This is one I'm bringing back from the old JasonRivera.com Archives due to the fact I'm afraid if I didn't that Finlay would appear and murder me in my sleep. Originally posted for 2006 St. Patrick's Day, I felt that due to the overwhelming and increasing popularity of a fake nude known as "FINLAYDICK.JPG," this one needed to come back from the archives.
But you're probably wondering, "Isn’t this just a rip off of something someone did with Chuck Norris years ago?" Yes, no, but Chuck Norris facts are a rip off of Vin Diesel facts, which we already ripped off once upon a time with Maven’s Dropkick facts and no one complained (and I would later rip off with OTUNGAFACTS), so I don’t want to hear it, besides, this photo explains it all:
Chuck Norris and Finlay shaking hands. After this photo was taken, Finlay punched Norris in the face, who responded with a roundhouse kick in kind. Both men fell and the result was the Earthquake in San Francisco in 1907. So now onto the rest – the FINLAYFACTS:
1. Dick Cheney recently “accidentally” shot a friend on a hunting accident? The real story, is the friend yelled HELP! FINLAY’S GOT ME, and Cheney shot him because it was the more humane thing to do at that point.
2. Finlay loves to fight so much that when the world is at peace he encourages people to start war; Hitler was not a genius, he just did what Finlay told him to. Finlay has not apologized as of yet to the Jews. One time Kidman asked him to apologize for the Holocaust and he responded by punching him in the dick.
3. Terminator is a true story based on what happened the last time Finlay was told he’s not currently in Belfast.
4. Finlay was once asked by a WWE pencil-pusher if he only trains the Divas so he can grope them and get hard and shit. This pencil pusher is now in an urn above Mr. McMahon’s desk.
5. Finlay has been kept away from Matt Cappotelli, because he claims to know the cure for cancer, which also happens to be beating someone to death. He once killed an small child by curbstomping him, when working for WCW doing a guest appearance who had cancer, and when asked why he said “lad doesn’t have cancer anymore, does he?” Doctors, amazed by this discovery and fearing for their lives immediately gave Finlay the Nobel Prize for Fighting.
6. Edge was inspired to perform sex in the middle of the ring when he walked in on Finlay banging all the divas, including Lita. Finlay stared at Edge and Edge walked away.
7. When ringing up Fit Finlay, he always gets a military, church, senior citizens discount, and always gets exactly $100.00 in change. Always thank Finlay and ask him to return to the store, otherwise, he will beat the living shit out of you.
8. All of Finlay’s ex girlfriends are dead because he always punches them in the back of the neck during break-up sex hard enough to kill them. Dead women press no charges. Murder? The bodies you ask? Finlay eats them.
9. Yoko didn’t break up the Beetles. Finlay did because he threatened to beat the shit out of them if they didn’t split up.
10. On the 8th day, God Rested. On the 9th day Finlay beat him up for being lazy.
11. Finlay is always in Ireland. If you tell him he’s not in Ireland right now, he will KILL you.
12. Finlay told Steve Austin to beat up his wife, and when Finlay tells you to do something, you’d best do it.
13. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris, but Finlay’s dick is bigger than all of them - AND HE LOVES TO FIGHT, TOO.
14. Finlay wears wrestling boots on his knees so that he can beat up the Junior’s division for fun. Even when he doesn’t wear wrestling boots on his knees, he beats them up anyway.
15. Finlay is not actually employed by WWE, but who’s going to tell HIM that?!?
16. If you don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, Finlay will be laying next to you in bed the next morning. This will be the last day of your life.
17. Mortal Kombat is a true story. Finlay actually did kill a four-armed man and an old dude once to save the world, or that’s what he’ll say if you ask him. People who value their lives never question this claim.
18. Tim White is trying to kill himself because he pissed Finlay off, and suicide is a superior option to life, now.
19. Bob Holly worked stiff on Rene Dupree for pissing him off, but that’s nothing compared to Finlay. Finlay straight-up murdered his ass. Don’t believe me? Have you seen Rene Dupree around lately? Didn’t think so.
20. Eddie Guerrero is not Dominic’s father. Finlay is. He demanded to fuck Rey’s wife, and Rey gave in.
21. Finlay shits bars of Irish Spring.
22. You will not find a pot of gold underneath a rainbow, on the contrary, you will find Fit Finlay who will then beat the living shit out of you for being a rainbow-loving faggot.
23. Once Finlay threatened an airplane. The plane changed course and hit the Twin Towers. We know this day as 9/11.
24. Mel Gibson initially wanted to make a very wholesome, easy to understand movie about Christ, but felt it was boring. He consulted Fit Finlay and Finlay’s bloodlust created the bloodbath we know as the Passion of the Christ.
25. Fit Finlay’s career has a higher death toll than Rambo I, II, III, Total Recall, and Robocop combined.
26. Fit Finlay doubts El Dandy. El Dandy to this day is too much of a pussy to do anything about that.
27. Fit Finlay calls Shaft a bad motherfucker and NO ONE ever tells him to shut his mouth, unless they want their own mouth wired shut for the rest of their lives.
28. Ryu of Street Fighter II fame says “you must defeat Sheng Long to have a chance.” Not only did Finlay beat Sheng Long, but he ripped his arms off, beat him to death with them, then drank his blood but only the ribs were broken. He then proceeded to kill anyone even remotely related to Sheng Long. Not even the 2nd cousins survived. He asked Ryu “How’s that lad?” and Ryu responded by committing suicide. This all happened after Street Fighter III... There is no Street Fighter IV because of Finlay.
29. Finlay only beat up the juniors because it’s the closest he could get at that time to child abuse. Finlay hates children, and will attack them without warning or question if brought before him.
30. One time, some dumbfuck fan asked if it’s Finley like WCW used to write it, or Finlay? FINLAY responded by breaking the fan’s nose and writing FINLAY across his chest in nasal blood.
31. If you’re not watching Smackdown and you hear Finlay’s entrance theme, your life may be ending within mere seconds.
32. Vote: Finlay 2008. Unless you want him to break your face. Foreigners can’t run for president? Don’t tell that to Finlay as he’ll accept no excuses.
33. Fit Finlay can perform every move in Mortal Kombat. IN REAL LIFE.
34. Finlay was scheduled to be a member of the X-Men in 1975, but upon realizing the team would be invincible, Marvel Comics opted to replace him with Banshee.
35. Once upon a time, Stevie Richards and Crash Holly were chilling out at home together, when Stevie jokingly told Crash that FINLAY was coming to beat the shit out of him and prove who the greatest hardcore champion alive was. Crash Holly was so afraid that he ended up getting sick, then choking on his own vomit. Michael Lockwood, aka Crash Holly, passed away. Finlay never DID show up. But if he had, Crash would be dead anyway. The moral of this story is never tell anyone Finlay is coming because even if he isn’t fear will claim them.
36. Finlay once held a dinner party and invited a shitload of people, claiming he’d pay. When they arrived there was no dinner, only Finlay with some sort of phallic weapon, which he proceeded to beat all of them into a bloody pulp with. In fact Finlay does this once a month just because he loves to fight so much - The moral of this story is NEVER go to dinner with Finlay. It’s a trap.
37. Finlay and Chuck Norris once had a pissing contest. The end result was a disaster Japan knows as Hiroshima.
38. Every time MySpace has a technical error Finlay kills a child. This is God’s way of population control.
39. Finlay has never had to pay for gasoline for his car; his vehicle runs on the blood of the people he beats the shit out of.
40. Finlay has seen the movie Beaches 50 times. He has beaten up Bette Middler once for every time he’s had to see it.
41. Finlay has 999,999 HP, always immediately kills off one of your party members, and all attacks only do 1 HP damage. You cannot run from a battle with Finlay, and he is immune to all status ailments. Good thing he’s never been in any RPGs, otherwise, you simply would not beat the game.
42. The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris every night. Chuck Norris doesn’t even check his closet. He KNOWS Finlay is in there.
43. The only thing that can stop Death? Finlay. Too bad for those poor bastards that he keeps refusing to be in the Final Destination movies.
44. Finlay held hands with Michael J fox in hands across America, and today Fox has Parkinson’s disease.
45. Finlay plans to have beaten everyone in the world to death by the year 2012. This is the year the world will end.
46. Jim Ross doesn’t have Bell’s Palsy, it’s just that Finlay beat the left side of JR’s face in that way.
47. When Finlay picks up girls, all he does is raise his fist toward them with one hand and point to the backseat of his car with the other. Girls fuck Finlay out of FEAR. Finlay is nature’s most poweful ahprodisiac.
48. Finlay beat Hurricane Helms gimmickless.
49. Ireland had a potato famine once. This is because Finlay ate them all as punishment for someone in his own country calling him a pussy.
50. Finlay once found those kids who don’t let Lucky have any Lucky Charms, and proceeded to beat he shit out of ALL of them. Fit Finlay takes Lucky Charms very seriously.
51. Finlay pisses Guiness. All of Ireland drinks it out of fear of being beaten to death with a shillelagh.
52. Once Finlay had to use the bathroom at a bar. There was no toilet paper. He proceeed to wipe his ass with the face of everyone in the bar as punishment. So if Finlay says he needs to use the bathroom, it’s a good idea to leave the bar immediately.
53. On Groundhog day if Finlay sees his shadow, SOMEONE is going to get their ass kicked every day for the next six weeks.
54. Once Finlay shed a single tear. His tear caused a Tsunami that almost wiped Thailand off the map. Even Finlay’s TEARS love to fight.
55. The lord giveth and the lord taketh. The last time he tried to taketh from Finlay, dinosaurs became extinct.
56. Booker T pays Finlay by allowing him to fuck Sharmell. In both holes.
57. The Day of Lavos from Chrono Trigger is based on a similar incident where Finlay burst out from under the ground and completey destroyed a small country.
58. Bobby Lashley once got drunk and argued with Finlay. Finlay ripped out Lashley’s vocal cords and replaced them with that of a 12 year old girl. Lashley has never backtalked Finlay since.
59. Finlay beats all the Suikoden games with only ONE Star Of Destiny. Himself. The ending is always the same:
FINLAY: TENKAI STAR: Went to the neighboring country and beat the shit out of it, too.
60. The famed Contra code was based off a real event. Finlay was killed 30 times during a war with aliens, but still continued on to kill every last one of them.
61. Eddie Guerrero was told that Finlay was coming back and that he’d be his first opponent. As a result his heart stopped.
62. Many say Finlay just came back. But he never really left. It’s just that the matches have been too brutal to put on TV, recap, or remember in any way. The damage Finlay has done to opponents for the past few years is so bad anyone who had seen a Finlay match’s mind glossed over the painful memories of said match.
63. The popular Hitman videogame series is based on a day in the life of Fit Finlay.
64. In our Home Dimension, Fit Finlay loves to fight and will kick your ass, but in an Alternate Dimension... ... ... ... Fit Finlay STILL loves to fight, and will STILL kick your ass.
65. Only Finlay can prevent forest fires. Too bad he’s usually too busy beating the shit out of people.
66. Contrary to popular belief, Hulk Hogan doesn’t do only 5 moves because of a lack of wrestling talent. He only does 5 moves because that’s all Finlay allows him to use.
67. Once, Finlay was at Best Buy. The clerk offered him 8 free issues of Entertainment Weekly, and Finlay beat the shit out of him. Finlay then came back at that exact time and day once a week for the next seven weeks to beat the shit out of him again.
68. The Holocaust was the result of the Olympic committee’s refusal to make “beating the shit out of children” a medal event when asked by Finlay to do so.
69. Isaku is based off of a similar incident where Finlay locked a bunch of kids in a school, however in Finlay’s version, the teens were not raped but beaten with a Shilleagh.
70. Finlay never exchanges handshakes, just exchanges stiff punches to the face.
71. Finlay is considered by most Japanese to be the Toshin (God of Fight).
72. The scene in Kill Bill Vol. 1 where Uma Thurman squares off against the crazy 88 is actually based upon Finlay’s slaughter of a large group of Japanese patrons when he was told by the bartender he would not serve Finlay any more beer because he felt he “had enough.” Coincidentally the fight between Finlay and all these people was also in black and white as Finlay’s anger has the power to distort light and color.
73. What’s funnier than a dead baby in a garbage can? Finlay beating the shit out of the baby until it dies and putting it IN the garbage can.
74. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Finlay.
75. Any time Chuck Norris and Finlay cross paths the ending result is a natural disaster. All Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Volcanic Eruptions and other acts of “nature” are the result of these two men’s combined destructive powers.
76. One time Finlay was playing Dodgeball. He was struck with the ball and eliminated. He responded by eliminating the entire opposing team from existence by beating them into oblivion.
77. Finlay can make a CAW of himself in Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 look 100% accurate. People who make Finlay CAWs that don’t meet his standards will physically never be able to play the game again.
78. Finlay is actually the leader of the Decepticons in Transformers. He just ALLOWS Megatron to say he is out of pity for the poor bloke.
79. Ever wonder why the youngest daughter in Family Matters just vanished one day? The lost episode of the show clearly shows on of Urkel’s scient projects accidentally summon Finlay, who responded by beating her to death.
80. Finlay ate Mick Foley’s ear after it was accidentally ripped off in that match with Vader.
81. Finlay doesn’t need to use the gun attached to Area 51 arcade machines. He aims with his finger and shit on screen dies.
82. There WAS life on other planets once, but Finlay went over there and beat them all to death. We are now alone in the universe.
83. Finlay’s so tough that he drank Magic Johnson’s blood and STILL didn’t contract AIDS. His immune system beats the crap out of viruses the same way he beats the shit out of actual people.
84. One time, in band camp, Finlay beat the shit out of everyone.
85. Every time Finlay’s MySpace crashes, he goes to California, and beats the living shit out of Tom. This is why Tom sold MySpace for $38 million dollars.
86. Finlay once re-enacted the events of Kindergartern Cop, but instead of caring for the children like Arnold did, he just beat the living fuck out of them. Finlay hasn’t been allowed back to a public school since.
87. Finlay once told Kurt Cobain his music sucked. Cobain responded by blowing his own head off.
88. MS actually isn’t a degenerative disease. Finlay randomly gives it to people after beating the shit out of them.
89. Finlay is unbeatable at Marvel vs. Capcom 2, and if by chance you DO beat him, he will beat your brains in with a shillelagh.
90. Finlay and Bob Holly play Guess Who The Mystery Face game with actual human beings but instead of flipping the pieces down, they knock them the fuck out when eliminated. and you will not live long enough to enjoy your victory.
91. Brian Peppers looks like that because he called Finlay a pussy.
92. Every time the Grim Reaper comes for Ric Flair, Finlay beats him up. The reaper has not come for Ric Flair in a long time because of this.
93. Finlay drives an ice cream truck on weekends just to lure unsuspecting children into beat downs.
94. Finlay is the true villain of the Wizard of Oz. He beat the scarecrow brain-damaged, ripped the Tin Man’s heart out, and the Lion, upon seeing this ran away in fear. Finlay abuses the munchkins all the time as well.
95. To “kill” an immortal you must cut off their head. If you cut Finlay’s head off, he grows another right back... then beats the shit out of you.
96. Finlay was actually responsible behind the freeing of slaves in 1865, claiming that there was no fun in beating up black people because he could just go to a plantation and beat them up - there was no seek, only destroy. With blacks freed he once again regained the thrill of the chase... until Harlem was invented.
97. If you see a picture of Ed McMahon and Dick Clark in your mailbox you might be a millionaire. If you see a picture of Finlay in your mailbox you’d best work on your last will and testament.
98. Finlay beats the shit out of Tekken 2. No, he didn’t beat the game. He just goes to arcades across the country and literally punches, kicks, and suplexes Tekken 2 machines until they break down.
99. Jack Thompson wanted to sue Finlay for being too violent. However, no court would allow it knowing that it would mean a very pissed off about being sued Finlay would have to appear before the court endangering the lives of not only that “stupid fuck” Thompson but of the judge, the court clerk, the baliff, and anyone else in attendance. Instead when this paperwork was filed, the judge demanded Thompson be dis-barred.
100. Why does a man climb a mountain? To get the fuck away from Finlay. Too bad Finlay destroys mountains with his bare hands.
101. Finlay is always ready to fight by being in his tights at all times. He never takes them off, even during the shower or during sexual intercourse. Some people suggest that much like an action figure Finlay’s tights are a part of his body. Scientists have not been able to get close to Finlay to test that this theory is true as trying to remove the tights of Fit Finlay would guarantee swift yet painful death.
102. Finlay made good grades in school not by passing tests, but simply by drawing a photo on the test paper of the last time he beat the shit out of someone. He made all As.
103. Never prank call Fit Finlay as he has the power to travel through phone lines, the mail, and the Internet to beat the shit out of you.
104. One time in school a bully asked Finlay to give him his lunch, which was in a brown bag. Finlay obliged. As the bully walked away and opened the brown bag Finlay popped out and beat the shit out of him. The only logical explanation as to how Finlay was in the bag and holding the bag at the same time is that Finlay’s beatings can travel through both time and space.
105. Wonder why people die so often and so young in 3rd world countries? It’s because instead of sending food, Ireland sends FINLAY.
106. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. The chief export of Fit Finlay is SUFFERING.
107. Also comparing the two, Chuck Norris’ legs are Law and Order. Finlay’s fists are Dharma and Chaos.
108. Finlay got bit by a zombie once. But if you were a virus, would you want to fuck with Finlay? Didn’t think so.
109. Jesus Christ was supposed to return in 2000...he didn’t show up because Finlay stuck a note to his door with a knife that read “You take the spotlight away from Finlay and I will fuck you up”...Jesus hasn’t left his house since.
110. When God said “Let there be light”, Finlay shut it the fuck off. That’s the reason why Earth is only five billion years old. He then permitted time to unfold, and the sun to shine. The surface of the Earth up until this point was barely existent, with the exception of a few small islands, as the rest of the world was motlen lava. When Finlay stepped down, it became cold and created the continents.
What happened to those small islands that existed before then, you may ask? One word: Ireland.
111. Tony Schiavone used to call every Nitro the greatest night in the history of our sport, this was especially true when Finlay was on the program, as he constantly threatened to beat Schiavone’s children to death and fuck his wife if he didn’t announce any night Finlay was on TV as such.
112. Want to wake a coma victim? Whisper in their ear that Finlay will be here in 20 minutes to beat their ass and watch ‘em run.
113. WWE actually had a season between Tough Enough 2 and 3, where Finlay was the trainer. All of the contestants were beaten to death. All footage of this original Tough Enough III has been burned.
114. Have a dispute? Don’t take it to court, just call Finlay, who is much cheaper and more effective than a lawyer. He will simply beat your opposing party to death. Then rather than sue them you can simply claim all their worldly goods. They won’t need them anymore.
115. Finlay could help Save the Whales, but he’d rather fight them. Finlay can breathe underwater for this sole purpose.
116. Finlay was once captured by greedy men wanting to show him off to their fellow man in New York City. No cage can contain Finlay. He eventually escaped, kidnapped a blonde woman and climbed the empire state building where he began fighting military vehicles with his bare hands. This later became the inspiration for the timeless classic King Kong.
117. Vince McMahon actually Killed Stu Hart. He sent him a Get Well Soon card which featured a picture of FINLAY ready to attack inside. Stu died instantly in fear.
118. One time an entire school disrespected Fit Finlay. He got his revenge by disguising himself as not one, but two students and killing them all. This massacre is called by many people “Columbine.”
119. Ever wonder why Fairies don’t exist in the real world? Finlay killed them all - FOR FUN.
120. Finlay once saved a man’s life. How you ask? He stopped hitting him.
We encourage you to submit FINLAYfacts and find out more about them on our forums. Until next time, watch out for Finlay. He loves to fight. He’s gonna fight someone tonight, might be you.