videogame characters for the win! I actually enjoy the SNK games, and Robert Garcia is pretty awesome. Aside from being “the Dragon,” he has a great move set, wonderful hair, gets to bang Yuri with the big ass from Art of Fighting, cool stage music, and a lot of money. I’m actually really good with Robert in fighting games. He’s just a relentless character, and kind of cheap. He’s exactly what I would be if I were in a fighting game in terms of infuriatingly difficult to put up with and anger-inducing.
When you have money you can just bang bitches in dojos with no regard. I wish I had money. I also wish I could throw fireballs the size of Shaquile O’Neal at will. My life would be awesome. Instead I have to settle for having long hair and being a bum who lives paycheck to paycheck. Please send me money. Thanks.
STEVEN SEAGAL FROM LOW BUDGET ACTION MOVIES
I love Steven Seagal’s run in the early 1990s. He was great in movies because his whole gimmick was being the same guy in pretty much like all of them. Also his facial expression changes about as often as mine does. I barely ever smile. Steven Seagal was turning expressionlessness into an art form long before the emotionally empty Kristen Stewart started appearing in crappy movies like Twilight.
My problem is when people tell me I look like Seagal, I don’t think they’re trying to say I’m awesome. I think they’re trying to compare me to the fat, washed up, direct-to-video Steven Seagal of the current day so when I hear it I think I am being compared to a person past-his-prime who has nothing left to offer.
Come to think of it JasonRivera.com got way more hits back in the day… ah, fuck it.
JESUS CHRIST, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR
I don’t think I look anything like Jesus because I don’t have a cool beard nor am I really capable of growing one. Actually, I wouldn’t want to anyway as just letting my facial hair grow for a few weeks feels horribly annoying and I am convinced women who enjoy beards to the point they disqualify anyone who is clean-shaven from being an option probably don’t shave their vaginas on a consistent basis, but that’s beside the point. I welcome comparisons to being the Savior. Now if only I could perform miracles constantly could you imagine how much pussy I could get? Being Jesus would be awesome.
JESUS, (ANY MEXICAN JANITOR)
I changed my mind. Being Jesus would suck, and yes I’ve been compared to “a dirty Mexican janitor” before. Imagine THAT life, eh? Having 12 kids, making $4.74 an hour to clean toilets where people weren’t polite enough to flush after shitting? The only miracle in that guy’s life is he hasn’t killed himself yet.
(INSERT FILIPINO PERSON HERE)
Goddamn it, Brian Roth. I am Hispanic. Stop it.
And there you have it. There are probably a few that I am leaving out. A few I’ve forgotten, and a few the mind has glossed over because the memories are painful but whether it’s an evil sorcerer, a random Asian, a janitor, a roided up Samoan, a computer dweeb, or a guy who has an entire religion centered around him, it would seem like everybody has an opinion – and that is vastly superior to being invisible.
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