Sometimes I feel like I’m missing a part of the human puzzle – and that’s due to the fact I see the kinds of things people are crazy about and obsessive over, and I just… don’t get it. I think that despite what anyone claims to know/not know about me, I’m not that hard to please; I’m more reasonable and rational and down to earth than most people. I enjoy things in life, but do I get overly hyped for a whole not? Nope. Unless things directly affect me, my girlfriend, or my mom, the things people are always on about do not hype me up nor do they outrage or infuriate me. But I look at the way people are on the Internet these days and I feel like there are almost no chill people other than my small (and continually shrinking) inner circle. I feel like virtually everyone is an easily-excited punk-ass bitch.
The following is a list of things that people just tend to come off as irritating to anyone that’s not part of “the hive” about – and rest assured if you’re someone that really has a longing to “belong” to the Cult of the Internet that being interested in or faking an interest in all of these things will allow you to join the collective.
I’ve never really been a big fan of football – but over the past 5 or so years suddenly everyone is not just into football but downright obsessed with it to the most ridiculous degree I’ve ever seen. I see a lot of grown men who yell and scream and snap about football in almost literal play-by-play mode thanks to the “magic” (see also: stupidity) of Twitter. Grown men who act like they did something because they chose that player in a fantasy football league. Umm… you picked a name on a list. You literally accomplished nothing – in life. You didn’t win the game. They did. You’re a sad pathetic guy living vicariously through some other asshole making millions of dollars off your stupid obsession. Chicks who “like football” are even worse as it’s usually girls trying to sexualize themselves in some dude’s jersey, who masturbate to the millions of dollars football players make and are trying to fit in and be “just one of the guys” but also be “worshiped for having a vagina and liking guy things” simultaneously. Usually when I tell people that I don’t like football they act like I just shot their mother in the face in front of them. It’s THAT serious to people.
I don’t even hate football as a concept, I just hate how obsessive and lame everyone is about it. The only real time I pay much attention is the Super Bowl because from the standpoint of someone who has worked and grown up around advertising my entire life I am often fascinated by the commercials.
Hey does anyone remember that commercial where the kid said he wouldn’t get anything done with his life because he’s dead and people got mad about it? That commercial was awesome. Anyway, football bores me and I have about as much interest in taking a massive dump after eating Taco Bell.
The Walking Dead
When The Walking Dead first debuted on television it was a groundbreaking and innovative way to do a television series about zombies – so much in fact that it became an unstoppable freight train of commercial and critical success. But that also led to the unwashed masses (whom are no better than zombies) eating up anything with the Walking Dead logo and the advent of the “way too horny chick on the Internet” caused girls to sexualize the mostly male cast (the women on this show usually look like complete crap), and become highly annoying. Also compared to the more gory, violent and controversial tones in the comic book series and novels the show is more tame because mainstream success means “don’t rock the boat” in terms of controversy. The result is a very dry show with no in-between – either lots of people die, or absolutely nothing interesting at all happens, usually the later. The funny thing is that the television show is the most popular thing to bear the Walking Dead franchise name, yet it’s the least interesting compared to the video games, novels, and comics. It just shows people just like stuff just to like it. Sometimes the show is bearable but let’s face it, 90% of the time it’s the most overrated show on television and it’s annoying because people act like it’s the be-all-end-all of television.
Whatever the Newest Big Budget Videogame Is
I like videogames. But I also feel like people are in such a rush to get whatever the newest console or game is before they’ve even finished what they have – and moreover, they’re rushing to get something that isn’t complete. When I was growing up there was no internet, which meant a game had to be READY the minute it went to print. Now, the advent of the Internet has caused most games that come out to be buggy, flawed, and glitchy and people to complain en masse about how they got ripped off of $60.00 after staying up all night long trying to be the OMG FIRST PERSON TO PLAY THE GAME that they know. Well, maybe if you waited for the game to drop to $30, and waited for these lazy ass developers to fix their shit you’d be less disappointed, less broke, and you’d get your backlog of 10-20 OTHER games that you haven’t finished yet done. I still have shit from 2009 that I need to play. I don’t see how people spend their entire paychecks on videogames and then spend the rest of their time watching OTHER PEOPLE PLAY VIDEOGAMES on Twitch and sites like that. Do I enjoy videogames? Yes. A lot. But I feel like the hobby became SO trendy that it actually makes me less interested in all of it. These days my X-Box only turns on to play Netflix. And it’s an X-Box 360, not an X-Box One.
Go Fund Me (For Stupid Shit)
I had a GoFundMe during a period of time when bills were difficult, work was light, and my mother was possibly-dying-of-cancer right after my father passed away. But more and more you see GoFundMe pages for people who want to go to a concert, get someone to pay for their date, or simply want money for existing. In parody of this I once made a GoFundMe to buy me a Lincoln so I could be more like Matthew McConaughey and have deep thoughts while driving my Lincoln, but in all seriousness, GoFundMe and getting people to buy people shit for nothing has run its course.
Also it’s sad that so many of these GoFundMe accounts somehow get a ton of money when they’re for bad causes but the ones for good causes often get jack shit. Goes to show you that we live in a world that would rather reward stupidity and bad behavior.
We get it, you’re high as fuck. Congratulations? Every time someone wants to remind you on the Internet that they’re fucking high every five seconds it makes me wish the cops were monitoring that shit and for marijuana to NEVER become legal out of sheer spite. The only people allowed to smoke should be Cheech & Chong, The Drew, and Seth Rogen/James Franco in Pineapple Express. The rest of you are fucking annoying.
Batman and Harley Quinn
The BEARD is “in,” the “Dad Bod” is “in,” wearing a diaper is “in!” If you have long hair put it in a lame ass bun because it’s “in” or you’ll NEVER GET LAID EVER AGAIN – EVER.
Ugh. Who the hell comes up with this? Supposedly “women” but I’m guessing that these stupid ideas really come from some Beta Male Butthole working at Huffington Post trying to convince people that what they should want is what these mongoloids are. I hate this – it’s the ultimate form of using the Internet to brainwash chicks and nobody seems to be hip to it but me. Who SAID this shit was “in?” It doesn’t matter. Perception is reality. And reality is being told by hipsters this shit is in. For starters, I can’t grow a beard and I don’t want to because I like not having it fall into food, and I like not looking like I’m homeless or having an itchy face or looking like a fucking terrorist.
The Dad Bod seems like someone who just half-asses everything. Wearing a diaper was a joke. I don’t want to tie my hair in a bun because that seems to defeat the purpose of my long hair to begin with, and I hate feeling like women are into stupid shit that you HAVE TO DO to get noticed. Maybe I just want a woman to like me for me, and accept me for me, and want me for me, and not have to go with whatever the lamest new trend Huffington and Washington Post is trying to convince people is in is a must-do or else your dick will dry up and fall off. I’d rather just NOT get any than have to compromise the person I am to appease people who are easily influenced.
Random Obscure Marvel Superhero Getting a Movie
While I enjoyed Ant-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy, I didn’t get overly hyped for either. I enjoyed them. They were good films. In fact I think I enjoyed them A LOT MORE because I went in with low expectations/not knowing what to expect because they weren’t top tier at the time. But people jizz so much over Marvel movies that they could give ANY CHARACTER a movie and people would go nuts. I’ve said before that the Superhero movie isn’t always the best medium to deliver them and that serialized television might be more fun – but everyone just wants to have a giant number and a “box office record,” so many times we get a lot of shit thrown at us within 2 hours before our minds can really process what the hell is going on because EXPLOSIONS EVERYWHERE. I like Marvel movies for the most part but not all of them are 5/5 BEST FILM. Some of them are good, or alright. And that’s fine, they don’t HAVE TO all be great. But acting like every time Marvel puts something out it’s the absolute best thing you’ve ever seen is a bit ridiculous. When people tell me they had gripes with Thor, or Captain America or any of them, I can sort of understand where they are coming from. So many comic fans act like you shot them – “NO FUCK YOU IT WAS 5/5 BEST MOVIE.” Dude, calm the fuck down.
I’m hoping the next three Marvel characters that get films are Uatu the Watcher, Puck, and Speedball, so that people can act like they’re huge fans of these characters and that these movies are going to be SO HYPE and stand in line for hours and hours to be the first person to see the first showing of the movie in IMAX 3D JIZZVISION.
Outrage, Outrage, Outrage!
Whether its people mad about a holiday, a news story, a joke, a comment some actor or actress or celebrity made, everybody seems outraged and angry and there are way too many apologies being given these days to a bunch of people who don’t deserve it – and most of the time it’s from people who are joking. Can we not make jokes anymore? I’ve seen people demand apologies from John Lennon (he’s dead), Christopher Columbus (he’s dead), white people, Christian people, anyone who isn’t liberal, comedians, celebrities, everyone else. Maybe we should just stop DEMANDING people do things to appease us all the time. If someone says something you don’t like on the Internet, get over it. If they say it on TV, so what? People aren’t going to always say shit you like. People aren’t always going to agree with you. That’s life. When did we get so sensitive and will it ever actually stop?
Anyway, maybe the fact I’m not all about these things is why I’m such a loner and such an outsider. But if that’s the case, fuck it I’d rather be on the outside than have to fit in and become another spoke on the wheel of stupid.