Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (September 8, 2014)

Last few minutes of NCIS. Here is the black dude for no reason.

That dude is dope.  He reminds me of a cartoon dog.  It’s that time of year where the RAW product gets worse but I have to work on recaps even more intently due to the fact that people who watch football come here to find out what happened on RAW. If you’re one of those people, rent is due, paypal me at jasonrivera@gmail.com – I don’t get paid for this gig and I don’t get laid for this gig and I should.

This Asian chick on the last few minutes of NCIS looks like she sucks a good dick; not going to lie.  I should put “banging an Asian” on my bucket list but most Asian chicks are gold-diggers and I am poor.  MAYBE I WOULD NOT BE POOR if you sent me money via paypal at jasonrivera@gmail.com – hey if the “9.99 shilling” works on you, maybe this will too.

The cage is coming down as Bray Wyatt will take on Chris Jericho to open up Monday Night RAW on what is being billed as the “season premiere” of RAW.  How does a show that does not take seasons off or go into reruns have a “season premiere?”  Is it “FOOTBALL SEASON PREMIERE” as in “Raw is going to be tough to watch until football season is over?”

Jericho’s light-up jackets are still awesome. 

Bray Wyatt’s entrance is still equally as impressive.  The question I have isn’t who wins but where do these two men go after this match?  After a sort of “average” cage match, both men try to escape the cage door and Bray is successful then succeeds in destroying Jericho anyway after the match.  Remember two weeks ago when people swore Bray was being buried?  Yeah, about that.  Also the Authority really doesn’t like Roman Reigns, in case you forgot.

Back at ringside Dolph Ziggler, the Intercontinental Champion, has something to say.  He talks about the celebrities who got hacked via the cloud.  I love the fact WWE is actually going to "go there" and reference The Fappening.  He claims he has photos of the Miz.

Here is the Miz getting a “facial.”  I really wish we’d find his stash of nasty photos of his wife Maryse.

Miz shaving his chest. Before Dolph Ziggler can show us what he claims is the worst one, Miz and Miz 2 come out here. The Miz begins mocking Jennifer Lawrence’s words when she got hacked by repeating similar phrases and threatening to sue everyone. 

The next picture is Damien Sandow spray tanning the Miz’s bare ass.  I bet spray tanning his ass isn’t all Sandow does to it.  Ziggler then hits Sandow with the Zig-Zag and threatens Miz to make a move.  The Miz retreats.

What the fuck is this? 1998?  Nobody cares about Springer anymore. 

Oh no, Total Divas commercial.  That's what every Divas segment becomes until the show ends for the season, essentially.   AJ and Paige will be the opponents for Natalya and Rosa.

AJ is looking somewhat decent tonight.  Enjoy her while you can since her husband’s stupid lawsuit is going to cause her to be buried UNDER the ring soon.

Paige is here.  THE MEAT IS FRESH.  Paige and AJ get the win in a mediocre match full of Rosa Mendes mis-steps and failures.  Rosa and Natalya will whine about this on Total Divas I’m sure.

Meanwhile Paige and AJ take turns kissing the Divas title.  I wish I were that belt. I'd have a raging erection right now. Backstage for no reason Randy Orton assaults Chris Jericho and blames the season premiere.

O…k?

Paul Heyman is here to mock John Cena.   Once he says he has something he has to say to Cena and would say it to his face if he was here, Cena himself comes out.

Cena tells Heyman he can go ahead and say it to his face now.  Heyman says he has a warning from Brock Lesnar to John Cena.  Or rather he has information and that is how to beat Brock Lesnar at Night of Champions.  Heyman tells Cena “give in.”  He demands that Cena begin to put the fans in their place when they yell CENA SUCKS after the years he gave them.  He says bust a rap on them. 

Heyman begins rapping which is epic.  He tells John Cena to let it go. Give it in.  He doesn’t need to sell his soul to the devil because the devil sold his soul to Paul Heyman a long time ago.  John Cena tells PAUL HEYMAN to SHUT UP and that he’s not going to turn his back on all the people who have believed in him over the years.  John Cena talks about doing right for the babies, and the soldiers, and the Make a Wish Kids. He should have told Paul Heyman he also gets to put in Nikki Bella’s ass. Cena says bring Brock here next week to fight Cena because if he doesn’t Cena will beat up Heyman instead.

Heyman makes his best "just found out from the doctor that I have AIDS" face.

Nothing says UGH like Sheamus, and usually I love watching Rollins in the ring.  This is an UGHfest of UGH, full of FUCK SHEAMUS until Cesaro decides to interrupt the match as Sheamus gets the advantage. 

Sheamus and Cesaro fight over the US Belt. At least neither of them are kissing it.  Seth Rollins almost entirely whiffs the curb-stomp in a botched finish but still gets the victory.  After the match Cesaro yells FELLA and his the Neutralizer on Sheamus.  I love Cesaro.   Sure the US belt is kind of worthless but I’d rather Cesaro have it than Sheamus to be honest.

Lana and Rusev come out here for propaganda and play the Russian National Anthem while mocking our own anthem.  I keep hoping for Xavier Woods to come out here playing Living in America and then getting murdered.

WWE begins to hype the WWE Network and the NXT Takeover special and as a result Tyler Breeze, Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville are all about to receive their RAW debut as Zayn and Neville take on Breeze and Kidd on RAW.  This is pretty awesome since NXT is often times more fun than RAW.

Oh this is excellent.  I’m disappointed we didn’t get to see their entrances to see how the crowd reacted although by the “OLE!” chant they are very happy to see Sami Zayn.  Breeze and Zayn start things off.  The match is pretty decent, good showing by all the talent, but it looks like the NXT Champion, Adrian Neville really had the strongest showing and most hype by the commentators as well as the best reaction by the audience when he hit the Red Arrow finish.  I’m really hoping that in the event Neville loses his belt he is called up near-immediately just like previous champions Seth Rollins, Big E, and Bo Dallas. 

Zayn after the match reminds Neville they won’t be allies Thursday night on NXT.  Good hype showing for NXT and definitely worth it.  The Springer segment is up next much to our dismay.

This segment is everything crappy you could imagine – Bad Bella Twins acting (and their other family members), stupid brawls that damage Jerry Springer, Total Divas plugs everywhere.  For as awesome as NXT on RAW was tonight, this was a complete buzzkill and nobody cared.  Now everybody just wants RAW to be over.

Stardust and Goldust are taking on Los Matadores because Goldust tossed El Torito and he hasn’t been seen since.  After Goldust and Stardust get a quick momentum victory, the Usos attack Goldust and Stardust on the ramp to try to get a measure of revenge.  Afterward WWE pays tribute to Joan Rivers, probably because she’s one of the only 6 celebrities Vince McMahon remembers exists these days.

Titus O’Neil and Heath Slater are out here because last week Slater got beaten up by the bunny of Adam Rose’s entourage.  It’s time for another shot.   Titus loses again, and the bunny superkicks Slater, then comes flying off the top rope onto Titus after the match.

Once this is all over we get our Reigns-Orton main event which to be perfectly honest I don’t care about.  I mean it was alright at Summerslam but I don’t care to see it again.

The match ends with the Authority beginning to beat the crap out of Reigns while some army of tech guys begin working on something under the ring.  Apparently the steel cage from earlier is being lowered.  Reigns manages to fight his way up and clear Kane and Rollins from the cage.  Reigns manages to grab a steel chair that was meant for Orton.  Rollins climbs the cage and dives onto Roman to turn this back in favor of the Authority and now Kane is back to his feet and begins to toss Roman all around the cage.  Orton begins beating Reigns repeatedly with the chair. 

Seth Rollins begins trash talking Reigns about how he owes him his entire career, setting him up to curb stmp him on the steel chair to the chorus of a YOU SOLD OUT chant.  Good way to end RAW, in my opinion.  It’s too bad the energy of the show seemed to dissipate after the Jerry Springer segment.  I think everybody knew it was going to be bad but it was just awkward and annoying to even deal with.  The high point has to be the NXT match on RAW in my opinion.  The best thing about this RAW being over is that next week we won’t have to hear the words SEASON PREMIERE over and over and over and over again.