Recap: WWE NXT is Riv (August 28, 2014)

Okay let’s get NXT done with so I can get on with my day and my life. It’s not that I don’t like NXT that I say that – it’s the fact I’ve always got a million things to do and no motivation.  You know what motivates me?  Money and support for my projects so be sure to check out this week’s Asked (the show I talk about everything in news, current events, entertainment & more), and also be sure to check out my live (and recorded) streams of yours truly wasting time on World of Warcraft on hitbox.tv/jasonrivera – but most importantly, help me make money.  Amazon told me I didn’t make enough to get a paycheck (story of my Internet life) so when you buy stuff on Amazon make sure buy it on THIS LINK (that means click here) so I can earn some money back on all the time and effort (and my own money) I put in to keeping all these projects going. Bookmark that so that you’re always helping!  Now that I am done shilling for all my projects (no shill, no support – that’s the advertiser’s motto) it’s time to do this recap.

After the WWE signature and the NXT intro, the bells rings and the Ascension rises.

This means somebody is going to die.  The Ascension aren’t even close to losing those belts until we find out who they are facing in the finals of the NXT Tag Tournament between the Vaudevillains and Sin Cara & Kalisto.  The crowd loves the Ascension for their rapey vibe they give off, not unlike the APA used to do years prior. 

Look at this joke team.  You have one guy who looks like he pissed off his barber in the middle of getting his head shaved and left him the top, and fucking Shirley Temple.  I mean people have criticized my hair before but for crying out loud this is ridiculous.  Who dressed these guys?  Who let them go out in public like this?  Who hired them?  Did Hunter feel sorry for some Worktec retards?  The crowd actually starts a LET’S GO JOBBERS chant and the commentators are quiet.  This really IS a funeral. 

After killing these losers, the Ascension grabs the mic. As its quiet one person yells FIGHT A REAL TEAM and I agree.  Viktor says that in a week’s time they fight the new number one contenders but are they contenders or just more victims? Konnor hits the “total Anhi-YA-lation” catchphrase (they couldn’t do better than that?)  They say they will rise.  I feel like the Ascension is a great team but they could end up like Emma where they are really over in NXT and really NOT in real life… and then end up robbing a Wal-Mart for attention.

Up next William Regal is introduced as our new general manager replacing JBL.  This is a good move as GM Regal on RAW was amazing, therefore being one on NXT could provide a good authority figure although to be fair, NXT didn’t need an authority figure, I am tired of authority figure angles, and this means no more Regal on commentary which is sad as he is excellent on the booth.

Regal brings out Adrian Neville to tell him who will be his opponent at NXT Takeover (which is on 9/11 so I’m disappointed when Regal doesn’t announce the RETURN of MUHAMMAD HASSAN), but instead Tyson Kidd and Tyler Breeze argue who deserves the shot – Breeze says everyone deserves a shot ahead of Kidd including his wife.  Of course this leads to a Triple Threat match between Kidd, Breeze, and Neville at Takeover…. Or does it? 

I like Sami Zayn. I HATE his Mighty Mighty Bosstones knock-off theme.  Hell I hate the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.  Hell, I hate everyone.  I’m Riv. The Fatal Four Way match is on.  Regal also adds that the heels will be facing the faces in a tag team main event tonight, leading Breeze and Kidd (who hate each other) vs. Neville and Zayn.

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THE BOSS Sasha Banks is out here.  New entrance theme, same ridiculous outfit.  She looks like a Meerkat had a freak accident in a bling-bling store and then some mechanics came by and put some ’22s on its corpse.  I feel like the only hold back to Sasha Banks might very well be her entrance gear making her look like a retarded person.  She isn’t terrible in the ring. 

Sasha is in all likelihood about to get her small ass kicked by Bayley since Bayley is headed into a championship match with the Women’s champion Charlotte at Takeover.  If you’re on the road to a championship match usually WWE makes you very predictable:  you’ll either steam-roller everyone in your path or lose almost every match due to the champion’s interference.  Unless Charlotte takes pity on her former BFF Sasha, she’s about to get beaten.    We get A LOT of aggression by Sasha and Bayley.  Bayley-to-Bayley Suplex puts Sasha away.  Told you she’d get mowed down.  After the match Renee Young interviews Bayley about what it would mean to her to become the NXT Women’s Champion.  They’ve managed to make Bayley about 54% less “Retard Eugene Mode.”  Now she’s just someone who’s been fighting the odds her whole life to make it to this moment.

The NXT Women’s Champion, Charlotte, now makes her way to the ring, also with a microphone in hand.  She mocks Bayley for the tears in her eyes and tells the crowd to shut up when she’s talking.  Charlotte has come up on the microphone, she’s starting to live up to that Flair name.  She says that life’s tough and this is a welcome to reality.  Bayley says Charlotte isn’t taking her as a threat.  Charlotte retorts by telling her to stick to hugging people before she gets destroyed.  Bayley says she doesn’t want a hug, and says she just wants to wish Charlotte good luck.  She extends her hand but Charlotte walks away telling Bayley “I warned you” as she takes her leave.  Nice little women’s feud here.  I like it.

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BULL.  I like BULL because he hates Mojo Rawley as much as I do.  Bull Dempsey makes his way to the ring.  Do we have an extra jobber for him to destroy or did the Ascension execute them all?  Tensai/Albert/Jason Albert/A-Train/whatever-you-call-him talks about how when Bull was 8 years old he assaulted Santa Claus for mistaking him for a grown man.  I admit I laughed at that. 

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Angelo Dawkins.  Yep, we DO have another jobber around.  You know you suck when you don’t even get a Titantron.  Most jobbers at least get their name on the Titantron with some flashing text.  I was hoping he got rid of the absolutely retarded entrance (he’s usually already in the ring every time we see him) but this is absurd.  He looks like the kind of guy white cops shoot multiple times and claim was “doing something wrong.” 

WHY DOES HE WEAR A BACKPACK TO THE RING?  Ugh.  I hate this guy.  That makes it even better when Bull annihilates him. 

Dempsey cuts a split screen promo to insult Mojo Rawley and says that Mojo happens to be is HYPE and when he is through with him he won’t need a doctor, he’ll need a priest and the last thing he will hear is the crowd chanting BULL.  This guy is my new favorite person. On the earth.  Oh he destroys Dawkins with the Bull Dozer by the way. 

The bad news is the Legionnaires are here.  The good news is they finally used the Jaws of Life to remove their skin-tight matching white long sleeve “I’m a Faggot” French shirts and put on some different attire.  I don’t think Marcus Louis is even actually French as his accent is the worst I’ve ever heard.  Louis accepts the hair vs. hair match challenge against Enzo Amore on Sylvester LeFort’s behalf.  LeFort is not pleased about this.  Meanwhile back in the ring it’s time for Tyson & Tyler to take on Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville.  This is your typical “baby faces dominate and work well together until a miscommunication” match so the match is great and going well for Neville/Zayn until Sami kicks Neville in the head by accident, allowing the team of Breeze and Kidd (who hate each other) to capitalize. Kidd lets Zayn take out his own partner, then tosses Zayn out like trash and gets the pin fall over Neville.  Zayn hits the running kick after the match to Kidd’s face leaving him as the only man standing.

And huge OLE chants…  Zayn eyes the NXT championship and stares at it for a good long time.  They ruin the serious moment by playing his god-awful entrance music.  Still, this was a pretty solid build-up episode of NXT for Takeover and definitely has a lot of great stuff going on in it, unlike a lot of what happens on the main roster of the WWE.  Probably one of the better NXT episodes in recent times.  Makes me actually look forward to what’s next.

I still hate everyone, though.  Except Bull Dempsey. That guy is cool.