From The Archives: Douchefilm Review - Beyond Borders!

It's been a while since I posted throwback articles from the JasonRivera.com days, and truthfully I have a lot of them to post right now - the first one however, is this review of the film Beyond Borders starring Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen - my reason being that Valentine's Day weekend recently passed, and many men were dragged against their will to see the film Fifty Shades of Grey.  It reminded me of a time I was dragged against my will to see a movie I had no interest in seeing by a girl whom I wanted to have sex with.  The moral of the story is NEVER DO THAT because you hardly ever get sex from doing so. Now, I present to you, my review of Beyond Borders.

It was sometime in 2004 when a younger, more humbled, broken Riv used to hang around a girl we shall only call Stupidfuckinglyingbitch. Riv really cared for Stupidfuckinglyingbitch. So much in fact, that he endured years of not having sex with Stupidfuckinglyingbitch just to be with her. In the end Stupidfuckinglyingbitch turned out to be a Stupid Fucking Lying Bitch, but that’s another story for another day. The point is that this woman had a fascination for Angelina Jolie, and a fond desire of movies men know as Douchefilms.What is a Douchefilm?Long story short is that it’s a movie men don’t like to see because it doesn’t involve killing, fucking, or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Anyway, our poor friend with the cock didn’t really seem interested by the story, which reads as follows (taken from the Internet Movie Database):

“This sounds like a really gay movie.”

Even the inclusion of Angelina Jolie wasn’t enough to make this sound appealing. Probably due to the fact she would not be wearing booty shorts or carrying guns. Riv quickly turned to stupidfuckinglyingbitch and said “Why would I want to see this?” She replied “Just go with me. I’ve already seen it once. This movie will change your life.”

It sucked. Not only did it suck but due to his broken-ness at the time, Riv was unable to comment and criticize how fucking awful it is out of fear of angering the stupidfuckinglyingbitch who at this point, Riv thought he might still have a chance of getting to sleep with after six fucking years of drama, although little did he know that the girl was making out with gays and lesbians behind his back (yes, she was having hetero relations with GAY men, no I don't get it either).

On top of that, I was yelled at for eating popcorn by the stupidfuckinglyingbitch, who said… “How can you eat that? Those children are starving!” to which I replied “So am I, that’s why I’m eating popcorn.”

Anyway, now, in 2005 (article originally written in 2005), Riv, no longer a puppet of stupidfuckinglyingbitch can share his true feelings about the film:

The movie hasn’t even started yet, and already I see Angelina Jolie looking like shit. She looks like a fucking soccer mom in this movie. If it doesn’t have to do with her showing her tits, shooting someone, having nasty sex with other women, or licking her own blood, how can it be redeeming?

We start off, and Angelina Jolie is playing a piano mumbling some stupid metaphoric shit. We cut to a flashback of her dancing at the AID RELIEF INTERNATIONAL ball or something. I guess the immediate message is that in gathering money for poor kids, people are having fun when they are starving. Boo-hoo. If they really want to eat, there are plenty of flies buzzing around them because they smell bad. Beggars can’t be choosers, stop being fucking picky and eat the God-damn flies. Protein. Picky little fucks.

Outside the ball, a white guy talks to some black kid, who is probably starving (oh this isn’t predictable at all – they are so crashing the party). The black kid hugs the white guy, and I’m sure he does other things while trying to get a free McNugget or two. I bet he’s got him trained. “Hey Ugando! Suck my cock. There’s half French fry in it for you!”

Angelina Jolie meets that girl from Meet the Parents. They never kiss or touch each other’s tits or anything. Minus five.

They talk about Angelina Jolie’s new husband. Apparently they are sisters. Umm… they look nothing alike. What great casting. Way to prove mom was fucking the milkman.

The little hungry kid and the white guy who he just sucked the dick of crash the party. The white guy grabs the mic and does his version of 8675309, at least that’s what he would be doing if I wrote this movie and it were remotely entertaining.

White Guy pours out a lot of wine and gives the rest to the little black boy. That’s corruption of a minor for indecent purposes, but you can have like ten of those charges and still get NOT GUILTY. He looks like a perfect little homeless kid. How cute in a “what a disgusting poor little hobo” sort of way. I want to have him stuffed and put in an art exhibit or my front yard somewhere.

He takes his clothing off. Due to MPAA restrictions, the part where he begins rubbing the little black boy’s nutsac has been removed from the movie.

All the rich people are in shock, awe, disgust. It’s kind of like seeing Callista Flockheart naked. White guy tells the other white people in the room this long story about how the little black boy was so hungry he was trying to eat his own tongue and he was covered in shit when he found him. Get this kid a waterhose and a sandwich then and stop with the fucking sad story. He blames this on the lack of funding. Finally someone has heard enough and throws him a banana in hopes he will shut the fuck up and put the black kid’s clothing back on.

I would so laugh my ass off if he stuck the banana the kid’s ass in front of all these people. Instead he makes him make monkey noises for the white people to make them feel ashamed of themselves. I would have started laughing even harder immediately. The cops come in and arrest white man for telling bad jokes, singing 8675309, molesting a little black kid, and spilling alcohol. The kid, whom we find out is named Jojo (geez he even has a monkey name), runs for it. This evil looking guy makes nice with White Guy, and tells him about a deal he has for him.

We cut back to Angelina Jolie who finds out some little black kid died in the cold weather of malnutrition. Oh shit! Does that have to do with the little black kid that was with the white guy last night?

Angelina Jolie soon becomes unhappy with her happy life of eating good food, air conditioning, ‘80s music, and art shows. She decides she wants to go make a difference much to her husband’s dismay. She goes to see first-hand what she can do to make a difference.

Personally I don’t see why we send people to help Africa’s starving out. It’s a waste and they die anyway. Instead of sending normal people we should open up a foreign exchange program. We can send fat people to Africa, and for every fat person we send, one starving African kid gets to come here and eat for a month. At the end, they switch places again – the fat person becomes thin, the thin person becomes fat, and everyone is happy. Especially me if it turns some fat blimps into hotties.

Angelina finds herself staring at what appears to be a black version of Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. I bet anything that little starving kid was made with CG. This movie needs blood and cannibalism. It would have rocked if he jumped at her and started to eat her flesh.

Terrorists steal all the food.

Meanwhile Whitey is back. He is now dressed in a silly cowboy so that he can entice more anorexic children.

Angelina Jolie runs into our angry friend White Guy and asks him to help Black Gollum. Dr. White Guy tells Angelina Jolie it’s hopeless and if she wants to feel like she tried to do something he can take a picture of her holding the dying black baby. I would LOVE to take a picture like that. I’d open my own business: GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH A DYING STARVING AFRICAN KID - $1. I’d be rich. She begs Dr. White Guy to PLEASE look at them.

I guess he knows since he’s the male lead she’ll be sucking his dick by the end of the movie and decides to go with it. She walks around with Second-in-Command White Guy. We learn that Dr. White Guys name is Nick. Angelina wants to know about the food she bought and how long it’ll last, to which she finds out 3-4 days. And THAT is why it’s pointless to donate money. They’re just going to die anyway. You’re just slowing down the process… you’re slowing down EVOLUTION!!!

EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERRRRYYYYY, FOR A CHANGE THAT NO ONE SEES, CLOCK MAKES A FOOL OF HISTORY...!

After slowing down Evolution and being hit in the head with a sledgehammer by Triple H, Jolie gets a tour of the hospital.

 

Whoa look, it’s one of the mutants from Total Recall! What is he doing here?

FLIES!!!

Dr. White Guy Nick makes fun of Angelina Jolie’s perfume. The African woman she saved MURRRS at her. Angelina demands they give her something for the pain. The doctor asks the patient if it hurts and her response is “she feels the pain of hunger, but she knows death is hungrier than pain.” Apparently so are the flies. Just shut the fuck up and die already.

Here we see African children playing energetically. So much for not eating. If they were dying from starvation would they really be running around like that? Fuckin’ fakes.

Here AJ is shown feeding the starving kid. All that’s running through his mind is “I’m glad that bitch is wearing white so I can at least see some titty before I die of hunger.”

Dr. White Guy shows up and again tells Angelina “It’s hopeless, they are doomed!” If that’s the case, no one ever seems to ask Dr. White Guy “if it’s so hopeless why the FUCK are you even here, dumbass?”

At sunset the dead are buried. Again, I don’t fucking get this. Here you have a bunch of hungry starving people and they’re taking MEAT and burying it in the sand. If they took Gando and Samba’s dead husks, put a little ketchup on it, and chowed down, they wouldn’t have this fucking problem. Meanwhile the white people talk about measles vaccinations. Angelina plays a piano while Dr. White Guy listens and wonders what her pussy smells like. Dr. White Guy reads her a poem and the two smile at each other a lot. There’s nothing more romantic than reading poetry to each other in the middle of the fucking desert surrounded by flies and bony dying African people. That ALWAYS puts ME in the mood. The next day Angelina Jolie finds out that the little starving kid she saved in the desert survived thanks to her. You can always tell it’s a movie because of shit like this. In real life the flies would have eaten him by the next day and Angelina Jolie’s courage would have meant shit nothing. Also, if it had not been Hollywood and the kid died, I would have laughed more. The president of whatever country they are in is visiting the camp. Since they didn’t say what country this is, or I forgot, I will simply refer to him as “The President of All of Africa.”

The President basically says “Hey, I’m eating, they aren’t. Fuck all y’all other niggas.” In anger the white people remove parts from his car without knowing.

DOUCHEFILM WARNING SIGNAL. THE CRY. You know you are Douchefilm territory when a man cries in the movie. The only time men cry in non-Douchefilm movies is when he is done killin’. No exceptions.

Angelina Jolie goes home. They should have just ended the movie right here, but Douchefilms are never that merciful. They have a tendency to use the whole 120 minutes or more. Some time passes and she has a child with her husband and a boring shitty marriage, because no marriage in the movies is happy if it happens in the beginning or middle of the movie, only the end.

She gets a call eventually from her white friends from that trip in Africa.

She catches her husband cheating, well not really, but it is implied. It’s time to go back on the road and save some more poor kids! This time we go to…

Cambodia! Land of Gooks and assholes!

Dr. Nick sells guns to the commies for money to buy medicine with, much to the dismay of Angelina Jolie. Maybe she was better off fucking Billy Bob Thornton after all…

The commies begin to beat the shit out of Dr. Nick for being a stinkin’ gun runner.

Angelina then kicks his ass just for being a pussy.

This crazy guy shows up yelling shit in Gookanese. He tells them one of them must die for losing his guns and his file.

To ensure that people know he’s serious, he shoots a woman in her left tit. This guy is hardcore. Not as funny as the African starving kids but strangely awesome.

To prove how hardcore he is, he gives a crying child a grenade. This is pretty much the coolest moment in this entire film.

Another woman pisses him off and gets bitch-slashed.

Oops.

Dr. Nick’s best friend runs to grab the grenade and tosses it away from the baby. He gets gunned down as a result. That, or because he’s saluting Hitler.

No one tramples the baby. Only because Gene Snitsky isn’t here to do so.

This picture is only here so I can say that Michael Jackson jacked off to my website. Baby Boy + Mouth Opens = Michael Jackson’s favorite scene.

Dr. Nick starts crying again. Fucking pussy-ass white-boy Douche.

Angelina cheers him up with some sex. yeah. Cheating on her husband, how despicable. Yeah, because being in Cambodia surrounded by amputees, grenade-wielding babies, crazy gooks with guns, and watching my best friend get gunned down before my eyes while a riot starts, TOTALLY PUTS ME IN THE MOOD TO FUCK SOME PUSSY!!!! Props to Dr. Nick, though, for having balls enough to fuck a married woman - I totally thought he might have been a fag or something with all the crying he’s been doing. I bet his favorite band is Alter Bridge.

Douchefilms are easy to spot by the lack of titty during the sex scenes.

Angelina returns home. More time passes. Now she has TWO kids. Gee, I wonder where the other one came from? Dr. Nick’s dick I bet.

Angelina again talks to her sister from Meet the Parents. I wonder if being a cheating whore puts her outside the Circle of Trust? She tells he she got a letter from Nick, who is now in a former Soviet country, I just know it ends in –nia, and the beginning doesn’t have a lot of vowels in it, which is most Soviet countries.

Angelina is caught by her husband, who wants to know the truth – he knows about Dr. Nick. What he doesn’t know is Dr. Nick fucked his wife. Angelina is leaving for Wqhfqiwefhenia. She says she will be back by Friday.

The movie gets really boring here. Less suffering people and more terrorists. Angelina trades some shit for Dr. Nick’s safety from prisoners. The terrorists go back on their word and find Dr. Nick. He can barely walk and probably can’t get away. He tells her to escape, to keep walking…

Nick gets sniped by Soviets.

Angelina, being a stupid bitch runs back thinking she can save him. Well, what do we have here? A LANDMINE.

Yes, Angelina Jolie gets blown to fuckin’ kingdom come, making for the funniest segment in a movie ever.. The explosion saves Nick’s life as the soldiers probably think he died in it. I wish using CG they had made it so AJ’s head flew into the camera when she exploded but you can’t have it all. Nick returns to the UK to AJ’s house where he looks in the window at the daughter he did not know he had as the movie comes to an end.

Oh well, despite being douche, I did get to laugh at starving children, crazy insane Asian terrorists, and got to watch Angelina Jolie at her least hot get blown up into a million pieces all in the name of helping the less fortunate. Moral of the story – don’t help anyone – it’ll just end with you getting blown to pieces in some country whose name you can’t even remember. 75 cents a day might by Udar a meal, but it also buys me a candy bar. Even though candy bars will make me fat, give me bad skin, and I’ll probably get diabetes!

Way to go, Riv! NOW THAT’s cool!

But this movie really sucked; a better title would have been Beyond Boredom, and I can’t recommend it to anyone, even if they like Angelina Jolie as she looks like crap in this one compared to her other roles. In fact it took me three days to write this and ten attempts to watch the movie because it’s so boring, and long, and cruddy that you can’t watch it in one sitting and keep consciousness. If you want something more enjoyable, check out Mr. and Mrs. Smith, where she tries to kill her husband, which is what all women are really trying to do to us anyway. 

She redeems herself in this film because it’s so NOT douche. So save yourself the movie rental of these stupid drama-tearjerker movies and do something more valuable with your time, like play violent videogames or make fun of burn victims. You’ll be glad you did.
 

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