From the Archives: The Most Offensive Article Ever: Jacqui Saburido!

This week's "From the Archives" article is probably the most poor-taste, offensive, and downright rotten thing I have ever wrote, so if you think I'm some kind of "nice guy" and want to preserve that belief, I recommend hitting the back button.  However, the reason this one comes back from the archives isn't so much about the subject matter or something that I wrote back in 2004 - it's about "seeing what happens."  I admit I was a wild maniac in 2004.  Have I toned down my act a little?  Not really, but I've matured, and become more focused.  Back in 2004, I didn't give a shit about anything other than shock and awe.   Am I ashamed of the article? Not really.  I'm just indifferent. I wrote it, and I've never been in the business of take-backs.

The reason this article is chosen from the archives is because back in 2004 people just didn't give a shit - about anything.  Society itself had more of an attitude than it does now.  In fact I get more hate-mail about ANYTHING I say now, than I did back then... but THIS generated a lot of hate back then.  And if I got hate for it in 2004, when people WEREN'T sensitive, just imagine the backlash I will get re-posting this eleven years later when everyone is hyper-sensitive about what a stranger on the Internet thinks of a particular topic?  That's why I'm posting this.  Because it will piss sensitive people off.  To speak frankly this article is "bait."  And I'm interested to see the outrage that I will bring in solely by posting an article that's 11 years old.

You know, there’s a lot of fucked up shit on the Internet. In fact you can find a lot of it here on There’s funny stuff, sick stuff, sad stuff, and then there’s pathetic stuff. I think the Jacqui Saburido Story is a bit of all those things. For those of you who don’t know the Jacqueline Saburido story, it’s the tale of a young, Venezuelan girl who had sixty percent of her body burned in a terrible car accident, the night after a party, when she and her friends were struck by a drunk driver. Saburido survived, however she became incredibly deformed, and has had over forty operations to repair her face and body.

This is her BEFORE the accident.

This is what the car looked like.

This is her AFTER the accident.

If she looks familiar, and you own a Sony Playstation you might remember her part in the hit Capcom videogame, “Resident Evil 3: Nemesis.”

If you’re wondering how I can be so heartless, it’s simple. I don’t care. Initially I felt a bit sorry for Jacqui Saburido, but upon reading the articles a few times, navigating her site, and getting past the initial shock, it comes obvious to me:

This is an ugly person trying to make me pity her for being alive. Just look at the poster. Not everyone who gets hit by a drunk driver dies. So are we saying that this is worse than death? Is Jacqueline Saburido claiming she wishes she was no longer living?

Apparently, yes… Yes, it’s sad that she’s disfigured. You know what else was sad and left people disfigured? Vietnam. What’s her point? As I went further through the site I found out that there’s a lot more on here, such as an option to send her mail and view her poster.

Oh, wait, you can’t view the poster, she wants you to BUY it for $10.00. Right now in my room I have a poster of attractive and BEAUTIFUL Lesbians kissing which I paid 6.99 for. What makes her think I’m going to pay $10.00 to look at a face that gives me nightmares or shoot at in zombie-killing videogames?

Upon further inspection if you mail her she won’t write you back because her hands are deformed… hmm…

…then the immediate next paragraph talks about how Jacqui wants to write a book; OH that is SO MUCH EASIER than writing a letter, because you know, 300 pages of paper are easier to write than just ONE reply. Why the hell should I give her all this money then?

I read further to find out that Jacqui didn’t have health insurance. Oh wow, so I should pay YOU because YOU didn’t think you’d ever get into a car accident? Her own ignorance caused her to be unable to pay her bills, here. She doesn’t do autographs, or free posters, or even write you back. To me it sounds like she wants money just for being ugly, at which point I had a conversation with Anri, fellow staff member about this, where she said it best:

[22:29] Anri: I can understand her problem if she used to be an ugly girl. But she was a pretty girl who is now ugly. Well boo-fucking-hoo, there are people who were born ugly. She’s had her time in the sun.
[22:34] Anri:: ‘Jacqui was young and beautiful. Then she was burned alive.’ See, is that supposed to make me feel sorry for her? She’s not beautiful anymore? I feel more sorry for people who will never get a chance to be beautiful.
[22:35] Riv: Like Heidi? (Heidi was a fat ugly girl from our forums)
[22:35] Anri:: Beautiful people spend all their time saying how it’s what’s inside that counts, and then they turn ugly and they’re like ‘Oh please send me money!’
[22:38] Anri:: Awww, poor Jacqui. Her free ride is over. Oh dear, I must send lots of money.

Indeed, this girl is deformed now, and all of a sudden we’re supposed to feel bad for her because she was pretty once upon a time? What about the people that are ugly their entire lives? Plus, take a look at that ugly red shirt. She should be glad she’s got a hideous face as it’s a distraction from her horrible fashion sense.

These people, pictured above are the ones I pity. Car accident or not, they still look like total ass, and you don’t see me sending THEM any money or sympathy cards or anything. In fact they should SEND ME gifts for my pitying them enough to feature them on a website millions and millions of people will read.

Even further investigation found this little tidbit about our little sweet angel who can do no wrong:

 Early on Sunday morning September 19, 1999, Jacqui -- then 20 years old -- and four friends were on their way home from a birthday party. Reggie Stephey, an 18-year-old high school student, was on his way home from drinking beer with some buddies. On a dark road on the outskirts of Austin, Texas, Reggie’s SUV veered into the Oldsmobile carrying Jacqui and the others. Two passengers in the car were killed at the scene and two were rescued.

We're just drinking juice, we swear!

We're just drinking juice, we swear!

So, her and four friends were partying, eh? By the looks of this picture of Jacqui & friends, for a person worried about alcohol, they sure seem to be downing some heavy pina coladas. Maybe the drunk driver wasn’t the only drunk in the equation.

The guy who hit her is serving a seven year prison sentence. He’s not crying because of what he’s done, and he’s not crying because he’s going to jail, but probably because he’s likely been told that he’s going to have to marry the ugly bitch once he gets out to pay penance for turning her into a roasted marshmallow.

Besides, because of this whole “car accident,” Jacqui is as famous as she is ugly. The site, the posters, the billboards… she even had an appearance on Oprah.

You know she sort of reminds me of someone in that picture. I can’t put my finger on it.

Ahh… That’s it.

But honestly, Jacqui Saburido has an excellent future ahead of her despite looking like a Crash Dummy now, and has several options, as said earlier, such as public speaking and writing a book. If that doesn’t work, you can see that he’s donned a nice Rey Mysterio mask and might look for a potential future in Lucha Libre.

Also, she’s become quite a sex symbol. Not only is she rumored to be marrying the man that did this to her, but take a look at this little number:

As you read the captions above, do you think that this Hafetz fellow is putting the meat to her? Limo ride, all the closeness, the whole “vulnerable, easy, and ugly” thing… I bet he’s giving it to the forty percent of her that isn’t KFC-Crispy.

And, I mean, look at all the single eligible burnt-bachelors waiting to meet her!

Don’t be shy Jacqui! Accept his love, so you can embrace and give birth to many, many burnt-up babies!!!

I really don’t see what the big deal is. Maybe if she traded that ugly hat she always wears for a nice wig and stapled it to her head, she’d look just a bit less Kreuger-y. I mean a little makeup here, some artificial hair there. I know her eyes are grotesque and malformed and shit, but hell, I’ll loan her my red sunglasses and she’s as good as new. Send her to the wharf a few weekends, and she’s bound to get lucky sooner or later.

Yoo-hoo, Sailor Boy! I’m ready!!!

Yoo-hoo, Sailor Boy! I’m ready!!!

So, in short, save yourself the money and the tears crying for Jacqui Saburido. If you’re against drinking and driving, be against it because it’s dangerous and stupid, not because some pretty chick turned ugly as a result of it. It’s nothing another 60 years wouldn’t have eventually done to her face anyway – Mother Nature and the Fire element just sped up the fucking process.

Oh, and did this offend you? If so leave a comment and tell me how much of an asshole I am.

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