From the Archives: The Landin Report - Is Lady Gaga The Worst Attention Whore Ever?

With the recent announcement that Lady Gaga would be the star of Season 5 of the hit television series "American Horror Story" it felt like the right time to bring back this article from the archives, and one of Johnny Landin's final installments of "The Landin Report" before he shifted focus solely to podcasting instead of writing.  This piece was written in 2010 at the height of Gaga's popularity (and also annoyance factor) and is a testament to the fact that the five years makes a difference as in that time Lady Gaga has shifted away from hatching from eggs and become more solid of an artist instead of just everyone's "flavor of the week/what kind of stupid shit is she going to do next?" performer.

This article was also featured on The Landin Report. This however, is an extended edition with deleted scenes. We were also going to include an alternate ending with a baby choking itself to death on an umbilical cord like the alternate end of The Butterfly Effect, because that’s how Gaga’s music makes us feel but we figured it would be offensive to pregnant women, and if you’re pregnant you shouldn’t even be reading this; we can’t have pregnant bitches running around up in here. It’s in the disclaimer. -R

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past two years and you don’t know who Lady Gaga is, she’s a pop singer hand picked by the media to corrupt our youth and convince everyone that promiscuous sex, materialism and lesbianism is OK. In other words, she’s an agent of the Illuminati. Yes, the same Illuminati who have infiltrated our media for the past 50 years and have included subliminal dicks in Disney films.

AHAHAHAHA IT’S A DICK. AHAHAHAHA. Sorry. Anyway, Lady Gaga is probably the most over-played artist on the radio today, meaning she either sucked a lot of penis to get where she is, or she’s really talented. I’m guessing the former, seeing as how she doesn’t even write her own music and she sounds like a clone of Christina Aguilera. Which I guess is why she’s gone out of her way to wear ridiculous outfits like the one pictured below:

Riv’s Note: Where the fuck have I seen that costume before? It looks strangely familiar...

Oh yeah, now I remember where I’ve seen Gaga before she was famous... she used to be that pedophilic faggot who dresses like Peter Pan.

The only thing differentiating Lady Gaga from Christina Aguilera is that Kermit the Frog outfit. That, and Gaga’s saggy titties. As much as I want to take her seriously, it’s kind of hard for me to to do when she keeps dressing like the village idiot every given chance she gets. And she’s under the misconception that wearing ridiculous super villain costumes makes her edgy.

I mean, fucking seriously. What is Lady Gaga trying to accomplish with these costumes and why do people find it attractive? Someone call the Power Rangers - Eye-Guy is attacking the city! And he’s 50-feet-tall.

Oh wait. Nevermind. That’s just a Lady Gaga concert and all those screaming people are idiots that paid $250 dollars for this shit. Speaking of Power Rangers I’m relatively sure we will see Gaga in some kind of awful variant of the Rita Repulsa costume before the years out, but to be fair Rita Repulsa might actually be more sexually attractive and have a better voice.

The one thing she’s forgetting is that she’s just a pop singer who doesn’t write her own music and dances around on stage like an idiot. She relies on production and catchy choruses to sell records. It’s not like she’s in a heavy metal band and is non-conformist. At this point her ridiculous outfits are just ploys for media attention as she is desperate for publicity.

Take a look at how stunned he is. She’s so detestable that even Eminem is speechless. She drained him of all his super powers to the point his hair turned brown again and turned him into Mild-Mannered-Marshall-Matthers; for the first time in his life he has absolutely no idea what to say about this. Eminem was probably wondering why someone would go out in public dressed like a Silent Hill character.

What really annoys me is when people go out of their way to analyze Lady Gaga’s music. She doesn’t write her own songs. None of the songs really mean shit, either. They’re just catchy choruses with random references to sex and Satan. You’d be better off analyzing the dump you took this morning than you would analyzing Lady Gaga’s music. The kernels of corn in your feces are more deep and impactful than her songs.

Gaga’s popularity reached new heights when she was featured on Barbara Walter’s Ten Most Fascinating People of 2009 list. A list that means absolutely nothing because it consisted of Kate Gosselin who’s famous for absolutely no reason, and Michelle Obama who looks like her face was put together using pins after a bad car wreck. Because of her involvement in this meaningless list, Gaga was interviewed by Barbara Walters, who pretended she listened to Gaga’s music. Everyone knows that’s impossible, though, as Barbara Walters is so old she was around when Mozart and Beethoven were alive.

The only thing worth noting about the interview is the fact that Lady Gaga went out of her way to pretend she’s bisexual despite the fact that it’s obviously all a publicity stunt. That, and the fact that we’re actually supposed to believe Barbara Walters listens to generic, over-played electronic artists like Lady Gaga.

I will give SOME credit where it’s due, though. Lady Gaga does have funny tweets.

 

She cares about her fans, or at least pretends to. Which is good, because without Lady Gaga they’d probably all be on suicide watch right next to the Juggalos who worship Insane Clown Posse. Their obsession level is about even with a Juggalo’s, too. The difference is, while Juggalos put on makeup to intentionally look like clowns, Gaga’s fans put on makeup and unintentionally look like clowns.

There’s also the weight difference. The average weight of a female Juggalo (Juggalette) is about 315. The average weight of a female Gaga fan is 225.

Goddamnit, put some fucking pants on and eat a salad.

I think I almost went blind this past Halloween seeing so many fat girls dressed like this. And lest we forget the men who cross dress to look like her.

You know your life has completely lost all meaning when you have resorted to dressing like Lady Gaga in your spare time and taking photos of it for Facebook.

Goddamnit, put some fucking pants on and eat some red meat.

Lady Gaga wants to keep her brain-dead fans talking about her, and that’s probably not hard to do seeing as how most of her fans are drunk, sloppy girls who have no life outside of watching reality TV and following whatever trend MTV and the liberal media tell them to. As a matter of fact, I have actually constructed a diagram of the average female brain.

And as you can see above, Lady Gaga has an entire portion of the female brain dedicated to her, meaning she has succeeded in brainwashing the seemingly brain dead. Lady Gaga appeals to women because she is just as one dimensional as the majority of them are. Much like the girls she markets herself to, her life consists of the following:

1) Drinking
2) Having sex with booger guys
3) Consuming an unhealthy 1-meal a day diet consisting of primarily fried foods

The difference is Lady Gaga is a millionaire off of this despite looking like Paul from the Wonder Years.

She has also done a good job of getting her poorly written gibberish songs stuck in people’s heads. Like this one:

This crap is almost a year old (Editor's Note: 6 years old now -R) and yet I still hear it on the radio 10 times a day. As a matter of fact, I hear it everywhere I go, even the supermarket. I think there are grandmothers who listen to this crap. People still listen to it like it’s new. So in addition to being a bunch of weak, liberal fags, the mainstream media is always behind on music by a good 6 - 10 months. How could ANYONE possibly listen to a song for that long? Unless you were in jail or in a coma, or you were too poor to afford a radio in 2009, there’s no way you can tell me you haven’t heard most of, if not all of, Lady Gaga’s over played songs. The songs have completely lost meaning at this point. This song is fucking gay and if the radio wants to impress me they’ll start playing some real music -- like “Special Girl” by Bangs.

That has to be the ugliest girl ever. She’s probably his sister too. That’s socially acceptable in Sudan anyway, I’m pretty sure.

I’ve also noticed that as time progresses, Lady Gaga continues to lose her looks and slowly shrivels away into a vitamin deficient shell of her former self. Kind of like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, except she seems to be morphing into some kind of a pterodactyl instead.

Yeah, she can’t be Gollum anyway. That spot is reserved for her fellow Illuminati member, Barack Obama.

HEALTHCARE, MY PRECIOUSSSSS!

It’s almost saddening to look at pictures of pre-Satanist Lady Gaga. At one point she actually looked like a regular, somewhat attractive girl. This was before she had banana-shaped tits, random bruises on her ass-cheeks, or started aging like Benjamin Button in reverse.

That was 2005. And now only five short years later she looks like she fell into a vat of chemicals which bleached her skin and hair and made her look like a chemotherapy patient.

Joining the Illuminati has made her pale and sweaty like Anakin Skywalker when he joined the dark side. And while we’re on the subject of Star Wars she looks like she belongs in the Cantina scene.

I’m not sure what’s worse, her outfits which look like they belong on Sesame Street, or her taste in men.

I don’t even think that’s Lady Gaga in the picture with that guy. Look at it closer.

I knew it wasn’t her. OHMYGOD IT’S PRINCE CHARLES!!!!!

In 2010 we are not allowed to swear on the radio, offend minority groups, or show violence on TV. Yet we ARE allowed to make music about having threesome’s, promiscuous sex and drug use. The media and Illuminati are turning our society into a bunch of drug addicted pussies with STD’s. Lady Gaga is one of the tools being used to do this. The media must be stopped, the Illuminati must be destroyed, and we must restore Lady Gaga to her original, orange form. In the mean time, please bare in mind that everything Lady Gaga is doing has been done before by another woman who also had a penis and looked like Paul from the Wonder Years.

If you don’t agree, feel free tweet me on the @AskedShow account, so that I can tell you you’re just a dumb slut with no future.