Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (September 22, 2014)

So I didn’t recap RAW last week – well I did, but the show was so rough to get through that I really didn’t like the way my recap turned out to the point I took last week and the rest of the week off.  It happens.  It especially happens when nobody shows me the love – so submit feedback, throw a few dollars in donations to the PayPal (jasonrivera@gmail.com), share it, talk about it, and if you’re over 18 female and hot, hell, KIK and Snapchat me some nudes or something, I don’t know – just give me a reason to get my head back in the game.

Last night was Night of Champions and truth be told it was a decent Pay Per View although sour, dour, and miserable wrestling fans may not think so.  Goldust & Stardust won the tag titles off of the Usos, Dean Ambrose returned to replace an injured Roman Reigns, and Brock Lesnar is STILL the champion (although people are upset it is due to an unclean schmozz finish when Seth Rollins attempted to capitalize on John Cena and Brock Lesnar both before the match ended, causing a disqualification).  Apparently that was enough in the main event to make this the “OMG WORST PPV EVER,” to all the crybabies out there… until the NEXT PPV that is “OMG THE WORST PPV EVER.”  Seriously, some of you guys are fucking drama queens – over wrestling at that.  You gotta learn to take the good with the bad.

Tonight I’m going to multitask and play WWE Supercard and try to rank up in that whole “ranked mode” before the deadline.  Maybe I’ll get some better cards or some shit.  Yes, I’m lame, I am aware.

Dean Ambrose announces he is NOT dead and adds he is the ugly stepchild of the WWE.  He says that he’s somewhat flattered the Authority wanted to get rid of him that badly.  Ambrose said that he knows how to hold a grudge and he’s not leaving until he gets his hands on Seth Rollins because he never gets tired of punching Rollins in the face.  He throws a chair into the ring and sits down. 

John Cena comes out here and Ambrose is a bit confused.  Ambrose says that he’s going to be honest and isn’t too thrilled about Cena being in the ring and that Cena should not give Dean Ambrose a reason to dislike him.  Cena adds that they share a common enemy in Rollins.

Cena essentially calls dibs on Rollins but Dean Ambrose doesn’t deal in sloppy seconds and tells Cena that he warned him. 

Rollins comes out with the rest of the Authority. HHH says Rollins is off-limits and Cena and Ambrose will not fight anyone.  Cena and Ambrose don’t let HHH finish and both rush towards the Authority to try to get their hands on Rollins.  Rollins runs away and steals a car to get away from both Cena and Ambrose.  This really needs the Benny Hill theme. 

HHH is infuriated by the turn of events and books Orton vs. Cena 5,882 and Kane vs. Ambrose.  Kane is upset that they have to clean up Rollin’s mess.  Orton even mocks that Mr. Money in the Bank isn’t all he’s cracked up to be.

Miz is the Intercontinental Champion again much to the dismay of horny females who love Dolph Ziggler.  He even got Mizdow (Sandow) a replica IC title.  They look like ISIS members who have misplaced their hoods.  Ziggler’s rematch is tonight.  It looks like Ziggler has left his own stunt double R-Truth in the backstage area.

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I feel like Sandow holding a replica belt alone is worth Miz being the IC champion again.  It doesn’t matter which of these men holds the belt as Wade Barrett is going to bullhammer the shit out of whichever one it is by the time he is back and I am alright with both.  Miz is showing a more aggressive relentless side before the commercial break. 

After a hard-fought match Ziggler pulls the tights for a win much like Miz did last night to win the belt.  Oh well, at least Mizdow has his baby IC belt still.  The problem with this is that Miz gets a rematch (again).  I wonder how many times the belt is going to change hands between these two alone.

THIS. IS. INSPIRATIONAL.  Bo Dallas is continuing his feud with Jack Swagger tonight.  I actually like this feud.  I enjoy Swagger and Bo is a great heel.  And Zeb is pure gold.  JBL blames all of this on Swagger’s loss to Rusev and adds that since Mark Henry also lost to Rusev they should move to Costa Rica or Canada and leave this country because they are a disgrace.  Short match which ends Bo Dallas tapping out and Zeb Colter mocking Bo Dallas after the match. Zeb makes fun of Bo’s voice and says he BOLIEVES that Jack Swagger just made Bo tap out. 

Natalya is taking on Summer Rae with Layla and Rosa in the corners of their respective partners.  When did Rosa become a face?  This is a TOTAL DIVAS match and we get a Total Divas recap about Summer and Natalya hating each other.  Summer says she’s the most attractive person in the ring.  If she didn’t have a beak I’d agree. Nattie makes Summer tap out. 

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Kane vs. Ambrose is next.  I love how Kane looks like someone jizzed in his coffee.  Is Corporate Kane kind of like Malibu Barbie – where there are different versions of him?  I feel like Corporate Kane is just an excuse for him to be too lazy to change into his ring gear.  Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds but Rollins comes back out of nowhere.  Apparently he got the car resprayed to get his 2 star wanted level cleared.  Ambrose is all over Rollins but Kane is back up and chokeslams Ambrose allowing Rollins to escape.  Rollins stops halfway up the ramp and makes his way back to the fallen Dean Ambrose. 

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Ambrose is already back up and Seth Rollins escapes because he does not want to be hit with a chair.  I love this feud.

Kane and Rollins are bragging, and Triple H backstage tells Seth he needs to stop setting these fires… Ambrose rushes Rollins and Kane and begins beating them both up backstage.  Jamie Noble again physically restrains Ambrose and they lock Ambrose in a room.

Ambrose is put in time-out because WHITE PEOPLE DISCIPLINE works - just ask all the kids who shoot up schools.  Didn’t they lock Heyman up in a room last week and have Great Khali watch?  Ambrose will not be contained.  That fool looks like he’s going to shoot up a school.  Up next FUCK SHEAMUS will wrestle a SIX MAN FUCK THIS SHIT match which we’ve probably ALREADY FUCKING SEEN because FACE SHEAMUS IS AIDS.   Sheamus and the Usos vs. Cesaro, Goldust, and Stardust – I’ll take “shit we’ve seen before for $800, Alex!”  I enjoy Stardust and Goldust but we need to lock Sheamus in a room until he turns heel again.  Also I just hate re-run matches.  I decide to make myself some pina coladas because my pina coladas are legendary.  After a VERY long (filler) match the faces get the win.

Seth Rollins pretty much thanks Randy Orton for fighting his battles and tells the Viper that he appreciates him and that he and Kane will be in Orton’s corner for the match.  He also adds he has a surprise for Randy Orton (Surprise sex?).  Orton is pleased as he loves surprises, although I bet he misses the days where wrestlers were buying him entire cars (only for Kofi Kingston to throw paint on them and almost break his neck slipping on top of said car). 

JBL wants Mark Henry to move out of the country for losing to Rusev.  Mark Henry apologizes to America only to get interrupted by Rusev and Lana.

Lana says she’s willing to give Mark Henry a third chance to battle RUSEV.  She also mocks Tennesee for having hicks.  Mark Henry says he’s gonna destroy this man if the crowd wants him to.  Mark Henry gets slaughtered with almost no offense whatsoever.  The last time Henry got this humiliated it involved a drag queen sucking his dick on the Titantron and his mother watching from the audience.

Mark Henry passes out in the Accolade while Rusev squeezes the sweat from Mark Henry’s body. 

Heath Slater and TitusDick.JPG are taking on Adam Rose and Adam Rose’s Bunny.  Oh, and of course Rose and the Bunny win in one of the most… awkward things we’ve seen on RAW this year. 

Oh boy the Bella Tits are talking.  Nikki calls out Brie.  I’m glad I still have booze.  I can’t take this feud or their bad acting or Brie’s horrible singles theme. Nikki wants the rights to the Bella name.  In other words Brie needs to just be “Brie” or “Brie Bryan,” or something.  Nikki says Brie doesn’t use his last name because of buyer’s remorse.  Brie slaps the shit out of Nikki and AJ comes out here for no reason.  AJ takes on Nikki with MEAT IS FRESH PAIGE doing guest commentary. 

Ass to ass.

ASS TO ASS!!!

THE MEAT IS FRESH.  I WANT TO EAT IT.  AJ makes Nikki tap out in the black widow while Paige watches, says she’s done with all the skipping and that now it’s her turn.  Paige is not too pleased about losing that Divas title back to AJ.  I love this feud. 

The main event is next and there is a big black box by ringside as Seth Rollins and Kane make their way to the ring.  Cena and Randy Orton fight while Dean Ambrose is locked in the room (we think).  Orton vs. Cena is a lot of punishment on Cena despite being a match we’ve seen hundreds of times.  Cena is still suffering from the war with Lesnar last night and Orton wants to capitalize. 

The match is almost over and Rollins wants to reveal his surprise to be cinderblocks to curbstomp Cena on but when he pulls the veil off, it’s Dean Ambrose who begins attacking everyone he sees.  Cena makes the save when Kane once again gets in the way.  Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds on Orton, Cena hits an FU to Kane, and Seth Rollins has run away into the crowd.  The show ends with Cena and Rollins wanting their revenge.  Overall this was a nice follow-up RAW to the PPV, and looks like we have some interesting developments coming down the pipe which I am all for.