Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (August 25, 2014)

I’m not even going to lie. I’m not feeling Monday Night RAW tonight. At all.  But I have a job to do.  For some reason Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and HBK are in the ring doing… something.  Apparently they are going to talk about John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar.  I’m not sure why this is relevant or important.  They should talk about HBKs hunting show, Hogan’s sex tape, and Ric Flair’s 902 ex-wives. 

Cena comes out here after these old men debate his chances.  He looks like Hogan shat him out in the bathroom 3 hours ago.  I really don’t care much what Cena says about Brock Lesnar.  At this point I just want something new.

8 DAYS AGO BROCK LESNAR MADE JOHN CENA SUCK DICK.

Goldust and Stardust get a tag title shot tonight.  Since the Usos have become Tag Cena I hope the Dusts win.  Besides Goldust and Stardust are amusing in their insanity.

Also it looks like Jack Swagger is going to fight Rusev one more time.  Expect Mark Henry, Bo Dallas, and other interference.  I wish they’d just like Swagger be the guy who gets the victory.  I like Swagger as a face and I do not want to see him get jobbed out.  The WWE Network also takes the time to throw a commercial at us to tell us that every WCW Nitro will be on the Network starting next week.  It’s fun to watch JBL continually tell us how much he hates Swagger for losing at Summerslam and how disappointed he is in Jack. 

Swagger loses the match when the referee stops it feeling Swagger is too injured to continue.  I’m tired of these cheap Swagger losses.  Also we’re told RVD will take on Cesaro with the winner to become #1 contender for Sheamus’ US Title.  Nobody cares.  Also Jerry Lawler is going to try to play psychiatrist for Brie and Nikki Bella.  This RAW is off to an awful start.

YES!  It’s time for Jack Swagger… to BOLIEVE!  Back in the ring Cesaro beats RVD while Sheamus does commentary but I cannot find a single fuck to give.

Do you remember when Cesaro was the “next big thing” and Heyman loved him and he left the Real Americans and won that Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal and was on a hot streak?  And now he’s feuding for “the Pointless Belt.”

THE MEAT IS FRESH… AND IT IS ON THE WAY TO THE RING.  Paige finally defeats Natalya who has defeated her multiple matches in a row thanks to AJ.  Spoiled Meat AJ comes out here after the match causing Paige to turn her back on Natalya who way-lays Paige after the match. 

AJ tries to psycho up here and be Paige’s BFF, her little English muffin, all that. 

This weird friendship is going to lead to some totally lesbian fanfics. 

I kind of have an awkward boner even from melted meat AJ.  I leave to go try to find out where this idiot who is supposed to be delivering my pizza is and wondering how the hell anyone works in pizza delivery without a GPS in 2014 when Kane and Rollins have a funeral for Dean Ambrose.

I can’t stop laughing.  Eventually though, after Rollins talks about how he IS the creator AND destroyer of the Shield and that we will never see Dean Ambrose again, Roman Reigns interjects and attacks both Kane and Rollins.  He’s about to hit the spear on Rollins but Kane saves Rollins and they escape.

JBL reminds us “Dean Ambrose is no more.” WELL MAYBE IF ROMAN CARED ABOUT THIS BEFORE DEAN DIED HE’D STILL BE ALIVE.  Superman is a dick. Roman Reigns uses the Superman Punch as a signature move.  Therefore Roman Reigns is a dick and now Ambrose is with Chris Benoit and Eddie.  RIP.

WHY DOES THIS CRACK ME UP SO MUCH?  Everything they say is so ridiculous and over the top.  I feel like I’m taking drugs when I watch a Goldust and Stardust promo.  The match is great but when one of the Usos gets counted out Goldust and Stardust win by countout – they don’t win the titles and snap and beat up the Usos after the match.  Good for them – what a cheap way out by the Usos. 

The suits are coming off of the suitmen so they are not happy.  Kane puts Reigns in a match against himself and Rollins.  Meanwhile Brock Lesnar is cutting pre-recorded promos on Cena… and Dolph Ziggler is the Intercontinental Champion.  I forgot.  He’s also fighting the Miz again so I wonder what I’m doing with my life.

Miz sends a stunt double in Damien Sandow and I admit I laugh. Of course I’m also tired of “moron Sandow.”

Up next we get Bella drama.  I’m going to vomit.  The Bella acting is horrible.  I can’t even begin to recap this. It’s just bad.  After that we get Kane and Rollins vs. Reigns and when Reigns begins to dominate them both, Rollins gets himself intentionally disqualified.  Rollins and Kane toss Reigns around afterward a bit. 

Kane and Rollins try to cinderblock Reigns but he fights out of it because he doesn’t want a eulogy next week.  Reigns grabs one of the cinderblocks and begins to circle Rollins who is terrified of his former tag team partner.  Reigns tosses the block and hits the steel ring post instead of Rollins’ head.  Reigns then hits the Superman Punch on Kane for good measure and takes his leave.

Bray Wyatt who is taking on John Cena tonight basically compares him to an animal being put out of his misery.  That’s how I feel tonight.  This RAW isn’t good or bad, but just there thus far.  Is Under the Dome on yet?  We get a filler Los Matadores vs. Slater & Gator (Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil) match.  Bo Dallas kills Kofi Kingston next, which is very inspirational.  This RAW has a lot of filler. 

After the match, Bo tells Kofi he is not like Jack Swagger.  He only let himself down whereas Jack let down an entire country.  You both need to learn to… BOLIEVE!  This leads Swagger to come out here and chase Bo out. Afterwards our main event of Cena vs. Bray is meant to make it look like Cena is now becoming the monster Brock is as he ravages Bray until Harper and Rowan get involved.  For some reason Big Show and Mark Henry also enter the fray and we get a six man… you know what? I’m out. This day has been rough on me and RAW made it downright rough. I’ve had dumps I enjoyed more.  Hopefully next week feels less like getting an enema filled with Ebola.