It's Not an Exaggeration: Minions is definitely the WORST Thing Ever Made.

Being an adult I don’t know much about modern cartoons other than the fact they’re all made solely with CG, which to me does not technically count as a cartoon; I consider that a “CG movie.”  Despite this I can admit an appreciation for the Shrek series, Toy Story, and Big Hero 6 wasn’t too bad since I’m kind of a comic nerd anyway.  However, there’s a line in the sand that must be drawn and that line is the blight on the Internet known as Minions. 

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No, not Doron the Minion, who has appeared on previous episodes of Asked, and went viral for eating corn while having sex with a girl.  I wonder how many people searched for the cartoon and actually found this instead.  I’m hoping it was a lot. 

Minions are these little yellow butt-plug looking things that apparently debuted in the film Despicable Me and somehow became popular enough to get their own franchise, simply dubbed “Minions.”  For some reason there are a lot of grown people that think these things are “cute.”  I personally don’t see the appeal at all, so color me shocked when the girl I’m seeing informed me the person she was previously involved with dragged her to see Minions.  He’s 26.

I can’t imagine voluntarily sitting through this movie unless you have kids.  I get it if you have kids.  It becomes a completely different thing.  But why would a grown ass man willingly take his girlfriend to see this film?  What the hell is wrong with people?

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You can’t seem to get away from Minions.  There are ugly Minions shirts made for adults (that’s just sad), they’re on the front of cereal boxes, and hell they had their own Monopoly-game-style sweepstakes at McDonalds.  There’s also the fact Amazon was pushing an entire family of Minions costumes for Halloween, even for the dog.

This is the saddest I’ve ever seen a dog since that Sarah McLachlan commercial that nobody likes. 

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But as I sit here and I try to tell myself “well, I get it if it’s for the kids,” I start to think NO, I DON’T GET IT, mainly because when I was growing up the cartoons I grew up on were INFINITELY COOLER THAN THIS.  That being said I’m told Minions is absolutely stupid and as many of you know I’ll actually watch something stupid for the sake of writing new content here on the site.  But for this one, I decided to do something a little bit different, because of the fact that I am genuinely perplexed and saddened by society’s desire to get rid of good vs. evil in cartoons or swords, or guns, or fighting, or any sort of epic feeling in favor of buttplugs with eyeballs getting into wacky hijinks.  Therefore I’ve decided that while I watch the abomination known as Minions I will also be watching Transformers the Movie simultaneously on my other laptop so that I can bring you not only my commentary on this crap, but my MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE parallels just so show you how much cooler shit was in 1986. Here we go. 

As you can tell I am thrilled.

I see these credits explaining these buttplug creatures and I’m already moderately to heavily annoyed, and may never be able to listen to the song “So Happy Together” ever again.  This is hell.  I immediately hate myself immensely and am not sure how my girlfriend put up with this shit without breaking up with that dude like immediately.  We are told Minions have many names like Dave, Carl, Paul, Mike and Norbit. 

I can actually feel, Carl, my dead father, rolling in his fucking grave. Apparently Minions serve the “most despicable master they can find” and now it makes sense why these ugly little shits are fucking everywhere because they serve Corporate America. 

The immediately latch onto a Tyrannosaurus Rex, which I assume is like having herpes.  I want to point out for the record if I woke up one morning and had Minions on my dick I’d cut it off and you can start calling ME Caitlyn, too.  The minions kill the T-Rex by accident and we don’t even see the T-Rex get melted by fucking lava.

MEANWHILE IN TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE:

The planet Lithone is devoured by Unicron, a giant robotic sentient planet that lives only to consume and destroy.  It’s some bad-ass shit.  He just destroyed an entire fucking race of people by eating them all.  Also we get a badass Transformers 1980s rock intro theme.  So… the Minions killed one T-Rex, but Unicron just killed millions of sentient beings in the span of like 5 minutes. 

We continue to get a history lesson on how Minions began to serve man and created the pyramids and accidentally killed a bunch of people in doing so.  They apparently also served Dracula at some point. 

Why is Dracula’s head shaped like a phallus?  Do I even want to know?  If I were a vampire and woke up in this movie I’d go out to get a suntan immediately.  Fuck my afterlife.  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS:

Optimus Prime who is the fucking George Washington of Transformers is on the screen.  Basically just by being Optimus Prime he’s the greatest fucking thing ever.  He’s informing Ironhide to do what he says because he’s FUCKING OPTIMUS PRIME and who the fuck are you to say no to that?  The Minions accidentally introduce Dracula to sunlight.  They did him a favor.  I’d rather be dead.  We see the Minions somehow end up in a wintery paradise after pissing pretty much everyone off and they do stupid things.  I haven’t laughed even once as we’re told the Minions made their own civilization – so if we shipped everyone with autism to an iceberg is this what would happen?

Apparently without a master, Minions get depressed.  Unfortunately none have committed suicide yet.  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFOEMRS THE MOVIE:

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, Starscream and the rest of the Decepticons have just intercepted an Autobot spaceship and MURDERED Brawn, Prowl, Ratchet, and Ironhide.  This was serious business because up until this point nobody actually DIED In Transformers; most of the time the Autobots and Decepticons would fire at each other and miss most of their gunfire.  Even if you got shot in Transformers it was usually just to give you mild irritation and was never fatal.  Brawn died from getting shot in the FUCKING SHOULDER.  That’s hardcore.  SHOULDERDEATH.  Also NRG’s “Instruments of Destruction” plays the entire time while Megatron, the biggest opponent of gun control to ever exist, transforms into a gun and fucking takes out everyone.  This motherfucker just invented STAND YOUR GROUND LAWS.  Fucking loved Megatron.  If Optimus can be considered George Washington, Megatron was fucking Hitler, and damn good at it.

The Minions apparently speak a language that sounds like if Japanese people were all retarded and smelling anal boy butt sex jars (the Japanese love shit like this actually, see below):

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This exists.  And I’d rather smell it for 90 minutes than continue to watch this film.  The Minions are arguing about some shit but since they talk in some sort of cross between Japanese-Autist-and-AIDS I don’t understand them, I just know there are fart jokes, a narrator, and horrible little yellow buttplug things as they plan to set out to find a new master.

Kevin, Stewart, and I think Bob? (I don’t know, I don’t give a shit about their names) set out on their journey.  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE:


We are introduced to the only thing in Transformers that is almost as obnoxious as minions, Daniel Witwicky, Spike’s obnoxious annoying kid.  He and Hot Rod, who might have been the coolest looking Autobot ever in car form are making their way back to Autobot City to the musical stylings of Stan Bush’s “Dare,” (I own this soundtrack, fuck you).

Horrible scenes ensue of the three Minions travelling through various terrain.  It’s just an annoying montage where nothing really happens.  Their goal is to find a truly evil master.  They also have to cross the ocean.  At this point we get a lot of the Minions talking to each other in their retard language which is annoying as fuck – how the fuck are you going to have a movie like this and not at least have some fucking subtitles?  How many kids started watching these things and now speak fluent retard? This feels like it would be damaging to the brain.

We see the Minions walk past a photo of Richard Nixon in 1968 and I have a feeling somehow this movie will turn into a political statement GO LIBERAL OR GO HOME if Nixon is in fact whom they are looking for.  Fuck that shit.  Let’s go ahead and make the kids into pussies now while they’re young, right?  MEANWHILE IN TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE:

Arcee, Springer, Perceptor, Blur and Ultra Magnus are trying to keep Autobot City from being destroyed from the invading wave of Decepticons and Autobots are actually DYING out here.  Now in these days, we hadn’t quite seen DEATH in Transformers yet, and parents were a little annoyed their kids were crying at which time the creators of Transformers essentially said “deal with it.” They didn’t issue a formal apology and pull the movie.  I miss the 1980s for that reason.

Literally nothing is going on in this Minions movie.  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE:

Megatron didn’t need no fucking stinking Autistic Minions. He had the Insecticons, giant robots that turn into bugs and eat through walls.  I fucking loved the Insecticons mainly because the only thing that is worse than a bug infestation is when your bugs are robots that can multiply at an alarming rate and even use mind control on you. 

 

I can’t help but think as I watch this awful crap that at least if there were subtitles for the Minions kids could fucking learn how to read or something.  Instead they are learning how to be fucking idiots.  While this is rotting my brain at least the Transformers are having action and speaking in a fucking language I can understand.   The facial expression on the long one for people with deep buttholes is the same facial expression that that kid wore who shot up the church a few months ago.

Watches Minions once...

Watches Minions once...

When retard attacks.  MEANWHILE IN TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE

 Blaster debuts the new Autobot Cassette Tapes because he’s tired of getting his ass kicked by the Decepticon ones that have existed forever up until this point.  This was actually really badass as Soundwave outclassed Blaster in every way up until this point.

The Minions have to go to a Villain Convention in Orlando Florida, because obviously Universal is hitting a cheap plug for their own shit by doing so.  MEANWHILE IN TRANSFORMERS:

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Windcharger and Wheeljack have been shot or eaten by Insecticons and are actually DEAD.  Right now I wish I WAS DEAD so I didn’t have to watch the rest of Minions while they try to find a way to go to Orlando.  Every once in a while the retarded Minions say something like “banana” or “papaya” but generally the gibberish speak is fucking murder on my brain cells. 

The Minions are hitchhiking to Florida which makes me wish they would be captured, kidnapped and killed by a Florida Man (we all know people in Florida are maniacs).  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE:


Devastator. Devastator was the shit.  6 small robots that turn into 1 big robot that just fucks everything up.  If you had all 6 Constructicons and were able to put the Devastator toy together without it completely falling down on itself you were a fucking G.  Devastator was the fucking SHIT.  And if the Constructicons turned into Devastator you know SHIT WAS GOING DOWN.

 

The Minions try to hitch a ride from a giant red semi truck which I almost feel like since I’m watching Transformers at the same time is Optimus Prime’s way of saying “fuck you you little yellow pieces of shit.” I want to point out at the same time these little stupid shits are hitching a ride, the DINOBOTS are trying to MURDER Devastator.  But Devastator is actually beating the shit out of Dinobots.  The two fight to a stalemate.

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MEGATRON MUST BE STOPPED NO MATTER THE COST.  In the single most badass scene ever Optimus Prime snaps on these Decepticons and pays back all the murder.  He literally starts running people the fuck over and shooting them left and right leading to an epic showdown with Megatron where only one can survive.  ONE WILL STAND, ONE WILL FALL.  As a kid I felt the tension of this.  Someone was going to die tonight.  The best villain of the 1980s vs the best good guy of the 1980s and only one was going to make it out of here.  You do not understand the way this shit got to me as a kid.

Meanwhile the Minions are saying shit in retard speak, and hitching a ride with a family full of retards which probably resembles the average person who wanted to see this film.  That giant fat cartoon kid with the bowl cut is a school shooting waiting to happen.  Also since the daughter is a ginger but neither the mother nor the father is I’m pretty sure that the wife got dick from Ronald McDonald at some point behind her husband’s back.  I’m really overthinking this because I need something to get my mind off of how fucking awful this is. 

Apparently the family are secretly a bunch of bank robbers.  But MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS Hot Rod has to help Optimus Prime (no he doesn’t, as Kup informs him its Optimus Prime’s fight and he has to stay out of it).  Megatron and Prime are literally killing each other.  Meanwhile the Minions are trying to help this family get away with their crime and blow some shit up with a bazooka.  The cops end up in a massive accident.

The Minions are asked what their purpose is, MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS…

Megatron begs Prime for mercy to try to stall to get his hands on a pistol one of the Decepticons dropped when Prime shot them all.  Hot Rod jumps in the way and Megatron uses him as a human shield.  Since Prime won’t risk shooting one of his own Megatorn basically blasts the shit out of Prime repeatedly and tells him it’s over and in a final act of defiance Optimus Prime uppercuts Megatron off of a fucking cliff with a double-axehandle smash to the face.

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You don’t understand what this did to my psyche.  Optimus Prime vs. Megatron is probably why I’m so fucked up today.  Prime falls down in a heap while Hot Rod begs him for forgiveness.  Starscream kicks the unconscious Megatron while he’s down and is already planning to assume leadership.

In probably a rare moment that still makes me actually tear up for the BAD GUYS, Soundwave, arguably the most loyal Decepticon ever, carries the dying Megatron back to the ship while Rumble carries Megatron’s giant arm cannon.  To this fucking day I cannot watch the fallout from Prime vs. Megatron without actually starting to cry.  Fuck you, it’s still real to me damn it.

Meanwhile the Minions are on my screen doing AUTISM SHIT. Fuck you Minions.

The Minions want to work for a female, probably so they can be used as sex toys.  Meanwhile Perceptor has just informed us Optimus Prime’s wounds are fatal and he’s going to die.  THANKS HOT ROD, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.  KUP FUCKING TOLD YOU NOT TO GET INVOLVED.

The Minions arrive in Orlando.  None of the jokes in this whole Minions film are even funny.  I haven’t laughed at anything that’s happened in Minions.  They have arrived at the Villain Convention.  The minions are doing stupid shit like making paper cut out masks and trying to pass it off as “talent.”  No wonder kids these days aren’t good at shit.  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE.

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Optimus Prime turned gray and died. That's probably what will happen to me if I don't turn this stupid fucking movie with the yellow retards off.

This group of Pedophiles keeps spawning more pedophiles by bringing their future self back in time to join them, thus creating NAMBLA.  They accidentally kill one of their own… the original, and they all cease to exist.  I’d be amused if this was any movie other than Minions. The Minions go to obsess over Scarlet Overkill and this whole thing just seems dumb as shit.  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE:

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Starscream convinces the Decepticons that in order to survive the long trek home they need to get rid of the weak and the dying now because the ship is overcrowded.  Anyone who Optimus Prime fucked up royally is tossed out, including Megatron who Starscream has convinced the rest of the Decepticons is dead.   Megatron is not dead and hits his trademark line of “Wait… I STILL function,” but Starscream doesn’t want to hear that shit and throws Megatron out too, leading to a lot of fighting over who the new leader should be.  The possible end of Megatron was some serious shit, and felt just as bad as Prime dying.

On Minions everyone in the movie is horny for this Scarlet bitch and it turns into a fucking FEMINIST RANT on how Scarlet was told that a woman could never rob a bank as good as a man and now here she is.  REALLY?  I like my 1980s cartoons better because they were about making a good cartoon instead of sneaking social justice political agendas into shit.  I mean, look at this Minions crap.  You can’t understand 75% of the movie because the main characters speak fluent retard, and then the few characters that fucking speak English give you fucking feminist rants? 

This kind of shit is why everything is retarded.  Give me back my cartoons with guns and swords and good vs. evil – ACTUAL good versus evil instead of this “hey, we’re little butt plug things looking for someone diet-Coke-of-evil to serve.” While the speech about diversity in villains is going on, Megatron, dying and drifing through space has discovered UNICRON.

Unicron tells Megatron he has summoned him.  Megatron says NOBODY summons Megatron and Unicron is pleased to be the first.  Unicron orders Megatron to destroy the Autobot Matrix, an artifact passed from leader to leader, which Optimus Prime has passed on to Ultra Magnus.  Unicron explains that in exchange for his help, he will give Megatron a new body and new troops to command. 

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Unicron turns Megatron into GALVATRON and turns the rest of the dead Decepticons into Scourge and Cyclonus.   What amazes me about Transformers is the fact that even though this film was an obvious marketing ploy to sell a lot of new toys they managed to mask that well by having an actual PLOT and characters who were interesting.  The Minions aren’t interesting because they don’t really HAVE personalities, just three random stupid things that all do the same kinds of stupid things with the same name.

The Minions are having a wacky fight scene.  I want to put my head in an oven.  Scarlet manages to be impressed by the Minions.  Because she’s retarded.  And if you liked this film you’re retarded.  And I hate you.  And I am judging you harshly.  Scarlet is headed to England.  By the way since Scarlet is voiced by Sandra Bullock it makes me wish that she went under 50 mph and the bus blew up in Speed.  MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE…

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Starscream in a ridiculous cape and with a crown of rubies has decided he is being CORONATED the new leader of the Decepticons.  Megatron never needed a cape or a crown; what is this lame ass shit?  It doesn’t matter because Starscream’s Coronation has been interrupted by Galvatron (voiced by Leonard Nimoy who actually gives Megatron’s usual voice guy, Frank Welker a run for his money).  Galvatron says this coronation is “bad comedy.” 

…Have you seen Minions yet, Galvatron?  Starscream realizes it has to be Megatron under there, and Megatron responds by shooting Starscream so hard he FUCKING DISINTEGRATES and then stepping on his stupid crown.  Galavatron has regained control of the Decepticons and also fucking MURDERED Starscream like he was a sack of shit.

 

Meanwhile the Minions are doing a singing and dancing routine which is ridiculous since it’s not in English and is in their retard language. 

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Apparently Scarlet is married to Herb who is a dick-nose-Joe-looking guy or something.  I don’t care. Unicron is eating Cybertron’s moons and Spike after trying to blow Unicron up is so shocked he actually CURSES in the cartoon and says “Aw shit, what are we going to do now?”  that would never fly in cartoons today because we live in the Outrage Generation which is why autism cartoons like Minions exist.

Scarlet wants to steal the Queen of England’s crown.  That doesn’t seem near as evil as MEANWHILE ON TRANSFORMERS UNICRON IS FUCKING EATING ENTIRE PLANETS AND MOONS. 

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Galvatron is furious at Unicron informing him that Cybertron and all its moons belong to Galvatron and are off limits.   Scourge reminds Galvatron that “WE belong to HIM” as Unicron unveils his ability to cause Galvatron enormous pain and seizures (in other words he makes Galvatron watch Minions) any time he feels like to ensure that he obeys.  Galvatron decides to do what Unicron asked him to and go after Ultra Magnus.

I keep hoping that these things are marching to a Concentration Camp somewhere.  The sad part is I’m only 37 minutes into this.  Which means I’m only a little over a 3rd of the way through.  I don’t think I’m going to make it through this.

NOT. GONNA. MAKE IT.  Nope. Fucking can’t do it.  This is mind-numbing.  This makes me want to kill myself.  Can’t fucking do it.  Over the years I have endured watching the horrible porn movies known as One Night In Chyna, I’ve gone to horrible websites like Gimps Gone Wild, I’ve reviewed an instructional video teaching retards how to have sex, and I’ve even watched Precious from beginning to end.  But Minions are where I draw the line. 

They’re definitely evil, but evil in the way that they are the thing that should not be and a confirmation that society itself has gone full retard.  I seriously couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t make it through the whole thing.  I feel like if you’re over the age of 6 and can make it through the whole thing and not feel MISERABLE you’re already dead inside.    I seriously feel miserable from having watched it.  I feel actual pain.  How did this ever become a thing?  Can we execute the people responsible?  We SHOULD.  I think we should show this movie to people in prison to get them to stop committing crimes.  I can’t do it.  If you want to show someone how much you hate them buy this film for them.  Then again the people you hate probably LIKE this movie.  I know I HATE anyone who likes this movie after watching 40 minutes of it.  I hate myself for watching half of it.  Tremendously.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit in the shower and cry. And mourn the death of Optimus Prime and all things awesome some more.