Wrestling Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv - January 5, 2015

It’s time for RAW and I wish I had nothing to do tomorrow and a lot of alcohol because it looks like Booker T is doing commentary again tonight while Jerry Lawler is absent due to medical reasons.

If I could be absent from life due to medical reasons I’d play the Booker T Drinking Game since I brought the old article back prior to tonight’s RAW.  Also make sure to buy things from Amazon.com using the links on the front page of this site and donate to me via PayPal at the address jasonrivera@gmail.com or there may not BE a site in 2015.  If you like what I’m doing every bit of support helps keep the doors open.

Trippy dreams and the Giant Nose of Mark Harmon end the last few minutes of NCIS.  Mark Harmon is like a really, really, not-as-cool Liam Neeson. 

Is that the corpse of Mike Tenay from TNA?  Anyway, it’s time for RAW.  Recaps show us how Seth Rollins held Edge and his neck hostage to force John Cena to reinstate the Authority into power tonight.  RAW has a new version of the intro – same intro theme, just a different remix. 

John Cena along with the rest of the WWE roster is out here and the boos begin at the news that the Authority is back in power.   Why does Darren Young now look like a Terrorist?  What a shitty return?  He just comes back as a background guy who somehow won custody of Otunga’s facial hair.  John Cena says now that the Authority is back he knows 2015 is going to be a tough year--  and he is immediately interrupted by Triple H and Stephanie McMahon.

I feel like despite her weird fashion choices and the awkward moments where she looks like her father I would still unleash a tidal wave of semen inside Stephanie McMahon solely for existing.  She gets booed and doesn’t understand why she’s being booed when she hasn’t said anything yet.  It’s because nobody wants to hear you talk.  Stephanie says she knows what is best for the audience and what is best for business.  HHH now gets his turn to rub in the fact they are back and says this was the fault of that face-painted goof Sting.  I’m so glad he didn’t call him “THE VIGILANTE STING” which annoys the crap out of me any time they say it.  HHH mocks the fact Ho-Ho-Hogan and the RAW Anonymous GM both got to come back in the time the Authority was gone and that they are proof that RAW was a sinking ship.  HHH credits this comeback to Seth Rollins, the man we should all be thanking.

Seth Rollins comes out here and the Authority embraces him, as do horny fangirls on Tumblr who are all breathing sighs of relief he did not get rid of his two-toned hair (which was rumored earlier via social networking).  If he had the horny nerds would have started to cut themselves.  This guy is king of the dickhead heels right now and amuses me.  Triple H rewards Rollins by putting him in the Brock Lesnar/John Cena match at the Royal Rumble which is now officially a Triple Threat. Stephanie says they won’t punish John Cena because tonight is JOHN CENA APPRECIATION NIGHT to reward him for “breaking his promise.”  The crowd boos while John Cena makes a face like someone stabbed his dad in the dick and showed him the video.

Stephanie adds that John Cena’s presence is mandatory and required.  Hunter claims there are no ulterior motives or agendas here.  This is a New Authority.

Oh no.  Now I need a drink, not because of Booker T but because nobody wants to see Roman Reigns vs. Big Show.

Also Ambrose and Bray Wyatt have an ambulance match later.  I don’t really know if I care.  Ambulance matches are usually pretty lame.  This is shaping up to be one of those RAW shows I refret.  I see a commercial for a movie called Project Almanac where some kids appear to rig the lottery.  I wish I could do that.  My problems would all be solved.  How come I don’t get paid thousands of dollars to do nothing like all these other assholes on the Internet?

The Authority has decided to punish Dolph Ziggler by making him grant a rematch for the Intercontinental Title to Wade Barrett who never lost the belt to begin with and had to relinquish it due to an injury.  Ziggler’s head might end up bullhammered into 5th row and I would be completely okay with it because I enjoy Bad News Barrett.  I legitimately admit to slacking.  I minimized my screen for one minute and somehow Ziggler won, leading to my annoyance as well as Barrett’s frustration.  Barrett begins to beat the crap out of Ziggler, tossing him to the outside and throwing him into the barricade several times.  The beating continues and Barrett tosses Ziggler shoulder-first into a steel ringpost.  Barrett gives Ziggler a beating that reminds me of the time five guys shot Alex Murphy to death before he became Robocop.  I think we needed to cement that Barret is a bad guy.

"VOTE KANE 2016" is out here and is no longer a concession stand guy.  He say that this match is now a 2 out of 3 falls match meaning Ziggler only won the first fall.  He demands the referee start the match and Barrett sizes Ziggler up for a Big Boot followed by Wasteland.  Barrett gets the win on the 2nd fall.  Kane inches closer to the ring but the referee makes doctors tend to Ziggler during some commercials.  We come back and the match continues with Ziggler fighting with everything he’s got to stay in this.  I somewhat wish that this were over or we were on the Big Show/Roman Reigns match because I need to take a dump, and this is too enjoyable of a match to walk out of the room on.  Barrett sizes Ziggler up for the Bullhammer after a neckbreaker but Ziggler ducks and hits a super kick on Barrett who kicks out at 2.  Kane distracts Ziggler, who clocks him leading to Ziggler getting dropped with a Bullhammer and Barrett regaining his Intercontinental Title.

This is Barrett’s 5th Intercontinental Title reign.  JBL jizzes himself about this BAD NEWS for Ziggler.  Okay, good, I’m going to take a dump, if I miss John Cena Appreciation Night clips, I don’t give a shit.

Oh no, Roman Reigns is going to talk to us.  Talking is not his strong point.  Roman turns this into a Superman promo.  Just because your finisher is called the Superman Punch, doesn’t mean you should cut a Superman promo and TRY to stylize it the way The Rock does promos.  This just… was embarrassing.  It was like asking someone with down syndrome to read the Declaration of Independence out loud just so you can laugh at them.

Bray Wyatt is smoking that good shit.

Bray Wyatt is smoking that good shit.

Bray Wyatt in the dark cuts a promo asking what Dean Ambrose’s New Year’s resolution is.  He begins mocking Dean’s father and doing his typical dark promos, which is hilarious that this came right after a Roman Reigns promo – it makes Reigns’ promo look that much WORSE than it already was. 

I wouldn't watch Total Divas if my television grew a mouth and sucked my dick during the entire show.

I wouldn't watch Total Divas if my television grew a mouth and sucked my dick during the entire show.

It’s that time again, where WWE reminds us Total Divas exists and tells us it’s the greatest show ever.  No thanks. I’m hetero.  I feel like I say that every week.  It's like telling a drug pusher you are drug free. "Nope, sorry pal, I'm hetero."  I've said it so many times that if I ever meet Michael Cole I'm going to say it to him automatically as a reflex action.

The Ascension is out here.  I wonder if the crowd is going to buy into their 1980s tag team look or just shit on them forever because of it.  Judging by Twitter, they’re going to shit on them forever.  Viktor and Konnor get on the microphone and begin to mention Demolition and the Road Warriors – they mock Demolition and the Road Warriors and even call the Road Warriors a joke.  JBL is now offended and say they could not carry the Road Warriors’ bags. 

Why are the Ascension beating up the arena’s janitor?  Did Mr. Venezuela drop a duke in the urinal?  The Fall of Man hits on this one guy (I didn’t even see a tag partner) and this one is over.  JBL mocks the fact that Konnor & Viktor killed two no-names that came off a raft in the gulf of Mexico. 

Lana and Rusev talk about Russian Christmas.  I did not know Russia had its own version of Christmas.  I bet it involves more Zangief, more vodka, more anal sex, and more human trafficking and Tetris, and of course, oh yes, VLADIMIR PUTIN.

That’s the face I make when I see a nice booty.  Roman Reigns vs. Big Show is up next.  JBL says “pick up your phone and call somebody.”  I’ll do that because I’d rather talk on the phone than watch this fucking stupid feud. 

Things I would rather do than watch Reigns vs. Big Show (which ended in disqualification by the way):

--Do my taxes

--Give birth out of my penis hole

--Eat 10 chicken burritos without a working bathroom in 50 miles of myself.

--Teach a mentally retarded person how to do HTML.

--Attend a Tumblr Feminist Rally.

Roman Reigns turned the tables on Big Show after the match while his “sadder version of the Shield’s theme” plays.  Ugh. 

Nikki Bella and the cardboard cutout of herself she brings to the ring, Brie, are ready for action tonight, because despite being HUGE REALITY TELEVISION STARS they have to wrestle once in a while for anything they do to make sense.  Natalya is the opponent.  Apparently Tyson Kidd and Natalya split on Total Divas (in an angle) so Kidd is not here tonight.  I'm wondering who gets custody of the cats?  I assume Nattie, because Tyson's new partner Cesaro probably eats cats as a delicacy or something. 

Paige involves herself for no reason.  I’m alright with this because I want to bang.  This is the only way WWE keeps the attention of us horny nerds which is probably why they put Paige on Total Divas to begin with.  Paige comes out and hugs Natalya because apparently they got into an argument (on Total Divas) and they are okay again now.  I really don’t care to watch Total Divas and no amount of inserting it as a focal point into the Divas division will force me to watch it; I just don’t care.   Natalya wins while Paige beats up Brie on the outside.  Nikki is furious about losing a match to Natalya and begins to beat on Nattie as well.  Paige drops Nikki like a bad habit as well and screams that this is her house. 

Do you think Paige does anal? …just wondering.

Dean Ambrose mocks Bray Wyatt and his asking about New Year’s Resolutions and says he doesn’t need one because all he cares about is beating Bray Wyatt and kicking his ass all over this arena.  Decent promo by Ambrose.  After a break, we get Mr. Lost in the Shuffle, Erick Rowan.

I feel like Rowan had his moment at Survivor Series, then moved into a feud with Big Show nobody cares about and now he’s just sort of wandering around doing nothing of relevance.  I do however wonder if he's ever banged a broad while wearing the sheep mask.  He’s getting a match against former Wyatt Family partner Luke Harper on RAW

Why is this being thrown away here?  Shouldn’t this have a little more hype and fanfare when it’s between two former partners?  Luke Harper reminds me of rape.  Not shower rape though because that would require him to take a shower. Apparently the guest referees for this match will be J&J Security. Last week these assholes were Geek Squad.  This week they're Foot Locker?

Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury are aligned with the Authority as is Luke Harper so Rowan is now placed in a bad situation.  The referees refuse to count when Rowan has an advantage and then fast count when Harper hits his clothesline.  The referees begin to stomp Rowan after declaring him the loser.  Harper hits another clothesline and the J & J hit a double dropkick on Rowan on both sides of his head.

Happy Naomi Cleavage Day.  You ever think Jey has snuck into the room and pretended to be Jimmy just to get himself a few good thrusts in that woman?  I know I would.  Alicia approaches Naomi backstage and says nothing will come between them – I didn’t know there was anything between these two to begin with?  Alicia reminds us Naomi got kicked off of Total Divas.  Are we blaming this Miz angle for that?  Alicia then attacks Naomi and turns heel for the 447th time.  Emma, Summer, and even Cameron (who is supposed to hate Naomi) check up on her.  I hate these Total Divas angles.

After a video promo it’s time for the Ambulance match.  I really hope that this is the end of the Ambrose-Wyatt feud because it feels like there’s pretty much nowhere else for it to go.  This is just kind of there with Bray and Ambrose throwing each other into things while I stop to wonder if one day Bray’s white pants are going to lead to him shitting himself and all of us being able to see it.  An Ambulance match is as… ho-hum as it sounds.  Michael Cole tries to tell us this is vicious like the Ambulance Match is a career-shortening dangerous match.  The Ambulance Match isn’t terrible but it’s not the best we’ve seen out of these guys.  It’s just kind of there.  Still, at least it’s not Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show. Also for some reason steel chairs, ladders, tables and other weapons are inside an ambulance.  I’m not even sure why or what kind of hospital you’re going to.  Maybe next they’ll hit each other with the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy.  Ambrose jumps through the ambulance table onto Wyatt, who eventually recovers and hits a Sister Abigail on Ambrose against the ambulance door.  Bray hits a second Sister Abigail on the concrete and Dean Ambrose is thrown into the ambulance.  Bray Wyatt wins because Ambrose is allergic to victory.

This is still going on.  No. Please. No.

Miz, Alicia, and Mizdow will take on Naomi and the Usos.  I’m sort of over this feud entirely.  I do enjoy Miz and Mizdow however.  Oh, and I enjoy Naomi’s big ass.  Even though she blocked me.  The Usos are… eh. They’re not bad, they’ve just pretty much beaten everybody in the tag division at this point and aren’t really offering much new as the tag team champions.  If we had a new playing field, great – but all they have added since Usos Reign 1 and Usos Reign 2 is the Ascension, so unless we get more teams out there I’m just sort of bored already.  Miz Is able to get a roll-up on an Uso with the use of the tights.

The Usos look around disappointed while Michael Cole claims implies Jimmy cannot focus with his wife Naomi out here because he then has to protect her.  We are told Ryback vs. Rollins will be next.  I hope we don’t get another promo about The Secret.  Or worse he’ll debut a singlet with the cover of the book airbrushed onto it. 

J&J Security is the greatest thing ever.  The best gimmick right now.  Oh, am I supposed to be paying attention to Rollins?

Kane, who has been feuding with Rollins is out here in his ring gear which means this match is now a handicap match and he has been inserted into it.  I was hoping it’d be 2 grown men and 2 midgets on 1 and J&J would be involved too. It’s a lengthy match and Rollins is able to beat Ryback down with multiple curbstomps.

THE SECRET DIDN’T SAVE YOU FROM THAT DID IT?

Adam Rose is still feuding with the Bunny I am sure.  But for now he is fighting Black People… err… New Day.  I thought it was a Tyler Perry film.  If I were a black wrestler and saw New Day I’d probably sign anywhere BUT WWE.  Because I wouldn’t want to be caught in this shit. 

Adam Rose is taking on Big E.  Good lord, this is awful.  I’m over New Day already because it’s just Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, and Big E. in stereotypical “Happy Dancing Black Guys” gimmick.  Adam Rose loses by disqualification when New Day gets beat up by Tyson Kidd and Cesaro dressed as Putty Patrollers from Power Rangers.

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Adam Rose demands the rosebuds come in here and party with he, Cesaro and Kidd.  The race war has begun. 

At least Kidd and Cesaro weren’t dressed like cops when they beat up the New Day, right?  Finally we are at the point where the Authority is here to appreciate John Cena. 

Cena comes out here with that “my dog died” face again.  He looks like the Make A Wish kid asked for NJPW wrestlers instead of him.   HHH and Stephanie remind John Cena that he brought them back.  Stephanie says John Cena is HER hero in a voice that implies that his reward is going to be to fuck her in the ass while Hunter watches.  Hunter admits that he was wrong about John Cena when he first saw him in the WWE and thought he sucked.  HHH says he wants to bring out more people who need to appreciate John Cena.  HHH brings out Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler – all the members of Team Cena at Survivor Series.

HHH and Stephanie argue over how they’re going to punish these three guys for aligning with John Cena.  After a long, drawn out, annoying segment, Stephanie fires all three men.  They shouldn’t look at this as a firing but as a NEW START ON DESTINATION AMERICA ON WEDNESDAYS!!! Don't think of this as an end, but a new beginning.  I cannot wait until Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and Ryback are repackaged as Ethan Carter IV, Ethan Carter V, and Ethan Carter VI on TNA, respectively.  

Stephanie starts dancing to patriotic music as confetti and balloons fall celebrating John Cena (and making him feel like the biggest dick ever for getting people fired).  RAW FINALLY ends after being just too long and drawn out and once again my verdict is 3 hours is just too much.  My brain feels like it melted.  My dick is flaccid.  My heart feels full of grief.  And I wonder why I do this when none of you appreciate me.  I hate you all.