If you have never read these reviews before, here’s the deal: I go to randomppv.info, and I review whatever PPV has come up. You can read my other two reviews here (Unforgiven 2004) and here (Halloween Havoc 2000). These past two reviews have been fun, but I kind of want to do a show that I can actually recommend to people.
The show I will be watching today is...
Well, I guess we’ll try again next time. Sigh.
It’s February 2005. We’re on the Road to Wrestlemania 21, and WWE Champion John Bradshaw Layfield has drawn the ire of both Big Show, and Royal Rumble winner Batista. Now, JBL has to defend the WWE Championship against Big Show in the most diabolical of matches: a Barbed-Wire Steel Cage Match. This is bordering on WCW-levels of WTF. Let’s get through this, shall we? Our announcers are Michael Cole and Tazz. Live from Pittsburgh, PA, this is No Way Out 2005!
Promo before hand. The deep-voice announcer guy blames society for making this diabolical structure. I blame Vince McMahon for booking this match. That one decent Fozzy song (Enemy) is the theme song. We get a look at the barbed-wire cage, and it’s just a steel cage with barbed wire wrapped around the top. I understand the WWE can’t go really far, and I wasn’t really expecting the Cage of Death from CZW, but c’mon guys. Get a little more creative with your doomsday deathmatches of death.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero vs. Doug and Danny Basham (Champions)
-I hear this match is a favorite of former Asked co-host, Glenn. I hope he has good taste.
-This was during the Bashams time as JBL’s secretaries of defense. Their coats are more interesting than they are.
-WHO DAT JUMPIN’ OFF THE BOAT, R-E-Y, MYSTERI-OH, MY KNEE IS BLOWN. Love that song.
-After watching Lucha Underground and seeing real Lucha Libre, WWE-style lucha just looks weak in comparison.
-The Bashams do the Twin Magic spot. They don’t look alike enough for that to work.
-Tazz catches Cole on his shit when Cole tries to call out the heels for cheating. “So when Eddie cheats, it’s ok?” Cole has always sucked.
-Rey hits an awesome moonsault into a 69-pinning position for a two count. This was 10 years ago, so Rey’s knees weren’t Play-Doh levels of bad yet.
-Awesome spot where Eddie tied a second tag rope onto the first one, so he could get a tag from further on the apron. Those cheatin’ Guerreros. Eddie had one of the best gimmicks ever, because it worked when he was good or bad, and he can reinforce it during a match.
-Rey does some very cool maneuvering, and eventually Judo-rolls to make the hot tag.
-Another cool spot where the Bashams go for a double suplex, but Rey spears one of them, and Eddie rolls the other one up for a two-count.
-Eddie grabs one of the tag titles and Rey stops him, which allows the Bashams to switch out again. Eddie goes for a frog splash, but the Basham moves. Eddie rolls through, but lays down. He gets a two off of a roll up. I thought that was it.
-Rey tosses in one of the titles, but the ref takes it away. But there are two titles!
WINNERS: Mysterio and Guerrero win the titles after Eddie hits a Basham with a title belt. - Very good match, if only for Eddie working the gimmick.
-Teddy Long is backstage with a stage hand. He wants Batista’s locker room to look nice for when he gets here. Carlito comes in with an older woman. She is the wife of a member of the Board of Directors. Carlito says that if Teddy doesn’t sign Batista to Smackdown, he might get fired. Well that was pointless.
-Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie come out. This is apparently the first round of the Smackdown Rookie Diva Contest. Oh Lord. Dawn looks terrible. She’s wearing some yellow thing that I can't describe. I’m not a fashion guy, but that just looks bad. Round One is an Evening Gown Contest. The contestants are Michelle McCool (Ms. Undertaker), Joy Giovanni, Rochelle Loewen, and Lauren Jones. They don’t announce a winner and we move on. Pointless.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Heidenreich vs. Booker T
-Heidenreich, the pride of New Orleans, Louisiana.
-Heidenreich reads one of his poems. I think this was after he raped Michael Cole.
-Well, that happened.
WINNER: Booker T by DQ after Heidenreich hits him with a chair. - This is the last PPV before Wrestlemania, and they are putting Heidenreich over. Pointless.
-Eddie and Rey celebrate backstage with some jobbers before John Cena comes in. Eddie gives Cena a pep talk before telling him not to tap out to the Ankle Lock. Somewhat less pointless.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Six Man Gauntlet Match For the Cruiserweight Championship - Paul London vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Shannon Moore vs. Spike Dudley vs. Akio vs. Funaki (Champion)
-Jobbers, jobbers everywhere, but someone has to win.
-London and Funaki start, so Funaki needs to eliminate all of his opponents to retain.
-Well, so much for that. London pins Funaki after Spike interferes, FUNAKI IS ELIMINATED.
-Spike is the next man in, but Funaki superkicks him. London pins Spike, SPIKE IS ELIMINATED.
-Shannon Moore is in next. Note: the champion has been eliminated, and the crowd hasn’t made a peep.
-450 Splash from London, and MOORE IS ELIMINATED.
-Akio comes in. Funny story about him. He would get fired soon after this show. A few years later, he went to a show to meet with some friends. Vince McMahon saw him and asked why he hadn’t seen him in a while, not remembering that Akio had been fired already. After he explained that he had been fired two years ago, Vince brought Akio to his office and re-signed him to a contract. Classic Vince.
-Oh, and AKIO IS ELIMINATED.
-London and Chavo are left.
WINNER: Chavo Guerrero after he rolls up London and grabs the rope. - This would’ve been better off as a one-on-one match, since it was only London and Chavo getting any heat. A nothing match.
-Round 2 of the Divas thing. Moving right along.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Luther Reigns w/ Mark Jindrak vs. The Undertaker
-Ugggggggggggggggggh. I don’t know how to convey my absolute apathy at this.
-Jindrak gets thrown out before the match starts. I'd put in jinjack.jpg, but I don't want to disgust any of you, so I won't.
-I’ll never forget that my first live Undertaker match was the one where the streak ended.
-Cole calls a flatliner a DDT. Those don’t even look alike.
-All the new guys that showed up on Smackdown from 2003-2005 were hairless jacked white guys with no mic skills. Think of it this way: Go to a club, and look for the big guy in the Ed Hardy/Affliction/TapOut douchebag t-shirt. Those were the guys WWE were pushing back then.
-Cole says that Reigns had been shot, stabbed, and put in jail in 23-hour solitary. He’s got more street cred than a bunch of these wannabe thug rappers nowadays.
-Reigns low-blows Taker, and shoves his head into an exposed turnbuckle.
-Reigns has the create-a-character generic moveset from a Smackdown vs. Raw game. Just punches and kicks. Punches and kicks.
-Shitty spear from Reigns. I’m surprised that I haven’t made a Roman Reigns joke yet.
-Reigns reverses a Tombstone into a Scorpion Deathdrop, but that only gets a two.
-Chokeslam. Throat cut. Tombstone. We’re done here.
WINNER: The Undertaker after he hits Reigns with a Tombstone. - Taker can have good matches with good guys, but you can’t ask him to carry a guy. This match is a prime example of why. Not as bad as I would have assumed, but still bad.
-Divas thing. Joy wins, I think. Moving right along.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Winner Gets A WWE Title Shot at Wrestlemania - Kurt Angle vs. John Cena
-John Cena is the US Champion at this point. 10 years later, he’s still going for that title. It’s a shame he never really got that main event run. He’d probably have done well.
-Kurt Angle gets the “You Suck” treatment from his own hometown. That must suck.
-John Cena is basically Channing Tatum from Step Up. He’s a decent-looking white guy who thinks he’s black.
-Cena keeps going for the FU, but Angle keeps reversing out.
-Really cool counter where Angle reverses an FU by getting on Cena’s shoulders, rolling through, and putting Cena in the Ankle Lock. Cena rolls through and knocks Angle out of the ring.
-Cena hits the FU, but Angle kicks out. Angle then starts working on Cena’s leg.
-Angle just stomps on Cena’s ankle. Brutal.
-Angle puts on the Ankle Lock. I wish they played Eddie’s voice over the speakers saying, “Don’t give up, John.”
-Ref bump. Angle goes for Cena’s chain, but Cena knocks it out of his hands and hits an FU for the win.
WINNER: John Cena after he hits Angle with an FU. - Good match. Nothing to call home about, but a big win for Cena as he goes on to Wrestlemania.
-Promo package before the main event. It spends half the time promoting JBL/Batista. Unfortunately, the main event is...
MATCH NUMBER SIX: Barbed Wire Steel Cage Match for the WWE Championship - Win by pinfall, submission, or escaping the cage - The Big Show vs. JBL (Champion)
-There are so many logic holes in this match, this article would be twice as long if I went into all of them. But here is one: Why would anyone even try to escape the cage? There is FUCKING BARBED WIRE AT THE TOP! Who would be stupid enough to do this?
-ICP sign in the crowd. Gonna assume that was Johnny Landin.
-As much as I hate his commentary (and I fucking hate his commentary), JBL played his gimmick to perfection. Great music, too.
-Taz and Cole continually say that the door will be locked, and that you have to escape over the top of the cage, which is COVERED IN BARBED WIRE. So now whoever tries to escape is a moron, since in case you forgot, THERE IS BARBED WIRE AT THE TOP.
-JBL tries to escape over the top early, but doesn’t, because (SHOCKER) there’s barbed wire up there! Whoever thought that this was a good idea probably watched a load of ECW tapes before thinking of it.
-Is Big Show wearing two singlets?
-Big Show is busted open, and he hasn’t even gone near the wire. If the cage can bust you open, why is the barbed wire even there?
-This crowd has died a death. No surprise there.
-Now Bradshaw is bleeding after being thrown into the cage. This barbed wire is completely useless.
-Show shittily catapults JBL into the cage, before Orlando Jordan and the Bashams run out to help JBL.
-Teddy Long comes out. What is this shit?
-JBL somehow gets bolt cutters, and hits Show with that, and a Clothesline From Hell for a two count.
-Cole goes on about Jordan leaving JBL the bolt cutters, when it was clearly one of the Bashams that did it. Shut up, Cole. Just shut up.
-Chokeslam for a two count. Best part of this match is the timer on the Network inching closer to the end of this match.
-JBL low blows Show, and hits a big boot for a 2.
-JBL climbs to cut the barbed wire with the bolt cutters, but Show cuts him off. But not with the bolt cutters, that would hurt.
-The wire has not been touched. WHY IS IT THERE?
-Both guys are on the top rope, crowd is chanting for Batista. I don’t blame them.
-Show chokeslams JBL through the ring, and that gets the crowd back into it.
-Cole says that Big Show has definitely won. Which means that JBL is definitely winning this thing.
-Show breaks the chain on the door. I’m gonna just assume that was Cena's chain from earlier, and that's why him and Show are always fighting. "You broke my chain. I'LL KILL YOU."
-This spot reminds me when Mark Henry completely screwed up a spot with a steel cage. Any description I try to give wouldn't give this justice, just watch this.
-That is a classic. Anyway, Show escapes, but Tony Chimel says that the winner, and STILL CHAMPION...
WINNER: JBL retains after he crawls out from under the broken ring, and touches the floor first. - On the bright side, at least we don’t have to see Cena vs. Big Show again. And this was in 2005.
-Bashams and Jordan come back to attack Big Show, when Batista finally comes out and takes them out. There’s a giant hole in the ring, BTW.
-JBL escapes up the ramp, but Cena stops him, and throws him through a palatte, or board or something.
-Batista and Cena argue as we go off the air, teasing a triple threat match at Wrestlemania. Spoilers: That didn’t happen.
FINAL THOUGHTS: WWE has 12 pay-per-views a year. This was technically one of them. SUIT DOES NOT RECOMMEND.
Do you enjoy my brand of humor? Do you have suggestions on how to improve? Would you like to argue with me on the technical skills of Heidenreich? Then leave a comment below, or follow me on Twitter, @SuitWilliams, and see what else I have to say. With that said, I’ll see you next time.