Ugh. I am not ready. Truth be told, I am tired of WWE and wrestling in general – it’s not even the Roman Reigns outcome of last night’s Fast Lane match, because I actually LIKE Reigns and have no problem with him – it’s the opposite actually. It’s all the whiny little crybabies all over the place that get mad the immediate second they don’t go their way. “IT’S NOT FAIR!” Life’s not fair, faggots, get over it. If you hate WWE so much it ruins your day you might have mental problems. Anyway, let’s get this RAW recap over with, shall we?
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I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD THEY COUNSEL ME THEY UNDERSTAND – THEY TALK TO ME…
The crowd is glad Randy Orton is back, which is a huge contrast from when he left and everyone was sick of him for being “boring as fuck.” Orton came back to challenge the authority because the last time we saw him, Seth Rollins put him through cinderblocks. This will be a great feud. The winner gets Zahra Schrieber’s cunt in their face.
Orton says he’s not going to come out here and give them a 20 minute promo or monologue – a reference to all the boring Authority promos that usually kick off RAW. He tells us he’s been out of action for four months thanks to Seth Rollins. Orton should reveal he fucked Leighla Schultz RIGHT. WHERE HER PUSSY. USED TO BE. Yes, like he fucked Rollins’ (ex) fiancé into non-existence. Orton says he’s just getting started and that even though Rollins escaped last night, that was just a stay of execution and he’s going to get him. The Viper demands Rollins come to the ring right now but he’s cut off by HHH.
The Men’s Wearhouse arrives: HHH, Big Show, Kane, and Stephanie. They look more like they’re ready to sell Randy Orton a car than to fight. At least this means HHH left his Mom Jeans at home tonight (although they were in full force last night at Fast Lane). Stephanie McMahon says she still wants Orton to be the FACE of the WWE and Orton says he’s not part of this family, not part of the Authority and he will not make peace with Seth Rollins – he will bash his face in. Stephanie McMahon says that Randy Orton can “co-exist” and that Orton is the one who left them with no choice. Stephanie says the Authority will forgive him if he just goes back to being their bitch. Big Show tries to tell Randy Orton that joining the Authority is the best decision he’s ever made and Randy Orton needs to come back. Show should just threaten to show Orton Knucklehead on DVD if he refuses. Because nobody wants to endure that shit again. Stephanie begins to lose her composure and mentions the horrible things Orton has done in the past to her father, husband, and to her. She says she can’t show the footage (because they’re a family company now). He is invited to a “business meeting” in the back to work this out and he tells the Authority he will be there.
I hope this image hurts your feelings.
Bad News Barrett is out here on the way to the ring and he’s pissed off because even though he beat Dean Ambrose via disqualification to retain his championship, after the match Ambrose stole the Intercontinental Title Belt. Barrett wants his belt back. Also… will Ambrose ever win at a Pay-Per-View? I feel like that guy is on a massive losing streak. Barrett cuts a promo about Ambrose being a thief before having his 276,000th match with Dolph Ziggler.
Ziggler is here to show the world: The Midcard. Also R-Truth is on commentary because thanks to Ambrose he beat Wade Barrett last week. Booker T and R-Truth need their own commentary table, the Ebonics Announce Table right next to the Spanish Announce table and the short-lived German announce table. I can’t understand a word R-Truth is saying but I assume he wants a title match because he beat Barrett clean. I forget there’s even a match because the bad commentary is all over the place.
Barrett loses to Ziggler, who now also has a legitimate gripe as Dean Ambrose comes out here and mocks him. I guess this means a Fatal Four Way for the IC Title will happen at Wrestlemania. Ambrose stares at Ziggler and bumps him as he walks past him and leaves the ring.
After a bunch of Sting-HHH talk, Seth Rollins and Randy Orton are in the office and Stephanie McMahon is interrupted while speaking then takes the moment to yell at Seth Rollins and accuse his disrespect as being because she’s a woman. Kane tries to suggest to Stephanie takes a direct approach but she’s not happy about Kane interrupting either. Stephanie says united they could be absolute power and Seth says that they cannot trust Randy Orton.
Orton shakes Rollins’ hand while looking dead into his eyes. Stephanie puts Orton and Rollins against Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns. This can only end in Orton RKOing Seth Rollins.
The Prime Time Players are back. Heath Slater is in a ditch somewhere crying. Darren Young and Titus O’Neil are taking on the Ascension tonight, who attempted to commit a hate crime on Young and were stopped by his former and once-again partner, Titus. The Ascension lose to the Prime Time Players which is their first loss. They snap after the match and continue their gay-bashing ways. They hit the “Fall of Man” on Darren Young. He would perform the Fall of Man on his own if only the Ascension asked him to get on his knees. I don’t care if that joke upsets you. Call GLAAD.
Roman Reigns, the most important person ever born is here. Roman Reigns cuts a 5 star promo about his journey. He is about to talk about the non-believers, the horrible heretics that speak blasphemy against our Lord and Savior when he is interrupted by a barnyard animal.
This barnyard animal talks about the doubters. He then shows sportsmanship to Reigns… but before he can leave, Paul Heyman arrives to talk about BROCK LESNAR. Paul Heyman trolls the crowd and says Roman Reigns could beat Stone Cold, The Rock, HHH, and John Cena in any of their eras. However this does not apply to BROCK LESNAR.
Reigns makes Heyman get in the ring and asks him to stand right there and tell him that he can’t. I’m surprised this didn’t end with Heyman getting punched.
The Usos do a 57 minute wardance before invoking their rematch clause against Tyson Kidd and Cesaro who defeated the Usos yesterday to become the new Tag Team Champions.
This is such a random team, like when you fight Wizard and Scorcher in Ultimate Alliance 2. But goddamn that’s some awful music Cesaro has. No wonder Kidd wears headphones when they come out here. Natalya and Naomi get into it, and Natalya turns officially heel by beating up Naomi AND forcefully getting the Kidd and Cesaro disqualified before the Usos can win the match. Natalya hurts her ankle on the way down and the Usos win… via disqualification and cannot win back their titles. Heel Nattie is best Nattie.
Backstage KIFFLOM, BROTHER-UNCLES, Miz and Mizdow are in the back with the usual antics of Miz treating Damien Sandow like a retard. Miz says he’s going to win the Andre The Giant Memorial Jobber Battle Royal this year. Damien Sandow informs Miz that he is out of Miz’s shadow and that Hollywood now sees Damien Sandow as a leading man thanks to his work with the Miz. He thanks Miz who is offended that Mizdow is surpassing him. Miz makes Sandow roll the lint of Miz’s outfit.
Bray Wyatt wants to fight Undertaker. Yeah, whatever. Am I the only one that doesn’t care? The death of the streak just… ruined the magic of Undertaker forever. Now he’s just a sad old man who bangs Michelle McCool. I have no fucks to give.
Stardust is out here after he lost to Goldust and promptly murdered him after the match to set up Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust at Wrestlemania. The story here is Cody Rhodes is absorbed into Stardust in some “there is no Dana only Zuul” shit. Stardust will be taking on Jack Swagger one on one. Cody told his father Dusty is dead to him and all that as well, so the Real American is angry at Cody mistreating the American Drem. Also there’s no Zeb Colter out here which is tragic. Mid-match, Goldust makes his way to the ringside area, which allows Swagger to reverse into the Patriot Lock causing Stardust to tap out.
Goldust officially blocks Stardust on Twitter. That should become a thing.
John Cena lost to Rusev last night. Yawn. Okay. Going to play World of Warcraft now.
VLADIMIR PUUUUTTTINN!!!! That’s the best part of any Rusev/Lana promo. I wish John Cena was wrestling Putin at Wrestlemania instead of a rematch with The Grimace. Rusev refuses the rematch. It will happen anyway.
The Bellas take on Paige and Emma in a “Meh, its Divas” match. Emma is flattened in like 4 seconds, and the Bella mock Paige and Emma for being losers. That’s about how long I’d last in bed with any of them due to how long it’s been since I got laid and their level of hotness. We come back from commercials while I cry about my unused penis and wonder if I should try to trade it into Gamestop. Bushwhackers are going into the Hall of Fame.
Curtis Axel is still a thing. Curtis Axel continues complaining about how he was never eliminated in the Royal Rumble and he’s been in the Royal Rumble for 29 days. He continues to count time. YOU CANNOT STOP AXELMANIA. Ryback comes out here no-selling the fact that Rybaxel was ever a thing. The commentators have not and reminisce about “Rybaxel” and JBL says he’s the only one who liked that team anyway.
Ryback snatches the microphone from his former partner and tells Curtis Axel to shut his mouth. Ryback says Rybaxel was one of the greatest tag teams of all time (like 3 people cheer). Ryback says he will be in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal too and he will be the last man standing. Ryback says he’s going to take the “Axe Man” to “Smashville” (a reference to Demolition).
After Ryback kills Curtis Axel we get our main event and the predictable dissention with Rollins/Orton while Reigns/Bryan continue to become the Super Best Friends because WWE hopes the crowd will decide Bryan’s blessing will put Reigns over as a face. After the match Randy Orton is beside himself that Rollins’ ego cost them the match with his constant tagging in. Orton gets in the ring and sets Rollins up for the dreaded PUNT. J&J Security tries to stop him and Noble gets hit with an RKO. Orton props Rollins up and walks away while Rollins appears shocked. Looks like this is going to simmer for a while.
We close with Rollins’ hair looking exceptionally gay while he and Big Show and Kane stare at Orton like he’s an outer space alien or something. Can I end this and watch more Arrow now?