Bronies: Nigga, No!!!

“If I ever caught my son Daniel watching the Pony Show, he would not be around ANYMORE.” -- @Krispin_Wah on an episode of Asked back in 2013.

Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony
$3.99
Starring John de Lancie, Tara Strong, Lauren Faust

Let me tell you a little something about being a child of the 1980s:  boys were boys, and girls were girls.  There wasn’t this whole movement we have now of “you can be whatever the hell you want to be.”  Boys played with G.I. Joes and girls played with Barbie dolls and that was just the way things were done.  There’s an old saying and it goes something like this “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  Unfortunately for the planet earth, someone tried to fix it, and as a result they pretty much ruined everything.

I don’t know what kind of douchebags out there who held a grudge into adulthood about not being able to play with the opposite gender’s toys are responsible for it but now, in 2014, girls are way too masculine, and guys are complete and total bitches who pee sitting down – and what’s worse? Being effeminate is becoming socially acceptable due to the fact that any attempt to correct said behavior is seen as “bullying.” 

Nobody said you couldn’t be gay, they just said you could try being manlier.  I’ve said before on my show that many of the homosexual males I know are manlier than a lot of straight men (who frequent tanning beds, watch their weight, and wince when they drink a beer).  But I think the biggest sign that something has gone terribly wrong, the biggest sign that society took a left when it should have taken a right, the biggest sign that there is in fact a disturbance in the force, is the fact that the fandom known as Bronies exists.

I have decided to go inside the world of Bronies by watching and reviewing their documentary, “Bronies, the Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony.”  I will probably regret this as it is 90 minutes long, which is about 89 minutes and 59 seconds more than I would like to endure of this strange and creepy fandom.

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We open up with some kid who can’t afford Clearasil or a visit to Supercuts talking about how a friend of his called him on Skype to ask him if he’s ever seen “this show.”  The friend was a girl who suckered this idiot into watching “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.”  Right here, already this kid has committed a grievous sin against all that is manly.  Real men know that when a chick asks you to watch something they like, automatically it’s probably going to NOT be manly.  The Notebook, Twilight, Magic Mike, 50 Shades of Grey… THESE ARE ALL THINGS WOMEN LIKE, and as a man you should be disgusted by and only indulge them if there is a 100% chance of getting the pussy.

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As soon as I saw this Asian kid pop up the first word in my mind is “Megafaggot.”  Next.

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Is this CJ Parker from the WWE?  Being a Brony is TEN TIMES WORSE than being a Hippie!  This guy talks about how he started marathon watching episodes of the show.  It reminds me of a junkie taking another syringe full of heroin after another after another. 

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This kid has the same stupid haircut as the first guy.  Are we onto ways to immediately detect Bronies?  What we need is an initiative by the government not unlike the one that they used to create the Sentinels in the X-Men comic books. 

Yes, I’m saying we need Sentinels that are deployed to detect and neutralize Bronies before they spread.  They’re worse than Ebola, man.   This guy talks about how the characters would smile and he would smile back at them.  I think this dude wants to have sex with horses and must be stopped.

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I don’t think this guy is allowed within 1000 feet of a playground, and probably for good reason.

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Another Asian kid who has a similar look to the first one.  The MEGAFAGGOT look.  I bet they combine like Transformers to form Optimus Faggot.  He talks about how My Little Pony made him lean forward into his monitor.  You know when I lean forward into my monitor?  When I’m watching really intense nasty pornography that’s making my penis hard.

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Shit.  They converted the Flying Jew! 

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I really… really… Where do I begin? Making fun of his hat, his crooked teeth or the fact he has one of those “can’t grow a full mustache” mustaches?  Seriously, Bronies seem to be a subculture so bad they make the wrestling fan seem like the coolest dudes in the room.  This guy says he questions himself for “getting excited” over My Little Pony.  Yes, he said “getting excited.”  I believe this gentleman needs many years of therapy and several corrective surgeries.

We go back to the first kid who explains that the Bronies are a “huge movement of guys in high school and college that are so into the show.”  So far with these guys I sense the common ground that they are all rather unmanly, wimpy, and effeminate.  There’s a theory I’ve heard that the promotion of effeminate males is a eugenics project determined to control the population.  Unmanly men like these guys won’t stand up for themselves, they probably cry a lot, and also likely pee sitting down.  This is because men like this won’t resist.  You think George Washington would have been a Bronie?  Abe Lincoln, maybe, he was kind of a weirdo, but my point is these men are easy to control.  I mean the first guy admitted he became a Brony because a woman TOLD HIM TO.  For fuck’s sakes, get some self-respect, I’m begging you.

Next, normal people are shown asking what they think of grown men who play with My Little Pony, and a woman immediately calls them pedophiles, and a black man says it is “mind-boggling” to him.  They are called “weird, flamboyant, creeps.”  I don’t think the three suit men above feel being a Brony is “best for business” and frankly neither do I.  More phrases normal people associate with being a Brony include “sexual deviancy,” and twisted. 

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One guy says that being a Brony means we are “toast” and it is “over.”  Yep.  I honestly co-sign with that.  I just feel that guys should be guys and girls should be girls.  The blurring of gender lines kind of screwed a lot up.  It would be like if your male child were obsessed with collecting Barbie dolls.  It’s plain and simple faggottry.  Not in the gay-as-in-homosexual sense, but in the “unmanly” sense.

The screen appears.  I decide to edit it to match a quote AH Walker told WWE Superstar Xavier Woods who was out in the open about being a Brony earlier in this article:

If you don’t feel just a little bit disgusted about the rise of the Brony, you’re already dead inside. 

Here’s the 1980s rendition of My Little Pony.  My sister had a few of them and I never had the compulsion to play with them or to watch the cartoon in my life.  Back then I had Transformers, and my sister likewise never had the compulsion to play with them or watch the cartoon.  Back then if you played with My Little Pony and were a male, your parents would abort you even if you already had been born and if the cops showed up and said “what happened to your son,” and they responded with “I caught him playing My Little Pony,” the police would go “alright, then” and no charges would be pressed.  I missed the 1980s.  Contrary to popular belief this was not about intolerance.  You could be as gay as you wanted despite perceptions otherwise; people didn’t hate you, they just were indifferent and didn’t give a shit.  It was about wanting to raise men to be manly and wanting to raise women to be womanly.  And there was NOTHING wrong with that.

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The documentary then bitches about “My Little Pony: Generation 2” being “too girly.”  Umm… that’s THE FUCKING POINT.  Although to be fair, Hasbro did a Generation 2 to Transformers which also fell on its ass.  I think they even tried rebooting G.I. Joe and that ALSO failed hard.  They also bitch about Generation 3 being “tragic” only so they can rhyme it with the generation the Bronies fap to, “Friendship Is Magic.”

Here we go again. And you know what I’m going to do to this photo.

Now it is corrected.  The scowling face of AH Walker should deter you from EVER even considering Bronism.  That face should haunt your nightmares.  We’re told we’re about to “go meet the Bronies.”  I… I don’t want to.

Our first stop is Andrews, North Carolina, which according to this map is in the mountains, probably away from the civilized human populace.  On the upside this keeps them from infecting others with “The Gay.”  On the downside it means less chance of Ric Flair running one of them over in a fit of road rage. 

This is the first Brony we encounter, Alex Tibcken, who seems to also fly airplanes in his spare time.  That would be the worst, wouldn’t it?  Stuck thousands of feet in the air in a small plane with a Brony.  That’s my definition of Hell.  This guy says they will eat pizza and go to Wal-Mart because there’s nothing else to do around there.  That’s normal.  He says that he has a hook-up at Wal-Mart on My Little Pony merchandise.  That’s NOT normal.

He’s waiting on a text to get this White Celestia action figure.  I could understand this if he was just a collector looking to turn it around and make a buck on EBay.  Having worked in Toys R Us, it was normal to buy any action figure or doll if it had collectible value.  Hell, I purchased multiple Underwearless Stephanie McMahon action figures and gave them away on Asked.  But no.  This guy wants this My Little Pony figure to own and look at and probably jack off to.  It reminds me of this movie I saw once with my parents when I was a kid where John Lithgow played a grown man who was in love with dolls and my mother said “What kind of faggot does that shit?”  Well, Mom, the faggots are taking over.  It’s the fagpocalypse. 

For the record when I say “faggot,” I mean “an unmanly, effeminate male,” I do not mean it in a derogatory way towards homosexuals or the gay community at all – most homosexuals I know aren’t even offended by the word “faggot.”  Hell, most homosexuals I know aren’t NEAR as unmanly as Bronies.  If I had a son, I’d rather him come out as a homosexual than come out as a Brony.  Legit.

By the way that guy said he was “excited for her.”  You know what I’m excited for?  Women with big booties and big breasts.  I collect pictures of hot women’s asses, not action figures of female ponies.  Somewhere in life these guys took a wrong turn.

This is perfectly acceptable for a male to get excited for.

THIS IS NOT.  I mean I used to collect Transformers long after I stopped playing with them for a time.  While I thought the Unicron figure was pretty fucking awesome, I wasn’t going crazy trying to acquire it to the point of bribing Wal-Mart employees to call me over it.  There’s just something wrong with that.  It was more of an “I’m 25, if I get it, cool, if not, I’m 25 and have better shit to do with my life” thing. 

The guy says he watched a compilation of “shows that started in 2010” and from the moment he saw My Little Pony he could not get them out of his head.  If this happened to me I would be concerned. 

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We get a closeup on his Brony posters.  Ugh.  Let me fix this yet again.

I’d like to amend my previous statement about I’d rather my kid be homosexual than a Brony and say “I’d also rather my kid be born with downs syndrome than become a Brony.”

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We see footage from the cartoon – it’s not that there’s anything wrong with the cartoon if you’re a chick.  That’s fine.  But pastels and pinks and bright colors and ponies are all things associated with women and when I was growing up we were supposed to avoid those things like nuclear radiation.  You would not catch me wearing pink, ever.  Hell, I wouldn’t even eat Boo Berry cereal because it was pink.  Now I’m an adult and still the only pink I care about is the inside of a woman’s vagina.  I face-palm at the thought somewhere there is some guy jerking off to this.

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“Starlight Ironhoof” sounds like a horribly homosexual Tauren in World of Warcraft I am supposed to kill.  I might play WoW, by the way, but it’s not like I refer to myself as Kingslayer Arevir the Magnificent in real life.  He tells us that as a grown man, these characters are deep and in-depth and complicated.  Yeah, so are all bitches.  IN THE REAL WORLD.  THAT AREN’T REPRESENTED BY FUCKING HORSES.

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I wonder if the creator of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Lauren Faust ever intended or expected grown-ass men with hairy sweaty ballsacs to develop unhealthy obsessions with this little girl cartoon.  They continue talking to her about the “making of” but haven’t talked to her quite yet about the grown men that are into this shit and I really wish they would.

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We are now going to Bar Harbor, Maine.  Maine seems like a place that would produce weirdoes and creeps.  Am I only 7 minutes into this shit?

Lyle Gilpatrick is a young Brony.  I question where his parents are on this almost immediately.  Again, I feel like the “you can do whatever you want to do” stance society has is bullshit.  This is what happens when you stop allowing parents to beat their children as a form of discipline. 

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Here we see Lyle playing with GUY toys.  Perfectly acceptable.  He says that his parents sold his favorite toys in a garage sale.  The moral of the story is “don’t sell your children’s good shit or they turn into Bronies.”  Lyle’s parents say he is creative and plays “The Minecraft” and “The Halo.”  See?  Acceptable.  Normal.  Lyle explains before he watched My Little Pony he was sad and lonely.  Well then GO MAKE FRIENDS INSTEAD OF WATCHING A GIRL CARTOON!  JESUS! 

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He shows us a Brony shirt.  You know what comes next don’t you?

NIGGA, NO!!!  This kid tries to justify watching My Little Pony by saying that it teaches you “life lessons.”  So does driving drunk, killing somebody, going to jail, and then finding God after you’re done with your time and community service to try to repent for your sins, so what’s your fucking point?  His mom admits that when asked about it she felt like she would be worried about her son if he started liking My Little Pony.

If I had even ASKED “what if I liked My Little Pony,” to my parents, I’d have gotten my ass beat by my parents, my friends, my friends other friends, the entire Bronx, and hell, they’d bring people from the other 4 boroughs in just to beat the shit out of me when they were all done.  Lyle says he was worried his father would think he was gay or a man-child.  Well, he’d be right, then.

Geoffrey Hellstrand? HELLSTRAND?  What is with Bronies having Orc names?  He talks about how the community has become filled with illustrators and animators and musicians.  Yeah, you know who was an artist? Hitler.  Yes, Bronies are worse than Hitler.

Even Israel isn’t safe from this faggotry.  You’d think that in the foreign countries you’d get executed for this shit.  We’re going to Tel Aviv to meet another one.

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The “Living Tombstone?”  Is that because being a grown man who likes My Little Pony makes you “dead inside?”  I wish someone would give this guy a tombstone piledriver on principle.  He says My Little Pony inspired him to make remixed music involving the show – liar.  Let’s be honest, this might be the smartest of the Bronies.  He makes gay music about My Little Pony, sure, but then he probably makes a KILLING on in-video adverts on YouTube by doing it since there’s such a psychotic creepy cult following to this.  Still, profit or not, it’s immoral.  It’s like war profiteering only with more rainbows.

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I’ve never wanted Skype to crash more than right this second.

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That’s probably because there’s a rule like that “a Brony cannot live within 1000 feet of another Brony.”  And the world would be better for that rule.  He says that he is lonely because he’s one of only Israeli Bronies.  I’m pretty sure it’s due to my original theory that it’s punishable by executions in his part of the world.

We then talk to SR Foxley who looks like every “parent’s basement” stereotype ever rolled into one.  He says the show is incredibly well done due to the writing, art and voice-acting. Again, nobody disputes that it’s a great show FOR GIRLS.  For dudes, it just is “the thing that should not be in their line-up.”  I mean I admit I’ve watched some girly shit.  Hell I watch Pretty Little Liars… but I watch it with my hetero “I’d nail all four of the chicks on this show” eyes.

Ten bucks says Hanna (the blonde girl) does anal.  But even at that, I would not go to a Pretty Little Liars convention, wear a PLL t-shirt, or start collecting PLL action figures or memorabilia (unless they make a replica Hanna vagina & ass hole; I haven’t gotten laid in a while so I *MIGHT* buy that).  Anyway back to the documentary (and yes I know I’m creepy as fuck, but at least I’m not Brony Creepy).

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We’re headed to Los Angeles, California. 

OH HELLO PRETTY LADY WITH THE TITS AND THINGS.  HOW ARE YOU? MY NAME IS JASON AND I AM A NICE FELLOW. I LIKE DOGS TOO.  WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE COITUS?

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This is Tara Strong, one of the show’s voice actresses.  See?  Real life person. Not cartoon pony.  Perfectly acceptable for me to wanna smash.  She’s not 10/10 hot but she’s attractive.  She explains she grew up on My Little Pony – THIS IS ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE SHE IS WOMAN.  And it makes sense for her to do voice work for the cartoon.

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Being a Brony is so shameful that here we see Jared from Subway under an assumed name “Jeffrey Wells.”  Now that I know this I can no longer eat Subway.  Thanks for ruining for me, Brony Documentary.  By the way I’m only 13 minutes into a 90 minute documentary right now.  I can honestly say I’d rather be reviewing Joanie “Chyna” Laurer pornographic videos than this documentary.  He tries to say that he thinks we all feel like we are this small thing facing these huge evil forces.  Nope.  Never.  That’s because I have a big dick though.

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We are going to England.  I swear if there is a swerve and AH Walker turns out to be a secret Brony, I’ll end him myself.

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You always know if someone is wearing one of these stupid hats that they cannot be trusted and have some sort of dysfunction.  Meet Daniel Richards.

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Daniel has ACTUAL horses, which means he probably has intercourse with them when the cameras are not rolling.  He says that horses are easier to “understand” and “interact with” than human beings.  Yep, confirmed to be a guy who diddles horses.  I mean don’t get me wrong.  It is okay to love animals, just don’t LOVE animals, if you catch my drift.  His mother says he used to have an obsession with lining things up.  Okay, so he’s got some sort of “condition.”  It’s called “being fucking retarded.”  The mom says he has “Asperger’s.”  See? Told you. Retarded.

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To be fair the whole family looks retarded, though.  The documentary takes this time to remind us that Asperger’s is a disorder characterized by a difficulty with social interaction.  Yeah, so is being a cunt.  He says that Asperger’s is like being not able to understand people on an emotional level.  Yeah, so is being a Vulcan on Star Trek.  He explains how he made his mother watch My Little Pony to explain why he likes it.  He then tries to tell us that he likes Twilight Sparkle because she basically has Asperger’s too. 

Next we are going to Germany.  This is starting to look like a super-gay version of Street Fighter II: The World Warrior.  We’re probably going to find out that Hitler was a Brony way back in the 1940s despite the time paradox. 

Meet Benjamin Meyer, a man whose pubic hair is growing on his face instead of his nutsac.  He said he saw My Little Pony on 4Chan and thought it was kind of cool.  Umm… no.

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We see another chick, Nadine Neumann, who is into My Little Pony.  Again, THIS IS OKAY BECAUSE MY LITTLE PONY IS MARKETED TOWARDS GIRLS AND WOMEN.  Also, she doesn’t look too bad.  Hey, hey… how old are you?  Are you legal?  Apparently Meyer and Neumann met because of My Little Pony and started dating. 

He’s lucky he didn’t leave his number where MY PEOPLE could have gotten it or he would have been a victim of a verbal German Suplex from Krispin Wah.  It saddens me that there is such a thing as a “Brony Couple.”  It means the Bronies are capable of breeding.  She apparently baked and gave him cupcakes.  I wonder if he dresses her like a fucking pony when they have sex. 

I BET SHE CAME YOU NASTY FREAKS!  I suddenly don’t feel so bad because I realize that they’re German and thus they are probably into Scheizer Porn – which is worse since they are Bronies because then it is Scheizer Brony Porn.

See?  Now they just look like psychos.  Look at those eyes.  The brain cells checked out of THAT hotel a LONG time ago.  They start singing along with the show. 

Ugh, we’re going to the Netherlands next.  Go figure the Dutch are into this shit.  I’m surprised the entire Netherlands aren’t one giant Brony community.  The Netherlands are living proof that generations of legalized marijuana can completely backfire. 

This is Pieterjan Ruysch, who is known on the Internet as “laserpon3.”  Just… I have no words for this.  How come every male in the Netherlands looks like they were prematurely born?  Also is there no such thing as shampoo in the Netherlands?  This kid needs to wash his fucking hair instead of watch My Little Pony.  He basically makes animated fan fiction our of laser beams.  I wish aliens would come shoot HIM with a laser beam.  Good lord.  I legitimately take a moment to face-palm at the fact this is a thing.

We go back to the first guy in North Carolina who says that before My Little Pony came into his life, he had nothing to look forward to.  I want to state that when it gets this way in your life for ANY television show, you’re living life wrong.  When you have loved ones, family, friends, and shit that needs to get done, that’s what you live for.  If you say “I have nothing to live for except ______ (fictional character, show, whatever),” you have bigger problems than just My Little Pony, and that’s real talk.

The first kid’s friend Erik is shown.  One thing is apparent:  too much MLP, not enough shampoo.  Erik talks about how the perception is that if you watch MLP you’re probably a homosexual and that’s looked down upon in a redneck society.

Christopher, another friend is shown saying that liking MLP can get you beat up and cursed at and have things thrown at you.  This has legitimately ALWAYS been the case, and while they try to make it sound like it’s a dreadful thing, the bottom line was in the 1980s when I was growing up YOU KNEW THIS and that’s one of many reasons if you had a dick you just DID NOT FUCKING PLAY WITH MY LITTLE PONY. 

The first Brony talks about how he had My Little Pony Decals on his car and a bunch of rednecks came and smashed his shit with tire irons and baseball bats.  This is called “not having common sense.”  This guy lives in a redneck town, and is a grown MALE who likes My Little Pony, and is advertising the fact with decals on his car.  Yeah, bad things are going to happen – again, even if you like stuff that is not inherently male, if you advertise it you deserve the humiliation that comes with it.  I mean I watch Grey’s Anatomy, and that’s considered a chick show.  But there’s a difference between watching Grey’s Anatomy and posting a giant picture of Sandra Oh on the back window of my car.

That would deserve the ultimate ass-kicking.  He then says that the guy who smashed his window came back with a hunting rifle.  That makes me think that Brony Hunting Season would be a pretty cool blood sport to get into.

We go back to California to talk to the creators of the show who still have not answered “what do you think about boys and men getting into this show?” 

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They discuss how they made a villain who was a lot like Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation and actually got John De Lancie, who portrayed Q in Star Trek to do the voice.  I’ll admit that’s kind of cool if only for the Q factor, and not because of anything that has to do with My Little Pony.  De Lancie says he forgot he even did a voice for the show until 4 months later when he had hundreds of e-mails about his voice work.  That’s called the mind glossing over painful memories.  He asked his wife about it and she said “it’s a program for little girls,” and De Lancie responded with “these aren’t little girls that are writing me.”  He talks about how thanks to the Internet Bronies are starting to meet and alludes to “Brony Con.”

Oh no…

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We go back to Lyle the weird fat kid who talks about his scheme to go to BronyCon and how he lied to his parents and explained it was just a comic convention and they got excited to go until they realized it wasn’t a Comic Con at all.  What an asshole Lyle is to his parents.  Lyle’s Mom then told Lyle’s Dad who tries to find a nice way of saying “Lyle’s Dad hates this shit,” so she settles for “conservative.” 

This man has so many tools that I’m surprised he didn’t lock his kid down in the basement and use them as instruments of torture on the boy until he was corrected. Lyle repeats what his mother said, “Conservative,” and says his Dad is quiet about it.  His father is probably wondering why the hell his son doesn’t like normal things like beer, tits, and pussy. We go back to the Israeli guy who makes stupid music who is pumped for BronyCon because he has no friends.

That’s probably a sign that something is wrong with you, buddy.  He does have a sister though and I bet they bang each other because they don’t have friends.  He’s performing live at BronyCon in fact.  The first kid from North Carolina compares BronyCon to a rock concert.  I would compare it more to a One Direction concert but there are only 5 faggots at a One Direction concert as compared to the 4,000 of them at BronyCon.

The founder of BronyCon is named “Purple Tinker.”  I’m not sure if Purple Tinker is a man or a woman or a woman trapped in a man’s body or a man trapped in a woman’s body or a creep who looks for sodomy on Craigslist or what.  I know that “Purple Tinker” sounds like its asshole is black and blue from shoving objects that are far too large inside of it and that this creature probably loves to be gaped.  The British Asperger’s Kid is going to the Brony Convention in the UK and that Bronies make him want to actually be around people. 

I wish the British Brony Con had been a lie and that when you get there there’s nothing but Bad News Barrett and a podium making mean jokes about the Bronies.  I’M AFRAID I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS. We go back to the German Bronie Scheizer couple and the chick says since she can’t find My Little Pony figures she wants she makes them herself.

It would be awesome if Hasbro hit her with a cease and desist over it.  I will give her some credit though – it takes time, patience, and talent to carefully detail, replicate, and put together any types of figures.  She should make Jason Rivera action figures – then again if she ever sees this she’ll probably make Jason Rivera voodoo dolls instead.  Oh well, it wouldn’t be the first time somebody has put a curse on me.

Her stepfather, Michael Scharf is shown.  I bet he knew Hitler IRL.  I bet they chilled together and sipped tea while gassing people.  She translates that he does not like it because this is for little girls and she is a grown woman.  I can’t sign off on that one because as a grown man I still enjoy superhero movies, comic books, video games and the like – so in my opinion there’s nothing wrong with a woman enjoying “girl stuff.”  She’s supposed to do that.

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Her boyfriend wants to make money on the side.  Hasbro is going to sue him for everything he’s got right down to the pubes on his chin and that’s rightfully so.  You can’t just bootleg people’s intellectual property and sell it to make a buck.  There are laws against that.

I wonder why she is so happy that her stepfather thinks her boyfriend is a total ‘mo.  I feel uncomfortable looking at this photo, like something is missing.  I know what it is.

There we go.  You know the stepdad probably hits that when the mom isn’t around.  He just looks like the sort.  We go back to Lyle’s Dad who said that he told his wife “absolutely not.”  Lyle’s Dad wants him to come to BronyCon and meet other Bronies so he can understand his son better.  Lyle says he wants to get his father to watch the show but Lyle’s Dad is not interested.  Lyle’s Dad is dope.  I want to buy him a beer and talk to him about MANLY things like women and sports.

Time to go to Jersey, aka, New York City’s toilet bowl where BronyCon is.  This looks like the worst event in human history.   One guy shows us how his friend Donna did his nails for him.

And that sums up why Brony culture will be frowned upon.  It’s not about homosexuality at all – it’s about the representation of unmanliness in a society that needs manly men to continue carrying on.  We need the positive role models of being proud to be male.  Let girls have their girly things.  We need to stop blurring the line here. 

I’d rather my kid join the KKK than be one of these guys.

Tristan Chow… who probably chows on dicks.  I should mention at this point I still have 53 minutes left in this documentary and want to end my life rather than continue to live in a society where boys and men see this as acceptable behavior.  What ever happened to wanting to look up to ROBOCOP, THE FUTURE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT?

I think the only person who truly benefits from BronyCon is this fat chick who looks like Jigglypuff from Pokemon grew a human head.  She can finally get laid provided she wears a tail on her massive dumpy ass.

Another fat girl in the center.  Fat chicks probably LOVE Bronies because the only other option is black guys in the ghetto.

God that voice actress who does this show has some phenomenal knockers.  I know I already said that but I have to wonder if Q motorboated them.  I REALLY hope Q motorboated them.  I want to motorboat them.  I would attend BronyCon and fight through the waves of fags dressed like horses just to motorboat them.  That would be Level 3 in the “Jason Rivera Videogame” if I had my own video game.  Write that down.

We see this nerd telling us why he brought his sister to BronyCon – why?  Because nobody else in their right mind wanted to go to this? He said his sister would “understand this sort of thing.”  THAT IS BECAUSE, FOR THE 10,000TH TIME, SHE IS A WOMAN AND IT’S OKAY FOR GIRLS TO LIKE THIS SHIT BUT WHEN GUYS DO IT, IT COMES OFF AS KIND OF FUCKED UP, YOU IDIOT.  She adds it’s because he can’t drive.  Well maybe if he’d spend less time obsessing over MLP and more time practicing for his driver’s test he wouldn’t be a fucking invalid.

I don’t know what’s worse: Furries or Bronies.  This guy’s small babydick might as well be on display to the entire world right now.  And he’s got a series of yellow arrows pointing down at it.  I wonder if EdWood, my Asked co-host, and openly gay male would consider dating or sleeping with a Brony or if he ever has.  I may ask him on tomorrow night’s show just to find out his opinion because I think we’ve found something even HE would find to disturbing to get with.

Ugh.  You know what I’m about to do.

This is rough. I have a feeling it smells AWFUL in there.  I remember going to Wrestlecon in New Jersey and it smelled like a combination of musty semen, evaporated deodorant, farts, and failure.  I bet BronyCon smells about like that with more anal blood secretion mixed in.  The founder says that it’s important because most of these people would not socialize with anyone otherwise and need to express their love for the show in a non-judgmental environment. 

But the fact remains that if you’re male and you take a strong interest in predominantly female interests you’re GOING TO BE JUDGED and that’s just a simple fact of life because it’s not considered normal.  And I’m not even saying you’re not allowed to like what you like or that you have to be “normal.”  Everyone is weird and twisted and screwed up in their own ways.  What I’m saying is, you can’t expect us, the non-Brony public to understand and you can’t expect us, the non-Brony public to not make jokes.  It’s how it has been for generations.  It will probably continue to be that way so try not to act like a minority being persecuted for your beliefs.  MLP obsession by grown men just comes off as creepy to everybody else.  That’s just how it is.  The founder, Purple Tinker, then says she/he/it/whatever founded this because MLP deserves to be on the same level as the Anime Cons and the Star Trek Cons.  To be fair, while I like anime and Star Trek, I also do find fanatics of those franchises to also be creepy.  There are Trekkies that take it too far and there are people who get off on watching anime girls get diddled by tentacles.  There are creeps all about. 

Your last name is “Swan,” so at least you have an excuse to never be manly in your lives.  The kid says he’s glad his father is okay with him being a Brony because there is nothing bad or violent about it.  True, but there also isn’t anything bad with liking a Transformers or a G.I. Joe or a Thundercats, or a He-Man, or various other stuff that is marketed towards men. 

Lyle’s Dad is NOT amused.  This guy is so cool.  I feel like I want to do manly things like go to the ball game or go fishing with this guy, or chop down trees.  He understands where I’m coming from.  Lyle’s Dad basically got guilt tripped by his wife and son. 

Lyle’s Dad’s homicidal levels increase when he sees his son put on pony ears.  I just want to buy him a bottle of jack and talk about the good ol’ days of Clint Eastwood.  Clint Eastwood was a true role model.  Why the hell isn’t there a ClintCon?  Apparently Lyle enlists Q to help him with his Dad because Q has the powers of mind control and shit.  Q gets Lyle’s Dad to talk to other dads about “coping with his son being a Brony.”  They should form a support group.

Finally the creators talk about grown men watching the show and question why non-Bronies would find it strange.  I think I’ve explained that it’s because of the fact that gender roles have been diminished but to a degree that’s a little bit extreme.  When you see guys going out of their way to act and be effeminate in tandem with being a Brony it begs the question as to whether or not the guys will gateway themselves into continuing more effeminate interests in a world where we don’t have enough masculine encouragement or role models.  I think personally that you have to teach guys it is okay to be guys and this is sadly a world that seems to really discourage being alpha, or being manly, or taking pride in being a man among men.  This society is focused less on being the bread winner, the competitor (every child gets a prize), the protector, and I feel like a lot of what was marketed towards males was done so to have strong male role models.  And while MLP may focus on themes like unity and friendship, the bottom line is you seldom ever see a Brony stand up for themselves like a man; most of the time they’re whining and complaining about “bullying” instead of asserting themselves and going “yeah, I watch this shit, so what?” and manning up.  We live in a world where “man up” is considered such a vile, vulgar, offensive thing.  So I answer this question with a question of my own:  “What is so bad about being manly?”

The creator of the show says that men need to be gentle and sensitive and care about one another.  I say that this would be okay if there wasn’t an OVERDOSE of it.  The right way is balance, and I don’t see that with the Brony culture at all.  At the end of the day guys need to be GUYS.  Guys don’t need to be… super-sensitive or dramatically unmanly or gentle to the point of complete pacification.

What… the hell?  See what happens when you get rid of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?”  Now we have Military Bronies.  One of the soldiers who also happens to be a Brony counters with “do you think you’re going to catch ‘The Gay’ from watching MLP?”  Again, missing the point that there’s a bit much on the end of pacifying the natural aggressive tendencies of males.

Jesus Christ, DEM TITTIES.  Tara Strong’s titty game is strong.  I like her.  Not enough to watch My Little Pony for her, but enough to say I’d eat her ass with a spoon and a little bib on.  She thanks the military members of BronyCon and they sing to her.  I’d sing her a song while I nailed her but it would not be a My Little Pony song. 

Let me handle this one doc:  “You’re all faggots.”  The end.

In all seriousness let’s see what Patrick Edwards, psychologist and researcher has to say about the Bronies.  Then again since this documentary paints them in a positive light I’m not sure we won’t get a completely slanted-in-their-favor diagnosis here. Edwards says that Bronies are a highly educated group of heterosexual males.  My own research conducted proves that Edwards might be slanted anyway because his own son is a Brony so I wonder what an unbiased researcher would have to say.  I actually found a very interesting article that sums up Bronism on a psychological standpoint here.  So in other words this documentary brought in a doctor to say “WE ARE NOT GAY.”  I already handled that earlier when I said “gay” and “fag” are totally different.  We get introduced to a Brony Biologist in a Brony Thundercats t-shirt. …is nothing sacred anymore?

Oh boy, Marsha H. Redden.  You can tell by her Jimmy Carter haircut that she’s a feminist so her whole agenda is emasculating men.

Yeah.  No. 

…and this fool (Peter New) looks like one of the cannibals from The Hills Have Eyes and shit.

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Lee Tockar voices “snips.”  Snips is the sound the scissors make when your penis is cut off.  The doctors say that being a Brony is a retreat from the darkness and terrorism of the world.  An escape from the world.  Isn’t that an escape from reality that could prove to be troublesome in some cases?  You can’t actually escape reality.  It is always still there.  You can have interests, but don’t have obsessions; that is my belief anyway.

I also believe that Laura Slik and David Slik look like incest.  The reason they are Bronies is probably because their child is going to come out of the vagina with hooves and a tail ANYWAY.  Good lord…  Everyone talks about how BronyCon shows these people they are NOT alone.  Hey, here’s an idea.  I’m a huge, blunt, opinionated asshole who people persecute because I insult all the things that society tells me “I’m not allowed to insult” anymore.  Where’s *MY* convention for like-minded people?  One of the psychologists legitimately says “WWPD” (What Would a Pony Do?).  Seriously, when you start treating being a Brony like being a religion by essentially comparing My Little Pony to Jesus you might be going way too far and I can’t believe someone with a license to treat mental illness doesn’t see the problem here.

Okay I would not fuck Cathy Weseluck.  On that note, I have to say… if Tara Strong decided to do porno how many Bronies would actually watch it?  I’m banking that none of them would know what to do with that woman if they had a chance to bang her out.  Can we look at her titties and ass again, please?

The documentary then shows us with their stupid mini cartoons that we are about to talk about “Female Bronies.”  Female Bronies technically should not exist as I have stated about 7000 times that “it is okay for women to like MLP as it is marketed and geared towards females to begin with.”  In other words “female Brony” is a contradiction.  They tell us that females are called “Pegusisters.”  Fucking really?  WHEN THE HELL IS THIS STUPID DOCUMENTARY GOING TO END?

We get told about Equestria Daily which is some kind of Brony website that gets fanfics, art, and music.  I want to point out every time they say “fanfic” that you know in your mind that 50% of those fanfics are likely some sort of erotica and if “erotic stories about ponies” isn’t dysfunctional to you, I don’t know what is.  John Joseco – talented artist who says he used to do military vehicles until his father passed away, then he ended up drawing ponies.  Should be doing comic books.  Has talent but instead of drawing something cool he he draws ponies on DeviantArt. NIGGA, NO!!!!

Okay, I don’t know who this chick is that they are taking to but her face isn’t bad and she has a decent set of tits so I probably would as long as she doesn’t talk to me about My Little Pony.  And if she did I would have to bang her with some Beats by Dre (or Beats by Debra if you know what I mean) on. She talks about Bronies making their own content.  I’m relatively sure that Hasbro has sent a lot of letters demanding some of these people stop which is their right if people are profiting off something that is trademarked and copyrighted. 

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OH GOD NO. There’s going to be an entire part of this documentary on cosplay.  It’s Tuesday night, and I’m watching this when all I want to do is turn this crap off and watch Tyrant on FX.  This is the sacrifice I make to review crap that nobody else wants to endure for you people out there. 

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They should have let Mike Brown in Ferguson live and shot THIS GUY six times instead.

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That’s better.

That’s the definition of “Chicken Legs” right there.  Apparently this is a black couple that have decided to dress as “Mr. and Mrs. Cake” from the show.  How ironic a black girl is named Mrs. Cake and ain’t got any cake.  Bitch has NO ASS.  That’s just horrible.  No wonder why her boyfriend looks so unhappy.

I bet he’s only here so he can find a white girl that’s got booty to leave this convention with and I don’t blame him.   The show then makes us have to listen to “The Living Tombstone’s” musical performances.  Why does this happen to me?  We go back to Germany where the girl is selling her bootleg My Little Pony figures.

Hey, she’s got some ass on her.  I’d smash.  She needs to know what a real man feels like.  I’d help her. 

You just KNOW this guy strokes his member to the Pony Show.  Look at him.  That dude is mad Scheizer porn.  He looks like he’s about to try to stick his dick in one of the pony action figures the chick made.  This fool looks like he’s gonna run to the bathroom because he can’t wait to go home and diddle it. 

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Apparently it is also hard to find hair brushes or razor blades too.  Apparently Bronies from all over the place came and waited in line to buy merchandise because it’s hard to get in Europe.  We’re about to go back to Asstardburger Brony in England.  I hope he runs into AH Walker. 

We get to watch him get lost and not ask for directions which might be the manliest thing he has ever done seeing as men are generally way too stubborn to stop and ask.  There are still 25 minutes left in this god-awful look into the creepiest fandom ever.  The laser show guy is hyped for the fact 500 people are going to watch his pony laser show. 

Oh my God, the manliest Brony “Dusty” Rhoades.  I want to see the actual Dusty Rhodes beat the shit out of this guy on principle. He basically says he did a Dos Equis My Little Pony commercial on YouTube and they went viral and now he is internet famous and gives advice to Bronies who want to go on dates or have a normal life.  I’ll give that this guy gives them good advice, but it still doesn’t excuse him from being a Brony.  But at least he’s trying to retain a level of manliness while doing it which says “if you’re going to obsess over My Little Pony, at least don’t be a little bitch.”  The creator of My Little Pony says that they donate and raise a lot of money for charity and that a Brony who was dying of a brain tumor was donated money and help for a dying kid.  I’ve dissed a lot of things but I can’t/won’t diss that.  Raising money for a dying kid is pretty noble – on the same token I think that any fandom/community that has someone in the same boat would do the same for their own so it’s not something that I feel is exclusive to the Bronies.  The one thing that is, is Tara Strong, who is visiting Grayson, the child who had the tumor.

Now he might be the luckiest kid on earth.  He’s too young to appreciate the Tittyness here.  If I were dying my dying wish would be to tittyfuck her. The whole thing becomes a big talk about how “Bronies aren’t bad, they donate to charity.”  You know what… if I give $1 to a homeless guy for food on the street, at the end of the day people still call me an asshole, so DEAL WITH IT.  Next they talk to Lauren Faust, who created Friendship Is Magic and her hesitation if she should appear at BronyCon since she left.  The fact she left should speak volumes for what this has become:  “dudes who like girl shit.”  Even if they don’t admit it in this documentary, you only leave something successful if it starts going against your vision.

We get the German couple again talking about how great it is to have a partner that does not judge your hobbies.  To be honest and having lived life and been in relationships and dated a variety of people I’m going to tell you right now in all truth that having someone who has the same hobbies as you is not always a great thing because you’ll find that in many times your hobbies which were once distractions from everyone else are now filled up with another person.  Sometimes that is a pain in the ass.  And you need a little difference and diversity in the relationship and individual hobbies to indulge in from time to time.  The worst thing you can do with a partner is “do everything together” because you WILL get sick of each other and when you do it will be explosive.

We now get to watch the stupid Dutch kid’s stupid Pony Laser Show.  I prefer the laser show the Russians did for Obama’s birthday instead:

There are still 15 minutes left in this documentary.  I have never wanted something to be over so bad in all my life.  This is probably what forced sodomy feels like.  We go from the laser show to the Brony songs at BronyCon.  I wish I had the skip button from Pandora.  I could fast forward but that would be cheating you all out of a full article and I would feel wrong.  The only thing I learn is that fist-bumping each other when you’re a Brony is called “bro hoof”ing.

Lyle’s father says he may actually watch My Little Pony when he gets home.  Suddenly I don’t want to drink a beer and talk about women and sports with the man anymore. 

There are too many faggots named “Jason.”  This is why I usually go by “Riv” instead.  All the people in the documentary begin giving their closing arguments.  Once again they are talking about how being a Brony encourages “sensitivity” and “kindness” in men.  Nobody is saying sensitivity and kindness in men is bad; I’m saying unmanliness is bad.  There’s a huge difference.  The documentary ends with a bunch of Bronies singing and slides telling us what happened to the Bronies.  I have decided to add my own extras to each of them.

I’m so glad this is over.  I’m getting too old for this crap and should really re-evaluate wasting hours of my life enduring watching garbage to entertain the masses.  I really could have lived my life happier knowing less about Bronies.  The only good thing to come out of this review was Tara Strong's amazing knockers. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to watch some porn to get my testosterone flowing again.

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