a bit hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year. It’s not that I hate Christmas. But the past couple of years without my father have made me contemplative and for some reason my mother has turned into some sort of evil angry creature that rages against the earth. But I figure one way to feel better is to relax with some movies – and no I don’t mean sit around watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story – with all due respect to A Christmas Story I’ve seen it so many times I can replay the movie in my brain without the use of a television. At least a Christmas Story is a classic unlike all those horrible WWE Films about Christmas they’ve began producing that have people like The Miz in them.
There are some bad Christmas movies but it gets even worse and weirder when you try to mix Christmas and horror. Other than Gremlins (which I found more funny than scary), very few movies are able to actually to combine the best of both worlds. I mean “peace on earth” and “good will towards men” doesn’t usually mesh well with “blood, guts, gore, and disembowelment.” Usually the end result is something completely shitty which brings us to my subject matter:
1984’s generous donation to Christmas-Horror, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.
Sometimes I like my horror movies with extra cheese, though. It takes forever for this movie to start due to so many of the credits coming out. I think that this is a bad sign because when you’re crediting everyone at the beginning it means that you’re expecting people to leave before the end of the movie.
Things start off on Christmas Eve, 1971. A very happy family is driving out to visit grandpa, listening to Christmas Carols. This family is entirely too happy. Usually bad things happen to people who are “too perfect” for the sake of balance.
Cue Ricky, the world’s UGLIEST baby. Seriously, did this child’s mother smoke meth during her entire pregnancy? How hard is it to NOT cast an ugly baby? Whoever cast this baby should be fired! This is one of the ugliest children I’ve ever seen in my life. Is this Sloth from Goonies as a baby? The older child, Billy, asks about Santa Claus and if the family will be home from seeing Grandpa in time to catch Santa and if he can stay up to see Santa. The mother says “it’s naughty to stay up to see Santa” in the tone that says “I’m going let your father put it in my ass tonight, so no, you cannot stay up late.” But she does assure Billy that Santa Claus is going to bring him a “big surprise” tonight. Oh, that’s not foreshadowing at all.
The parents drive for what seems like forever until they get to the ever-dreaded UTAH MENTAL FACILITY. That sign is written as if it’s in fact the ONLY mental facility in the state of Utah. And these people aren’t saints. Clearly they are assholes who tucked grandpa as far away as humanly possible to the point they have to drive all fucking day long to see him. What kind of cunts do that? I mean why couldn’t you put Grandpa in a home close by? Oh… wait… it’s because UTAH ONLY HAS ONE MENTAL HOME IF WE ARE TO BELIEVE THE SIGN. Well, fuck.
Oh, excuse me. Apparently Grandpa is a Lawn Gnome. Lawn Gnomes don’t really count as people, so I guess it’s acceptable to tuck him away in the middle of nowhere. They try to talk to “Grandpa” who is apparently in a persistent vegetative state. Billy asks why Grandpa doesn’t talk to them, and they explain that he can’t hear them or react to which he asks “then what did we come for?”
Mom scolds Billy but he makes a good point. Apparently Grandpa’s vegetative state is partially due to masturbation-related illness as a zoom-out shows that his hand is constantly cupping his balls. I guess if I’m going to lose my mind, I’d like to go out having the solo orgasm of a champion, too. And since it’s Christmas, I guess you can name Grandpa Ebenezer Spooge.
The doctor shows up and asks Billy’s Dad to come review the records of Grandpa in his office. For some reason Mom goes as well. Clearly this has nothing to do at all with possibly declaring Grandpa brain-dead so they can get all his money before he officially croaks? And what kind of shitty parents do you have to be to leave the kid alone to begin with? If Grandpa isn’t lucid doesn’t this mean you’re leaving a FUCKING EIGHT YEAR OLD UNSUPERVISED! As everybody leaves Billy alone with Grandpa, he starts moving and his face lights up with happiness and joy. Oh shit! I know that look! Haven’t I seen that look on Herbert from Family Guy right before molestation jokes happen?!? Billy screams for Mom but Grandpa informs Billy that she can’t help Billy - nobody can!
Since this scene has to be seen to be understood how epic it really is, I decided to embed it above. Just trust me. Nothing I say will do it justice.
Say what you will about how “wrong” or “mean” Grandpa is, but the ultimate revenge after your kid and his wife stick you in a fucking home is to traumatize the shit out of the oldest kid. Frankly if my son tucked me away in the middle of a Generic Utah Mental Facility I’d probably scare the shit out of some people, too.
Of course it could also be revenge for the fact that even by 1971 standards his son looks and dresses like a huge douchebag. No one catches Grandpa in the act, because he’s just that damn good. Billy promises Grandpa he will be good from now on, and everyone leaves. And now that everyone’s gone, maybe Grandpa’s going to work his hand on that crotch.
The Douchebag family takes the long ride home and Billy asks Mom if she was ever naughty when she was little and she lets out that innuendo-filled “once or twice.” I bet Mom sucked dick like a fucking pro. Billy asks if Santa ever punishes people and tells on Grandpa then he flips out and says he doesn’t want to see Santa. I guess this means Billy is going to convert so he can celebrate a Happy Kwanza instead. Mom calls Grandpa a crazy old man and Billy said she was just naughty and Santa Claus will punish her now.
Meanwhile elsewhere a Santa Claus robber is about to blow some backwater gas station attendant’s brains out for cash.
Looking like that, this guy frankly deserved to die. We have too many ugly people on the planet as it is. Santa is pissed that all he got out of this was a measly $31. That’s right, that ugly loser’s life was only worth $31. Personally I think it’s worth less than that, so Santa shouldn’t feel too jipped. Is it me or is Dad putting his hand on Mommy’s head like he wants her to give him some road head while the kids are asleep?
Say what you will about his bad fashion sense, this dude’s a fuckin’ pimp. He's trying really hard to get that road head... with the kids still in the car. He's a fuckin' freak.
They pull over to see Santa Claus despite Billy begging Daddy not to stop and to keep going and drive past him. Of course the parents really don’t seem to care about their child and his fragile emotional state. Of course earlier they left him alone with a crazy person in a comatose state unsupervised so should this really surprise you?
Dad gets gunned down while Billy runs for it. Baby Ricky is crying and screaming in the car. Mom gets dragged out of the car and her shirt ripped open for no reason other than to expose her tits (rape does not take place). Mom slaps Santa Claus and gets her throat slit (rape of the corpse does not take place). Was there really a point to exposing her tits then? Santa leaves the kids alive, surprisingly. To be fair these kids might grow up to do great things. Just think of Batman - his parents were killed in front of him too and he learned and grew from that experience! Maybe, just maybe, Billy and Ricky can do some good in this world.
Three years pass and the children are now orphans at St. Mary’s Home for Orphaned Children. Okay, so Wayne Manor it isn’t. This is just proof money makes a difference, then. St. Mary’s Home for Orphaned Children is not to be confused with EdWood’s personally-financed Big Mary’s Home for Homosexual Children.
They are two different places to my knowledge.
Anyway, Billy is now an orphan who is clearly his father’s child due to his bad fashion sense and his amazing mullet. He also has the face of a fish. The kids are doing Christmas drawings but his is a disturbing scene of Santa Claus being murdered and the reindeer being decapitated. It’s actually not all that disturbing given that, I don’t know, HIS PARENTS WERE FUCKING KILLED BY SANTA CLAUS? But St. Mary’s doesn’t believe in psychiatry.
Mother Superior isn’t pleased with this drawing. She tells Billy he will learn what it is to be sorry very soon and sends him to his room. The other Sister, Margaret urges Mother Superior that everything he experienced is still haunting him. Mother Superior is not sympathetic and says that Billy must receive “proper training.” To do what, become a Jedi? Kid is fucked in the head, end of discussion. Sister Margaret tries to help Billy and claims Mother Superior only wants what’s best for him, and tells Billy it is okay to come out and play with the other children.
As Billy, who is apparently a level 22 wizard from the House of Gryffindor with his pimp scarf is coming out of his room, something happens...
Billy comes across PEOPLE HAVING SEX.
Nun-sex, in the orphanage? Epic. I’ve actually seen Nun Sex videos on Moviefap before… solely for research, of course.
Unfortunately for Billy he is caught by Mother Superior who rushes into the room and grabs the belt from the man’s pants so she can “punish” them. I bet Mother Superior is a sexual sadist. She’s old enough. Bitch has been around since the days of the Marquis De Sade. She probably joined in.
But there are things I don’t understand such as: a) who would have sex with this goof, b) why is it that room looks like a homeless person’s filthy hovel behind a dumpster somewhere and c) why the fuck are they just laying there instead of trying to escape Mother Superior’s wrath? Billy is horrified as Mother Superior gives chase. One of the kids teases Ricky and claims Billy is a nutcase.
Mother Superior explains her theory on naughtiness and tells Billy what they were doing was naughty and they thought they would not be caught but when we do something naughty we are ALWAYS caught. And then punished. Punishment is absolute. Punishment is necessary. Punishment is good. Umm... I told you bitch was chillin’ with the Marquis De Sade. Mother Superior punishes Billy not for witnessing sex but for leaving his room when he wasn’t told despite the fact Sister Margaret told him to do it.
Billy is punished. Remember kids, Jesus loves you, but Mother Superior just loves beating the shit out of you. That kid isn’t going to shit right for a month.
That night Billy screams and has re-occurring nightmares of his parents’ murder. He runs into the hallway and Mother Superior once again decides to punish him this time by tying him to the bedposts for more bondage innuendos. I’m pretty sure even in 1974 there were laws about this kind of shit, but Sister Margaret is also frightened of Mother Superior and stands idly by while Billy cries for help. The next morning is Christmas morning and Mother Superior is mumbling about how there is nothing but greed when there should be gratitude. She tells Margaret she is sure that her methods have worked and rehabilitated Billy – you know because beating the shit out of him with a belt and tying him to a bedpost all night are perfectly logical ways to treat a kid. She reveals she has invited Santa Claus to this party and intends to make Billy sit on Santa’s lap. She drags Billy kicking and screaming to Santa and demands he thanks Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick.
He thanks Santa alright, by FALCON-punching in him the fucking face full-strength. In 2010 shit like this would end up on YouTube. I simply can’t stop laughing. Ricky is prevented from running to his brother by Sister Margaret while Billy cries in the corner.
Mother Superior is coming and all we see is Billy’s look of horror - that or he is opening wide to have Santa’s dick in his mouth which I am sure Mother Superior would think is “curing him of his problem.” We never see her but I’m starting to think she showed up naked with Santa Claus’s likeness shaved into her nasty withered pubic hair. It’s now ten years later and we can only assume that every Christmas was like this for poor little Billy.
Sister Margaret is begging some schmuck at a Toy Store to give Billy a job now that he is legally 18 years old. Douchebag thinks Billy is just a kid and not a man and can’t possibly handle himself in a stock room lifting heavy objects.
Billy of course shows up looking like fuckin’ John Cena probably because he’s been training for years and years to get his revenge on Santa Claus. He’s given the job and a montage is shown of Billy lifting crates in the stockroom, helping children reach the top shelf and generally being a model employee. The music which plays is almost bad sitcom-ish. He even refuses alcohol and drinking on the job for drinking a nice whole carton of milk. I bet he likes pictures of bugs and only having sex in the missionary position, too.
Of course Perfect American Boy Billy... was just too good to be true.
What else can I really say other than... OWNED?!?
At least Billy, unlike John Cena, is willing to turn heel.
Billy meanwhile has a crush on a girl that looks like the 1980s version of Natalie Portman. This causes him to get harassed by the other guy who works in the storeroom who says Billy has a major attitude problem. After his argument which gets heated, he goes outside to find... Santa Claus.
Billy begins having one of his flashbacks to the night his parents were murdered and trips and falls in the store. The girl who is crushing on Billy checks up on him and is worried for his well-being. Billy returns to the storeroom where he continues to freak out.
He also begins to have sexual fantasies about his co-worker, also known as “typical male thought process.” I mean the typical male thinks about sex with women like fifty times a day. Hell it’s not even 5 p.m. and I’ve thought of the girl I’m seeing fucking me about 43 times already today! Sigh... I miss sex. Of course we don’t have dreams about Santa Claus killing us in the middle of sex, which Billy does. It’s now Christmas Eve and the owner of the Toy Store is told that the employee who plays Santa Claus is injured.
The Toy Store Owner, even though he’s fat and old and eligible to be Santa doesn’t want to do it. He asks Billy for help...
I hope these people are proud of themselves, I don’t see how though, because they’re two of the ugliest Jews I’ve ever seen. Why are they even celebrating Christmas?
Wow, just wow. That’s worse than the time my ex-girlfriend, and my two chick friends attacked me with makeup and feminine products.
...Well, almost. Ira gives Billy a pep-talk about being good with kids and to try not to scare the kids because there are some kids that are “silly” and believe Santa is scary. Making fun of Billy’s phobia surely can’t come back to bite this man in the ass later, can it? Billy demands a squirming kid stop it on the fidgeting and tells her she’s being naughty and he doesn’t bring toys to naughty children; he punishes them - SEVERELY. She calms down immediately when he says “stop it or I’ll have to punish you.” If this was as Facebook Status, Jared Fogle from Subway would like this.
Sister Margaret calls to find out how Billy is doing and is told that he’s been moved from the Stock Room to the Santa Costume and she immediately has an impending sense of dread and doom. It’s closing time at the store. The Toy Store Owner yells that it’s TIME TO GET SHITFACED as he locks everyone in. Some people should not be allowed to drink.
Umm... what about closing and going home and getting shitfaced somewhere that isn’t WORK on a cold winter day? This guy’s life probably sucks more than mine if he has such few friends he has to stay at work after houses to drink and socialize. You’re a horrible boss and you deserve to die. Billy takes a drink offered to him and his boss insists that when this party and night is over Billy will think he IS Santa Claus. Uh-oh!
What I don’t understand here is if Billy is so scared of Santa Claus, and hated having to do this, why the fuck didn’t he just take the costume off as soon as closing time hit? It’s really difficult to get “fuck me” eyes out of a woman while dressed like Santa, and I would have tried to impress the girl harder.
In fact, the other guy who works the storeroom immediately moves in on Billy’s territory-to-be right in front of him. So fuckin’ weak and like the hoe she is she immediately runs off with the guy to the back room. What a fucking slut! You know what she is? She’s a Storeroom Rat. She begins to make out with the sleazy son of a bitch while Billy watches and gets to hang with his lame boss who keeps reminding “Santa” what he’s supposed to do on Christmas Eve and he better get started. GO GET ‘EM SANTA! This guy has no idea what he has done.
Storeroom guy wants to give the girl a present in the back and he says it’s a present that’s not for everyone and she is going to love it. Cock. The gift that keeps on giving. While that’s going on I think the boss is trying to get his mack on with the ugly Jewish lady that works in his store. Yes he’s THAT drunk. And clearly that lonely. And sad. In the back the woman, whose name I haven’t picked up is begging Andy “don’t do this.” The problem is she really isn’t trying to push him off or get away; she’s just standing still and saying NO while he gropes her, like some sort of half-ass version of rape fantasy role-play. Finally he rips open her shirt.
I give those tits about a 5/10. Not spectacular. Why is it any tits before our era or early in our era aren’t very good? Storeroom Sleazebag attempts to rape her (well it looks more like prolonged sucking on titties) and Billy has a flashback to his mother’s shirt being ripped open. He finally snaps and goes off the deep end - with a war cry of “NAUGHTY” he hangs our would-be rapist up by Christmas lights and chokes him to deat
The girl looks on in horror. Yes, horror. Now I don’t know about you but most girls I know if they were in the middle of getting raped would shed no tears if someone KILLED the guy trying to commit rape in the middle of it. So what does this girl do instead? She cries and yells that Billy is CRAZY! YOU BASTARD! YOU’RE CRAZY! She then strikes Billy, the guy who just saved her. Not to mention if the guy IS in fact crazy do you really want to provoke him by slapping him in the face? Apparently this dumb bitch WANTED to get raped. Maybe she should have role-played better.
This leads to him gutting her with a box-cutter which is probably why box cutters are now banned from airports all over the world. While he kills her he informs her that “Punishment is necessary.” One she dies, the Boss wanders slowly to the back and receives a hammer to the skull, sharp-end first. Unfortunately, all we get to see on that is the blood spatter.
That leaves only THIS Goblin from World of Warcraft alive in the Toy Store. I hope Billy makes it messy. She should be killed solely for wearing that silly-looking hat. As the lights dim she thinks the boss is being romantic - because she hasn’t looked in a mirror to know her face looks like my asshole if I spread my cheeks after not wiping. She wanders to the back to find the dead bodies and tries to escape. Finally, she realizes she’s locked in. I don’t get this because all the windows in the store are made of pure glass and this is before the Plexiglass Revolution. She probably could have thrown ANYTHING through the window to get out, or even her own body. Instead she runs to the telephone to call 911... which is like 20 feet from the exit. Whoever she calls isn’t 911 because she’s begging them to ANSWER. Billy chases her with an axe. He manages to catch her hiding spot BECAUSE of her stupid hat or does he? As he goes after it, she knocks boxes on him and takes his axe but HESITATES before breaking the window.
This hesitation leads to Billy pulling some straight up John Rambo shit when all of a sudden he produces a fucking BOW AND ARROW from out of nowhere to shoot the bitch dead. Billy is pleased and why the hell not? If I had co-workers like those people I’d want them to not be alive anymore either.
Yes! Finally, we get a shot of the boss with the hammer through his skull! That guy was such a cunt that I needed to see him dead before this movie ended. Sister Margaret shows up too late. Billy is gone and people are dead. In another house some guy is having sex on a pool table.
Yeah, they’re totally going to die. A little girl asks Denise if she can stay up and see Santa Claus and Denise with her tits out snaps on the little girl and makes her go back to bed. Why is nudity just NOT good back in the day? This bitch is in her twenties and has the body of like an 85 year old woman. And this was NORMAL back then! She goes upstairs to let the cat in. That’s stupid. If my cats are outside my door while I’m about to have sex, then they are shit out of luck and are going to have to wait until I am finished. Unfortunately, that’s not all that was outside. Billy was too and he breaks down the door while yelling PUNISH!
Billy snatches the naked woman up (whose boyfriend conveniently doesn’t hear the screams of terror nor does her little sister) and he impales her on a deer head. The boyfriend finally realizes something is wrong and looks for his girlfriend. He even manages to find Ricky and get a few shots on him with a fire-poker but makes the classic mistake of not checking to make sure his enemy is dead before turning his back to call the cops. Billy begins to choke him with Christmas lights before finally deciding to throw him out a window instead. The little girl catches Billy and cheers for Santa Claus. He asks if she’s been good. She has been good and hasn’t done anything naughty. He considers stabbing her with his box cutter but instead HANDS IT TO HER. He smiles at her but she’s a bit confused. As he’s leaving the cops finally decide to try to find the Santa Claus killer. They see a man climbing through a window dressed like Santa.
I guess they want to make sure he’s not snatching their people up, trying to rape them.
The cops give chase and bust into the house (without a warrant) draw their guns, run up the stairs and hold Santa at gunpoint over a little girl. If this happened today, there would be hashtags about it and progressives demanding that the entire United States just abolish the concept of police. They realize as does the little girl it is her Daddy. What I would like to know is why “Daddy” had to stand over his little girl and try to touch her with a gloved hand if he was “playing Santa?” Something doesn’t add up here. But I’m not going to say anything. Billy hears sirens and realizes the cops are onto him. He hides low on the road and continues his quest. Out in the woods two dweebs are getting ready to play with their sleighs down a snowy hill.
Aren’t these kids just a little too old to get a thrill out of sleigh rides on little hills? By the time I was their age I was into comic books, videogames, pictures of naked ladies, and generally being awesome. It reminds me of how the Power Rangers were all like adults and learning stuff in high school meant for first graders.
First of all, the taller nerdy kid is a Boston Red Sox fan, so by default as a Bronx, New York native - to him I say “FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE OF AIDS.” Hey, I’m allowed. Sox fans were celebrating when Steinbrenner died so I give no sympathy.
The other kid needs to go back to the motherfuckin’ Shire with the other Hobbits. The kids are concerned because someone else is out here. They want to know who else would be out here this time of night on Christmas Eve... well YOU TWO dipshits are so apparently SOMEBODY comes out on Christmas Eve, dumb fucks. All of a sudden they get ambushed by TWO MORE DIPSHITS!
Nice hat, cunt. The two first kids remark “It’s Bob & Matt!” That has all the excitement of TNA wrestling’s Gunner & Murphy. Ok, so maybe not that bad. Bob & Matt probably have more charisma than those guys.
Bob & Matt have revealed their master plan - they followed the first two dweebs here so they can beat them up, take their sled and go sleigh riding themselves. Why? We’re still missing the point that sleigh-rides aren’t really interesting for anyone over the age of 10 unless it’s being done straight into a wall like something off Jackass, and since Jackass wasn’t invented yet, this clearly isn’t the case in 198-fucking-4. Bob and Matt beat up the first two dweebs and run them out of here. The dipshit in the hat goes first while his friend’s face lights up like he’s seeing something amazing.
If he smiles at him during sleigh riding like THIS, can you just imagine what other things he watches his friends do and gets off on? He probably would watch his friend have sex, too.
The next bully comes down on the second sled, cheering like a complete fucking moron. I wish someone would kill this douchebag and awesomely enough as if on cue, Billy decapitates him in mid sleigh-ride. The schmuck in the blue hat screams like a little girl. Unfortunately, he survives. Meanwhile back to the police station an old cop is frowning as Sister Margaret is asleep on a bench after telling her story. Margaret realizes that Billy must be on the way back to the orphanage to put an end to Mother Superior. One of the kids had an imaginary phone call in Mother Superior’s office so the phone is off the hook and there is no way to warn her. The cops rush to St. Mary’s before it’s too late. The veteran cop puts out orders on the dispatch to “SHOOT TO KILL” any Santa Claus at St. Mary’s. Santa arrives at the orphanage and the kids are all happy and astonished. But it’s OK - officer Kevin-Bacon-fifty-years-later is on the scene!
He sees Santa approaching and what does he do?
Before finding out if it’s Billy, he GUNS THE UNARMED SANTA DOWN IN THE BACK IN FRONT OF CHILDREN! Do you know how many police protocols this dumb motherfucker just violated, and the fact that the cops at dispatch said it was OK to do it?!? These might be the stupidest fucking police in a movie since the Police Academy films. I’m also pretty fucking sure that now all the kids who just saw Santa Claus get gunned down will also have psychological trauma and an increased likeliness to become psychotic themselves. Someone needs to throw up a #SantaClausLivesMatters hashtag on Twitter and demand social justice!!!
Sister Margaret points out that the Santa they killed was Father O’Brien and he’s fifty and deaf. SO YOU SHOT AN UNARMED DEAF SANTA WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE A PRIEST IN THE BACK IN FRONT OF CHILDREN, NOT ONCE BUT THREE FUCKING TIMES! Needless to say these are some inept motherfuckers. Mother Superior pulls rank on the cops. Legitimately. The dumb cop goes around the side of the orphanage looking for Billy. Mother Superior points out how glad she is that Ricky isn’t anything like his older brother (message!). She leads the children to sing Christmas carols. Meanwhile Billy disposes of the trigger-happy, idiot cop with an axe to the chest.
He then kills an innocent snowman. Now that’s just going too far!
Billy convinces a dumb kid to open the door for Santa Claus and Billy has arrived, axe in hand. The children are not afraid as Billy means them no harm. Mother Superior demands the kids come to her. Ricky realizes that Santa is Billy and looks on in horror while Mother Superior shouts THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS, which totally has to traumatize the kids further to find out. Unfortunately, before Mother Superior can get the axe to the face she deserves “Captain McStupidShootingStance” guns Billy down, causing the children to watch Santa get MURDERED for the second time today.
Mother Superior doesn’t seem remotely regretful and snatches her arm almost glad that Billy is dying, whom she tormented during his whole life, but Sister Margaret feels pain and remorse. Well maybe if she did her fucking job and tried to help Billy instead of let Mother Superior torture his ass, he’d be okay. Maybe they should have found him a fucking loving home before he turned 18.
Billy dies telling the children they are safe and Santa is gone and that they are safe. It’s over. Or is it?
The last thing we see is Ricky standing over the axe and his brother. He looks at Mother Superior and says “NAUGHTY.” Mother Superior? BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP! Our movie comes to an end but the series has just begun. They made FIVE of these films, and while I don’t intend to wade through all five films, you can rest assured that for GARBAGE DAY, I will be bringing you a review of Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2!!!