Guess I gotta do this RAW Recapping thing. I’ve been slacking on updates this week – I’ve had no time, less privacy, and a lot of real life work to do. But here I go with this RAW recapping I do. Hopefully tonight’s 3 hour tour isn’t shit so I can feel justified in wasting my time and my life watching this. Probably not though.
John Cena is starting off RAW. Yawn. Isn’t he a midcarder now? He is here to talk Rusev. Am I the only one that doesn’t give a shit about this? Cena is mad that Rusev thinks he’s a has-been and wants to re-arrange his face, etc. etc. Also it’s a US title match. Also John Cena wants to be the first person to pin/make Rusev tap out.
The only good thing about Grimace’s existence is that he brings Lana out with him. Even then people act like she shits gold out her ass hole when you fuck her vagina.
Rusev begins to talk, and I think forgets his lines because he says “your little” twice and nonsensically. John Cena threatens to kick Rusev’s ass and the two fight in the aisleway on the ramp. Cena drops Rusev with a clothesline, hitting Rusev so hard that Rusev sees “WWE Superstars” logos, which is where he will be banished to once Cena is done destroying him at Wrestlemania. Does anyone actually think this feud ends at Fast Lane? Cena tosses Rusev into the video wall and begins wailing away on him.
Rusev lays on the ground like a cheap hooker, which just proves he is definitely representing Russia and Bulgaria.
WWE tries to capitalize on popular culture and compares this Dean Ambrose news anchor clip with Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary. Dean Ambrose looks like a slob and tells us he’s going to beat Luke Harper tonight (another former IC champion) then make Bad News Barrett sign a contract for an IC title match whether he wants to or not.
Ambrose now makes his way to the ring with the contract for said fight with Harper immediately following. Ambrose is dope because he reminds me of crack-cocaine. He looks like someone who gets caught jerking off in windows while peeping on people. Ambrose getting the Intercontinental Title feud… and possibly the title, would be a decent spot for him on the way up the card. In terms of Shield members he’s the least pushed which is a shame. He’s not hated by the entire planet, nor is he posting his penis all over the Internet, so why is he the least utilized? Decent match, and Ambrose ultimately wins with the Dirty Deeds. Now onto the business of getting Wade Barrett to sign the contract for a match this weekend.
Big Show and Kane are arguing like a married couple who can’t figure out what they want their kid to do after school. HHH lectures them both and tries to make peace. Big Show yells MAY 13TH at Kane when he was supposed to be yelling “MAY 19th.” Oh man, Big Show vs. Kane is going to stink up Wrestlemania. I guess everyone needs a bathroom break.
Bray Wyatt says what happened to him was a shame and the fear he used to have for “him” has turned into pity. I guess this confirms that he will be fighting the Undertaker. DEA-
Cody Rhodes looks like Grimace came on his face. Dusty Rhodes is trying to reason with his children. He tries to talk to “Cody” who immediately gets serious and gets offended. Dusty says everything Cody loves means nothing without family. Dusty says he loves both his children. The two reconcile in front of their father but we know this won’t last. These two are going to fight at Wrestlemania. The real question is will it be Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust or Stardust vs. Goldust?
New Day cannot be killed for another 13 days. Goldust and Stardust should just hold off fighting them until March 1. The Rhodes brothers are promptly killed. NEW DAY!!! After the match, Stardust helps Goldust up, or tries to. Goldust can’t stand so Cody lifts him to his feet, hugs him, and hits Cross Rhodes on him.
Bryon Saxton interviews his boyfriend Roman Reigns (just listen to how often Byron sticks up for Reigns on the microphone). Reigns explains how much he’s going through to make it to Wrestlemania and the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Saxton asks if Reigns resents the Authority for putting him in a position where he has to continue to fight for his right to get to Wrestlemania. He says the Authority was riding the wave of public opinion to try to put Rollins in the mix and it failed. He then says that Daniel Bryan took an opportunity. Reigns tries to go neutral but Saxton presses on. Reigns basically says he accepted the challenge and the only reason Bryan is in the picture is because of Reigns.
Cody screams at Dusty backstage about how he was forced to live in the shadows of Dusty Rhodes and Goldust. He begins talking about how his life is a disaster, a beautiful disaster. He says that’s what space is and it caused Cody Rhodes to explode. HE DANCES WITH THE STARS NOW. CODY RHODES IS DEAD. And as far as that is concerned, so is his father.
Back in the ringside area, Reigns is making his way to the ring to fight Kane, while Daniel Bryan watches.
Andrew The Mark Sr. comes out here to fight Reigns. Nobody really cares. Kane went from one of the absolute best guys on this roster to the most boring man alive. Curtis, my friend, who really doesn’t watch this shit every week takes this time to point out that “YES” is the stupidest chant ever and everyone should shut the fuck up. Kane loses the match by countout.
After the match, Daniel Bryan rallies another YES chant and Curtis laughs at how stupid this all is. He says someone should start a “GAY” chant at Daniel Bryan.
Renee Young interviews Daniel Bryan and asks him if he’s going to continue to play these mind games against Roman Reigns. Daniel Bryan implies that Roman is not mentally tough.
Bray Wyatt cuts promos about how limbo is no place for a soul like “yours.” Meanwhile Byron Saxton is backstage looking for an interview with Paige. The Bella Twins have stolen Paige’s gear.
Paige asks Cameron if she can borrow some of her gear. Cameron hits Paige with “BAD ACTING.” Paige then looks across the hallway to see the Rosebuds. She snatches a fairy into her locker room where she proceeds to strip her naked and steal her clothing.
Faerie Paige is out here to wrestle Summer Rae. Paige looks like pornography in that outfit.
I’d smash. I’m not even going to lie. Paige is everyone’s favorite “horny nerd” fantasy of the moment much like AJ was before her. I’m not going to lie, I’d impale Paige on my dick.
After Paige destroys Summer Rae, the Bella Twins come out here. Urge to smash increases. I heard Nikki Bella might like being shit on. That’s disgusting but I’d do it. I wonder how many times John Cena shits on her a week. Even Brie is looking kind of nice tonight instead of looking like the Beetlejuice cartoon. I really need to get laid.
Seth Rollins, Sexcellent Seth is in the back with J & J Security. He fights Dolph Ziggler for the 85th time next. Can we still consider Dolph the “Show Off?” I mean Seth Rollins showed off WAY more when he ended up naked on Twitter last week.
Don’t remind us Sheamus won King of the Ring. That getup was retarded.
Rollins has a microphone to talk about President’s Day being a waste of time when the living, breathing, literal embodiment of the future is right in front of them all. He says he’s the most talented performer in the world. (Unless you read his bad pickup lines.) He says he can do whatever he wants (yeah, last week was an obvious indication). Seth says what he really wants to do is cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase to become the next WWE World Heavyweight champion. Seth says instead he has to deal with people beneath him meddling in his affairs (“affairs?”). People like Erick Rowan and Ryback and people like Dolph Ziggler. Dolph says that Seth Rollins had a bad Valentine’s Day.
Dolph mocks Rollins and acts like Rollins hasn’t hit puberty yet. Rollins says the only thing funny about Ziggler is the joke he calls a career. Dolph then calls Seth a whiny, protected, sell-out douche. Dolph reminds us he took out the Authority at Survior Series and if he can’t take them out again he’ll take out Seth Rollins instead. He tells Rollins to get his Hobbit security guards out of the ring so they can have their match. Ziggler almost puts Rollins away but J&J come back and jump Ziggler only to be chased off by Ryback and Rowen.
HHH comes to the ring after this to talk about Sting. I almost fall asleep because I am the only person who doesn’t seem to care at all about any of this. My friend Curtis takes the time to ask me “what the hell? I thought Sting was dead.”
Ric Flair interrupts this, Sting’s greatest opponent. Speaking of people who you’d think were dead. He slurs a promo and HHH responds by saying if Sting had come here he’d have ran him out of this company. Flair says that HHH is letting Sting get to him. Flair says that HHH is the best wrestler alive when he’s actually wrestling. HHH gets tired of this shit and shoves Ric Flair down and looks into Flair’s eyes and tells HHH that there is nothing other than his wife and kids that is more important than the WWE and he won’t allow Sting to ruin it.
The Ascension beat up Darren Young and his random nobody partner. Titus O’Neil rushes in and replaces Darren Young’s shitty partner, and reunites the Prime Time Players, which was a great and underrated team. But what happens to Slater Gator?
The Miz tells Wade Barrett to take Mizdow down a few notches and in return Miz will find a way to take care of Dean Ambrose. Miz uses a little bell to tell Damien to stop the match to buff his shoes. Ambrose rushes the ring, attacks everyone, and ties Barrett’s hands forcing him to sign the contract despite how illegible it might be.
More Bray Wyatt talking to himself like a crazy man.
Usos in mixed tag action. I know Jimmy and Naomi are together but she throws their entire entrance flow off a little. I prefer looking at her though. I’d smash. Looks like Jimmy and Naomi will be taking on Tyson Kidd and Natalya in a mixed tag match.
Tyson Kidd and Nattie are enjoyable, and Cesaro is also fun as well. Despite Tyson Kidd and Cesaro being a team thrown together at random, they’re solid in the ring, the crowd loves them despite being heels and they definitely deserve the tag belts (although it can be argued Kidd and Cesaro should have singles belts). Tyson Kidd plays the coward well and tags in Natalya almost immediately.
The match is just the girls and after Natalya loses a roll-up war, Tyson asks why she didn’t use the Sharpshooter and shows her how to use one like she doesn’t know. Nattie looks pissed off while Booker T says Tyson Kidd belongs on the sofa tonight. Big Show/Daniel Bryan is our main event.
God help us all. Roman Reigns is on commentary during this match. I think he’s getting better on the microphone mainly because they’re keeping him away from saying corny shit on the microphone. Apparently Reigns isn’t given a headset. He begins to try to distract Daniel Bryan much like Bryan did to him earlier on. This match sloths on as all Big Show matches do. Reigns ends up punching Big Show in the face which gets him disqualified. This makes Daniel Bryan angry at Reigns, and causes Bryan to dropkick Reigns and send him outside. Reigns is now angry. The two men begin fighting in the ring. Reigns tosses Bryan outside. Both men fight again.
Referees break up the brawl and force the men to shake hands but its only temporary before they begin slugging it out again. Bryan dropkicks Roman to the outside and follows with a dive and begins delivering knees to Roman on the security wall. Roman is back up and tosses Bryan into the audience. This keeps going back and forth to close the show. Overall this wasn’t a terrible RAW in the grand scheme of go-home shows, although I am not feeling Wrestlemania hype either which is proof I’m indeed getting too old for this shit.
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