Wrestling Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv, February 9, 2015

Time for that RAW recapping thing I do.  Once NCIS ends.

Somebody died.  Cool.  Sometimes I randomly catch myself wondering if Abby from NCIS does anal sex.  Last week the face of Wrestlemania was changed when Daniel Bryan was inserted due to public fan opinion.  WWE brass cares more than I do.  I’d have kept my Reigns-Lesnar plans and not given a shit to show the people “you can’t always get what you want.”  Currently the idea is somehow Bryan and Reigns won’t get resolved at Fast Lane and the main event of Wrestlemania will be a Triple Threat for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship anyway.  I hope Reigns wins on principle.

RAW opens with Reigns’ theme and a chorus of boos because the crowd does not like him.  I like him – as long as he doesn’t cut shitty The Rock-style promos, which as of late they have decided to keep him away from.  I notice he’s wearing Shield colors more often and not wearing those fruity Mortal Kombat ninja-colored tactical vests he has been wearing since going solo.  Thankfully.  Those things look retarded.  Tactical gear should not come in different colors.  Reigns is on the microphone and he says that he earned his spot.   He basically says that nobody is going to get in his way of going to the main event, even if the Authority doesn’t like him. 

Daniel Bryan decides to interrupt this interview.

Meanwhile Reigns does not look happy to see him.  Reigns looks at Daniel Bryan like Bryan just walked in on Reigns about to have sex and cockblocked the shit out of him.  Daniel Bryan is out here to thank Reigns for preventing the interference of Seth Rollins’ cronies last week because if he hadn’t, Bryan might not be fighting Reigns at Fast Lane for the right to go to Wrestlemania. 

HHH doesn’t care about any of this and comes out with his wife, and the two big retards in tow and demands Sting answer him by the end of the night.  Stephanie goes on to lecture Reigns and Daniel Bryan and says that Reigns attacked Big Show last week for no reason and that Daniel Bryan is sick for forcing Kane into a casket two weeks ago.  Daniel Bryan says that he thought HHH of all people would appreciate it after the things he’s done in caskets (the necrophilia angle with Katie Vick).  Stephanie makes a tag team match right this minute where Reigns and Bryan will take on Kane and the Big Show.

I have to shit.  You know, because Big Show.  Also a more interesting story developed on social media while this match went on when Seth Rollins (or someone on his account) tweeted a nude photo of Zahra Schrieber, an NXT developmental talent who it is rumored Rollins may have been having sex with.  They also posted the photo on his Facebook page. 

Wow, and people thought the situation on Asked a few weeks ago where Canadian Lindsey discussed his attempts at cheating were bad!  This is just proof we really WEREN’T full of shit.  I bet you wish you believed us now.

Much more interesting than the Big Show doing anything.

Much more interesting than the Big Show doing anything.

This is what happens when you’re caught with the hand in the cookie jar.  Oh, and a decent set of tits.  I’m not fond of the fact she looks like She-Graves, but nice tits nonetheless.

Justin also took a moment to chime in with these words of wisdom regarding the show which I'm at the point of ignoring:

With the "what is Daniel Bryan doing at WrestleMania" news changing weekly, I hope next week it’s reported that he'll be on the pre-show in an epic feud with Jey Uso.

While I eat pizza for dinner and wait for this abomination of a match to end (and hopefully with it Big Show and Kane’s careers as in-ring competitors) Big Show gets himself disqualified and begins beating Reigns with a steel chair.  Big Show takes a thousand years to capitalize which causes Reigns to Superman Punch him then beat him repeatedly with the chair Big Show initially used on Reigns.  Kane is back up and tries to chokeslam Reigns – Reigns escapes and Daniel Bryan rushes Kane with a dropkick – Kane sidesteps and Reigns is struck down by Daniel Bryan – and Reigns knows damn well what happened so he’s not happy.  Reigns gets back to his feet and shoves Daniel Bryan across the ring. 

The two begin to argue while HHH makes fun of them in the aisleway.  HHH decides they can have this match AGAIN at the end of the night, and that joining Kane and Big Show will be J & J Security and Seth Rollins.  Rollins comes out here like he didn’t just get hacked to death on every social network ever to fight Ryback.  This feels pointless as Ryback seems to have no direction or purpose whatsoever along the road to Wrestlemania and is just there.  Shouldn’t we be working him into some kind of program?  It feels like he’s just Rollins-fodder.

Ryback is jumped by Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury and the match ends in DQ.  Two matches back to back just ended in DQ.  Is this TNA?

No. No thank you.  Didn’t the Authority JUST do a John Cena appreciation segment like a month ago? 

We come back to a video reminding us Sheamus exists and he is coming back.  Thanks for the bad news? 

Even worse we get to hear Brie’s singles theme as Nikki comes to the ring with her for her match with Paige tonight.  I thought the God-awful BRIE MODE theme was dead.  We’re reminded the Bella Twins hate Paige because she is pale and British.  I would put some tan in Paige too.  Coincidentally my dick is tan.   Despite the fact I enjoy both the Bellas (as heels) and Paige, the crowd is completely dead for this match.  Paige shoves Brie into Nikki on the apron and drops Brie with the Rampaige for the win. 

Nobody cares about what Lana says because ROLLINSDICK.JPG is a thing thanks to all this hacking.  Here are the censored versions, the UNCENSORED versions are posted in the NOT SAFE FOR WORK section of the forums and you’ll have to go there to see them.  CLICK HERE. 

This Rollins scandal is so big nobody even cares about Cena cutting the same promo he always cuts against heels against Rusev or Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt for the second week in a row.

Bray Wyatt wins.  The real winner is that the scandal is still going on and providing me all sorts of Asked material for the week.  I want to remind you guys of the time Landin said he really wanted to nail Leighla Schutlz, Rollins’ girlfriend:

I unfollowed the guy on Twitter, because even his tweets are boring. Seth Rollins' girlfriend, however, is pretty hot, and I'm now following her instead. I'd hit it then do that stupid dance he does afterward. I'd hit it while listening to the stupid hipster music that her and her boyfriend like. I'd hit it so hard my hair would turn half blonde. I'd hit it so hard, her Elvira look would leave, and she'd turn into the tan Audrey Marie type that I normally obsess over. I'd hit it so hard, Jimmy Jacobs would feel it in his bunghole. I'd hit it so hard... Ok you get the point.

WWE honors Junkyard Dog for Black History Month.  Okay, cool, whatever.  I take this moment to photoshop TitusDick as an entrant for Black History Month and post it on Twitter. 

Meanwhile Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are in the ring because if there’s one thing we can pay attention to other than the WWE Edition of the Fappening going on right now, it’s Heyman with a microphone.  Heyman talks about how Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns can’t take the championship away from the Beast. 

Happy Black History Month, Goldust and Stardust are going to job to the Power Cosmic Black History Martin Luther King Omega Force known as New Day.  Stardust leaves Goldust to die because he has a black wife and therefore he must side with his niggaz.  NEW DAY!!!

Rollins and Bryan are interviewed about whether or not they can be a team tonight.  Reigns says they have a common enemy and will work together and get it done just fine, even though Bryan has doubts. 

Backstage Goldust is told THERE IS NO CODY ONLY STARDUST as Cody shoves him and again demands he never calls him Cody again.  HHH is in the center of the rings.  He should talk about Seth’s nudes too.  It’s obviously the work of the VIGILANTE Sting.  Sting showed up for 2 seconds and since he wears paint it really could have been ANYONE painted up to be Sting because he disappeared into the darkness again as he accepted HHH’s offer to show down at Fast Lane.

I want to eat Naomi’s ass.  That is all.  I really don’t care what the Usos are doing right now and forgot they are the tag team champions. Kidd and Cesaro didn’t even get an entrance on TV.  That’s not fair.  Cesaro and Kidd manage to pull out the win after a long and well played match regardless.  Cesaro’s shitty music now plays.  It’s a theme that’s so bad that it amuses me.

Speaking of the Usos, their father, Rikishi is being inducted into the Hall of Fame.  Interesting how they’re only going to go with his career as Rikishi – as he had been in the WWE for a long time and given some rough gimmicks.  A lot of people feel Rikishi is a strange entrant, meanwhile I think he’s earned it as he was a company man for so many years and endured so much crap before getting his break as just being “Rikishi,” which he was very entertaining for his time.

Sin Cara is out here to do nothing.  Probably to wrestle Miz or Mizdow or something.  Mizdow is being interrupted constantly during his match with Sin Cara to fetch the Miz water and open it for him – so basically he has to wrestle WHILE being a bitch.  Miz snaps when Mizdow tries to use the Figure 4 and tells him he’s not allowed to use it, allowing Sin Cara to roll Mizdow up.  Mizdow is furious about being made into a bitch.

Bray cuts another promo talking to nobody in particular about how there IS NO DEVIL and that this world IS “our hell.”  Who will his opponent be?  I really hope it’s not the Undertaker because Undertaker looked rough with Brock last year and would look worse with Bray this year.  Bray says he doesn’t fear “him” anymore and pities him and that it is time for him to “go home” and FIND Bray.  Curtis Axel vs. Dean Ambrose is next – Ambrose squashes Axel who is still angry about the Royal Rumble and after the match Ambrose again says he wants an IC title match because it belongs to him with Bad News Barrett.

Barrett is in the BAD NEWS ZONE, BNZ, and once again denies Ambrose anything.  What a DICK.  Oh… oops.  I’m sorry – this RollinsDick shit is hilarious.  We also find out that it is confirmed his now ex-fiancé found this shit on his phone through her Facebook page.

 

Shit just got real, yo.   Also the memes coming from this are fucking hilarious.

I seriously can’t pay attention to RAW because I’m too busy laughing at the photoshop above.  Thanks, Leon.

Here comes Rollins with his squad to fight Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns. This is a 5 on 2 match if you’re keeping count. It’s more like 4 on 2 if you count J&J as one entity due to their height. For some reason Ryback, Rowan and Ziggler – team “lost in the shuffle” is coming to help Bryan and Reigns and stop them from getting destroyed by the Authority.  I’m not really sure where this is going.  I feel like without Bryan in the match with Ziggler that was rumored, I have no clue what he is doing.  Ryback is a man without a country and Rowan is an even worse spot than Ryback.  They’re purposeless super-friends.  Also what about Randy Orton, who was supposed to come back and feud with Rollins?  Reigns tags himself in and finishes off Joey Mercury with a spear even though Bryan was sizing Mercury up for his running knee.

Bryan is pissed off Reigns is being a glory hog, but a win is a win, isn’t it?  After the match Bryan and Reigns have an argument and Daniel Bryan claims Reigns was on the floor the entire match (not unlike the Royal Rumble that Reigns won).  Reigns turns to leave and Bryan says he did all the work and shoves Reigns who counters with a spear to Daniel Bryan and a resounding chorus of boos from the audience. 

I actually enjoy this.  The crowd will hate Reigns for speaking Bryan but I find it amusing.  Backstage Stephanie and HHH are satisfied with what has transpired to close out the show.  The show closes and now I can read Twitter drama uninterrupted – plus I have to download Better Call Saul which I missed by watching this show.

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