From The Archives: The ABC of Sexual Education For Trainables ( in other words Sex Ed For Retarded People)

This week the JasonRivera.com article from the archives is the time I reviewed a 1975 instructional video about how to teach the mentally retarded about sex, sexual intercourse, the human body and reproduction.  There are just some videos that are begging to be made fun of and this was one of them.  I had originally wrote this article in 2005, which was a good year for being a politically incorrect asshole instead of a raging annoying "social justice warrior" like people these days have become. Enjoy it. -R

You know, sometimes people question me as to whether or not I have a soul or a conscience when it comes to certain things. Other times, people send me videos, pictures, and other various crap because “Jason Rivera is the only person who lacks remorse enough to ‘go there.’” Case in point…

So what is a “trainable?”


Yep, that’s right – “trainables” are the mentally retarded. Obviously, if you’ve read my article about “The Gift of Singing Retards" (no longer available) you already know I have no sympathy for them whatsoever, and that my personal take is that if we killed all the retarded people the minute they DURPed their way out of the womb, we’d have more room for the rest of us that know to shit in toilets and not on ourselves.

Unfortunately, it’s not like I’m the only one who thinks that, but others are just too scared to admit it, like Marion over here. Mainly because he thinks this hot chick who has sympathy for DUPLO-loving down’s syndrome kids might not talk to him if he has any part in it.

Marion. You sent me this video. You’ve got blood on your hands now. You might as well have sacrificed Corky from “Life Goes On” to me as an offering in a Satanic Altar somewhere.  On a side-note you know I'm old because I remember Corky from Life Goes On - Life Goes On was a TV drama about a family who had a child with Down Syndrome.  Look it up.  Educate yourselves on the 1990s.

Back to the Trainables… this video opens up with a retarded girl walking on a lovely Autumn day... She is a “Trainable.” Trained to do what, I don’t really fucking know. But I do know that the sound of a whistle accompanies this intro… now usually the whistle is a good thing. When you hear a whistle it Warps you to World 9, where you can go to World 8 and fight Bowser, freeing Princess Toadstool…

Sometimes a whistle means ProtoMan is on the way, to save the day. Fight, MegaMan, for everlasting peace!!!

However in this video, a whistle means a balding man will appear, stroke your hair, and “train” a retard to suck his cock.

Our goony friend with the Jew nose is whisked away in his car, and likely she will never be heard from again… Besides, we have plenty more retards where she came from.

Look at this guy. He’s the epitome of Cool. He’s not just Cool, he oozes COOL. He might very well be “The Coolest Kid In the Room.” He kind of looks like a down-on-his-luck Ron Jeremy so you know that retard is in for the best TardSex of her entire life.  Still I guess even “Cool” guys have dry spells where they can’t get laid by a normal person.  I hope he at least buys her some DUPLO blocks after. Retarded bitches LOVE DUPLO blocks (because they're larger so retarded kids are less likely to swallow them than they are LEGO blocks).

We switch to this guy, the narrator, who is credited as "Richard Dix" (Dick Dixs) or Double Dick, which makes him the One Man Double Penetration Band, and who looks uncannily like my sixth grade elementary school teacher, Mr. Owzer, who poses us the question: “Sex Education for Trainables, is it possible?  Is it necessary?”

Well according to the good people at Gimps Gone Wild (which I did THIS ARTICLE in mockery of) apparently it is. I mean, nothing says class like taking your clothing off while having Cerebral Palsy and Polio at the SAME TIME. If there’s a God, you know he obviously doesn’t like you very much when he can’t decide on one disease to give you, and gives you two forms of retardation at once. You might as well just kill yourself now, if you believe in destiny, because yours is going to suck ass for the next 30 or 40 years…

Mr. Owzer tells us that we need to teach the seriously disabled to live as successfully as possible in normal society… and he claims this includes “fucking.” Not in that exact same term, but that’s the gist of it – yes, “to help retards be normal we have to teach them all about fucking and possibly reproducing.”

Wasn’t that part of the plot of the movie “I Am Sam?”


Double Dix is now completely up in our faces to the point we can see his nose hairs now, tells us that sex education for the mentally handicapped should be as simple as A, B, C. Now THAT is kind of scary. What good could come of teaching retards how to have sex?

I don’t know, but we quickly cut to the Tard-Chamber, a large room filled with retarded people - I believe these days we also call it "Congress." If they start taking their clothing off, I’m so fuckin’ out of this article and leaving it half-completed.  I have no desire to see naked retards.  

A sexual education teacher who is way too ugly to have ever known anything about sex through actual experience, begins to ask the group to say PENIS out loud. You simply have not lived until you’ve heard a room full of retards say the word PENIS, PETER, COCK, ROD and DICK out loud.  

She actually also adds the following words as well: MEAT, DING-DONG, WAND, WEINER, TOOL, and JOINT. Personally I have NEVER heard anyone use the word “joint” to talk about the male reproductive organ. They did forget, JOYSTICK, ONE-EYED MONSTER, WILLY, FUCKSTICK, and JASON RIVERA VERSION 8.0. Oh wait… I’m the only one who calls my cock Jason Rivera Version 8.0… umm… forget I said anything.

We get even closer to the narrator and get a healthy dose of Dixface. I’m a bit scared now… They might start showing his privates or his spread anus to us.  I don't trust these creeps.

Wow… just wow… If I even have to say something about this to you, YOU need the classes as much as the people in the video do…

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Now it’s time for words about BREASTS including TITS. Unfortunately that’s the extent of it, and they fail to bring up the words BOOBS, RACK, MELONS, FUNBAGS, KNOCKERS, etc.  "Are you happy that you have breasts?," asks the teacher with the drawing.  Someone should ask her if she's unhappy that she DOESN'T have breasts.  I wonder how bad that would feel if I were a woman and got out-breasted by a Downie.

We switch to another scene. This guy… is my hero.  He's the dopest retard in this whole instructional video. I’d shake his hand except for the fact that I’m pretty sure that his father is teaching him about semen in this scene.

Behold the drawings you DIDN’T see in Napoleon Dynamite.  Also I kind of feel sorry for this guy because his erection points up at his face instead of straight ahead like a normal guy with a normal cock. 

The old man then tells the retard "you're GOING TO ASK ME how it gets hard."  No, I'm sure he wasn't.  He probably just wanted to play with Army Men or watch old cartoons or something.  If you had never demanded he ask you about dicks I don't think he would have even given a damn.  

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This woman, above, is not retarded, just has a really stupid haircut.It was so stupid I felt it needed pointing out.  Then again I guess it is a distraction from her nose, so:  mission accomplished. She wants to talk to the girls about the parts of the body. She tells us a girl has three holes between the legs. I didn’t really know that, either, and I’m not retarded. I just know where my cock goes and that’s the extent of what I need to know, so if that’s all I need to know, isn’t explaining this wasted on a bunch of drooling shitheads that probably aren’t going to get laid anyway unless dirty horny Uncle Frank gets desperate again?

And here is more proof this video is from 1970. Look at that fuckin’ bush.  That looks like the Living Forest from Mortal Kombat is growing on her snatch.  That looks like if you press START + UP while nailing her Smoke comes out and challenges you to a fight to the death.  That place looks like the perfect place to plant prize-winning tomatoes in the right season.

Master of Dicks comes back to us and tells us how to break to a retard that she is going to have a period, and that part of being a woman involves lots of bleeding, cramps, and a general pissed off feeling that makes guys not want to be around them. Us men refer this to “that part of the month where ALL women are retarded indiscriminately.”  I do, however, agree with this video on the fact that Retarded Women need to know that this is normal and that they are not bleeding to death otherwise they might freak out and start running around breaking shit.

"Hey Frank, how come you haven’t gotten up yet?”

I AM WET AND STICKY!

So what’s the best thing to do when Frank is wet and sticky?  Clean it up, of course.  I wonder if retards actually have sex dreams..  On second thought I don't even want to find out.

Dick Dix Giant Floating Dickhead tells us the most uncomforting part for most people is to talk to the Tards about SEX or SCREWING or… whatever you want to call it. Is it that time, again, Mr. Owzer? Time to bring up the other terms that this video didn’t include?

FUCKING, KNOCKING BOOTS, MAKING LOVE, PLAYING 2 PLAYER GAMES, HANKY-PANKY, GETTING LAID, BAKING THE COOKIES…

And on that note, we’re shown yet another stupid drawing of what appears to be the most boring sex ever shown on paper. Do they not realize these are fuckin’ retards we’re dealing with? You need to show them something that they can relate to just a bit more.

Now McDonalds… that they can relate to. Ronald is just giving Birdie a French Fry!!! DURP!!! They can relate to that. See, who says I’m a bad person? I could TOTALLY teach Special Education and be effective at it.  Actually I am a terrible person.  I just created what is probably the first (and only) photo of McDonaldland Hentai on the entire Internet.

In other news, I’m so glad they taught Baraka how to have sex. LONG LIVE TARKATA!!!  Bitch looks like the retarded offspring of Al Gore and Mileena.  And why is she wearing a shirt that has the same designs as a 67 year old woman's shower curtains?

We escape the Outworld, and come to this scene. You KNEW masturbation was going to be covered, it was only a matter of time.

Ricky is caught by his amazingly creepy-as-all-fuck mother. She begins to CALMY TALK TO HIM ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING, and fuckin’ STANDS THERE WHILE HE DOES IT!!! Does the standard logic of parenting just NOT apply to retards? If my parents saw me jacking off it would make for a very unpleasant situation for all parties concerned. That’s usually the case with everyone on earth… but not with SPECIAL people… Apparently masturbation is A-OK, as long as you have extra chromosomes that make you slobber and slur your speech a lot. He was probably masturbating about the next episode of Blue's Clues anyway.

She also adds that she is “glad he’s doing it in the privacy of his own home” as if to say, “At least you’re not jacking it off in the middle of Wal-Mart like the rest of the retards on the planet. I wish I never would have had you. God damn your father and the Nuclear Power Plant he’s worked at the past twenty years.”

The kid then makes an expression that says "my Mom is really screwed up in the head," but also looks like he is wondering if he could make her help him fap. This is some Norman Bates shit and I am sure this kid is going to go on a killing spree because of that moment his mother tried to speak to him during his masturbation session.

That’s right… Ooglar over here is fingering her pussy in public in the middle of class. I bet she smells like ten years of unwashed vagina, too.  I mean she is REALLY going to town when she's SUPPOSED to be drawing pictures of snow men.  Apparently he wants to be frosted which is the worst thing on earth. 

Eventually Aunt Jemima shows up and makes her some pancakes.  By "makes her some pancakes" I mean "ejects her from class."  The thing I find funny about this is the fact that if they had never explained to her what the pussy is for in the first place she probably wouldn't be compelled to touch herself.

Meanwhile back in Outworld, a Special Education teacher is teaching Mileena and Baraka over here how to date… I already find midget couples who have midget babies disturbing, but… could you imagine Tard Couples?

Here you see that not less than ten seconds later, Durp over here is being introduced to another bitch. That’s right, Sex Education for Trainables leaves no stone unturned, not even the ones about how you should cheat and lie your way into another woman’s pants.

In Durp’s defense, let me once more remind you what the other retard girl looks like.

She’d gnaw your dick off and spit it in the dog bowl faster than you can say “GRIMACE MAKES MY DICK HARD.”

OH SNAP!!! gay retard sex!!! That’s right, I can’t even believe that this video went there as this guy tries to coerce a Tard into doing his bidding.  I mean, even EdWod, my gay horny co-host wouldn't try to compel retards to have sex with him - oh wait, we play WoW with retards all the time.

We’re told that they need to be able to teach retards how to not end up being fucked by guys who look like this:

Then again, the same goes for ANYONE, retarded or not…

Did they really have to bring PRIESTS into this? This guy really has nothing to say of importance, which means he’s doing his job as a man of the cloth quite accurately.

The video ends with a montage of retards. It’s like a tapestry of idiots… and some credits.

By far this is the most disturbing video ever, teaching retards all about sex. Should retards even be having sex? Did anyone think of the consequences of what could happen if two retards hooked up and had a kid?

Apparently not because THIS GUY is walking the earth. I’ve officially declared E-War on Retards. If you were offended by this article, it probably applies to you, so tough shit.  You can send me hatemail though as I enjoy it thoroughly.  Also if you want to experience the ABC of Sexual Education for Trainables personally, the YouTube video is below.

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