Movie Synopsis & Review - The Amazing Spider-Man (1977) - And you thought Spider-Man Had It Bad Today!!!

A few weeks ago, Julia asked me a question for my Ask Riv YouTube Videos in which she asked me what the worst Christmas gift I ever received was.  After she asked me, I felt it was only fair for me to ask her what her worst gift was and she informed me she asked for the Spider-Man 2002 film for Christmas only for her uncle to purchase her the 1977 Amazing Spider-Man movie.   I had realized I only saw it once as a kid and blocked it from memory, because the mind does in fact gloss over painful memories.  However, this is the era of the Internet and you can find anything at any time so I figured I would jog my memory and re-live the 1977 Spider-Man film, which kicked off a television show which is impossible to find (probably for the best that we can’t find it).

This looks like it's more for a goofy interracial sitcom than it is for a Spider-Man television show.  Arrow, The Flash, and Legends of Tomorrow, this is not.

This looks like it's more for a goofy interracial sitcom than it is for a Spider-Man television show.  Arrow, The Flash, and Legends of Tomorrow, this is not.

We are ending 2015 and coming into 2016, where Spider-Man is about is about to be rebooted for a 3rd time in less than 15 years. It’s only fair we look at where Spider-Man has been to see where he’s going.  Personally I wish the agreement between Marvel Pictures and Sony somehow led to us acknowledging the first 3 films and returning Tobey Maguire to the role of an adult Peter Parker, however, for some ungodly reason Disney is obsessed with Peter Parker being 15 years old.  However, it can’t be the worst thing they did to Spider-Man because this shit exists.  Let’s take a look.

Holy fucking Spider-Man porn music!  This might be the worst superhero theme ever.  I’m not sure if I’m supposed to root for Spider-Man or put my dick in someone’s ass.  I’ve uploaded the theme so that you can hear it. 

I cannot be held responsible if you start getting into some 1970s pornographic shit by listening to it. 

The doctor's official diagnosis is: you're a faggot.

The doctor's official diagnosis is: you're a faggot.

We start off with a man at the doctor’s office and he doesn’t look too pleased. He’s also suffering from male pattern baldness.  I can only assume by his sadness that he is in the stages of low testosterone and erectile dysfunction.  His wife, if he has one, is probably fucking a gardener named Javier, and his kids probably get picked on at school because he is a bum.  The moral of this story?  Don’t marry bums.  Don’t even date them.  If you’re currently dating a bum, dump them.  The clock hits a certain time and a beep goes off from an alarm clock and the Doctor simply gets up and walks away.  My guess is that the doctor realized he had to grab this guy’s balls and tell him to cough and decided to simply fuck off.  Bums don’t even get handjobs from doctors.  Ever.  The bald man is outraged the doctor has abandoned him to do “literally anything else.”

His toupee also deflects bullets.

His toupee also deflects bullets.

A clock in a courtroom also beeps and I assume it means someone is going to get up and walk away – maybe they just don’t want to be in this shitty movie.  Either that or Cool Clock Ahmed went back in time to fight Peter Parker.  Your guess is as good as mine.    Regardless this attorney with the really cool haircut goes all zombie and fucks off.  Maybe he and the doctor are going to suck each other’s dicks together. 

Yep. They’re DEFINITELY going to suck some dicks together.  This looks like the scene in the Grand Theft Auto game where you pick up a hooker.  For some reason the Doctor and the lawyer arm themselves with guns and gas masks along with a tear gas grenade to rob a bank.  We get an insane up close shot of a weird ugly button with a stupid symbol on the doctor’s suit jacket.

This is the merit badge you get at Summer Camp for "being a fucking asshole."

What a stupid emblem.  Sound effects ensue as the attorney robs the bank and pimp walks out to some more porn-tacular music, gets in the car and the two drive off.  They drive into an alleyway and actually crash the car intentionally.  They are then robbed by two mobsters who take the money and the emblems off of them and leave them to presumably die.

The Daily Bugle was founded in 1890 and one has to wonder if J. Jonah Jameson has been yelling at people for about that many years.  

This man is not buying shitty photography.  Must have been captured with an IPhone instead of an actual camera.  J Jonah Jameson looks like someone’s asshole step-father more than he does the douchebag head of the Daily Bugle.  Regardless, this is probably the best they could do in the 1970s, but nobody is going to top J.K. Simmons playing the role in the Spider-Man trilogy. He *IS* J. Jonah Jameson.  He tells a guy we can only assume is Peter Parker that he appreciates him working through college but wouldn’t bother with his crap otherwise.

I admit for a movie in 1977, this guy doesn’t exactly make a bad 1970s Peter Parker, other than he does have a kind of gay haircut but in 1977 who DIDN’T have a kind of gay haircut?  Nicholas Hammond is his name, and I really don’t mind his casting.  For 1977 that’s a solid Peter Parker.

It was nice of them to include Robbie Robertson in the cast.

It was nice of them to include Robbie Robertson in the cast.

JJ gets the news story from Robbie that a lawyer and a doctor robbed a bank and thinks someone is playing a joke which makes Robbie give us his best “WHATCHU TALKIN’ BOUT WILLIS?” face.  The news reporter on television tells everyone that a Mind Controlling Extortionist claims he is responsible for the bank robbery and he’s going to prove it.  In other words, this movie is about Gang Stalking and Cyber Harassment, a world we were unfortunately introduced to in Asked Episode 291 where people actually believe microwave radiation and cellular frequencies are being used to assign them an IP address and control their minds, making them do stuff like bash their heads into walls, masturbate furiously, and buy Minions merchandise.  Peter Parker is worried about terrorism so already a movie from almost 40 years ago is worried about the war on terror and the bad guy sounds like Kilgrave from Jessica Jones, which is awesome and just recently got released on Netflix – so go watch that instead of this. JJ is convinced the Lawyer and Doctor just snapped and robbed the bank of their own free will and tells Pimp Hair Peter Parker to fuck off.

WARNING HAZARDOUS MATERIALS.  I assume that in this telling of the Spider-Man story he’s working for the Daily Bugle BEFORE the accident that makes him Spider-Man.  The comic book nitpicker in me rises to the surface.

For a place that’s dangerous and filled with hazardous radiation these two don’t seem to be taking a whole lot of precautions.  I bet they fuck unclean women without a condom, too.  These guys love to live dangerously.  Isn’t there supposed to be more safety gear involved?  Peter asks his lab assistant about mind control and about the crazy man who says he will have ten people kill themselves if he doesn’t get $50 million.  His partner says he has enough problems - yeah, he has enough problems like the fact he's going to be dead before he's 30 because he refuses to wear regulation lab gear.

I didn't know the post office employed the homeless.

I didn't know the post office employed the homeless.

Some guy who looks like a homeless bum comes wandering in looking for Peter Parker and brings him condensers for his new transmitter.  I would pretend I know what the hell is going on, but I don’t.  The package is COD and Parker doesn’t have $26.  The mailman refuses to take a check, refuses to wait, refuses to do anything because he’s frightened of the radiation and snaps on Parker telling him he can come get it.  Parker’s assistant begins making all sorts of machines move and make noise to frighten the mail man for being a colossal dickhead.  The suspense of watching Peter Parker and his friend play with a robot arm to pour radioactive waste on stuff is killing me.  This is why I could never do a career in chemistry.  It looks so… boring.   Well we know what happens next.  Parker notices the Spider but the lab assistant convinces him it’s probably nothing.

Neither of them notices not only is that a big ass spider but it’s fucking GLOWING.  Parker’s friend leaves and manages not to notice or get bit, which we are fortunate for because the dude is a huge flake.  Imagine if HE became Spider-Man instead?  Parker has more work to do while the spider crawls around the lab.  As he reaches for his things he gets bit immediately.  He thinks nothing of it and we see another ominous shot of the glowing spider as Parker leaves.   

In another part of town another brainwashed man commits a robbery.  Oh well he looks like he’d hate his life anyway even if he wasn’t being mind-controlled.  You know, if I could mind control people who looked like this I'd at least help them... by making them NOT look like this.  Who dressed this guy?

Did I leave the stove on?

Did I leave the stove on?

Parker almost gets run over by a car but hears a nasty buzzing sound in his head. Some pimp music plays as the guy in the car almost runs him down and even chases him into an alley.  Peter is somehow able to climb the wall effortlessly before being run over.  He now recalls being bit in the lab prior to suddenly having buzzing sounds in his head and sticky hands. 

Peter casually goes back to his photography work when a guy named “Captain Barberra” or something corners him and says he saw everything.  Parker explains he never saw this man in his life.  And the cops demand Parker’s name and address.  The cop is told there was no money and assumes Parker took the cash. 

20 minutes into interrogation and chill and he gives you this look.

20 minutes into interrogation and chill and he gives you this look.

The cop makes rape-face while Peter tries to explain that he didn’t see anything happen.  He didn’t see who took the money and he’s not sure.  He can’t just tell the cop he climbed the wall.  That would out his powers.  Parker has nightmares about the spider that bit him as he sleeps on the couch.  I wouldn’t have nightmares.  I’d be thanking him. 

Yeah... this doesn't look the slightest bit suspicious in broad fucking daylight.

Yeah... this doesn't look the slightest bit suspicious in broad fucking daylight.

When he wakes up he has the sudden urge to climb all over his house in pubic in broad daylight, even though his neighbors should be able to see him.  I thought Spider-Man was smart.  Also, there is just this awesome 1970s pimp music playing as he does it.  Maybe that’s what is missing in today’s Spider-Man films.  We need more pornographic music while he does things.  You have to love how bad special effects were that it’s literally a guy crawling on a floor that has a movie playing on it, essentially.  I’ve always felt cheesy special effects were charming because this was probably cutting edge for its time.  Out in public, while climbing around back alleys learning about his new powers. Peter realizes his Spider-Sense detects crimes in the area and decides to go after his first purse snatcher.  With a pimp music jingle, Peter yells at the robber from the top of the wall to hold it.

Rather than run the purse snatcher is amazed by the man on the wall – that or he’s wondering what the hell his last hit of marijuana was laced with that he’s seeing things like this.  While he’s distracted, a cop who conveniently doesn’t see Peter runs up to the man and takes him away while he screams “DID YOU SEE THE GUY ON THE WALL?”

A bunch of other people say they saw the guy on the wall too, and the cop is wondering if everyone in this neighborhood is high as fuck.  It’s the 1970s.  Isn’t everyone in the 1970s high all the time?  I feel like I get a contact high just by looking at pictures from the 1970s.

Meanwhile back at the Bugle, JJ doesn’t give a shit if Parker has photos of a car wreck.  He better have something good like Seth Rollins Dick Pics to run or something.  JJ wants something to J off to.  Parker says $46 isn’t much to ask and JJ casually mentions if he can get a picture of this “Spider-Man” everyone is talking about he’d gladly pay for that.  JJ is convinced that the people who saw Spider-Man are just a bunch of drunks.  JJ says everyone’s gone insane and he should just retire.  He says Peter Parker must be crazy to want to work here too and Parker claims the Spider-Man is real.  JJ immediately asks what the Spider-Man looks like.  And Parker finds himself in an uncomfortable conversation not unlike the one he ended up in with the cop.  He says he looks like a spider. But also looks like a man.  JJ Is not impressed Spider-Man only has two legs.  Well, just wait until he whips out his dick.  JJ kicks Parker out his office until Peter says he has a photo of Spider-Man and these guys suddenly want to know what he’s wearing.  This is getting a little bit erotic.  On the fly, Parker says that he wears a special costume.  Parker buys himself enough time to make this costume and prove it. 

Finally, Aunt May appears.  My guess is Uncle Ben is already dead, which somewhat ruins the whole origin story since Uncle Ben’s passing is a big part of how Spider-Man came to understand that with great power comes great responsibility.  My guess is the lack of Dead Uncle Ben in 1977 is the reason they killed him like 8 times in Spider-Man 3 during flashbacks, for the sake of balance.

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Okay, now you have to admit, that is a really FUCKING GOOD JOB for a 1977 movie with the Spider-Man costume.  I actually applaud that level of effort for such an old film.  Another montage shows Peter Parker setting up his camera so he can get these photos of Spider-Man. 

NAKED NIGERIA: A Photographic Exhibition by Peter Parker.

NAKED NIGERIA: A Photographic Exhibition by Peter Parker.

Those black and whites make it look like it’s just a butt naked bald black guy with huge eyes.  Robbie seems to love those photos and may have a boner.  JJ says that he looks like a circus freak and that probably has an angle.  JJ keeps trying to act like this is fake (technically it’s not fake, it’s fraud) but Robbie sticks up for him and even gives Peter a chance to hurry up and go get photos of another crime scene Mind Control guy is taking responsibility for.   Asshole cop and his partner are trying to figure out why these guys always crash their cars after the robbery and never have any money.  The cops want to pester Peter Parker a little more but he explains he works at the Bugle.  Parker explains the accident is going to end up killing the poor guy if they don’t get him out and the EMTs say they are working as fast as they can.  He convinces one to get a blanket so that they don’t see him as he begins bending the car’s steering wheel and seat with his enhanced strength in order to stop the guy from dying.  Unfortunately, the paramedics shove him out the way when they come back and break his camera, meaning he has none of the photos they sent him out to get which means he’s probably going to be fired.

Parker, upon realizing this makes a face like Aunt May took a shit in his oatmeal this morning.  Plus if he can't afford $26.00 for his package how the hell is he going to afford another camera?

You're not Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy. Go away.

You're not Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy. Go away.

Enter Judy Tyler, the daughter of the most recent mind control victim and someone thrown in to give Peter a love interest that isn’t Gwen Stacy or Mary Jane Watson. This is kind of strange since both Stacy and Watson were well established in the Spider-Man universe by 1977.   Unlike the other mind controlled men, the guy that just crashed isn’t in a coma which means he might remember something meaning their whole shitty little operation is about to go down. 

 

This screenshot is only here to make you appreciate your smartphone.  Back in this era you were lucky if someone could hear you fifty feet away.  There was no Twitter or Facebook to have drama on.  And saddest of all, there were no nudes. Maybe the age of technology isn't as bad as I make it out to be after all...

I’ve never understood this cliché in just about every movie, film, or television show ever – you know, where someone sneaks into a hospital pretending to be a doctor.  You’d think more people would raise more questions about somebody they’ve never seen in their lives suddenly showing up in a hospital as a new doctor or nurse or whatever.  It’s not like anyone can just put on a coat or some scrubs and pass.  Either way, the surviving Mind Controlled guy is a loose end that needs to be tied up for our villains.  They seek to put him back under their control.

Somewhere in a secret base some guy pushes a button on the computer to mind control the patient through the use of OMG CYBERSTALKING AND GANG VIOLENCE.   Our patient receives the signal as we get ominous back-and-forth between the computer and the patient, who they are convincing to commit suicide by jumping out the hospital window because in the 1970s federal safety regulations didn’t make these windows impossible to access or open.

To be honest if I looked like this guy I’d probably jump, too.  Fortunately for him, Judy screams and the cops run for it to try to save her father before he can jump.  The mind control must not be effective if he sat on the ledge instead of jumped immediately. Where did they get their mind control kit?  The Dollar Tree?  If this was Marvel’s Jessica Jones, Kilgrave would have had that guy jump like 2 minutes ago.

Spider-Man is not too far away, and is wall-crawling to the rescue complete with his disco theme and manages to prevent the longest suicide attempt ever from actually taking place.  The cops are amazed.

Except for the Captain who makes the same face I make when one of my cats uses the litter box and doesn’t bury their poop and stinks up the entire bathroom.  He asks “Who is that character, anyway?”  Umm… he’s Spider-Man.  The iconic Marvel Comics superhero, created by Stan Lee.  Does that answer your question, genius.  Peter comes back to Judy, who tells him he missed everything and runs away.  It’s such a common plot device for Peter Parker to cock block himself by making women become so infatuated with Spider-Man that they don’t give a damn about Peter Parker.  I feel your pain bro – people like Riv more than they do Jason. 

As if it wasn’t bad enough that Peter Parker isn’t getting any, he goes to work to get yelled at by J. Jonah Jameson for not getting any good photos.  This guy’s life is starting to look way too much like mine.  JJ says at least they have the car crash pictures, but remember, earlier Parker’s camera got destroyed and this isn’t 2015 where all his shit got uploaded to the cloud along with Jennifer Lawrence Butthole Photos before it did. 

In the most unsmooth move of all time, Judy comes to visit Peter at the Bugle and he asks her for $46.00, which in the 1970s is like asking for $100.00 and a sloppy blowjob.  The part that gets me is… SHE GIVES HIM THE MONEY.  I can’t get a girl to go to Taco Bell with me let alone lend me money.  Maybe Peter Parker isn’t so bad with women after all.   Either that or the 1970s were actually awesome. They discuss her father, his suicide attempt and the fact he doesn’t remember his robberies or trying to kill himself.  She asks Peter to check out a special group that her father attends about “Human Awareness.”  Peter says it sounds like one of those groups where someone puts on a white sheet and calls themselves a Guru.  …you mean like this one?

In before the Klan repackages themselves as a Human Awareness Group.

In before the Klan repackages themselves as a Human Awareness Group.

She tells Peter that the leader of the group is a guy named Byron, and she then asks Peter if he’s heard of him like there’s only one man named Byron on planet earth.  They decide to go talk to Mr. Byron about her father and try to get to the bottom of his behavior.

Isn't this the kid with Down Syndrome from South Park that fights with Jimmy all the time?

Isn't this the kid with Down Syndrome from South Park that fights with Jimmy all the time?

You mean to tell me the leader is a guy with Down Syndrome mouth?  He introduces himself.  Edward Byron.  Judy and Peter introduce themselves and step inside the meeting where tons of businessmen are wearing the stupid symbol.  Judy’s father is being interrogated by the police while in the hospital explaining he doesn’t know anything.  The cop thinks Spider-Man is somehow part of the problem.  Byron tells us that you’ll NEVER be happy by TRYING to be happy.  He says people are in love with the idea of happiness and that we are so locked up in ourselves we don’t recognize when happiness comes along.  This is kind of deep - and somewhat true.  Stop trying to be likeable, Byron!  You're supposed to be the bad guy!  Peter has no idea what he’s even talking about.  Somehow this rant about happiness turned into Byron telling people they need to be trained (are these people not potty trained or something?) and go into a new level of consciousness.  He says Peter and Judy have to leave now because they are not official members of the group and stares ominously as they leave..

Don't worry Peter, it happens to a lot of guys.

Don't worry Peter, it happens to a lot of guys.

Judy think it’s a great group, because she’s an idiot and can’t wait to start “the training.”  Peter… do you really want to be romantically involved with a moron?  Besides I’m pretty sure Byron’s training involves moving his fat stomach out of the way to find his dick.   Judy is angry Peter doesn’t want to be part of the group and basically tells him to fuck off.  He asks if he will see her again and she gives him a hesitant “…sure.”  I am pretty sure that "sure" is Judy's "angry girl word."  Little side note:  Every woman on earth has one or two words they say a lot when they are mad at you or at something.  Back to the lab for Parker. 

Business picks up when Peter develops the Web Shooter.

And even though it’s basically just stringy stuff, again for 1977 I am impressed with the effect.  Spider-Man’s cheesy 1970’s porno music plays as we get a montage of him training on how to effectively use his web shooters and swing.   Keep in mind Peter Parker developed his web shooters… for the low, low price of $46.00.   If I could develop web-shooters for $46 you bet your ass I'd do it. 

Byron’s training involves everyone sitting around in a movie theater watching ooh-and-ahh flashing lights and effects.  I wonder how many people are also doing the Popcorn Trick while watching this film.  Maybe they’re watching Star Wars Episode VII and all getting brainwashed by the hype machine.  Who knows?  Either way, this is how criminals are made.  Parker has a machine that picks up microwave radiation (HOLY SHIT this really IS a movie about the gangstalking/cyber harassment/mind control group).  As if a machine reading evil microwaves that turn people into bank robbers wasn’t enough of a sign something was wrong, Peter’s Spider-Sense begins tingling.  He tracks the signal.  Byron uses his mind control and tells a woman she must do something important for him and must not fail.  I have a feeling she’s going to have to make him cum. 

Do they not make cold medication in the 1970s?

Do they not make cold medication in the 1970s?

For some reason Spider-Man having a cold has become a sub-plot in this film, probably as a means to out his secret identity to Judy since he was sneezing in her car earlier in the movie (spoiler alert, having a cold has no bearing on the plot at all, which makes it way more pointless that he had one in the first place).  He sneezes so much that he drops the machine tracking the microwaves… which makes no sense as everything sticks to him so he shouldn’t have been able to drop It so easy to begin with.  Mind Control Byron and his mobsters say the final plan is in place now because they can’t risk Dr. Tyler remembering everything and attempts to kill him or make him kill himself have not been successful. Spider-Man sneaks into the building and is attacked by none other than…

RANDOM ASIAN MAN WITH A KENDO STICK!  Why is this guy even here?  What is his deal?  Why do the bad guys, who are all random American guys just happen to have a random Japanese man with a kendo stick?  Is the Japanese man even part of the bad guys? Or is he just some crazy Japanese guy that carries a big stick to compensate for his tiny penis?  There are so many unanswered questions.  I’m confused.

Oh. He is a MIND-CONTROLLED JAPANESE MAN WITH A KENDO STICK.  Some people keep attack dogs.  Some people have alarms in their houses.  Some bad guys even have automated motion-detecting gun turrets that fire at people… but not Byron.  He likes to mind control random Asian guys, arm them and keep them around.   You’re probably wondering what I mean by “guys.”

THAT is what I mean.  Another one JUST LIKE him pops out from behind Spider-Man, who has not seen hand-to-hand combat at all at this point as he hasn’t really stopped any robbers, or attempted to try his hand at pro-wrestling, or has the motivation of Uncle Ben getting shot and killed to make him want to fight these guys. 

 

Look how serious this guy’s eyebrows are.  He’s dead serious.  He hasn’t had his daily dose of anime “waifu” porn today and he’s not in a good mood.

Look how serious this guy’s mustache is?  Do you think a free child abduction came with that mustache?

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Okay, now this is getting fucking ridiculous.  How many “random Japanese guys” do you really need?  One was already kind of shocking, two was a little much, but three?  That’s just overkill.  I mean what do they do when they’re not attacking people?  Do they just stand around and wait?

Even THIS guy is shocked about the third Asian.  He looks disappointed, like he’s been cheated on.  Spider-Man decides to run like hell instead of fight, forgetting that he has the “proportionate strength of a spider” and therefore should have the resilience and strength to easily take out the three stooges.   Byron demands they kill him but Spider-Man finally decides to fight back because he can crawl on the ceiling and they can’t.  Somehow within two seconds Peter Parker knows how to throw the best punches and kicks. 

He also hits them with some webbing, because Asians LOVE bukkake.  The Asians chase Spider-Man to the rooftop which is ridiculous since with all that open space, Spider-Man really excels and kicks their ass – if there’s one thing missing it’s that this version of Spider-Man doesn’t seem to trash talk his enemies while fighting them which is a shame.  It’s one of the things I always loved about Spider-Man (and later Deadpool who stole that crown from the wall crawler of being the best mid-fight shit talker in comics).  Spider-Man escapes because he’s not the type to kill people, even three weird creepy Asians who probably deserve it for their poor life choices.

Cue really annoying noises as the lady who was brainwashed earlier by the doctor is going somewhere while the most annoying sound in the world plays.  Her mission seems to be to simply crash her car for no reason.  A scene switch to the cops reveals she robbed a bank just like all the rest before crashing the car.  The cops want to know what it means in the report that says “the patient’s alpha waves have been resonated.”  This really sounds like crazy conspiracy theory shit.

Asshole Cop just has a hard-on for Peter Parker and calls him in to ask him questions about the fact he takes pictures of Spider-Man and that he has been at the crime scenes.  The cop demands to know what Parker knows about Spider-Man.  Basically it feels like they took J Jonah Jameson and split him into two characters.  The officer demands Parker find Spider-Man and tells him the cops want to speak to him.  Peter rushes to try to call Judy and stop her from seeing Mr. Byron because he’s dangerous.  He leaves a message and rushes to find her before it is too late.  THIS WAS THE ERA WITHOUT CELLPHONES, PEOPLE.

Peter goes to confront Mr. Byron on his own, as Peter.  I guess this way he’s less likely to get attacked by random Asians.   Byron remembers Parker didn’t enjoy his program.  Byron says he doesn’t think Peter Parker would be suitable.  Byron gives him his special little membership pin with the stupid logo and that he can come to the next meeting after he reads some of Byron’s “special literature.”  I wonder if Byron is just going to give him some pornographic magazines. 

Instead, Byron goes into his evil lair and decides to use his super computer to mind control Parker immediately.  This is pretty inconsistent when you think about it because you’d think he’d need to mentally condition Peter Parker in his strange creepy movie theater like all the rest of his victims first. 

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Oh, apparently he has all the creepy sights and sounds built into every part of his room.  This is some Total Recall shit and Spider-Man is about to be brainwashed to hang out with the random Asians. Peter tries to resist the mind control but I’m surprised he hasn’t figured out the silly membership pin has something to do with it.  Byron mind controls Parker and tells him he was never here, and that on Friday he must jump from the Empire State Building and kill himself.  At home later, Peter’s Spider-Sense goes off and he has visions of Byron.  He knows something is up. 

As Spider-Man, he’s back on the roof… where the Asians are waiting for him.  I’m starting to think they never left since the last time Spider-Man was on the roof of this same building.  Spider-man begins running around them and making them give chase, and they try to burn his webbing with FLAMETHROWERS out of nowhere. 

Seriously, whoever came up with this was on crack.  It works and Spider-Man almost falls to his death but luckily he latches onto the side of a building – couldn’t he have just shot another web from mid-air?  Clearly this Spider-Man is still on the amateur skill level. 

Byron smiles.  Clearly equipping random mind controlled Asians with a flamethrower was a wise investment. Spider-Man injured his arm in the fall but in the weirdest moment ever, Spider-Man, unwilling to work through the pain or find some other plan, tries to catch a cab?

Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?

Spider-Man has a bigger dick than the average black man.

Spider-Man has a bigger dick than the average black man.

HEY MAN I DON’T WANNA MESS WITH YOU!  The cab driver looks on, eyes fixated on Spider-Man’s dick.  Spider-Man tells him he’s not feeling well.  I’m disappointed that the first time he opens his mouth as Spider-Man it’s not to make jokes but to whine about not feeling good. The cab driver refuses because “you don’t even have any pockets” meaning he doesn’t have any money.

When the movie ends up when you get your ass kicked by Z-list non-existent-in-the-comics villains.

When the movie ends up when you get your ass kicked by Z-list non-existent-in-the-comics villains.

Spider-Man instead jumps into a garbage truck and hides with the trash, which is probably where this version of the movie belongs. 

Let’s not forget Peter Parker has been brainwashed to kill himself and is one of the ten people Byron is using to hold the city hostage with his mind control powers. Parker decides to somehow come up with an excuse as to how he’s used his lab to figure out how Byron uses microwaves to control people and tell the cops. Parker thinks he can jam the signal but he’s also got the mind control pin on his clothing and still has yet to figure out he’s been duped.  The signal begins to come through and again he tries to resist it.  Should have jammed that signal sooner.

He makes a face like you’d make if you came too quickly while fucking your girlfriend and she got disappointed and left you.  The mind control takes and he does as he is commanded.  Judy has also been mind-controlled to kill herself.  I’m not really sure how Spider-Man is going to get out of this one.  The cops refuse Byron’s demands and arrest his accomplices. I mean c’mon, this is New York.  I’m pretty sure 10 people killing themselves in this city is a slow Tuesday. 

Luckily for our hero (who isn’t much of a hero if he got himself in this mess in the first place), the security rails that are designed to prevent people from jumping to their deaths in the first place, manages to remove the mind control pin from his jacket.   Parker quickly returns to his Spider-Man costume and having learned that there are Roof Asians, decides to climb the opposite rooftop and simply pull the antenna off of Byron’s headquarters.

For some reason this causes Byron to back away from his computer like it has the AIDS virus and just spit on his open wounds.  All the other people who were about to kill themselves regain their senses just in the nick of time. 

Oh what the fuck? Not again!  Shouldn’t these guys be in an internment camp somewhere?

They REALLY like his webshooters.

They REALLY like his webshooters.

Spider-Man says he turned their mind control off so he wants to be buddies.  They smile at him.  I feel like Spider-Man bukkake is the logical next scene.  The world isn’t ready for that. They actually let him pass.  They’re his BFFs now.  They’re going to hang out with him and Aunt May and Judy.  Maybe J. Jonah Jameson needs some Roof Asians at the Daily Bugle. 

Byron himself seems to have fallen into a comatose state when his machine malfunctioned.  Byron is awaiting orders so Spider-Man tells Byron to go to the police and turn himself in which he does. 

This is like when you see World War II pictures of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini hanging out and having a good time together.

This is like when you see World War II pictures of Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini hanging out and having a good time together.

J Jonah Jameson and Captain Barberra shake hands.  I’m surprised they don’t just merge into one giant asshole right there.  Barberra says he had help from Spider-Man and the familiar JJ comes out calling Spider-Man a freak who should be locked up and he hopes Spider-Man will go back to wherever he came from.  Barberra says maybe JJ is right.  Judy finds Peter and apologizes for not listening to him and not returning his calls.  Barberra wants to talk to Parker about how he no-showed and yells at him and Parker then shows JJ the pictures of Spider-Man…

…with the Roof Asians.

Spider-Man, the Hentai Anime - coming soon!

Spider-Man, the Hentai Anime - coming soon!

Really?  REALLY?  Why?  JJ remarks that these pictures are incredible, meaning he’s probably going to jerk off to this later.  JJ asks how come Peter Parker is the only man who can get pictures of Spider-Man and he replies with “Simple.  I BELIEVE!” The shitty 1970s porno music plays as Parker and Judy run off to make nookie. I’m at a loss.  I am really not sure what the hell I just watched.   However, truthfully I can't be too hard on it because for its time this must have been really impressive albeit somewhat awkward and strange. Let's face it: despite having a shitty villain and some random Asians, this wasn't the worst thing that could happen to Spider-Man.

We narrowly dodged a bullet of this being a reality, after all. Is it weird that now I really want to find the difficult to track down TV series that launched from this TV movie?  Maybe I truly am a glutton for punishment.