Recap: WWE NXT is Riv (July 30th, 2014)

I guess it’s time to do the NXT thing I do every week.  And sure, NXT is on Thursdays and I’m writing this on Sunday but screw you guys, I’m busy. 

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Things are starting off with Tyler Breeze. Last week Breeze beat down Adrian Neville during his match with Rusev, resulting in it being thrown out.  This is because Breeze has a stake in the NXT championship as the current number 1 contender.  I’ll admit Breeze makes a good heel.  Something about him makes you want to punch him in the face. 

His opponent tonight is NXT Jobber-For-Life Angelo Dawkins.  I miss the previous NXT Jobber-For-Life Danny Burch.  That dude was cool.  I notice ever since Angelo Dawkins got a full entrance and came onto NXT looking like a walking thrift store they have banished him to “already in the ring” status and rightfully so.

Look at this man.  He is so happy to be jobbing to a grown man in fluffy boots.  I can feel his excitement. Dawkins gets a little offense in and does a little gay dance which infuriates Breeze who begins stomping him to the ground. Breeze then tosses Dawkins to the outside and begins bouncing him off the security gate before tossing him back in the ring, wailing on him a few more times and hitting Dawkins with so much Stand Your Ground Beauty Shot that Trayvon Martin’s corpse felt it.

After the match, Breeze tosses Dawkins outside the ring like garbage before calling for a microphone.  Breeze says “well that was annoying” in regards to Dawkins then says he didn’t even plan to have a match; he just wanted the crowd to see his attack on Neville last week during Neville’s match with @PutinN1Fan.  He says that’s not what he wanted to show them either.  He said he’s out here for a big announcement which is that he has submitted his music video for an Oscar nomination in the documentary category so now we’re going to roll his video again.

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Adrian Neville prevents the video from being aired and has something to say.   Neville doesn’t want to watch music videos and he wants to know when Breeze is going to stop delaying the inevitable and challenge Neville for the title so he can get beaten.  Tyler Breeze says hold on he’s getting a call from the director of the Hobbit and that Neville is needed back on set.  Neville hits the “I just got a Snapchat from your Mom” and “you’re not the only member of the Breeze family that likes sending selfies.”  Adrian Neville-Breeze’s Mom MILF porn is inevitable.  Breeze then tries to fight Neville but the NXT champion gets the upper hand and Breeze escapes. 

The commentary team of Renee Young, Tom Phillips, and Byron Saxton are shown.  Phillips takes this time to tell us that his dick is THIS big which is why Young and Saxton look so disgusted with him.   They also tell us a tournament to decide the new number one contenders for the NXT Tag Team Titles will begin next week.  Back at ringside it’s time for the NXT Women’s Champion, Charlotte.  Last week Charlotte successfully defended her title against Summer Rae. 

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Tonight she takes on relative newcomer Becky Lynch (no relation to the TNA Impact abomination that was Claire Lynch). Lynch comes out a little more aggressive with new music which makes me take her more seriously than the weird “I come out and do silly little Irish jigs” thing she started off with.  Renee immediately makes the Lita comparison, which is what I thought as well from her new entrance.  This is a non-title matchup.  After a pretty back and forth even exhibition match, Charlotte takes Lynch out with the “bow to the queen” or-whatever-her-running-snapmare-is-called for the victory.  Still a decent showing for Lynch and a bit of a change-up for her character.

Yawn. Here come the Ascension. They squash jobbers. Next.

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After the match the Ascension decides to actually speak regarding the #1 contender tournament. The winners can expect “total annihilation.”

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A Sarah-McLachlan-shitty-music-style-video-package for CJ Parker lectures us on the fact that mother Earth is under assault by pollution.  It is like the BOLIEVE package but in reverse.  We’re told next week Parker settles things against Xavier Woods once and for all in a feud literally nobody gives a shit about.

Oh no. Not the HYPE man.  I hate Mojo.  I wish that he would get so strung out on HYPE that he knocks up a convenience store, gets arrested, fired, becomes someone’s bitch in prison and is never seen again. 

His partner is the heel Bull Dempsey so I’m not sure why they are tagging but we are told that they are a team for the tag tournament that starts next week.  I predict Bull turning on Mojo.  Bull is a guy who is terminally pissed off.  He’s like ANTI-hype.  That being said I like what he brings to the table and if he slaughters Mojo more power to him. 

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Umm… what?  The Mechanics?  Really?  What is this? WCW Saturday Night in the 1990s?  Scott Dawson is now with Dash Wilder (Garrett Dylan was recently released – AGAIN – so I guess Dash is his replacement in the Dawson/Dylan team NXT tried to push for a while last year).  Although the Mechanics do gel pretty decently as a team they are defeated by Mojo and Bull after Bull cleans house.  Short match, thankfully, since prolonged exposure to Mojo drains people of their happiness, which I believe he absorbs like a vampire and converts into HYPE.

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Rich Brennan interviews Bayley backstage about the recent happenings in the NXT Women’s Division.  She says she’s glad the BFFs broke up because they are mean.  She at least comes off as more assertive less mentally retarded (which has been her gimmick) here and reminds us she has defeated Charlotte in the past which means that she can beat her and possibly become the champion.  Charlotte interrupts backstage to tell Bayley it’s a fluke and she feels sorry for Bayley and does not want to humiliate her so it is in Bayley’s best interest to not utter her name again.  Our main event tonight, which was not advertised at all during the show, is up next.

Adam Rose is here to take on Tyson Kidd. 

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I believe this means Adam Rose wants Natalya to suck his dick.

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I think even Kidd fell asleep during this one which is why he lost with a roll-up.  It was a match that was sort of just there that I didn’t really want to pay much attention to.  The story about being in Natalya’s shadow continues but without it having a definite direction it’s just dragging on.

Maybe they should just make this an angle about erectile dysfunction and call it a day.