This week's "From The Archives" article comes at the request of Ninja R, long-time friend and reader of the site, who used to have immense enjoyment of the chronicles of my local town assclown. This is also an article which shows the shift in society as in 2005 this wasn't considered "being a bully." I really am an asshole, sometimes. -Riv
Everyone has this person in their life - the one person that they really don’t like very much but tolerate in their town - everyone they know knows that person, but wishes they didn’t. If he’s at a party, and doesn’t leave in the next 15 minutes, YOU leave. This person is not “an” assclown but “THE” Assclown. In our part of town THE Assclown is this guy...
Jacob Webb a.k.a “Gay Jacob.”
It’s not that he’s gay in the sense of homosexual (or not that we all know of), but he’s gay in the sense of using the word to describe an annoying person. Poor Jacob is completely oblivious to the fact that he ANNOYS people - and even worse he tends to think he’s a cool guy. Whether he’s trying to sell you a cellphone, trying to give your phone number to telemarketers for a “Money Pyramid” scheme, or hitting on your girlfriend, the simple fact with Jacob is this:
He thinks he is a winner.
I’ve said this on the site many times, that in many cases “Winner” is another word for “Loser.” This is no exception to that rule. So you can imagine when Jacob Webb found my MySpace account, how thrilled I was, if by “thrilled” I meant “strongly considering deleting my profile so he cannot find me.”
Especially after bulletins like the ones you’re about to read being posted everywhere:
Then it came to me that if I need to suffer knowing Jacob Webb, all of you must suffer with me here on the Internet. I decided to give him the JasonRivera.com Interview Treatment. But this guy KNOWS me and he's not going to fall for any of my usual tricks. I'll have to get creative.
Especially when I used a fake account of my sister to mock him, and ragged on his stupid tattoo. It should be noted in real life my sister once actually told him that he "smells like ass" and has offended her with his smell, and to "never speak to her again."
Honesty and Brutality are one and the same...
Hell with a pen, indeed.
...And moreso when I 5/10ed his ugly girlfriend.
Even though he brought it upon himself by posting her.
That is where “Jacqui Saburido” came in (yes, I actually used her to create a fake profile to catfish Jacob with long before it was ever called "catfishing.") Jacob quickly befriended Jacqui and left stupid comments like so...
But it worked, and it was effective, and he bought the fact that Jacqui was practicing her interview skills to work for a magazine, and now I bring you Jacob Webb, the most annoying man on the face of the entire planet. Since it’s actually a short interview, and since it’s not my best interview by leaps and bounds I’ve decided to grace you with more bulletins from Jacob. Behold... WEBB WISDOM!!!
What is your name?
(Well at least he answered that one right.)
How old are you?
(Just so you know despite his typing he IS an adult, at least by the standards of age.)
Who did you vote for in the 2004 election and why?
bush..... cuz my grandparents wanted me too.....
(what a great reason to vote for Bush - because GRANDMA told me to!)
What are your thoughts on the recent Terri Schiavo case?
i dont know that preson is......
(Must not get out much, eh, Jacob?)
Is masturbation good for you or bad for you and why?
well i love to jack off....... it makes me fell good... cuz knows me like my self......
(I just thought I’d punish all of you with that horrible mental picture.)
Is there someone you hate, who is it, why, and if you had the to tell them off here and now what would you want to say to them?
my sister boyfriend........name is dan.....he tells me what to do......when he does not have a job..... he smells like shit....... he never takes a showers ect.... i would say cut that fucking, use the soap an use it.... stop asking money from sister.......an do something with your life......ok.....
(Just to let you know, someone I know got a ticket for speeding trying to take Jacob home for “smelling bad” and my sister told him off for smelling like ass, so he’s in no condition to judge body odor.)
What do you think is the worst thing one human being can do to another human being?
rap an murder
(That’s right! Rap music is the worst thing you can do to someone else!!!)
Sexier Mario Brother: Mario, or Luigi?
so how was your day.....was it gay...... so have you got this job...... does it pay good...... tell me some thing about you....... ok.........
(Asking about my day wasn’t part of the deal.)
Rate the following things as “in” or “out”:
--Fat Women - in
--Burn Victims - out
--Spellchecking - in
--Jesus Christ - in
--Shopping Malls - in
Rate these women 1-10 based on what you think of them.
Viscera (yes, he thought Viscera was a woman)
none of the girls.... cuz i like the thick an real.....ok.
(What the fuck does thick and real mean? Viscera and Star Jones aren't fat enough for him? Gross!)
Would you ever eat at a place called the Ten Dicks Bakery?
ten dicks bakery no.....
(Somehow... I think he is lying.)
That is when he started hitting on me... And that is when I confessed and showed him the True Form of Jacqui Saburido...
As I did all he did is continue to talk to me about how great I am, and even posted a bulletin to all his friends to love Jacqueline for what she is, for her true beauty...
To me, it’s just proof that Jacob will try to score with anything, even burn victims as we come to a close on this chapter.
So that’s Jacob Webb for you. If you see him coming, walk the other way.
UPDATE: Jacob's ex-wife would eventually join our forums to inform us that Jacob's dyslexia caused him to legitimately wipe his ass from back to front (causing him to get shit on his balls) as well as swearing that he legitimately had a micro-penis. Webb would eventually find out and write angry blogs to Riv after Riv turning Jacob's MySpace profile page to JINJACK.JPG (a fake nude of WWE's Mark Jindrak that became a signature trolling photo used by Riv & Landin during the MySpace Era) using a flash-redirect exploit in MySpace's design was considered the final straw. In fact, Ninja R actually did his own verbatim blog-reading of Jacob's angry response to the things Riv wrote. You can listen to the blog reading below:
Years later, @CrankyRiv, a.k.a. the Crust would approach Jacob Webb in public and ask if he was "the assclown guy," which reduced Webb to tears in public.
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