Why the Fuck Would I Want a “Smart Watch?” That’s the Stupidest Idea Ever!

Samsung-Galaxy-Gear-Review-071.jpg

A few years back, Samsung tried to get into the Smart Watch market with Galaxy Gear, and Apple and its users said the idea was dumb… because you know, an idea is ALWAYS dumb to Apple and its users unless Apple came up with it.  Which leads us to now and a very strong ad campaign for the Apple iWatch, where I see this commercial on the air way too often:

The Apple iWatch – allowing crackheads to record and sell their mixtape in real time.  Wonderful.  As if I don’t have enough of that shit on the South side of town.  Although to be fair with a hefty damn near $300-500 price tag, who in the ghetto can really afford a watch to do that?  How many welfare children does one need in order to justify this purchase between their $250 Jordans and iPhone 4S Obama Editions?

I think my big problem with the watches is they’re corny and goofy, and something out of bad old sci-fi films but on top of that it feels gaudy, unnecessary and overwhelming in excess.  I always hear reviewers talk about how the world of Dick Tracy is among us.

Dick Tracy also wore bright ass yellow flasher clothes. But that doesn't seem to be coming in style, now is it?

Dick Tracy also wore bright ass yellow flasher clothes. But that doesn't seem to be coming in style, now is it?

That’s great and all but is Dick Tracy even still cool or relevant?  Who gives a shit?  The thing is, I don’t want to talk into my fucking watch.  If I need to send a text, make a call, browse the Internet, isn’t the phone I already paid way too much money for enough?  Why do I need a watch, and why do people think it’s a good idea?

unnamed.jpg

This is my watch.  It cost $10 at Wal-Mart.  Do you know why I wear a cheap watch?  Several reasons.  For starters if someone sees I have an expensive watch they might try to ROB ME THINKING I HAVE MONEY TO SPEND ON STUPID SHIT (they need the watch to record their new mixtapes after all) and I don’t want to get murked like Batman’s parents.

HE SAID JEWELRY.

HE SAID JEWELRY.

Secondly, I’m a guy.  As a guy, I may have to do guy things that involve working with my hands, like fixing a toilet, or changing a tire on a car, or lugging something heavy around. 

Yeah, this guy could do with a $500 smart watch. I'm sure that would be a wise investment.

Yeah, this guy could do with a $500 smart watch. I'm sure that would be a wise investment.

That being said, my wrist, and my watch, which aren’t that far from my hand are almost always in positions and predicaments where my watch MIGHT get fucked up.  So why would I want a $500 watch to get fucked up?  Have you seen how easy an IPhone breaks if you drop it like ONE TIME without a case?

iBreak

iBreak

Yeah… Way to go.  Anyway, I think the fact we can wear overpriced electronic computer-watches says:  we’re too lazy to work with our hands, we’re too lazy to reach into our pockets for our phones, and also that we’re just a bunch of assholes.

This was food for thought.  Anyway, if you own a smart-watch, I’m judging you. Harshly.