Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (September 1, 2014)

Truth be told I don’t even want to watch this crap. Can some celebrities get more of their nudes leaked so I have something more interesting to do? Because that would be cool. I decide what I’m going to do when matches suck or when there are breaks is to play more of WWE’s Supercard game using the Bluestacks emulator on my computer.

Chris Jericho is starting off RAW with the Highlight Reel.  Remember the time he punched Shawn Michaels’ wife in the face on the Highlight Reel?  That was like the best one.  Still I’m glad Jericho is starting things off.  He’s always had a good energy and that’s what both the live crowd and the audience at home need in order to enjoy this.  Jericho says that his guest today is a man who has never worked a day in his life for anything – Randy Orton.

However, Orton is not the entrance that kicks off.  The Authority comes out here looking like a walking “The Men’s Wearhouse” commercial.  Orton has HHH, Seth Rollins and Kane with him.  Chris Jericho says he did not expect Orton to bring the law offices of Sellout, Sellout, and Schnozz.  HHH and Jericho begin to have a back and forth about each other’s clothing and how HHH only handles business when Stephanie is in a jail cell somewhere.

Triple H says he has something important to say and that he doesn’t know if it is best for business to have John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar and HHH is considering a new #1 contender for Night of Champions.  Orton adds that he believes he can defeat Lesnar.  Kane, however, believes he should unleash the demon on Brock Lesnar.  Seth Rollins interrupts them both and implies that he is the future and he has already arrived.  The crowd is happy to hear from Seth Rollins because he is a hometown hero here in Iowa.

Chris Jericho now says he deserves the shot against Lesnar.  John Cena’s music hits and he walks to the ring infuriated – probably pissed that HHH wants to take his title shot away.  Cena says just because Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels don’t think John Cena can beat Lesnar doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve his rematch.  He reminds us that he made HHH tap at Wrestlemania 22 and HBK and Flair didn’t think Cena could do that either.  Cena says the rematch clause is already invoked.  Cena says that he’s going to sue HHH for everything he has, become the COO of the company and fire HHH. Triple H mocks Cena’s attempt to become JEW-N CENA and sue him, then says no matter what Cena threatens he will do what is “best for business” every single day.  Seth Rollins tries to convince HHH let him have the rematch and implies that if Cena somehow manages to win and can’t walk out of there, he’s got a briefcase he can use.  Randy Orton says he wants to fight the winner of Brock vs. Cena the next night since he never got the rematch he deserved.  Jericho interjects and says the loss to Roman Reigns that Orton endured at Summerslam shows that he’s not worthy of a title shot anymore.  Orton basically says he would take Roman out if he were here.

This cues Roman Reigns.  I smell a possible six-man of Reigns/Y2J/Cena vs Orton/Rollins/Kane main event when this is all over.  Reigns also reminds us his name belongs in the mix for the championship as well.  After the six man is made, Seth Rollins tries to jump Reigns, almost gets clobbered and then gets the briefcase thrown at him. 

Not again. No. Fuck you too WWE.

Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler are going to take on Cesaro and the Miz. It will probably end up being Cesaro and Sandow as the Miz (for a third time).  Sandow is at ringside with the Miz and Cesaro making me wonder if this means that Sandow is permanently the Miz’s bitch.

Miz pauses the match to get his makeup done (by former Asked guest Crazy Mary Dobson by the way).  What a faggot.  Standard tag match where Sheamus was in the majority of the match causing the crowd to get very fired up and anxious to see Dolph Ziggler (the current Intercontinental Champion) get into the ring.  The crowd is really enjoying the fiery offensve by Ziggler.  Miz escapes to the outside and tags Sandow (his stunt double) who yells ACTION.  Dolph drops Sandow (who never touched him) and Miz sneaks in and hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Ziggler to get the win much to the dismay of the audience.  I admit I find it hilarious.

Bella Twins video package.  This is absurd.  I’m tired of this feud already.  Nikki tells us the sad story about how Brie stole her boyfriend in high school – are we forgetting these two hoes were identical before Nikki’s boob job and that he probably didn’t know the difference?  Why is she so mad about Brie leaving her to be in 3 on 1 and 4 on 1 matches anyway – isn’t that how she kept her job by getting 3 on 1 and 4 on one gangbangs?  We’re going to get these stories all night now.  DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME BRIE USED MY DILDO IN HER ASS AND GOT SHIT ON IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?

Ugh. No.

Ugh. Hell no. Total Divas.  This match ends in a huge brawl/schmozz thing.  I don’t even care because it’s just a commercial for Total Divas.  We’re reminded Rosa is now on Total Divas because of the fact she sucks Michael Hayes’ dick while he is shitting (also called a “blumpkin”).

Lana and Rusev come out during the god-awful Wyatts vs. Fat People match and it goes from 1400 lbs. of humanity to 2000 – 300 extra lbs. of Rusev and 300 lbs. of the anus of Lana.  Rusev kicks Mark Henry in the face getting the Wyatts disqualified. 

More sad Nikki stories about how Brie stole her license and wrecked their car and got Nikki in trouble.

After we’re told NFL player Michael Sam will be here next week so WWE can pretend they love gay people and a lot of Brock lesnar/John Cena promo videos, Paul Heyman comes out here to promote the Death of John Cena that is in all our minds and hearts inevitable.

Zeb Colter is back with Jack Swagger.  Thank God.  I love Swagger and what he does regardless but Zeb just adds the ultimate element to the Jack Swagger character and I enjoy him greatly as Swagger’s manager.  Swagger fights Curtis Axel tonight who is back to being a singles competitor due to Ryback being injured and sidelined.  We’re reminded that Bo Dallas has been tormenting Swagger for weeks and contributing to Jack’s losing streak.

Bo Dallas comes out here to INSPIRE during the match.  He sets some chairs up and brings out random people to sit on stage with him.  What the hell is this?  Bo is smiling as he watches Axel vs. Swagger and as Jack Swagger makes Curtis Axel tap out. 

Bo introduces us to Richie, a farmer from the Heartland of America.  Richie bet a month’s salary on Jack Swagger winning on Summerslam – double or nothing on the rematches against Rusev.  Richie is now broke. 

Angelo, a foreign tailor, failed his citizenship test and is going to be deported back to Italy because Jack Swagger lost.

Jennifer’s son was a Jack Swagger fan. Thanks to Jack Swagger her son’s favorite wrestler is now… VLADIMIR PUTIN.

PUTIN. JPG! FUCK YES!  OFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ROSTER.

Adam Rose with facial hair.  I hope this means he’s slowly becoming Leo Kruger again and will start murdering his guests.  He’s fighting Titus O’Neil who is accompanied by Heath Slater.  The bunny and Slater get into a fight outside. This is more interesting than the actual match.  Titus is distracted by this and gets rolled up by Adam Rose.   The bunny then helps Adam Rose toss Slater into the steel steps.

Nikki tells us that Brie made her take her finals for her.  She also should tell us about the time Brie dated a fat guy but didn’t want to suck his dick so she made Nikki do it instead, or the time Brie made her watch 2 Girls 1 Cup or made her re-enact it with her and Bob Barker.  These segments are annoying because they depict Nikki as a grown-ass woman… who is obsessed with stupid shit that happened in high school.  Grow up, bitch.

Lana insults us for Labor Day and then Rusev kills Zack Ryder.  There was no point to this segment other than to have Mark Henry fight Rusev after the match.  Mark then talks about the international wing of the Hall of Pain like he hasn’t already beaten a ton of foreign people already.  Stephanie says she relates to Nikki Bella which means we’re going to get a Shane McMahon incest story one day.  She says she has a surprise for Nikki and leaves the office to bring it to us.

To quote former Asked co-host Glenn: “The meh is strong on this show.”

Stephanie and Nikki are going to be the subject of so much lesbian fan-fiction.  Stephanie has made Nikki the number 1 contender.  Brie comes out and Stephanie turns her music off and says it’s Nikki’s theme exclusively now. 

Brie is angry because she thinks that Nikki is only doing all of this to get a Divas Title match.  For some reason AJ Lee comes out here and involves herself into this situation. 

The CM Punk chant starts which is annoying.  It’s not like she doesn’t know whose dick is in her ass when she’s not actively wrestling.  AJ is angry because she never got her rematch and therefore Stephanie can’t just remove AJ from the title picture.  AJ says the Divas title will belong to her and Stephanie should let the two Bella twins work out their own problems.  Paige is now making her way to the ring.

The wonderfully fresh meat is arriving.  The only meat that hasn’t completely spoiled yet.  Ahh, to be young.  Nikki demands Brie quit and go home and have a bunch of ugly troll babies and never come back. Brie shoves Nikki and Paige goes down as well for standing a bit too close. 

AJ picks up the Divas belt and begins skipping around but Stephanie demands AJ hand over the title because it is not hers.  AJ hands it over and stares eerily at Stephanie as she does and then skips away. 

Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho will meet in a Steel Cage next week and Bray has choice words to Jericho.  Bray talks about rats and how far they may go to outrun a serpent and that it is time for Jericho to pay for his sins.  Usos are up next.  I’m rather bored of them.  Jimmy will take on the newly heel Goldust. 

I can’t help but laugh at the existence of Goldust & Stardust though. They are so ridiculous that they are awesome.  Goldust recycles the same “I want to apologize for last week” bit but the Usos aren’t buying it because unlike everyone else they actually watch Smackdown.  This match is almost the same finish as Adam Rose/Titus.  Just replace the Bunny and Slater with Jey Uso and Stardust.  The Rhodes’ family then attacks Jey Uso (who has an injured leg) after the match and crushes his leg with a steel chair against the ring post. 

Mark Henry Sweating Scenarios.  Our main event is up next and I can’t find anything to care about.  Cena gets like 30 seconds of the match and demands TAG ME IN and somehow that ends up translating into being ready for Brock Lesnar?  This RAW was a giant Diva segment and a lot of little clips telling us some gay football player is going to (maybe) be here next week and be given an open microphone. That doesn’t have to do with wrestling so why would anyone care?  That was rough.  That was like the opposite of Jennifer Lawrence’s nudes leaking yesterday.  It was painful.  I imagine that if I were a woman that is what child birth would feel like if I birthed a retarded child.  Next week probably won’t be much better.  Aren’t you glad I put up with this crap so you don’t have to?