That Celebrity Chick You're Obsessed With Annoys Me.

Sometimes, being a guy sucks – because we are looked at as a whole and thus women in their immense guarded-ness and shallowness seem to have no ability to distinguish men with good personalities and brains from the mongoloids of the Internet, barely able to complete a full sentence, whose idea of entertainment are Drake memes, and whose first words in a conversation are “hey nice tits,” or simply showing a girl a photo of their dick. 

Unfortunately, regular girls are made shallow through all the ego-boosting and celebrities – well celebrities were always revered but the celebrity worship in this day and age has gotten out of hand to a point I wonder what kind of crack people are smoking that they fixate and obsess over famous people.  I personally find famous people rather uninteresting.  Give me someone in my reality whom I speak to and talk to all the time and have a shot with.  I’ll take that over jerking off to someone who gets paid a million dollars to do nothing and has no idea I exist any day of the week.

Some of the celebrities who are worshipped are among the most overrated and annoying people ever, and I don’t know if it’s that we hear about them too much because social media gives everybody an instant platform but I’m going to go over my short list of female celebrities whom quite frankly annoy the shit out of me.

Beyonce

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Beyonce is the first overrated woman that comes to mind.  Mainly because of the fact that many people refer to her on social media as some kind of “queen.”  Queen of what?  Of looking like Vigo the Carpathian at a Super Bowl halftime show a few years back?  What makes her really annoying is her pretentiousness to believe she actually IS some kind of queen, and even her demands to ban the word “bossy” as it is clearly “sexist” because nobody told her “bossy” can apply to men too.  Aside from that her hair is about as real as aliens, and looks like she shaved a horse’s ass to make it happen.  As a musical talent she’s moderately talented at best, but she takes the cake as possibly the most overrated woman of the 21st century.   The only thing she's queen of are of annoying assholes on social media.

EVERY KARDASHIAN EVER.

How much black dick do you think has been sucked if we total all of the ones who have fucked all of them in this picture? 

How much black dick do you think has been sucked if we total all of the ones who have fucked all of them in this picture? 

The Kardashians are pretty much the worst people on earth.  Kim looks like she’s been embalmed, Khloe looks like a fucking wilderbeast, Kourtney just kind of floats around, kind of like when you take a huge shit and flush it and one little section of feces pops back up.  Then you have Kendal and Kylie Jenner, who are only popular because they’re not as old as the other three.  But really aren’t even remotely all that hot.  The only reason this family is even famous is because they have a reality television show, suck a lot of black dick and nobody will shut up about them.  I’m keeping them alive just by posting this paragraph.  And let’s not forget that one of the Kardashian women is actually A DUDE. WITH A DICK.

I already blasted Bruce… err… Caitlyn Jenner in his/her/it/whatever’s own article.  For the money that was used for all Bruce’s surgeries, we should have just put him in a NASA rocket and shot him into the sun and let him fucking burn to a crisp so we’d never have to hear from him again and I wish he had taken the rest of his fucking shitty family with him.

Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes

Oops. Wrong photo.  If they still looked like that it might be justifiable.

Oops. Wrong photo.  If they still looked like that it might be justifiable.

What the fuck is THIS shit?!?

What the fuck is THIS shit?!?

These two get to share an entry much like they probably share crack needles.  Aside from both looking like they both had freak accidents where they were covered in glue and thrown down the worst aisles in the Salvation Army their appeal to the mainstream  is that they are former child stars who grew up, did a little too much drugs and became possessed by alien lizard people.  If you want to spot the person who smokes weed too much and too often, just pull up a picture of Miley or Amanda and look to see who gets a boner over them.  Their only appeal is to people who think they’d put out because they look like walking piles of human waste.  I’m absolutely sure Miley is infected with an alien parasite.  You can’t tell me Miley Cyrus doesn’t look like she lays eggs.  She probably owns about three ovipositors.

Those things are the creepiest sex toys ever.  Amanda Bynes is sort of the Diet Coke of Miley Cyrus as her run of being an insane nutjob seems to have come later and had less impact, and she spends way too much time looking like Goldust from the WWE.

The only good thing to come out of Miley Cyrus turning into THE CREATURE is the meme someone made of her twerking while her father makes a sad face.

I wish I could go back in time and castrate Billy Ray Cyrus but apparently, so does he.

Scarlet Johannson

The photo where Scarlet Johnannson was handed a cum tribute is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

The photo where Scarlet Johnannson was handed a cum tribute is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

I don’t think Scarlet is a bad looking woman at all.  But she’s overrated and let’s be fucking honest here.  Would anyone still give a shit about her if she wasn’t wearing the Black Widow costume in the Avengers films?  Didn’t think so.  I admit that the Widow costume looks good on her.  But it would also look good on any pretty girl out there.  You're not really attracted to Scarlet as much as the "idea of Scarlet."

She didn't even bother to learn a fucking Russian accent for this role.  5/10.

She didn't even bother to learn a fucking Russian accent for this role.  5/10.

Because of her prominent role in these films, nerds pander to the Black Widow CHARACTER BECAUSE they have such a boner for Scarlet with constant complaints that “she needs a bigger role.”  No. She doesn’t.  Widow isn’t a B-Level Avenger at best.  If you read a fucking comic instead of based your opinions on the pair of tits and ass in the movie that you want to see more of you’d know that. Also, all you idiots who want to jerk off to her should just check her filmography; she’s naked in like 50 percent of her films.  Under the Skin, likely being one of the most recent ones.  Go jerk off to the scene with her and former Asked guest Adam Pearson, jerk off and take a cold shower.

Ariana Grande

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...because she looks 12. Next!

Ronda Rousey

I wrote a whole article on this one.  You can read it here.  Guys get boners because she can fight.  And that’s great that she can beat up a bunch of people but masculine women really aren’t sexually attractive to me, and she seems like the type who burps and farts a lot and I’m the kind of guy who wants to believe in the lie that women never take shits.  She seems like she measures hers. 

Yo lady, you're like... rich.  Get that fucking thing fixed. I'm begging you.

Yo lady, you're like... rich.  Get that fucking thing fixed. I'm begging you.

Also that little growth/wart thing under her eye creeps me out.  I’m not even being mean about it; my eyes fixate on it every time I see her on television.  No doubt, I think Ronda would be nice to play Street Fighter II with or talk about our favorite Steven Segal movies, but I’d probably have about the same sexual level of attraction to her as I would for my grandmother.

Emilia Clarke

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Emilia Clarke was recently named as the Sexiest Woman Alive in 2015 (according to Esquire magazine).  Of course these awards aren’t really decided by the public but by a panel of editors somewhere.  While I love Clarke’s performance in Game of Thrones as Daenerys Targaryen, I also feel like she has never wowed me in any other role that she’s ever played; certainly not her shitty Sarah Connor in the god-awful Terminator Genisys film.  How did she get “sexiest woman alive?” Because a bunch of idiots on Twitter change their display name to KHALEESI every time Games of Thrones has a new season? While she’s not an ugly girl, I feel like she’s only really interesting as her Game of Thrones character – also the internet went nuts because she went nude to celebrate being Sexiest Woman Alive…

…her tits are like in the first episode of the show.  Why is this important like we haven’t seen her naked ever before?  Oh and for the record in the books, all her hair gets burnt off early on, but we couldn’t do that because we didn’t want her to look like a space alien, which reminds me of the NEXT person on this list.

Amber Rose

Maybe I just don’t like the bald/almost bald look on a chick, maybe it’s because it's because her tattoos come off as the generic black girl “pick and choose at random” variety.  Maybe it’s because she smokes cigarettes (which is gross to me, sorry not sorry), or maybe it’s because she’s legitimately shaped like the alien people from the old sci-fi show Alien Nation.   

I wonder if she’s the one who impregnated Miley with the alien eggs.

Jennifer Lawrence

So arrogant.  So pretentious.  So overrated.  Jennifer Lawrence captured the hearts of the millennials by being “worst Mystique” in the X-Men Films (Rebecca Romijn was infinitely better in the role) and by being Katniss Everdeen in the movie adaptations of The Hunger Games.  However, she just comes off as one of the most annoying people to speak to on the face of the earth.

Jennifer Lawrence tries to talk about fat shaming a lot – and says by Hollywood standards she is considered fat.  Yeah but a lot of skinny girls weigh more than Jennifer Lawrence (which is fine) and look up to her.  So what we have are average sized girls who listen to this pretentious moron and now feel like they are fat.  Congratulations Jen, you’ve actually made the problem worse by saying that, dipshit.

This photo is just... weird and confusing and awkward.  Who the heck got excited over this and why?

This photo is just... weird and confusing and awkward.  Who the heck got excited over this and why?

Lawrence’s nudes were leaked in the Fappening with her taking so many nudes one must wonder if Jen actually has any pictures of herself with clothing actually on.  She then took to the press to tell us the entire Internet is to blame (as opposed to, you know, the assholes that hacked her, or Apple for having such an easy to hack iCloud system) and that we all raped her by looking at the pics - not people who jerked off, people who simply LOOKED at the photos - (which a lot of people were compelled to out of sheer curiosity).  Yeeeaahhh… no.  I’ve seen your butthole, Jennifer Lawrence and it’s really not that impressive.  At all.  Props on keeping up with your anal bleaching, though.  Oh, and there’s also that whole thing about her whining she got paid less than other actors in a movie where she had a smaller part (and blamed the entire thing on being a woman).

People think Lawrence is a 10, but I’d say she’s an eh/10 at best, and her personality is ranging somewhere in the negative numbers due to her being annoying.  I imagine that the conversations you could have with her are somewhere down there between “Corky from Life Goes On” and “Boring Publix Employee.”

"Corky is love... Corky is life." --Landin, 2015

"Corky is love... Corky is life." --Landin, 2015

Corky probably knows how to take better nudes than Jennifer Lawrence, too.

Anyway, in closing, celebrities aren’t the be-all-end-all of life.  And I think as a whole we put way too much importance on them, especially NOW that we have social media as an outlet with which to put these people on a pedestal.  I’m not saying not to enjoy them in film roles but what I am saying is they’re really not worth emulating, worshipping, or treating like they’re all that special. 

You know what I find to be a nice fantasy?  It's not any of the celebrities above.  But actual girls, in real life – ones that look good, you can take out, can cook for you, compliment you, inspire you, and also have some nice good intense wild sex with you.  Stop worshipping these women and go do something more valuable with your time, because honestly they’re not all that.