From the Archives: Movie Review, WWE Studios' Knucklehead

It's been a while since I posted something from the archives, and the other day I happened to run into a tweet by one of the many cool people I follow, @Playboy_Jesse while watching WWE Monday Night RAW - he mentioned in the tweet that he will never forgive the Big Show for Knucklehead and then the wheels in my brain started to turn. "Didn't I review that?"  The reason I forgot wasn't early onset Alzheimer's at all but simply because the mind chooses to gloss over painful memories.  Unfortunately the experience came flooding back to me and I remembered that I experienced one of the worst movies ever.  Rather than let that experience be for nothing, I decided to dig this one up from the archives and re-post it this week. 

Jason Rivera is having a bad day. Upon waking up, the first thing I start my day off doing is stepping barefoot into a pool of cat vomit that one of my animals lovingly left right in front of the door to my room. After cursing, God, Jesus, and Mel Gibson, I clean it up, get myself ready and proceed to go to work for six hours give-or-take trapped in a car with my father who in his elder years feels more and more distanced from this generation and sometimes resents it to the point of highly awkward conversation. I came home after a long agitating day to find a package with my name on it, from JasonRivera.com’s own Fallin1.

Well my day has gotten worse, and I know this without opening the package. I know this because I have a policy, which is clearly stated on the JasonRivera.com Forums send me something, and I will review it. Unfortunately some people have really abused this rule. I’ve been sent Dollar Store movies about unhappy Jews, the the 1948 rendition of Hamlet, Human Scat Porn, and various other nuggets of crap but I know what to expect with Fallin1 mainly for the time he sent me one of the Twilight movies on DVD. How did that turn out, you ask?  With me doing the only logical thing I could, beating the DVD with a baseball bat and then running it over with my car.  So yeah, needless to say I’m not entirely thrilled I have a package from Fallin1. So what’s in the mystery media envelope?

Fuck my life. It was painful enough several months ago when I subjected myself to the movie Legendary starring WWE Superstar John Cena for review material but there are some lines I do not cross, I was threatened with Knucklehead by about four or five other people, yet no one actually did it because I believe it is considered a federal offense to send threats of hostility through the mail. As for Fallin1, I’m on the phone with the police right now. I really don’t know why he sent it to me at all. He’s probably a Nazi. This is a hate-crime.

If you don’t know the premise behind Knucklehead, it is a film produced by WWE Studios, Vince McMahon’s pitiful attempt to get wrestlers from his World Wrestling Entertainment to branch out into acting hoping they’ll be even a quarter as successful as former WWE Superstar the Rock, only this time with Vince’s hand uncomfortably deep in their pockets, collecting the revenue. So far it has not been successful. Knucklehead’s premise is that a former MMA champion turned manager finds a giant orphaned retarded kid and plans to teach him MMA to garner money and fame, I assume. Naturally The Big Show Paul Wight is the giant retarded orphan kid. Before I forget I’d like to point out that I believe this movie made less than $5,000 in the theaters. I am not entirely sure how well the DVD & Blu-Ray release fared but I think it has to wedge in between “completely worthless” and “don’t even use as a frisbee.” In essence WWE could have released a “The Best of Darren Young DVD” and it probably would have sold better.

Yes, this loser.

I’ve said before The MMA trend sweeping the world is pretty awful, but it’s probably six times as bad when it has anything with wrestling mixed into it. And any wrestler who seems to burn a bridge with the world of wrestling tends to try to get involved in it so that they can say “wrestling sucks in comparison” and get their grand revenge for not being the spotlight of whatever wrestling company they are in. Case in point:

 

Of the professional wrestlers that have branched off into the world of Mixed-Martial Arts, only Brock Lesnar (upper right for those not in the know) seems to have attained any sort of success in any way whatsoever. Anyway, any time the world of wrestling and the world of MMA mixes together it doesn’t bode well for the rest of us. I present Exhibit B:

Jeff Jarrett: MMA Enthusiast. We endured like three months of this.

Anyway, MMA and wrestling don’t mix. Wrestling and movies don’t mix. The Big Show and “entertaining” don’t mix. Therefore you have a complex concoction of pure crap in digital media form. Oh well, at least Fallin1 didn’t actually pay for this copy - which come to think of it means I can send the feds to his house.

But I did not come alone. That’s right, I have brought with me my trusty sidekick, and my second-favorite Mexican woman in all the land, Corona, to help me through this difficult and painful time. Writing WWE’s wrongs through inebriation!

Okay, I’ve stalled long enough. I’ve done everything I needed to do at home - laundry, cleaning, had a phone conversation with the woman, texted everyone and told them what I was doing so that if I end up mentally broken and insane after this video, they will know what the cause of it was. Cactus Chris begged me to tap out now, in a pleading reminiscent of the Ghost of Jacob Marley in Scrooge. He has seen it before and lived to talk about it. Conveniently? He never talks about it. I have a high threshold for crap. I reviewed One Night In China (membership to our forums required to read), Jennifer’s Body, hell I used to recap WWE NXT every week. But this, this shall test my limits. I can avoid it no further. I hate you Tony Cecil, I hate you.

Beer #1, Knucklehead begins.

I’m smiling only because I have beer and the movie hasn’t actually started yet.

The intro logo appears. I would like to take this time to tell the entire Goldwyn family to go fuck themselves. Thank you. After a few more logo, we get the titlescreen.

Fuck it, there is no going back. An orphanage is shown. Apparently they are having a performance for the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. A butch girl who actually sounds like the Big Show when she speaks is arguing with a kid who is clearly openly gay because he wanted to be Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and didn’t get to. Oh wait, it’s not a butch girl, it’s a dude dressed like a girl.

Either this is a special orphanage for openly gay children, or... it’s a special orphanage for openly gay children. Didn’t they have any females they could have cast in their fucking play? I’m not even going to go into the potential psychological trauma of this whole thing or the inconsistency of nuns encouraging cross-dressing. One of the women of the orphanage tries to convince the curly headed fuck that is playing Toto that he might get adopted by one of these families watching. The nun explains that good witch of the north is being played by Walker Krunk. She says that with a foreboding sense of doom as the play gets underway.

Yes... That’s the Big Show. Dressed like the Good Witch of the North, complete in a dress, with hearts all over his outfit and being lowered from the ceiling. What I want to know is why the fuck they can lower the 450 lb. Big Show from the ceiling and not snap the cord and kill him but a 220 lb. Owen Hart went hurtling to his death in the Kemper Arena back in 1999? THE WRONG WRESTLER DIED!

Is this movie supposed to be funny? They can’t get the Big Show down so he starts swinging around stuck to the release mechanism knocking kids over like a giant wrecking ball and also destroying the set. The nun is not pleased.

Meanwhile the main Jew from Royal Pains is training MMA fighters. I’m surprised Marion didn’t review this voluntarily seeing as he has a hard-on for the hit USA Network TV Show. He is interrupted by some old creepy guy that looks like he diddles 10 year olds on NBC’s To Catch a Preadtor, to whom apparently he owes money to.

Since the old creepy pedophile is rich he introduces the MMA fighter he manages - a black guy named REDRUM. Since he’s black and his name is murder backwards you know he means business. He disposes of the guy that Royal Pains Jew Guy Is training in like half a second. I didn’t even see what exactly he did to him. I can only assume it involved rape.

The Nun is angry with the fact the Big Show ruined her play. She wants him out of here because he is a 35 year old man who has never experienced life - so basically he’s the archetype for a WWE mark who enjoys every pitiful angle they put out without question and never strives for a better product?

IT’S STILL REAL TO ME DAMN IT!

Beer 2. Elapsed Time Watching Knucklehead: 7m 05 sec.

beer02.jpg

Is it sad I’m already on my second beer? The old guy has the Jewish guy knocked out by Redrum so he knows that he means business when it comes to getting his money back.

But now we cue the next scene - the fat Curly Headed Fuck complaining about the orphanage while Big Show in tight red jammies cooks food. Basically this movie is “how many stupid outfits can we find in Paul Wight’s size?” The kid is simply miserable because he doesn’t want to grow up to be like the Big Show - fat and worthless, which he is already well on his way to being at this point in his life. Advice for the kid? Suicide.

The Big Show farts. I have a feeling this is the first of many. 2 farts. 3 farts. The other 2 end up being the nun. The stupid kid lights a match to get rid of Big Show’s fart smell and it catches fire. Big Show then tries to put it out with grease thus burning down the entire kitchen. We find out the orphanage doesn’t have proper insurance and is thus a fire hazard and must be shut down. The Nun threatens to tell God on them. The fat kid pretends to be British and this apparently warms the heart of the city ordinance guy that lets them stay. He also adds the kid’s fake accent isn’t fooling anybody.

Meanwhile That Jew from Royal Pains enters a church to pray. Maybe he’s hoping that if he prays the rich millionaire he owes money to dead, that the Venom Suit will hear his prayers like he’s Eddie Brock in Spider-Man and he’ll be able to destroy everything in his path. Yes... I’m a comic nerd. Fucking learn to deal with it.

Cue Big Show getting ragged on even further by the Mother Superior for burning down the kitchen. This time he is sporting the Kurt Cobain from Nirvana look, except he is missing one very important part of that look that I do wish he had right now:

Ahh, if only we were so lucky. Big Show dramatically starts crying when asked what is wrong with him, and simply says “I’m a Knucklehead.”

I feel no sympathy for the Big Show’s tears. How many wrestling fans has he bored to them over the years? Yep. More wrestling fans have been bored to death by Big Show’s WWE career than people died of cancer this year. Royal Pains Jewish Guy is still praying while Big Show claims he will think of something. The Mother Superior shoves Big Show through a stained glass window and The Jew is amazed.

LOL-Symbolism. I’m not sure which one is a bigger piece of shit and owes me a bigger apology over the years. Jesus thinks he’s hot shit with the whole “dying for your sins” shit. Did HE watch Knucklehead? No, he fucking didn’t, and I think I’d rather take my chances with the nails and the crown of thorns and being crucified. I mean we’ve already had 3 farts in this movie and it’s only 14 minutes in. Giant Jew is very pleased about this.

Okay, why did we bill this movie as starring the Big Show but not the Anonymous General Manager of RAW? I think more people would have watched it to see a four-star acting performance from the Anonymous General Manager to be honest. The Jew tries to convince the Orphanage Staff that they should allow The Big Show to train as an MMA fighter. They’re skeptic and The Jew has to try to convince them that he’s on the level. The Nun claims Jesus would have gotten in the ring for those boys and so should the Big Show. Between all the MMA-and-wrestling shit, now I just can’t help but think of one thing:

Jesus Christ, MMA Enthusiast. Hey, maybe he can hang out with Gunner & Murphy and fuck Karen Angle, too. To be honest if they made a full 90-minute movie entitled “Jesus Christ: MMA Enthusiast, I think it would be a vastly superior film in every way. Big Show cries some more against a window. It’s time for another beer. He’s crying like a bitch - more than Peter Parker in the Spider-Man films.

Beer 3. Elapsed Time Watching Knucklehead: 18m 31sec.

18 minutes? I feel like I’ve been watching this movie all night. The fat piece of crap kid is sad that his friend is leaving.

Meanwhile in the Magic Shortbus, the Royal Pains guy is trying to teach Big Show a rear naked choke. Dude. Paul Wight has been wrestling since 1995. If this dipshit doesn’t know how to do a chokehold now, he never will. The Evil Millionaire and his Giant Roid Rage Negro beat up HankMed’s Dad in another scene during these events.

Cue Saul Rubinek from Warehouse 13. This movie just got way more Jewish. Shouldn’t he be buying massive amounts of coke from Christian Slater like he did in True Romance? Also you should know that when the biggest name in your movie is fuckin’ Saul Rubinek your movie is horribly low budget and you’re in deep shit.

The Jews have a secret underground fighting ring underneath a synagogue and this is where the Big Show’s first MMA match will take place. No. The above screenshot isn’t doctored. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE. Since it’s WWE films, I can only assume that this is some subliminal cheap shot Vince is taking about ECW being an underground organization led by Paul Heyman, the ultimate Jew who never paid anybody.

Cue Big Show in his tighty whities, which WWE liked to show us in every single commercial for Knucklehead ever. This speeds up my drinking considerably.

Big Show’s opponent is a bald Jew named Sugar Ray Rosenberg. Where is Adolf Hitler when you need him? I really, really wish that I could say some hate group then throws a can of Zyklon B into the underground fighting ring, chains up the doors and everybody dies. I really do, as it would make for a better overall movie. That sadly is not the case. HankMed tries to convince Big Show he needs to beat this guy up because he “hates Christmas.” The Jew wails on Big Show until he is out of energy and then gives him a wedgie, followed by a punch to the dick. Big Show falls on top of the Jew who then taps out so technically he won. We now cue to the hotel where Big Show is taking a big dump kind of like what he does in the ring.

The Millionaire and his black guy says they need to make sure to stop the Big Show to the big fight in New Orleans.

Commence homosexuality when Big Show jumps in the bed and somehow HankMed falls on him. The girl from the orphanage is surprised and a bit disgusted. This is predictable, by the way and I’m calling it thank HankMed will fall in love with her and they’ll adopt the curly headed fuck. After Big Show leaves HankMed alone, the villains show up and threaten him. He won’t be phased though. The next day the Short Bus begins smoking and crashes. Because naturally a movie like this needs a “long journey.” An explosion happens but sadly they all survive. The trio hitchhike to get to their next destination.

Cue the creepy redneck, who is talking about how lonely he is... with the Big Show. You can almost hear the theme to deliverance. This movie only partakes in mental rape, not physical rape, however. Big Show asks what the guy is importing.

Pigs, and Mexicans. This is also how WWE discovered Alberto Del Rio’s Personal Ring Announcer Ricardo Rodriguez, I am sure.

I’m also pretty sure I’d rather endure 2 hours of Ricardo Rodriguez trying to act than the Big Show.

Meanwhile in the front the redneck shows Big Show his bottled piss. Big Show has never seen bottled piss before because he has never had a five-star match so exciting that you had to bottle your piss as to not miss anything important. In fact the Big Show’s spot in wrestling is the point where most people get up to take a dump knowing that they are missing nothing relevant.

Somehow for no reason all the Mexicans start running out of the truck aimlessly for no apparent reason whatsoever - I love the implication that the Mexicans have a hive mind like insects and run around like cockroaches all over the place when they see sunlight. Then again the average Mexican WWE fan mindlessly buys Rey Mysterio merchandise so I can see where the lack of respect comes from.

 

Things go from bad to worse when we see that the annoying kid from the PSP commercials and Role Models is here. When the highlight of your acting career is “IF YOU WHITE YOU BEN AFFLECK” you probably need to find a new career. The only thing that I conclude from him being in PSP commercials is that little black kids steal PSPs from the white kids at school.

Beer 4. Elapsed Time Watching Knucklehead: 37m 28sec.

HankMed lies to Big Show and tells him he’s fighting someone who mistreats everyone and kills women and abuses children and is a horrible angry man with evil in his heart:

Chris Benoit?

Unfortunately Marcus PSP’s Dad comes home and Big Show mistakes Dad for the MMA opponent and spears him through a fence. The kids cheer for this blatant show of parental disrespect. Nice to know WWE is all about hitting parents in a TV-PG world. I think I’m going to go downstairs and punch Dad in the face now. HankMed’s Dad gets sponge-bathed by a hot nurse. I wish I was getting laid. Instead I’m watching Knucklehead. I hate my fucking life. Big Show sends lettrs to the fat curly headed fuck in the orphanage to let him know he cares.

Cue an annoying woman and her dog. I don’t know who she is but I hope she is assassinated. And her little dog, too. Apparently they used to be strippers together, which the blonde church girl is trying to hide by claiming they were “artistic” dancers. They’re ALL artistic dancers. Fucking liars. They decide that they’re going to go to a carnival so that they can beat up some Bare-Knuckle Fighter. Training ensues and it is gay. This woman gives Walter a makeover. Which involves shaving his head.

This is how the Big Show looks all the time so I don’t think anyone really cares. I don’t think anyone OOHed or AHHed at this stunning transformation. Hell, I don’t think 75% of the people who paid for this film even lasted to this part of the movie. I am nothing if not resilient. The carnival approaches and it’s time for the fight.

No one informed Big Show that Bare Knuckle Dave was actually BEAR KNUCKLE DAVE. I really wish that at this point I could say that the bear mauled the Big Show, tore out his jugular and urinated on the corpse of Paul Wight, but sadly Big Show makes it through yet another wacky, zany obstacle. The most the bear does is bite HankMed in the ass, while Big Show locks a sleeper on the bear and takes him out.

Why isn’t this movie over? Finally the group has enough money to actually buy food and get on a bus. The redneck dancer girl is getting horny for the Big Show. Things that make me want to vomit for $800, Alex! The Big Show eats too much and on the bus he now has gas. This is awful because we know where it is leading. To infinite amounts of Big Show fart jokes. 4 farts. 5 farts. 6. 7.

Big Show cannot fit in a bathroom. If footage of him shitting standing up happens does that technically count Knucklehead as a Scat Video? Big Show taking a shit is just the worst thing that could happen on earth. 8 farts. 9 farts. People going insane in the bus. 9 fart jokes is a bit excessive, don’t you think?

More Big Show crying. While shitting. He says “forgive me?” No forgiveness. I will NEVER forgive you for this shit-stink of a film. Ever. He ends up stuck in the toilet and the fire department is called to remove him from the bathroom.

We get to see Big Show’s Bare Ass as they remove him from the bathroom. I have suddenly lost the will to live. Fortunately for me there is nothing sharp, nothing to choke myself in, or nothing poisonous to ingest in my immediate reach or I’d have killed myself.

The villain is shown. The woman next to him has tits, and can blow. Unfortunately even though I would usually get turned on pretty strongly after seeing the Big Show’s ass I just can’t find myself able to have any desire to have sex. I feel like I’ve just been spayed/neutered/castrated.

We find out that the evil villains are coming to adopt children (as hostages), to try to get the Big Show to throw the fight. The Nun tries to say none of the kids are appropriate. Maybe if the villain shaved his fucking creepy pedophile mustache he wouldn’t have that problem. Meanwhile elsewhere a gang of bikers is about to perform the Death Wish 2 rape scene on the blonde orphanage lady.

I kinda wish they would because rape would probably make this movie more interesting.

Beer 5. Elapsed Time Watching Knucklehead: 55m 39sec.

Outside the harassment continues and HankMed tries to protect the blonde from Willie Nelson. He beats his ass but gets attacked by the Big Black Biker. How come black guys in this movie are all good fighters and virtually invincible? Naturally when they’re in trouble the Big Show comes to the rescue and cleans house. They steal the bike, because you know, theft is perfectly ok.

Good lord, that man looks like a fucking retard. We try to go to plot development city where HankMed explains he used to be a fighter but he had to give it up. He basically implies he got hit in the dick and can’t have kids - here we go. Cue love, romance, pity, and adoption. They begin to laugh at the ruination of HankMed’s balls and make a few nutsac jokes. Because of all the video footage that is on YouTube, all these fan-boys want to be seen with the Big Show now. Show begins to get money from the frat boys who want to be seen with him.

They go to Kentucky, presumably to give Fallin his shitty movie back.

Up next is a montage of “success” and by “success” I mean if it is a montage it means that at least they didn’t film 100% complete scenes of any of this to extend the movie longer than it already is. Even Mother Superior at the Orphanage is proud of Big Show until she clicks a related video and sees what Redrum is capable of. Finally this group makes it to New Orleans. It feels like it took four hours to get to this point.

These guys look like a gay couple. They’re out on the town for some pre-match celebrations. HankMed tries to teach Big Show about women and fucking. HankMed falls for the Orphanage chick that is with them and becomes a hypocrite by following none of his advice. This movie gets uncomfortably long and slower than it already was. Orphanage chick gets drunk and jealous of any girl who talks to HankMed. She ends up challenged to combat with the waitress who strips to her underwear and demands an underwear fight in an inflatable pool of mud.

The sad part about this is that it’s more risque than anything WWE does with its women on actual television anymore. Orphanage girl spin-kicks the waitress and knocks her out. Afterward we go into life lessons and “moral of the story” mode. I’m ready for this movie to fuck off. Big Show meanwhile is macking on the other stripper girl who shaved his head earlier and actually made him trunks so he doesn’t have to walk around in his underwear all the time. Mother Superior finds out that the curly headed fuck of a kid is missing.

More Big Show being a giant retard antics ensue. However it is time for the championships. Big Show fought a bunch of bears and Jews to get here, although he never fought the Bear Jew. We get a fighting montage against various opponents. The funny thing about this is for an MMA movie, there’s almost no real action in this film.

Part of that montage involves two random fat people fighting for no reason. I’m sure you’re captivated by this stunning display of inner martial arts talent.

Oh that’s not predictable at all.

The main bad guy ends up in the women’s bathroom and reveals that HankMed got banned from MMA for throwing a fight and convinces the Orphanage Woman that he can’t be trusted because he’s probably betting against the Big Show. The creepy pedophile villain also reveals he has the little curly headed kid and that if Big Show doesn’t throw the fight the kid is taking a dive (and by dive, he means dick).

 Beer 6. Elapsed Time Watching Knucklehead: 1h 25m 19sec.

It’s time for the final showdown. Hopefully it does not drag. Nuns are looking for the kid with the Jewfro. What I don’t get is why the fuck hasn’t anyone thought to call the cops? Why is it the guy clearly sends pictures of himself hanging a little boy off a cliff and no one thinks “hey, maybe I should tell a nice police officer some rich old pedophile kidnapped a child who is a wade of the state?”

Why don’t they call out to the bloodthirsty crowd? Why doesn’t someone do something productive?

The Big Show is distracted and almost gets defeated but he begins to no sell Redrum’s offense and replies “I’m just a knucklehead!”before locking him in a triangle choke. BUHGAWD ! HELL’S GATE! HELL’S GATE! HELL’S GATE! Redrum taps and Big Show wins. Finally the cops show up and Mother Superior reveals her secret weapon:

The nun-tazer. Yes. really. She incapacitates “Memphis Earl,” and the blows on it like she’s about to suck a dick, and the cops take him away while the sister, HankMed, blonde chick, Big Show, Jewfro and the rest all celebrate their victory. Me? I’m just glad the fucking thing is over.

Oh, how touching. Can we roll the fucking credits? Can this movie fuck off already? Please end. I’ve had enough. Finally it fades to black and this shit is over. This is just proof that when it comes to non-wrestling media, WWE are the kings of craptacular. I’ve endured a lot of shit in my day. Legendary and Knucklehead are among two of the worst. Still I am very happy to be done with it and be able to put the past behind me. Hopefully I never have to review anything like this ever, ever again.

No. Fuck you all. Never again. NEVER AGAIN.