Top 10 Taken Characters That AREN'T Played by Liam Neeson!

Taken / Taken 2 (Two-Pack) [Blu-ray]
$23.16
Starring Jon Gries, Liam Neeson

As you know, from my recent trip to the movies and review of the third film, I am a huge fan of the movie Taken.  It’s probably in my fave-five of action movies, which anything after made the year 2000 really has a difficult time earning because I grew up in the era of the prime of Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, and even Steven Segal flicks hold a special place in my heart.  But Liam Neeson somehow became one of the kings of action to me if for nothing else his “serious business” demeanor in the film as Bryan Mills, the man that goes to France to kill everyone until he finds his daughter who has been kidnapped by human trafficking Albanian mob guys.

However, due to the nature of Taken as a film, it’s very easy to just see it as “Liam Neeson vs. Everyone” and forget that he’s not the only character in the fucking movie.  Unfortunately, the only two people besides myself on earth that seem to acknowledge there’s more than one person in this film are Johnny Landin and Joe Khalil.  I want all of you out there who have seen Taken (and there are LOTS of you because the movie has done well since its release in 2008), to open your eyes and open your mind and discover my TOP TEN FAVORITE CHARACTERS IN TAKEN NOT PLAYED BY LIAM NEESON in the original Taken.  You’re probably thinking “there were 10 other characters in that movie?”  Yes, there were, and  I’m going to explain who they are and why I enjoy them… or at least enjoy saying fucked up things about them that only a few people understand. 

Number 10: Stewart:

At the start of the film Bryan Mills is buying a karaoke machine for his daughter Kimmy’s 18th birthday.  He’s an awkward, somewhat out-of-touch father who thinks his daughter is still a child, and she always will be to him.  Unfortunately, being a spook has caused Bryan’s marriage to fall apart, his wife to re-marry and his daughter to essentially become a spoiled brat.

Enter Stewart, the new husband.  He’s basically a wiener, and a wallet.  He keeps Bryan’s family happy with money, and seems to take pleasure in making up for his inadequacies as a man by using his money to do things like buy a fucking pony for Kimmy – a gift that completely trumps the meager karaoke machine Bryan buys.

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There’s a moment of drama when the pony makes its appearance in which you wonder if Bryan is going to go apeshit and just shoot the fucking thing.  And I often suspend disbelief that I haven’t seen this movie fifty times and wish he would.  Stewart is the ultimate douchebag, and thinks his money and his “connections” can fix the problem of Kimmy being taken by human traffickers leading to one of the best lines in the film when Bryan informs Stewart that “now is not the time for dick measuring.”

Stewart and his small dick fuck off for the rest of the film and are never seen again.  He probably decides to go fuck the butt stallion he purchased for the birthday.  Who knows?  Stewart would eventually return in Taken 3 (although portrayed by a new actor who is 20 years younger for no apparent reason).

Number 9:  Amanda

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Amanda is Kimmy’s best friend, and at 19 years old, seems to have too much freedom, which is a nice way of me saying SHE’S A HOE.  Amanda has a lot of scenes that involve implying her parents let her do whatever she wants, that she fucks a lot, and that she wants to fuck lots of foreign men with uncut dicks.  Amanda, despite being 19, is often seen acting like a retard including jumping up and down on a sofa like a retarded child while Tick Tick Boom from the Hives plays in the background.

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Amanda also has a hand in orchestrating the giant lie that Kimmy tells Bryan to get him to approve of this trip; Amanda and Kimmy aren’t here for the purpose of “studying abroad” but to follow the band U2, towards Europe.  This makes Amanda a terrible person as she’s the only person in this millennium that still gives a shit about that cuntwad Bono.  She would probably have willingly listened to Songs of Innocence had she survived to its release.

WHEN THE DICK TOO GOOD.

WHEN THE DICK TOO GOOD.

Instead Amanda is written off when she is taken by human traffickers and promptly fucked to death.  No, really.  Halfway through the film, Bryan finds Amanda with no pants on, apparently drugged the hell out of and fucked – TO DEATH.  She got fucked so much her skin turned gray like she lost her soul to Shang Tsung in the Mortal Kombat films.  Oh well, at least she didn’t live long enough to point the finger at Bill Cosby who is the go to in 2015 for anything bad that has happened to any woman EVER. 

Number 8:  Lenore

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Lenore is Bryan Mills’ estranged wife, now married to Small Dick Stewart.  She has a grudge against Bryan for being absent most of Kimmy’s life, and expresses disappointment over his OCD and his controlling personality.  The only reason she’s on this list is because she’s played by Famke Jensen who is the ultimate hot older woman.  It’s a known fact I keep little silly Wolverine dog tags on.  I’d bang Famke while wearing only those and call her Jean the entire time. 

I’d bang Famke and then smile and disintegrate when I’m done like when she killed Charles Xavier in X-Men.  Other than that, Lenore is usually a fucking bitch.

Number 7:  Alexander Rusev

Alexander Rusev plays Human Trafficker 6, 12, 11, and 14 in Taken.  Oh, wait… that’s not Rusev from the WWE?  Oh well, every other person in this film Bryan murders looks like him, so… my bad.

Number 6:  Sam

Sam (I had to look up his name on IMDB in this film), is one of the three other guys who Bryan Mills seems to have a long standing working relationship with in this movie.  He seems to be the tech guy, and it’s hard to believe him as any sort of bad ass because he’s exceptionally tiny.

He really only gets on this list, not because of Taken, but because every time I see him I’m reminded the actor who plays him was in an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, and was a schizophrenic who believed the KASHISTIS were after him. This results in Stabler lying to him and telling him the Kashistis are going to kill him just to watch him have a violent outburst and force Dr. Huang to sedate him.  Sometimes, Eliot Stabler is just a dick.

Number 7:  Peter

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Peter is the first person we come across working for the Albanian Human Traffickers in France.  He’s hilarious because Landin and I have made over 250 jokes since 2008 about how Peter’s awkward, ridiculous, and downright retarded mannerisms are exactly how to pick up women from foreign countries and make them fuck… after all, it works on Amanda, who decides she’s going to fuck him within 10 minutes of meeting him.  What a hoe.

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Peter’s role is simple:  He creeps outside the airport and waits for foreigners to land then hits them up with “TAXI EES SO DEM EXPENSEEVE” – this is so he can find out where girls are staying, jot it down, and send human traffickers to take them.  Also he manages to butcher Beach Boys songs any time someone from California lands.

Peter’s finest moment comes from Bryan chasing him on the highway where Peter tries to emulate Spider-Man by jumping over a railing onto another stretch of road below.  He is promptly killed off in the Wily Coyote manner, by getting run over by a truck, which is probably still a less painful way to go than letting Liam Neeson get his hands on you.

Number 6: Random Black Guy In Airport

This guy is awesome.  I don’t even think he legitimately had anything to do with the plot or anything going on. He just randomly attacks Bryan Mills at the airport and jumps in on his fight with Peter.  It reminds me of the 1980s when your friends would be on a really hard boss in the arcades and you’d throw in a quarter and press START to join in!  I also think he very well might be the only black person in the entire movie which somehow makes his existence that much funnier.

Number 5:  Marco from Tropoja

Marco from Tropoja is pretty much the antagonist of the movie, even if he dies half-way through it.  He’s the guy who responds to Bryan Mills’ epic threat speech with a simple “GOOD LUCK” and hangs up, because he’s gangsta like that.  Marco is probably the scummiest looking person in the entire film, and in a film filled with that much Alexander Rusev that’s a difficult thing to do.  Marco also doesn’t have a last name, which makes me believe he *IS* Tropoja.  This is confirmed when the human traffickers are found by Bryan Mills, and when he asks which one is Marco, they respond with “WE ALL ARE MARCO.”  I believe that this isn’t actually them being dicks to Mills, and that they are simply a hive mind that all function when Marco wants them to.  The sequel, Taken 2, involves Liam Neeson fighting like 100 Marco from Tropojas and his father. 

Number 4: Patrice Saint Clair

Patrice Saint Clair is the man responsible for actually selling the women Marco kidnaps on the black market to high priced buyers.  He’s a soft-spoken, easy going, white guy, likely American (due to his accent), and makes the list due to the fact, he’s just a gosh-darn decent guy who likes throwing really nice parties.  You feel like if he weren’t a human trafficking piece of shit he could be your best friend, or your neighbor.

He’s got that whole Ned Flanders nice fellow feel to him.  Once they catch Bryan Mills in their home, Patrice even tries to RELATE to Bryan by telling him “hey look, I have three daughters too, and I’d probably be upset if they got sold too… but this is business so sorry about the fact I’m about to sell your daughter’s pussy to some Arab guy.  No hard feelings.”  He’s so nice about it.  I mean, at least he bothered to say “sorry” which is much more than anyone else did in this film.

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Saying sorry doesn’t mean much when it’s LIAM FUCKING NEESON coming to take your life, though.

Number 3: The Sheik

The Sheik is the somewhat anti-climactic final boss of the film.  He’s just a fat balding Arab slob.  Also for some reason he isn’t tan but orange – legitimately Oompa Loompa orange.   To me he represents the “what might have been” of the movie Taken.  He doesn’t even get to speak because the minute he opens his mouth, Bryan shoots him with pinpoint accuracy in the head.

So what MIGHT HAVE BEEN?  Would he have said some epic Mark Twain shit that blew my mind?  Also what would have happened if he had won?  Would he have kept Kimmy or let all the other Oompa Loompas and Willy Wonka turn her out when he was done devirginizing her?  Also, with his health would he have even survived the power of the ejaculate?  Kimmy’s vagina might have killed him otherwise.  We will never know.  I feel like we need Uatu the Watcher to do a “What If” comic based on the Taken universe.

Number 2:  Jean-Claude (a.k.a “Desk Guy.”)

Number 2 on the list is Jean-Claude, an exceptional supporting character.  Aside from having a miserable face that reminds me of a sad frog, Jean-Claude seems to have a history with Bryan, which prompts Bryan asking for his aid.  Jean-Claude, however, is reluctant to help and his only function is to turn up randomly and remind Bryan that “I HAVE A DESK NOW.”  His anger towards Bryan seems to be because Bryan does not respect the power of the desk, nor the fact that with a great desk comes great responsibility.

Eventually this “I HAVE A DESK” tension comes to a head when Jean-Claude informs Bryan that he also has a BOSS who sits behind AN EVEN BIGGER DESK.  I’m somewhat disappointed we never see this alluded to SUPER DESK GUY and I do feel a bit let down that BIGGER DESK GUY was not the final boss of Taken 3 to end out the series.

Jean-Claude is a life lesson to us all to “please remember your friend has a desk now.”  It’s actually much deeper than you realize – it’s a metaphor.  It’s what happens when you get old and all your friends get married.  It’ll blow your mind when you realize ALL YOUR FRIENDS HAVE A DESK NOW.  This isn’t about a desk, this is about life.  About faded friendships.  About the world we live in when the people you knew best say “Sorry I can’t blow up half of France with you, I have responsibilities.”  He’s the realization of ended friendships, and the lamentation of times lost.  He’s the deepest motherfucker in this whole goddamn film… and it is important that you understand he has a desk.

Number 1:  Kimmy

Kimmy, Bryan’s daughter is #1 on this list mainly so that people can’t accuse me of being misogynistic for putting all the women on the low end of the list.  She’s also on top because she is CERTIFIED PURE, and because we get to see like 1/5th of a second of her in a thong when she’s being sold.

I don’t know if I would pay $500,000 to bang her, but I can’t help but wonder if she’d be a good fucker or mad awkward for her first time, or if you’d even get to bang her or if Liam Neeson would do a run in and gun you down.  I’d like to think that for all the trouble everyone goes through in this series because of her that her vagina must feel like sliding your penis into the gates of Heaven.  It’s also interesting to note that Maggie Grace, the actress who portrays Kimmy in Taken actually gets Liam Neeson to call her ex-boyfriends IN REAL LIFE to talk shit to them, as seen in this clip from the Conan O’Brien show:

While she’s #1 on the list I realize if I ever nailed her I’d probably be murdered immediately following.  Maybe me banging her can be the premise for Taken 4.  It would be an honor to be murked by Liam Neeson.

So there you have it, there ARE people in this movie other than Liam Neeson and their roles, however minor they may be can be very enjoyable if you’re a sick twisted lunatic such as myself.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sit behind a desk.

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