This is an interesting night to be recapping RAW if for nothing else the fact that many of the indy promotions, including ISW and BeyondWrestling, who have had talent appear on our site and show are hosting an event called the #RAWlternative, where Independent Wrestlers are doing a live, free broadcast, with some of their absolute best matches and talent going head-to-head with RAW. The event is trending on Twitter, people are talking about it and I think it is brilliant – and that’s a good reason for me to recap Monday Night RAW, to do the whole “watching it so you don’t have to” bit that I’ve done for years now.
Oh yeah, I took last week off because fuck you, none of you guys pay me (firstname.lastname@example.org by the way via PayPal. I really wasn’t feeling last week’s show but have faith that since this is a go-home show it will be decent… …clearly my optimism is my biggest flaw.
I forgot it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Thanks for reminding me, RAW. I seriously keep forgetting. I walked all the way to the mailbox, checked the mail, I go “wait there’s no mail, what the hell?” Then I face-palm remembering “oh wait it’s a holiday.” Often I wonder what Martin Luther King Jr. would think if he saw all the ridiculousness when people get out of hand and assume things are racist which are not. You know somewhere, somebody is reading this and raging that I “forgot” it was Martin Luther King Jr. day until now. People are so sensitive. RAW is live from Dallas, Texas tonight. I wonder if anyone backstage is watching #RAWlternative or if anyone in management is sweating it. I think that competition is good so I hope it does well.
Raw reminds us a bunch of legends will be here, including Kevin Nash who has the domestic violence charges dropped and thus had his suspension lifted, which is good because I don’t think he should have been suspended to begin with. This was originally supposed to be an nWo reunion gig but since they added people to make up for Nash, now it’s just a “random old people thing.” I wonder if they are going to play Bingo and Chess in the middle of the ring. I don’t mind legends now and then but this feels random. I guess it’s not entirely weird as it’s been a long time since they’ve done one of those “Old School RAW” specials.
RAW brings out the big guns tonight though and starts with Brock Lesnar. Lesnar interrupts Paul Heyman’s usual introduction for him and demands Seth Rollins comes out here to fight. He’s not surprised when Rollins does not appear. Instead, Triple H’s theme hits and the Chief Operating Officer of the WWE makes his way to the ring because in wrestling when you call someone out there’s only like a 7% chance the person you called out actually shows up.
Hunter tries to be the voice of reason but is hesitant to get inside the ring – he knows how easy it is for Brock to just get pissed off and break an arm. HHH tries to bribe Brock Lesnar with steak. Is Brock even supposed to eat steak after all that diverticulitis-related surgery? Brock asks if HHH is here to talk or here to fight and Heyman is worried Brock is going to destroy their meal ticket by murdering HHH.
Stephanie’s theme hits, and I’m not quite sure Lesnar wouldn’t beat the shit out of her, too, given the chance. She brings back-up in the form of Kane and the Big Show – but that would have been more impressive back-up ten or twelve years ago. The suit life is not kind to Kane, and “being fat” is not kind to the Big Show. I do laugh at how queer Show and Kane look coming down to her “Queendom” entrance theme. I think we should make that a permanent change.
I honestly would enjoy Brock Lesnar killing everyone. Stephanie tries to calm everyone only for Seth Rollins to appear on the Titantron. He mocks Lesnar and says Brock will get his shot at Seth Rollins at the Royal Rumble when he takes the belt off of the Beast Incarnate. Heyman tells Rollins to let the adults talk and tells Stephanie and Hunter to control their pet puppy becase otherwise Lesnar is going to handle this himself and destroy everyone in his path – except for New Day who could get hit by a bus in the WWE Universe and survive because “black.”
John Cena and his 900th new shirt are out here. I feel like there’s a box of 64 Crayola Crayons and every 3 months one is chosen at random to be the new color for Cena’s t-shirt. Cena says he’s fired up and he’s never going to give up and he’s going to knock the teeth out of Brock’s mouth and Seth Rollins’ mouth and take back his title. Stephanie and Seth Rollins turn this into blaming John Cena for the fact Ryback, Dolph Ziggler, and Erick Rowan got fired. I’m sort of confused as to what the pay-off is going to be. Seth Rollins botches his scripted promo when he says Cena should “tuck his legs between his legs,” and walk away. Rollins says Cena’s time is up and the right thing for Cena to do is bow out of the match gracefully. Cena says nobody here has to like him but when he beats Lesnar and Rollins everyone will respect him.
Cena then tries to force the Authority to put a stipulation on the match that if Cena wins Ryback, Rowan, and Ziggler all get rehired. This is one of those stipulations that I hope doesn’t happen because it’d be the “boring and predictable” payoff. HHH makes the stipulation for TONIGHT’S MATCH that if Cena wins they are rehired and if Cena loses he loses his title shot. HHH and Stephanie say the WWE universe can vote on it. 20 minutes of this and we still don’t know who the match is against or what the stipulations are.
Daniel Bryan is fighting Bray Wyatt – what was a main event tier match last year is now sort of an afterthought on RAW – and that’s after Bryan has come back from a near-career-threatening injury and Bray is just… lost in the shuffle. Why does everyone feel lost and awkward on this show now?
When you get to the point Bray’s entrance, arguably the best thing about him, isn’t even fully shown on television, it’s probably showing WWE has no idea what to do with the guy. This is somewhat why I wish the “brand split” was still a thing because you had people on Smackdown you could not see on RAW and vice-versa. A lot of people didn’t like the brand split when it first happened, but in retrospect it was a smart move to prevent the same 10 people from being used over and over. Daniel Bryan is on the offensive but is interrupted by Corporate Kane.
Bryan stares down Kane as he comes to the ring, and I question why Bryan has been feuding with Kane for almost two whole fucking years now. I try not to fall asleep because I feel like Bryan is lost in the shuffle on his return. I question whether or not the best spot would have been to NOT MENTION BRYAN AT ALL AND JUST HAVE HIM COME OUT AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE. Then we’d be spared “let’s just have him have fights and issues with people he’s already fought like 50 times last year.” I am told the company finds Brie, his wife, to be more valuable and start worrying in my mind they will have Brie Bella eliminate her husband from the Royal Rumble to set up a “spousal argument” on WWE’s TRUE flagship show, Total Divas.
The match is actually decent with Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan putting on a match comparable to what they have on Pay-Per-View level events. However, Kane ruins it and I can’t even care.
Legends panels are always boring. At least it's not HBK, Hogan, and Flair in a Lemon Party. That would be much, much worse.
Hall and Nash are here in their nWo shirts who want Hunter to drop the suit and bang Nani… err… I mean hang out with them.
Shawn Michaels wants HHH to come out with the Legends panel and re-hire all the guys he fired and just torment them when they are here. HHH says he doesn’t come onto Shawn’s show and tell him how to kill dead animals.
The guys complain there’s no X-Pac when Sandow comes in dressed like X-Pac and does the crotch chopping. The Real X-Pac shows up and wants to hire him when Miz arrives and snatches Mizdow away. I wonder if Damien Xpacdow would have sex with Chyna if he saw the pornographic videos. By the way you can read ALL THREE OF MY CLASSIC REVIEWS of those videos on http://postonthisboard.forums.net with a valid account. Nash asks what kind of show Hunter is running and he face-palms in shame which pretty much sums up RAW’s creative direction. I admit I laughed. The nostalgia is definitely there when all those guys are in the same place, though, so I enjoyed this segment.
The “Legends Panel” is up next. Byron Saxton introduces Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, and Shawn Michaels. I do notice how close HBK is with Flair, and… not so much with Hogan. Remember the match the two had at Summerslam where HBK oversold ALL of Hogan’s offense because of creative differences? All three men are asked if John Cena should put his title match on the line to get Ziggler, Ryback, and Rowan reinstated. Flair is the only one that does not want Cena to do it. The next subject is to talk about winning the Royal Rumble, which all three of these men have done. Flair won the WWE title in 1992 which was vacant at the time. He name-drops and says it was a great honor. Saxton now asks about HBK, one of the few men to win back to back Royal Rumble matches. In other words this is a giant Rumble commercial. Now the three men are asked their picks to win. HBK picks Bray Wyatt to win the Royal Rumble. Hogan picks Daniel Bryan. Flair is asked last and picks Dean Ambrose.
The fact they picked the people they did just means Reigns is going to win the Royal Rumble to fuck all of you over. Speaking of Reigns, the Big Show whom Roman Reigns is feuding with makes his way to the ring to complain he wasn’t chosen. He’s not chosen because he’s a bum. A fat bum. The World’s Largest Bum. The Big Bum. He complains about these guys, and he keeps talking and I wonder why I’m watching this. I hope all of you watched #RAWlternative instead of this because this is crap-on-a-stick. And this is their GO HOME show. Roman Reigns comes to make the save. Oh yeah, in between Flair got punched. But I began to do legitimately ANYTHING ELSE with my time. Oh well, at least they didn’t let Reigns speak.
Am I the only one who thinks Renee Young’s hair looks stupid now? I never thought she was great to begin with but the hair definitely looks worse. She tells John Cena 85% of the audience want John Cena to put his title match on the line against saving Rowan, Ryback, and Ziggler. She asks if this is a sign the audience hates Cena and doesn’t want him to have title shots – Cena enters denial and thinks it is because the fans believe in him and can save those guys. I would really laugh if after all of this either the three guys kick Cena’s ass or eventually Cena does in fact turn heel (although that is highly unlikely to EVER happen).
RAW is almost half over and it’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day – where the hell is our obligatory “New Day wins a Match” match? We come back from commercials and Bad News Barrett is out here.
He should tell us that the Bad News is that there’s still 90 more minutes of this show. Barrett is one on one against Dean Ambrose. Now here’s a match that might be interesting. These two have fought before but they are two guys that haven’t fought each other so many times that it bores me. This match is actually good enough that it could have been an Intercontinental Title match to increase the stock and would have worked. Barrett goes for the Bullhammer, but when he realizes the shot’s not clear goes for Wasteland. Ambrose counters into the Dirty Deeds (which is now a double arm DDT by the way) to get a clean victory over the Intercontinental Champion.
I hope its Benoit.
New Day could fight ANYONE TODAY and win the match. They have a 200/100 overall – EACH because of what today is. They will not enjoy this advantage again until February 1st 2015, at which point they will be invincible until February 28th, 2015.
Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are to be sacrificed to the New Day. Adam Rose is with them as well to neutralize the “third man” factor of the New Day when it comes to conventional tag team matches. I like Kidd, and I like Cesaro, but I feel like this team is just thrown together. Cesaro should be main eventing, or at least upper-midcard, and Kidd should have held at least a few US Title or IC Title reigns at this stage in his career – that guy is awesome, even if he hates me over an Asked segment. Kidd plays a great “sad husband” and “cat aficionado” and has been highly amusing, making the most out of his recent small push of airtime. Kingston wins with a roll-up.
Kofi’s reward is he gets to cuckold all the white women Rosebuds.
The NWO is up next – Hogan doesn’t want to have to dye his beard so X-Pac is going to be taking his place.
I have to say it’s a cool feeling no matter how old these guys get to see them together. Although I really wish Nash would have used the Just For Men. The man looks 20 years younger when he dyes his hair. Scott Hall has come a long way as well, and it’s good to see him sober (sort of sober) and in the ring. He does his old “survey” deal and asks who is here for the RAW Reunion and how many people are here for the nWo? Nash begins to plug the Network. He then says when the nWo invaded WCW, WWE stepped up its game with Stone Cold Steve Austin, DX and the entire Attitude Era. Nash says they may have egos but they’re probably responsible for EVERYTHING GREAT that has EVER BEEN CREATED anyway. Other than some circles around the eyes, X-Pac has NOT aged. X-Pac is interrupted by the Ascension, who don’t like tag teams.
Also Vince doesn’t like them, hence their burial by the commentators despite being called up. That’s a shame. These guys aren’t really all that bad and being an LOD/Demolition rip-off isn’t such a shame either since no such team currently exists. Viktor grabs the microphone and calls these men 3 old dogs begging to be put out of their misery. Konnor adds that they are the two to do it. Konnor adds they were “born and bred to rip and shred.” Viktor says that a tag team from WCW could never touch them, mocking the Outsiders. The crowd is firmly behind the nWo, however. JBL is not happy with this and begins taking his shirt and his jacket off.
JBL says wearing shoulderpads and spikes does not make these men a legendary team and begins snapping on them. Holy fuck, I hope this leads to APA vs. Ascension. JBL says he knew the Ascension would do this and…
FUCK YES. BEST SHIT I’VE SEEN ON THIS SHOW ALL NIGHT.
Road Dogg and Brian Roth’s favorite, Billy Gunn, are out here. The New Age Outlaws want to get in on this. I like the Outlaws but I really like the idea of it just being APA vs. Ascension. The Outlaws call Ascension jackasses and cheap shot the team which then proceed to get their asses kicked. Viktor is left alone with all of these men and JBL drops Viktor with the Clothesline from Hell. Fucking hell, he’s still got it.
I enjoyed that segment.
The Authority actually has some dweeb give them a drum roll as they announce Cena’s opponent tonight – Seth Rollins, and the Big Show, and Kane.
They fire drum guy then some fat guy plays Taps. In before the Taps guy and the Drum guy help Cena win it all.
Nikki Bella’s tits, accompanied by Nikki Bella and Brie Bella, who has no tits, are in the commentary booth to watch Paige and Natalya vs. Summer Rae and Alicia. I find myself caring a lot less about the Divas division BECAUSE I refuse to watch Total Divas and thus don’t care about these Total-Divas-Induced-feuds. Paige wins this brief match with the PTO and a staredown between Natalya & Paige and the Bella Twins follows.
Russian Fat Grimace Guy, Rusev is out here. I am out of witty shit to say because I am bored. Also fuck Rusev for blocking me, even though I deserve it as I have made fun of him since his NXT days where he wore a skirt and broke boards looking like a fat faggot. Lana always looks nice, though. She has that “I’m a bot on Tinder trying to steal your credit card number” look to her.
R-Truth believes he is going to be able to beat Rusev because he is protected by the same I’M BLACK card as New Day, however, that card only works for the “first black person/team to appear that night” so R-Truth is about to get murdered by a sweaty human trafficker looking guy.
R-Truth dies and Rusev’s Angry Tetris Music plays while he slowly dies on the ground as if he ran into racist cops. Can we just release R-Truth already? He brings nothing to the table at this stage in his career.
Seth Rollins and his boyfriends… err… walking gloryholes… err… security team are walking around. Brock Lesnar runs into them and talks trash. I really want to see Lesnar F5 Noble and Mercury just for laughs. J and J security may protect Seth Rollins but against Lesnar he’s going to need about 10-15 more Js.
OH BOY! USOS VS. MIZ/MIZDOW AGAIN! I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE! PLEASE! MORE! I HAVEN’T HAD ENOUGH OF THIS MATCH! GIVE IT TO ME! 45 MORE TIMES AT LEAST! This is why I hope the reason you all are reading this is you decided to go watch #RAWlternative instead. Usos win. I’ll win when this is over and I can watch Gotham and Sleepy Hollow instead.
I really don’t care about this main event. Somehow Cena is going to overcome the odds to end this horrible angle involving Ziggler/Ryback/and Rowan. But I can’t really think of any conditions that would make me actually give a shit. I actually leave the room to talk about my day with my family and do other things. It’s not John Cena – I want to point that out – the man isn’t at fault for the awful booking and the fact they overdose us on him. He’s not on the creative team and he doesn’t have creative control. He does what he can with what he’s given but these guys don’t give much. I can’t ever fault that guy on being the reason shit sucks because if it weren’t Cena it would be someone else the creative team places all their eggs in the basket on. Is this over yet?
Sting appears on the Titantron so that Michael Cole could yell VIGILANTE! VIGILANTE! VIGILANTE! THE VIGILANTE! VIGILANTE! STING! STING!
Sting points at the ring and through telekinesis causes Seth Rollins to get rolled up for the win. Now that Sting has caused Ryback, Rowan and Ziggler to get their jobs back, we have HHH and Stephanie infuriated.
HHH screams that Sting does not belong here. However instead of Sting coming back out here, Brock Lesnar makes his way to the ring angered at Rollins’ failure to take Cena out of the title picture. He just wants to hurt someone. Lesnar spears Rollins and Kane & Show remove him only for Lesnar to F5 the shit out of Kane and go back to beating on Rollins. Big Show gets an F5 as well. Seth Rollins runs with his security team in tow as Brock Lesnar looks around like a madman to close out RAW.
On an unrelated note to ANYTHING, here is Todd Chrisley’s daughter. My friend Curtis wants to put his dick in it. The end.
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