Hey everyone, I’m Suit Williams. If you don’t remember me, I used to be one of the poor unfortunate souls that reviewed TNA Impact back during the JasonRivera.com days. I wanted to do more writing for Listen to This Show, so I decided to use the WWE Network to help me. I came across this website that gives you a random PPV that is available on the Network (you can find it at randomppv.info). So, every few weeks, I will be going to the randomizer and reviewing whatever comes up. Let’s hope this goes well.
The first pay-per-view I will be watching is…:
I’ve never seen this PPV, so here’s nothing.
We start with a promo for tonight’s main event, that hot young babyface Randy Orton defending the World Heavyweight Championship against Triple H. This match could literally have happened in 5 different years. It’s September 12, 2004, we are live from Portland, Oregon, and Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are the commentators for the night. I will be doing running commentary as the show goes on, so let’s get this going.
Match Number One: William Regal and Krispen Wah vs. Ric Flair and Batista
-Evolution may have my favorite music in WWE history.
-This was during the whole Eugene and Regal experiment. It helped to get both guys somewhat over, so I guess it worked.
-SO MANY CHOPS. It’s like the meat section of a supermarket.
-Batista seems a step behind everyone else. He’s working with 3 of the best in-ring technicians in the company, so I’ll give him a pass.
-The commentary isn’t making me want to put a pen through my ears, so that’s a plus.
-Ric Flair doing a forward roll makes me worry about him blowing out his hip or something. But I can say that about most anything Flair does.
-Benoit hits the flying headbutt, and I think he forgot his wife’s name with that one.
-Schmoz on the outside, Flair goes for the Figure 4, but Benoit reverses, and that’s all she wrote.
Winners: Benoit and Regal when Flair tapped out to the Crossface. - It got Benoit a win after losing the World Title last month, and got the crowd hot. Did what it needed to do.
-Backstage, Christian and Trish Stratus argue over who Tomko will bodyguard for tonight. Christian implies that Trish likes guys to *ahem* come through the back door. Trish whispers something into Tomko’s ear, and Tomko decides to help her. Poor Christian. Not even the guy who is paid to be his friend wants to be his friend.
Match Number Two: WWE Women’s Championship: Victoria vs. Trish Stratus (Champion) w/ Tyson Tomko
-This is when Victoria had that awful Nicki Minaj song. Also, this show is 10 years old, and she also looks pretty much the same. That is a good thing.
-Trish always had nice gear.
-King: “Let me say this for the record. Trish is not a slut.” JR: “Well, I’m glad we cleared that up.”
-Gorilla press into a SICK gutbuster by Victoria.
-Two matches, two spinebusters. Damnit, D’Lo. That’s an OSW Review reference, if you didn’t know.
-Tilt-a-whirl slam from Victoria gets a two. Love that move. She also does the standing moonsault where she shakes her ass before hand for a two. Love that move.
-Victoria stupidly dives on Tomko, who no sells it and chases her back into the ring. I guess that counts as a distraction.
Winner: Trish Stratus after hitting Victoria with the Stratusfaction. - Good match with a stupid ending, considering that Tomko hadn’t really done anything to deserve Victoria’s attention. Better than most Divas matches in 2015, but this had more time than a 2015 divas match.
-After the match, a “mystery woman” hits Tomko with a DDT. The crowd is chanting Stevie, and I’m scared already.
-I have good reason to be, as Tomko grabs a mic. He says he’s gonna solve the mystery now. He wants the “cross-dressing hermaphrodite” to fight him. Oh god.
“Match” Number Three: Tyson Tomko vs. Stevie Richards in drag
-I wish I was kidding.
-Stevie is wearing women’s underwear and a stuffed bra. Vince is pissing himself backstage right now.
-This match has gone on for two minutes, and it’s already 1:30 too long.
-Seriously, take it home guys.
-Tomko is putting on a chinlock. HE’S PUTTING A RESTHOLD ON A GUY WEARING A BRA. SERIOUSLY, TAKE IT HOME.
-Stevie grabs Tomko’s dick while the ref is distracted by the wig. TAKE. IT. HOME.
Winner: Tomko after hitting a tilt-a-whirl neckbreaker on Stevie. - This was obviously a rib on Stevie. It was also a rib on the people paying for this PPV, but no one was thinking of it that way.
-Let’s get to the good stuff.
Match Number Four: Ladder Match for the vacant WWE Intercontinental Championship: Christian vs. Chris Jericho
-Edge had to vacate the title because he was hurt (shocker), Christian had just come back from injury (shocker), and Jericho didn’t have anything to do. So, WWE decided to restart this feud to make this match.
-This match is gonna be mostly spots, so I’ll try and do as many as I can.
-JR is desperately trying to get the CLB (Creepy Little Bastard) thing going for Christian. The fans actually chant it for a second.
-Never saw that before. Jericho stands on the turnbuckle, and rides a ladder down onto Christian’s back.
-Christian goes up the ladder, but Jericho gives him the middle fingers to bring him down. I hate that spot in a ladder match. Who cares if he flipped you off, win the damn match.
-Jericho tries to hit a Lionsault on Christian, who is sandwiched in the ladder, but Christian moves and Jericho eats nothing but ladder.
-Christian climbs, Jericho pulls the ladder from under him, and throws it at a hanging Christian.
-Jericho gets Christian in the Walls of Jericho on top of the ladder. Jericho tries to grab the title, but Christian just knocks the ladder from under him.
-That Wile E. Coyote camera is the best.
-Okay, this match is really good. Just watch it.
-And as soon as I say that, it just ends.
Winner: Chris Jericho after he pulls down the title. - The five minutes given to Stevie and Tomko could have been used better here, but still a pretty good ladder match.
-Oh Lord, Todd Grisham. He wants to get a word with Kane before his match with Shawn Michaels tonight. Lita comes out of Kane’s locker room. She hopes that Shawn beats Kane tonight. She hopes that Shawn crushes Kane’s throat tonight. I wish she would stop talking tonight. Kane scares Lita from behind, and tells Todd that the match is now No DQ.
-Oh Lord, Jonathan Coachman. He interviews Chris Jericho on winning the title. Edge comes up and says he’s gonna get his title back.
-We recap the absolutely fucked up storyline between Lita and Kane. In case you don’t remember, Kane wanted a demon offspring, and thought Lita would be a good lay. He threatened to break Matt Hardy’s neck unless Lita would bang him, she let him. She got pregnant with Kane’s baby, leading to Matt Hardy vs. Kane in a Wedding Ring on a Pole match at SummerSlam. Ok, that last part wasn’t real, but Kane did beat Matt Hardy at Summerslam to win Lita’s hand in marriage. Lita then signed Kane up for a match with Shawn Michaels, whose neck he broke a while ago for assumedly wanting to sleep with Shawn’s wife. The storyline ended a few months later when Snitsky caused Lita to have a miscarriage.
Match Number Five: No Disqualification Match: Kane w/ Lita and her demon baby vs. Shawn Michaels
-I know he’s happy now, and he’s done everything there was to do, but damn I miss Shawn Michaels.
-Lita is badmouthing Kane, and at this point, I’m wondering why Kane brought her out.
-Just as I say that, Kane throws Lita in Shawn’s way and uppercuts him.
-That may have been the weakest table bump I’ve ever seen. Kane might as well have put Shawn down for a nap.
-Seeing Kane at what is arguably his peak here, it just makes it sadder seeing him lump around in dress slacks nowadays.
-Kane being in control, however, will always be boring.
-When did Shawn start bleeding?
-Kane goes to grab a chair, but Lita pulls it away. Shawn goes for Sweet Chin Music, but Kane reverses. Chokeslam no, Superkick out of nowhere! That will be all.
Winner: Shawn Michaels after hitting Sweet Chin Music on Kane. - A devout Christian beating a demon. Is this symbolic? It’s as good a Kane match as you will ever see, but it’s as bad a Shawn Michaels match as you will ever see.
-A Shelton Benjamin video package? The hell is this? Apparently, “Mr. Benjamin” is coming back soon. Every time I see Shelton Benjamin, I just shake my head and say, “They gave him a momma.”
-Triple H interview. Todd Grisham asks him if he thinks Randy Orton will beat him. I really wanted Hunter to just say, “Yeah, he’ll probably beat me. He’s great!” Instead, he says that Orton was nothing before he brought him into Evolution, and he will be nothing without him.
Match Number Six: World Tag Team Championship: Tajiri and Rhyno vs. La Resistance (Robert Conway and Sylvan Grenier) (Champions)
-This was La Resistance - Canadian version. I love when wrestling tries to make people think Canadians hate Americans. I don’t think Canadians are capable of hate.
-Note: One of the men defending the honor of the US is Tajiri.
-Man, if only Rhyno never broke his neck in ECW, he probably still wouldn’t be a top guy.
-GORE! GORE! GORE!
-Well, that’s over.
Winners: La Resistance after Grenier hits Rhyno with the Quebec flag. - I was proofreading this article, and this match had no notes by it. That should sum it up for you.
-Promo for the main event. Triple H doing the thumbs down to Orton will always be awesome.
-Nice to see WWE shell out the money for the Saliva song to stay in the promo.
Match Number Seven: World Heavyweight Championship: Triple H vs. Randy Orton (Champion)
-Orton gets a small pop from the crowd. I really think they pulled the trigger on Orton/Triple H too soon. If they let Orton be a heel champ for a little while, I think they could have gotten mileage out of Orton as a good guy.
-That being said, nothing about Randy Orton said “likeable guy.” He has said it himself, Orton is much better suited as a heel.
-There goes Good Guy Orton, spitting on Triple H.
-This match is pretty simple, Triple H is working on Orton’s knees.
-Let me say this, Earl Hebner is the WORST referee of all time. He is an idiot. Triple H has Orton in a Figure 4, and Hebner leans over Orton just so he doesn’t see Triple H cheating.
-Triple H just started bleeding.
-This match is very old school. Lots of submissions and reversals.
-Hebner gets bumped, Orton hits an RKO. No ref. I’m telling you, Hebner sucks.
-Flair and Batista come down to help Hunter, but Orton avoids them. Lawler says they were coming down to be volunteer refs, and I laugh so hard I have to pause the show.
-Coachman comes down with a ref shirt, and tries to count 3, but Orton kicks out.
-Spinebuster from Batista, but Orton still won’t stay down for 3.
-Really cool sequence where Orton reverses a Pedigree, and hits Coach with an RKO in stride.
-Orton takes out Flair and Batista, but Triple H destroys him with a chair.
-Pedigree on the chair. TO THE MIDCARD WITH YOU!
Winner: Triple H wins the World Heavyweight Title, after hitting Orton with a Pedigree on a steel chair. - Very good main event. Orton looked like a fighter, until the odds just overwhelmed him.
-Mad Jim Ross is awesome to listen to. “Destiny my Oklahoma ass!”
-Flair and Batista help Triple H to the back, and Randy Orton is sad is we fade to black.
This was a fine show. The ladder match and the main event are good, but other than that, there is nothing to really go out of your way for on this show. And I will never support a PPV where there is a five minute squash match, and one of the participants was in drag. SUIT DOES NOT RECOMMEND.
I hope to crank more of these out for ListenToThisShow.com, as I really enjoy contributing to the website. Follow me on Twitter, @SuitWilliams. And I’ll see you next time.