From the Archives: Movie Review: For Colored Girls!

This week's "From the Archives" is a review of the Tyler Perry film For Colored Girls - initially I wanted to post a ton of my Black History Month articles up this month, but had no time at all. Even though Black History Month is over officially as of today I'm just going to do what I set out to do and post this article anyway. So screw you.

I am NOT excited for this. Not even remotely.

I am NOT excited for this. Not even remotely.

As I kick off the “Black History Month” themed articles on JasonRivera.com for the year you’re probably wondering why the fuck I even have a copy of For Colored Girls in my house. The fact of the matter is that my mother often forgets that she’s not a black person. This is probably due to the fact she works in the black part of town with black people all day and even though she’s the lightest skinned Puerto Rican in this household, years of watching Oprah Winfrey often make my mother forget who she is. This is the same reason I managed to score a bootleg copy of Precious when the site first re-opened. The amusing part of my doing this review is that this film is clearly “for colored girls.” I am not a colored girl; therefore this movie definitely is not for me. If it were titled “For Angry Terminally Horny Puerto Rican Men” maybe it would be, but it’s not. I would also like to point out that I feel sincerely sorry for the African American film community, and for all the white people that want to see movies every time something Tyler Perry had his hand in comes out as well.

First off I’d like to know when and why we went from Spike Lee, who actually has put out films that I can admit I’ve enjoyed in the past to a man who cross dresses as an old black lady when it comes to Black Cinematic Icons. That’s almost along the same lines of how rap was always angry when I was growing up and now rap has become a bunch of fruity faggotty autotune shit. The white people aren’t doing any better musically with this whole “dubstep” bullshit. You know you’re getting old when you absolutely hate all music made in the past five or more years. Secondly, to the reason I pity white people when Tyler Perry films are released this is because I live in Georgia which, let’s be honest has what feels like at least a 2 to 1 black to “everyone else” ratio which worsens the closer you get to metro Atlanta. Because of this, it doesn’t matter what other movies have come out the weekend a Tyler Perry film is released; you can rest assured his films will occupy ½ of the theaters in a movie theater, and thus you have limited showings for just about everything else.

Even if you do happen to get into a movie like oh, I don’t know - Clash of the Titans - it’s filled with a bunch of uppity angry negros who weren’t able to get into the “sold out in 6 theaters” Tyler Perry movie, settled for “dat white people movie” and will talk during the entire fucking thing. Some of the choice lines that me and my unfortunate friends got to hear thanks to the loud bitch behind us are as follows:

--A Cracking? What a Cracking is? (Kraken)
--Medusa? Is dat dat bitch wit dem snakes in her hair? (No, bitch that’s you and your cheap ass weave).
--Dat dem pegasuses. (Had no clue the word Pegasus needs a +es to be a plural).
--Who dat is? (Bitch that’s Liam Neeson and he hates you just like I hate you).

That’s ZEUS to you, hooker. I guess it’s time to turn this shit on and see what the hell it’s about. Awesomely enough it is a “TRUE” bootleg, which you don’t see very often in this world of digital theft and fuckery. By it being a true bootleg I mean that this movie actually has people in the theaters and was made by some crackhead filming this shit inside the theater itself with a camcorder. I’m at least proud of my mother for not contributing to Tyler Perry’s wallet. What’s he going to do with that money anyway – buy more wigs? Matching panties? The opening scene shows some dancing to a beautiful music piece, nothing really worth noting, screencapping, or even making fun of here.

Those tits, however, could not be passed up. Sadly my enjoyment of these tits is ruined by the distraction of some really bad poetry being read.

Oh no, not Adele from Grey’s Anatomy again. Didn’t I just snap on her for not being dead yet on that show in a Grey’s Anatomy Recap that was supposed to be a TNA recap? As I said there, I still have not forgiven this bitch for the time she took Sean Penn’s baby from him in I Am Sam. Usually I’m all for the suffering of retards but she took it too far in that film. There’s also the fact that her voice makes ME feel like I’m suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease – naturally they let her speak.

Holy shit, Bill Cosby’s wife from The Cosby Show aged something nasty. I personally thought she was dead. When did she start looking like McGruff? Someone should take a bite out of the crime of making her look that bad. She wasn’t an ugly woman when I was growing up at all. Now she looks rather unfortunate. I already hate this movie for tainting at least one childhood memory only 2 minutes in.

This is proof that in death Michael Jackson has possessed the body of his sister Janet as the older she gets the more and more she transforms INTO Michael Jackson. This is also depressing as Janet Jackson used to be pretty hot. Now she’s just a slightly darker Latoya who is a carbon copy of Michael only with a vagina. Apparently the last name “Jackson” is synonymous with “people who look like E.T.”

Whoopi Goldberg. Is this Sister Act 3? The only time I give a damn about anything Whoopi Goldberg has to say is when she’s talking to Sam Wheat about how his friend Carl hired a Puerto Rican to murder him - Ghost was fucking badass for a douchefilm. This movie? Not so much…

Kerry Washington? FUCK YES! If I were a super-villain I’d have killed Thing in Fantastic Four then fucked her since she was blind and wouldn’t have known. I would’ve taken several ass-kickings from Samuel L. Jackson in Lakeview Terrace to hit that. At least she somewhat makes up for the fact that after the initial girl with nice tits I got hit with a nasty four-hit combo of ugliness. Unfortunately as if out of pure spite she appeared to be holding a pregnancy test and so I’m sure that I will now have to look at her with a massive, enlarged belly. Go fuck yourself, Tyler Perry. Is there a fucking point to all this? This feels like some sort of artsy film that wins a lot of independent film awards despite nobody hearing about it or caring about it.

All the women say LET HER BE BORN AND HANDLED WARMLY in unison. I feel like I was just the victim of some kind of nasty voodoo magic spell. They finish it with THIS IS FOR COLORED GIRLS. Does that mean that once again, since it’s not for Terminally Horny Puerto Rican Men that I can leave?

We immediately see this fine, upstanding dandy gentleman ask his woman what there is to eat. She says that she has a lot of work to do and can’t do it with a man around. That is the incorrect answer with a hungry man asks you for food. This should be responded with by him throwing her out of the window. She then tells him that while the sex has been nice, she can’t see him again.

This is probably because from this vantage he looks like WWE Superstar Kofi Kingston and that guy’s biggest accomplishments are tagging with stoners that ruin his career and losing to Dolph Ziggler 42 times in a row. I think this is proof that anyone with long dreds and a goatee is destined for failure. I haven’t seen a break-up happen this early in a film since Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up and even he lasted longer than this guy has. She tells him to go home to his “wife.” This movie is in fact for colored girls because if I’m a black guy I probably am already hating the notion that it’s almost stereotyped that it is impossible to be honest. Meanwhile Kerry Washington is working on the behalf of child & family services to repo some kids.

This looks like the exact same fucking set from Precious. I hope this means more chicks that look like Mark Henry getting thrown down them and abused on a constant level. That shit was funny. In the same building the fat bitch that plays Adele in Grey’s Anatomy is yelling at her husband for fucking someone else. I think it’s hilarious that she’s basically become typecast in this role thanks to Grey’s Anatomy. She has the exact same fucking problem on THAT show. The problem *I* have is that this means we have to hear her horrible Pillsbury Dough Girl voice as she screams her husband FRANKLIN’S name. The only solace I have is that I’m tired of hearing this bitch yell RICHARD in her other role. Apparently this isn’t her husband after all – just a man she’s dating and become obsessed with. She’s mad he doesn’t love her and is ENDING this affair. Is everyone fucking somebody who is already married in this film? She basically tells him to fuck off forever, and leaves a plant on his doorstep with a note.

See? That’s where you fucked up. Real men don’t give a shit about no fuckin’ plants. Apparently all the women in this movie live in the same building. Anyone have a Molotov cocktail I can borrow? Mrs. Cosby basically calls the bitch who threw Kofi Kingston out of her house at the beginning of the movie a “cocksucker” which since this is a bootleg you get a lot of “OHHHH” and “OH NO SHE DIDN’T” from the in-movie soundtrack. She mocks the fact she has so many men coming to her house, and this is countered with “you’re jealous because you don’t have any men coming (or cumming) at all.” I bet the only thing that makes Bill Cosby cum is having sexual intercourse with a bowl of Jell-O. Kerry Washington makes her visit to the Mom from John Q because her kids keep showing up in the hospital emergency room – which is hilariously ironic seeing as her kid in John Q also spent all his time in the emergency room. By the way, the alternate ending where the kid dies on the operating table is absolutely fucking hilarious. Back to the fact it feels all of these people are playing the same characters they were when I last saw them in other films I wonder if that means Kerry Washington retains her gimmick of having sex with white people. Washington begins asking the kids questions about how they got hurt. The little girl says she “just fell down.” Saying this signals the father to wake from his slumber and enter the room.

That’s a fuckin’ Roid Rage Negro. He chases her out which means that they’re about to lose the kids for sure. As she gets chased our Mrs. Cosby stops her from leaving to inform her she knows for sure those kids get beaten by their father – well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I knew that just by looking at the guy; are you really fucking shocked here?

Damn she got old and ugly. Sorry. I couldn’t help but remind everyone again. Meanwhile Whoopi Goldberg is knocking on the Ho’s door demanding money for “THINGS.” She refuses to give money to Whoopi to waste on “that cult.”

The cast of The View does resemble a cult when you think about it. A Cult of Angry Yenta.

Holy shit. It’s Blackula! I bet she ate her 5 kids and Bill Cosby and that’s why they’re not here.

While we’re on the subject of ugly black women, am I the only one who notices Whoopi Goldberg has a face like a really, really black Koopa Troopa from Super Mario Bros.? Whoopi doesn’t get any money and begins banging on the door yelling “REPENT.” I’m repenting right now, I assure you, as I’m pretty sure that I did something wrong to get here.

Oh look – not everyone in this movie is a scumbag it would seem. She has a pretty smile and great tits, too. She’s even a nice enough person that she gave Whoopi Goldberg’s crazy beggar-ass a dollar. Oh, and the guy seems like he has class too… But in my universe men don’t exist. There is only Riv… and women who want to fuck me. Apparently, however they are just friends and have been talking and hanging for two weeks and he hasn’t gotten a real date with her. Finally she agrees to dinner at 8. The dance class is talking about losing their virginity and fucking and all that. Classy. The girl who started the virginity talk runs outside to vomit. That’s called a higher power cursing you with PREGNANCY. I like how nobody notices or figures out that its morning sickness. At least we know the welfare statistic has gone up in this movie by +1. Dancer Girl brings Vomiting Girl a “ginger ale.” Better have a side order of “morning after pill.”

OH SHIT IT’S THE COPS! Law and Order: Special Victims Unit these two are not. Wasn’t that bitch in Saw? Oh, who cares?

They arrest a black man for getting a blowjob in his car. Is Rick Santorum the president in this fictional universe? Did he already outlaw “getting your dick sucked?” I have heard of black men being arrested for stupid shit that nobody should be arrested for but this takes the cake.

Why the hell is Janet Jackson dressed like a Star Wars villain? She’s like the Dark Lord of Plastic Surgery. Maybe Jacksonation of the face is like “Sith Corruption.” That would explain why every member of the Jackson family looks more and more like ET the older they get. Apparently Janet’s character runs a fashion magazine and is mad the magazine looks like a “website” and doesn’t “pop.” Here’s some advice, bitch: close down the magazine and then open up a website... that “pops.” Face it, barely anyone reads magazines anymore. Get with the times. Apparently John Q’s wife is here and is late for work – this time she doesn’t have a “my kid is dying” excuse either. Janet’s patience is running out. Great, I just got fucking done watching the white version of Janet Jackson’s existence when I had to review The Devil Wears Prada. I assure you I want none of JanE.T. The Extra Terrestrial. She has an appointment with Adele from Grey’s Anatomy who also is working at a hospital. I swear to God if she says the name “Richard” I’m going to reach through the screen and choke this bitch to death myself. She wants money for her underprivileged clinic, and JanE.T. is not amused because JanE.T.’s charity of choice are to the makeup station and probably the the Catholic Church to buy some little boys for Michael. I gain a measure of respect for JanE.T. who says everyone in the community has the same opportunities and if they can’t become successful they pretty much can go fuck themselves. Thank you for that brutal honesty. It’s not unlike some of the things I’ve said in articles on this website in the past. She also kicks Adele from Grey’s Anatomy out of her office which is pretty fucking awesome because I would have done the same because her voice sounds like a pig being fucked in the ass with a dildoblender… not that I know what that sounds like or anything.

Come to think of it, she looks like a pig being fucked in the ass with a dildoblender. She throws a tantrum and snaps on JanE.T. and her office and her wasting people’s time and her attitude problem. I frankly couldn’t understand most of what she is saying because she sounds like an extra from Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Alert the presses…. She’s not dating a white (or orange & made of rocks) guy for once! They’re at the doctor, who also can’t believe Kerry Washington is dating a black man for once.

You just can’t fake a face like that. That face says “I can’t believe Kerry Washington is with a black man in a movie for once.” Apparently she also can’t have children. He also implies that an untreated STD might be the cause of her not being able to have kids. Man, Patrick Wilson not just tagged that shit in Lakeview Terrace but infected that shit. We don’t spread the STD on this website though so I’m moderately disgusted and this kills my boner for Kerry Washington at least for the intents and purposes of this film. Elsewhere Adele from Grey’s Anatomy meets the older black man that she’s been fucking around with but doesn’t want shit to do with him because he’s had no time for her, and she can smell that he’s been with HER. Ellis Grey strikes again! On a note of all seriousness I hate the fact that this movie has like 10 fucking bitches in it and jumps from bitch to bitch to bitch for 2 minutes each telling their pointless stories. That guy goes to lunch with the hoebag girl from earlier at this point and sexual innuendo begins. “Show you around” always means sex. Instead of showing some good old fashioned FUCKING we go back to the abused/abusive family.

What a wonderful, healthy, happy, and productive relationship. Afterwards he snaps about how he wants alcohol and she tells him not to take a drink and to take his meds – he doesn’t react well to her telling him what to do and yells at her IN ALL CAPS LIKE A STEINER RECLINER MOTHERFUCKER. Randomly Janet Jackson scowls and we’re now on the really hot chick with the “perfect black man in a suit” on their dinner date. This woman talks too much.

Would you like to see what is in Whoopi Goldberg’s box? I don’t, and I never want to. I bet it’s blacker than the darkest reaches of space in there. Apparently the girl who threw up at dance is her daughter and since Whoopi is all about telling everyone they are going to hell I wonder what she’s going to think when she finds out her daughter is pregnant. For that matter how can you consider this even cast well? The daughter is light skinned as fuck and Whoopi is darker than Darth Vader’s armor. Elsewhere date night goes well. Elsewhere else, the hoebag gets mistaken for a hooker. She gets angry and starts her “I’m not a hooker, I’m just a slut” defense.

I bet he feels like a dumbass knowing he offered $80.00 when he could have just fucked her for free. He laughs at her because this is some sick shit in his eyes and she sees it as a double standard that men are able to pick up women solely to fuck them and women can’t. I am living proof women can since I had an ex-girlfriend that can and DID constantly… sadly while we were dating. Fuck my life. He laughs himself out of the apartment and gets confronted by her sister, Preggo. Preggo needs to pay scholarship fees of $300 and then she gets a free ride through college…

Instead we get the creepy smile followed by “YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING!” I bet the $300 is for an abortion before Mama Whoopi finds out. You know you are an EPIC HO when you can look at someone’s face and know when they’ve been fucking. The Sluttacular Older Sister is awesome though. I won’t lie, I’d hit it too. She can smile at me like a creep either before or after just like that, I don’t care. We switch from here to Jan-E.T.’s house. Her husband is the guy that got caught getting his dick sucked by the cops. I would probably fuck other people if my wife was transforming into the Lizard Queen before my eyes, too. Apparently she wears the pants and he’s tired of it and tried to make a stand. Try having a dick first, dude.

Oh I get it, Kerry Washington’s husband is the cop that arrested Janet’s husband for getting his cock sucked by the hooker – this is very six-degrees-of-seperation-like but more boring and pointless… and black. Kerry tells us a story about sex during college that sounds more like a riddle the Riddler would leave in a Batman comic book. Her husband still loves her though. I’m fucking hungry and this movie is pointless. I think I’m going to have to put it back down. If I can get through at least half tonight, I will resume tomorrow because this shit is more like “For Insomnia Victims” than “For Colored Girls.”

Adele from Grey’s Anatomy is being pursued by “Not Richard” some more. He admits he went back and fucked some other girl – fail, fat boy, fail. She says that if she takes him back she is setting a bad example for all woman-kind. She’s already doing that by being a blimp with a horrible voice. He begins kissing her in apology and she loses her willpower while he eats her pussy. THIS is the SEX PAY-OFF I GET? This is painful. This killed my dick.

This… is the stuff of nightmares.

Elsewhere we find out Janet’s husband is a bisexual meaning he’s probably going to get arrested for being the one DOING the blowing next time. She’s happy when he says he will go to the opera with her and puts on her best Trollface.

When you start looking like Trollface.jpg in real life you need to stop aging or something. Here instead is Janet in her prime:

Wait… has she always looked THIS MUCH like Michael Jackson and I am just now noticing? Or is this more of a “once it is seen it cannot be unseen” sort of thing? Ouch. I feel like Michael Jackson and his love of little boys is haunting me through her eyes. I… I can’t do this.

But I WOULD do HER.

Hell, I’d probably do her too.

I would not do this creepy white homeless lady who looks like Slash. Preggo is apparently going through a slummy area, likely to try to get a homemade abortion, and that is exactly where she goes, to a nasty gypsy-like lady with more tools than your local chop-shop.

This girl is about to have her very own “Meathook Experience,” which is ridiculous, since Cactus Chris and I came up with easy ways to lose that baby proving that JasonRivera.com once again has all your needs covered. I hope that if she’s going to go this route that she at least eats the fetuses to keep her young like that one crazy, wacky Asian film, Dumplings which one day I will likely review on this site. The bootleg abortionist is an awesome lady – I mean she babbles incoherently and barely has any consonants in anything she says, is smoking a cigarette drinking vodka straight out the bottle and appears to be in her pajamas which I’m sure she wears all fucking day.

I am pretty sure she learned how to deliver abortions from an “Abortion For Dummies” book somewhere and has no real reputable skill whatsoever. I wonder how one decides to enter the “home abortionist” line of work. Abortionista tells us her life story and then smiles as she says “open your legs.”

I have a bad feeling she’s going to eat the baby straight out of this girl’s snatch. We switch scenes which I bet means she’s going to pussy out. Meanwhile dance teacher is about to eat dinner the nice black guy who wears a lot of suits. He checks out her ass as she bends over. I bet he’s going to become the Iron Chef of Pounding Vag tonight. He tries to kiss her and gets nothing. He takes off his suit and shirt while she’s simply trying to make dinner.

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I have a feeling it’s time. No, not dinner time, and definitely not tooltime.

RAPETIME HAS ARRIVED.

This is like, the ultimate swerve. It’s as if Tyler Perry decided to make a movie to say the ONE RESPECTABLE BLACK MAN who isn’t a drunk abusive husband, a cheater, or a down-low homosexual is a fucking rapist from the planet rape, who is a 9th degree black belt in rape-kwon-do.

While RAPE happens, JanE.T. and her faggot boyfriend watch the opera. The only thing that’s worse to a man than watching the opera is watching “Oprah.” Fortunately for us we get to switch back and forth between the Opera and rape. Does that make this an OpeRAPE?

The best part is since she started cooking dinner before she got raped at least now they’ll have something to eat to make up for all the energy lost while the raping took place. See? There’s always a bright side. …shit like that is probably why my optimism makes people angry. In the montage they showed the clock, and the rape only lasted a total of three minutes. Bro. Seriously? My guess is if you’re so bad at sex that you can only last three fucking minutes it makes sense you pretty much HAVE to rape to get any as no woman would conscientiously want to fuck you. I guess some people can only do 3 minutes of something that should last 20 at the very LEAST. It’s time for the next morning. Sadly this movie STILL has an hour left. Needs more random rape if you ask me; instead we get more Ugly Janet, and she takes her assistant home to get something at home where her crazy post-traumatic-stress disorder husband is waiting.

…that something she has come home to get is a black eye and a bloody nose while the kids are at the neighbor’s house and catch none of it. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

LOL I BEAT UR MOM LMFAO. This is like when a wrestler cheats and the referee didn’t see it. The guy says that he can be a GOOOOOOD R-Truth ...err... father. He says that beating her is “ok” because she gets “right back up.” I simply cannot stop fucking laughing. That’s gotta be the best excuse I have ever heard to be a scumbag. She says she cannot put her kids through this or officially marry him so he snaps and begins believing that his kids belong to “that man in the car.” Yes, if you’re keeping score he just called JanE.T. a man… I TOLD you she looks like Michael Jackson! Then again I guess the counterpoint is that Michael Jackson didn’t look so much like a man as much as he did an old Asian woman.

He basically snatches the kids and threatens to throw them out the window which is probably another reference to Michael Jackson and his infamous baby-dangling incident. I sit here rooting for him to succeed as the only thing that would amuse me more than the rape scene would be turning his kids into concrete meat in a pit of Chris-Benoit-Level roid rage.

Eww. Tell Conrad Murray he missed one.

With Adele from Grey’s Anatomy standing down at the bottom of the building maybe she can just catch them in her mouth sort of like Hungry Hungry Hippos. PTSD Guy drops his fucking kids! Fuck yes! FATALITY!!! I begin laughing as does an inconsiderate person in the theater where this bootleg copy was filmed. This might be the greatest thing ever. Sadly they do not show the kids dead or impaled on the fence that was below, but hey business just picked up. Perhaps I’ve been too hard on Tyler Perry. Are all his movies like this?

We see a hospital but instead of seeing that the kids survived, we get the AFTERMATH OF RAPE, where VICTIM (she is now VICTIM), is told that since there were no witnesses, since she let him in her home, and since it’s he said/she said it’s going to be difficult to press charges. The moral of this story is that the “buddy system” should be implemented even on dates… until it becomes gangrape. She goes into a monologue essentially saying ALL MEN ARE THE DEVIL. Well, FUCK YOU TOO BITCH! Oh wait, someone ALREADY DID! She even mentions something about “having two fists in her ass.” Wow, that guy is fucking hardcore. One fist in the ass is fucked up enough but TWO? Holy shit her ass hole is probably the size of Old Faithful by now.

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Oh shit, Whoopi Goldberg is still wandering around looking like some sort of High Holy Koopa Troopa. Apparently something went wrong at the E-Z-Bortion clinic in on the corner of “Ghetto” and “Crackhouse.” Whoopi GODBerg is too busy condemning her child for being pregnant to begin with. Whoopi leaves her child in the hospital probably because she committed a sin by getting pregnant and another one by aborting the baby. She talks about “blood and bones like ice cream cones” or something like that. I’m not sure if this is a traumatized woman or a Boogeyman promo.

I would like to at least get a blowjob from this woman one time. She realizes that the two dead children in the hospital are the ones she didn’t take away from the crazy man at the start of the movie. Meanwhile the violence continues.

Whoopa-Koopa attacks her other daughter, the crazy slutty one and claims the pregnancy is her fault. Why? Is she an incestuous hermaphrodite? Because if she has a dick that eliminates any desire I personally have to fuck her. Whoopi Goldberg calls her THE DARKNESS. Umm… have you looked in the mirror Whoopi? You’re the darkest bitch in this fucking film. She also manages to chase a man out of the apartment while continuing her creepy God talk. In a swerve, we find out that Whoopi made her first (slutty) daughter get EZBortion once too which leads to a fight and leads to Whoopi Goldberg getting bitch-slapped. Rape, Dead Kids, Violence on Whoopi Goldberg – man this Tyler Perry guy is making a pretty badass film for a megafaggot. Whoopi tells us essentially how she got told she was ugly and pimped out to white men because they told her not to have babies with “The Darkness.” This is absolutely amazing. Apparently the same motherfucker molested them both. All men are evil according to douche-movies. Now we hear a monologue about how she is a crackhead and the embodied wrath of women on men who fucks them and makes them miserable. Whoopi Goldberg calls her “The Devil” and for once I agree. This whole family is fucking crazy and should be gunned down.

In other news the Mom from The Cosby Show is still ugly. She kills any boner I may have had caused by chaos and violence by talking about sex like it’s the motherfuckin’ Yellow Brick Road or something in grotesque detail. I never want to think that this woman fucks, ever. She goes into a monologue about sex. This has too many monologues. What the fuck is this? A Morgan Freeman Credit Card Commercial? We go from all this to Adele from Grey’s Anatomy being a fat ass and wanting to fuck NOT-Richard. NOT-Richard, as usual is unreliable. Unfortunately for us he shows up and got her Chinese food and is happy to see her. Well, this sucks. I want some misery and misfortune in this film like it’s been doing for the past 25 minutes. We switch to JanE.T. which only brings ME misery and sadness. Her down-lo Faggot Husband shows up and consoles her when she freaks out about how she turned a blind eye to her assistant being abused for the past eight years and now her kids are dead. I wish we could have at least heard a splat or heard the sound of Silly Putty getting flattened or something, and yes, I know I am a sick person.

ALIEN!

Meanwhile elsewhere Whoopi Goldberg is with The Abortion Daughter and begins to attempt to perform an exorcism against her will with force which leads to THIS daughter slapping the shit out of her. You girls are doing it wrong. You’re supposed to jump on Whoopi’s back and then kick her forward hoping she either goes off a cliff, off screen, or knocks out several other Whoopi Goldbergs along the way. I guess they’re lucky. She could be a Whoopi ParaGoldberg and the last thing we need is a Whoopi that is capable of flight. Daughter runs to Victim’s house who isn’t answering the door. Meanwhile Kerry Washington goes to where the babies were thrown out the window.

FUCKING. AWESOME. I wanted a splat, and splat has been delivered. The Mom-No-Longer tries to scrub the blood off the concrete but it’s not coming out of the street. They run into Daughter who is still walking around covered in candle wax or whatever the fuck her Whoopi tried to use on her. She interrupts her older sister’s next fuck-fest. The scumbag of the minute asks if he can fuck them both and when she responds saying her sister s only 16 his response is “AND?” This prevents the sexy time. It’s probably not a good idea to attempt a manage-a-pedophile with some slut’s sister. Another monologue is incoming as the sister’s try to reconcile. The slut explains all she has is the intimacy for closeness in this world. After this another dance scene takes place with another monologue. The Former Mom apparently overdoses during this montage. That’s not a bad idea. If they give me one more stupid monologue I may have to take pills until I die too – meanwhile the cops talk to Rape Victim to explain to her that her rapist got caught in the act and stabbed to death. He is now dead. She slaps the dead body’s face as if he can feel the slap on whatever level of hell he resides in.

I really wanna stick it in her. Just once. Meanwhile NOT-Richard decided to be sneaky and move out and take all of Adele from Grey’s Anatomy’s shit with her. We get a monologue about her shit getting stolen. She wants NOT-Richard to give her back her shit. Who cares? She’s talking to her “women’s support group” while we see a montage about how shitty everyone’s life is – and there is a celebration at the community center.

More importantly that’s a pretty nice ass. I would. She could kick me out afterward too. I don’t give a fuck. NOT-Richard tries to apologize to Fat Bitch again, but she’s finally had enough. We get ANOTHER MONOLOGUE. Please shut your Pillsbury Dough Mouth! She somehow makes this about race… umm…all the men in this movie are black too.

Just reminding you she’s ugly and old. Again. If I have to suffer so do you. Elsewhere, JanE.T. tells her husband she’s sick and she could only have gotten it from him. He explains he hasn’t slept with another woman since they got married (because he’s a superfaggot), and she turns around and says what about men?

She then Morphs into Michael Jackson. Fuck this. Janet’s the stuff of nightmares now. She’s like Black-White-Black-White-Something-Freddy Krueger. He gets offended. He shouldn’t be. She can just whip out Michael Jackson’s dick and wear it as a strap-on. I bet she has it preserved somewhere. They begin to argue about whether he gets fucked or does the fucking. He says that he’s not gay as long as he doesn’t hold the other man’s hand, go on dates with him or any of that. Wow. Just wow. Words cannot express the lack of fucking logic there.

He begins to cry. Mainly because he is a faggot.

This is how my bootleg copy of the movie ends. Not even with a real ending, so I’m going to make something up and say that the guy who killed the two kids broke out of jail and murdered all of them while having flashbacks of ‘nam even though he actually wasn’t in ‘nam and nobody cared. I find you will find that better than any way this movie could have ended. If this movie is “for colored girls,” I really feel sorry for colored girls right now and for myself for wasting so much time with this film. Actually I can’t complain too much. There was rape and death, and Kerry Washington’s dick sucking lips. I guess that makes up for the rest. I wish all movies had at least two of those three things.

I should have listened to the black man. I really should have... for once.

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