I make that face when I cum.
Last night at Summerslam Brock Lesnar suplexed John Cena’s career into painful death to become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. I have to say Summerslam was more interesting than it had been in years, so now we get to find out what that means for the weekly wrestling we endure between Pay-Per-Views, RAW. Frankly, I want to work on my other articles and projects but I can’t do everything at once - by the way check out http://hitbox.tv/jasonrivera for my World of Warcraft adventures, http://listentothisshow.com/listen at 10 PM Wednesday nights for the Asked Podcast, and feel free to donate me a few bucks to keep all of this going via PayPal at email@example.com – now that all that’s over with, onto RAW!
As we get recaps of the results of Summerslam, I almost fall asleep.
Stephanie McMahon makes her way to the ring to Daniel Bryan’s entrance theme with a “STEPH! STEPH! STEPH!” shirt. This is to rub it in that he’s at home injured and his wife just got humiliated and defeated last night at Summerslam by the Billion Dollar Princess. Brie Bella was defeated by Stephanie McMahon who was assisted by Brie’s own twin sister Nikki who turned on her.
Stephanie explains that later tonight the Authority will present Brock Lesnar with the new WWE World Heavyweight Title (since they changed officially changed their logo to the one they use for the WWE Network). Stephanie then reads us all the Summerslam results. Didn’t the recap video at the beginning of the show do this? Of course she finishes this with a “$9.99.” Every time someone says “9.99” I come one step closer to cancelling the Network just because it is annoying to me. Stephanie continues to talk about trash about Brie Bella and brings out Nikki Bella to tell us what type of person is.
In typical “Bella Botch” fashion, Nikki almost botches walking to the ring. She is now decked out in a nice black dress to match Suit Rollins, Suit HHH, Suit Kane, and various other corporate stooges. Nikki explains that it was supposed to be the Bella Twins against the world but it hasn’t been the way. Nikki says Brie is selfish and manipulative and it’s “always been about me.” Nikki is upset Brie rubs her marriage in the face of her sister. Nikki claims to be heartbroken over Brie’s mistreatment.
Brie comes down here infuriated. I would have bought Nikki’s heel turn if it had been about the fact Brie didn’t get breast implants too so they’re not twins anymore. Instead it’s about “she blamed everything on me when we were kids.” Brie says she doesn’t understand why Nikki did this, and Nikki responds by slapping the shit out of Brie, and saying IIIII WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!! So our pay-off in this is a lot more bad Bella acting.
I made the same face having to watch these two act.
We’re told Big Show and Mark Henry will take on the Wyatts. I don’t care. The Big Show and Mark Henry team is proof that CRAP comes in both black AND white. It’s racial equality. I’m going to go get something to drink downstairs. Hopefully something with alcohol. I think it’s going to be a long night. I want to point out I don’t dislike the Wyatts as Luke Harper is excellent and Erick Rowan is… creepy and ginger. But Mark Henry and Big Show have nothing left to offer viewers in the twilight of their careers. The best thing about Big Show is my Big Show Ultra Rare WWE Supercard in the WWE Supercard game because I don’t actually have to watch it wrestle.
The match ends with a Big Show/Mark Henry victory which makes me glad I decided to do other things with that block of time.
We’re told Dolph Ziggler, the new Intercontinental Champion will defend as the Miz invokes his rematch clause tonight. I’m not going to lie, everyone has such a boner for Dolph Ziggler that it would make me laugh a lot if Ziggler dropped the belt back to the Miz tonight.
Miz talks trash to Ziggler backstage while looking like he should be chanting “KIFFLOM” and telling us about Lord Xenu. He legitimately looks like an Epsilon Program cultist in that getup. Since Hollywood A-List celebrities all believe in stupid shit I really hope they give Miz a “scientology” gimmick to add to being an A-Lister. Ric Flair inserts himself into this segment for no reason. He's basically haunting the locker room like some kind of poltergeist.
Seth Rollins cuts a promo about overcoming Ambrose only to be FORCED into the Ice Bucket Challenge by Ambrose and immediately attacked right after.
Backstage, Seth Rollins argues with the Men’s Wearhouse and says that he needs to take Dean Ambrose out once and for all otherwise he will not be able to cash in his briefcase, ever. HHH says that tonight Seth Rollins will face Ambrose in a rematch tonight but he’s going to let the WWE Universe decide what the stipulation is because this way Ambrose won’t be a martyr and the blood will be on the hands of the audience.
Natalya is higher up the card than her husband. She is taking on the new Divas champion Paige.
Good God, the MEAT IS SO FRESH. I would hit that so hard I’d disintegrate when I came. Paige says that she still respects and loves AJ, and that she dedicates this match to AJ Lee.
The meat is rotted. So rotted. CM Punk wears women out too much. She’s just not as hot as she used to be. AJ skips around the ring and Natalya wins the match, much like for the past several weeks distractions by Paige have cost AJ matches against Eva Marie.
AJ then cuts a “respect” and “love” insincere promo of her own. AJ says she dedicates her LIFE to Paige. AJ chases Paige away and Paige is frightened by AJ going into psycho mode.
AJ’s psycho mode used to be hot. The CM Punk chants of the audience just reminds me he spoiled the meat and confiscated the ass, though.
The stipulations are pretty much all the same fucking thing. Someone explain to me the difference between NO DQ and No Holds Barred. Falls Count Anywhere is at least slightly different because the pinfall can take place outside the ring but generally none of these matches have rules.
The Authority is coming to give Brock Lesnar a new title. They take some photos together and Heyman grabs the microphone meaning it’s time for the “I told you so” promo of the night. The crowd loves the gloating and loves the fact Heyman tells us John Cena isn’t here this evening. Heyman gives us a sermon, but an epic sermon about Brock Lesnar able to destroy anyone and everyone on the roster. He says every title defense by Brock Lesnar is not just must see but CAN’T MISS. He says a bunch of other shit too but in all honesty I can't recap a Paul Heyman promo; it doesn't do the man's promo ability justice. You could read a transcript of the things Paul Heyman says and it will never even come close to conveying the accuracy of what Paul Heyman ACTUALLY is saying in his promos. His voice, his tone, his emphasis - that can't be replicated reading a recap.
Here is a photo of Dolph Ziggler with the Intercontinental title because if he loses it at least you can live in this moment for the rest of Ziggler’s career. I decide to go let my dog shit because I hate watching rematches. Rematch clauses mean we get to watch the same two guys wrestle again, and sometimes that sucks if the feud itself doesn’t have steam. Rollins/Ambrose has steam. Ziggler has to rely on Twitter to push a feud with the Miz. The Miz wins by countout meaning we get to have this match AGAIN at a later date. Miz attacks Ziggler after the match but Ziggler counters into a Zig Zag to drop him. I wish Barrett were back so he could bullhammer them both.
The best part of this is Miz makes a face afterwards like Maryse wants the dick in the ass and he can't get it up.
Renee Young interviews Jack Swagger about Rusev’s attack on Zeb Colter after Rusev defeated Swagger last night. Swagger cuts his first promo as a face (he hasn’t been the one cutting promos because it’s usually Zeb talking for him). He’s a convincing babyface on his own merits. I like Swagger. The guy is solid, always has been. Swagger is up next in the ring. Not exactly sure why he’s fighting Cesaro for like the third time in two weeks. JBL takes this moment to take a verbal dump on Swagger calling him a failure and a letdown. Cesaro defeats the not-100%-Swagger and even mocks him with a WE THE PEOPLE of his own after the match.
Swagger and his wounded pride are confronted post match by BO DALLAS. 318 million Americans were let down at Summerslam when Swagger lost to Rusev. Bo says that now Swagger is losing again. He’s lost his manager. He’s lost all self-respect. He’s lost his dignity. BUT… he can get it all back – he can get it ALL BACK if he just BO-LIEVES!!!
Chris Jericho is now interviewed by Renee Young and says that even though he lost to Bray Wyatt he’s not dead inside and has 3 things that Bray never will have, a fire, a fighting spirit, and the best fans in the WWE. Jericho forgot to mention unlike Bray he can see his feet when he looks down.
AGAIN? This is why I never watch Main Event. Because it’s more and more reruns. Up next we get Randy Orton and Rybaxel vs. Roman Reigns, RVD, and Sheamus. I’m not thrilled. Sheamus is AIDS and a waste of a title they don’t know what to do with, RVD is just floating around, and Reigns is the future but only because they told us so as his feud with Orton is sort of just dull. The most interesting thing about this entire match is that since RAW is in Las Vegas this crowd has a raging hard on for Ryback and chants for him almost the entire length of the match. Match ends with RVD getting a victory with the five star frog splash. I’m struggling to stay awake because I am sleep deprived.
After the match Orton walks around miserable. Flair offers Orton some advice but Orton tells Flair to get lost unless he wants his legend killed. Hopefully this leads to Ric Flair summoning Drax the Destroyer back to Earth to fight Orton. I would pop for Batista wrestling again in full on Drax gear. We go forward to Bray Wyatt.
Bray is telling us that he told Chris Jericho this would happen since Bray Wyatt is a man of his word. He responds to Jericho claiming he saw nothing inside the eyes of Bray Wyatt and Bray says maybe Jericho is right – Bray does not have a soul and his only purpose on this earth is to collect them and Jericho will never comprehend what he is – the new face of salvation.
The Usos are taking on Goldust & Stardust.
I love these maniacs. Goldust and Stardust are so absurd that I can’t help but enjoy them for being maniacs. Solid match ensues which sees Goldust & Stardust get a victory over the Usos which means they must be in contention for the tag titles now. I’m for it. I want to see a Goldust/Stardust title reign.
PUTIN.JPG is imminent. Lana and Rusev talk about their victory last night and of course… BLADDY MEER POOTEEN. She now claims Russian supremacy but is interrupted by Mark Henry. Didn’t we just see his fat ass in a tag match earlier? Doesn’t he have another tag match tomorrow? FUCK OFF MARK HENRY. This leads to a confrontation, a mini argument, Rusev trying to kick Mark Henry with the foot he injured in his match with Swagger, and getting hit with the World’s Strongest Slam and a splash to boot.
Falls Count Anywhere wins the vote from the audience for Ambrose vs. Rollins which is our main event, I believe. And I am fine with that as these two probably have the best feud going in the WWE right now. Aside from being the most interesting and entertaining match that keeps me interested even while half asleep you have things like…
Dean Ambrose making rape faces.
…and Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose trying to launch each other into a giant pile of stacked steel chairs. Rollins powerbombs Ambrose through that pile by the way. These guys have a vibe I haven’t felt from WWE matches in a long time and I like what they do. Kendo sticks, and now even a table show up.
Kane shows up making stupid faces which means this match will inevitably be ruined. Ambrose dives onto both men once Kane gets involves and fires up like a madman hitting a vicious clothesline followed by Dirty Deeds but Kane drags Ambrose out of the ring and begins clobbering him. Ambrose manages to drop-toehold Kane into the steel steps and toss Rollins over the security wall while he turns his attention to tossing Kane over the announce table then running across both announce tables and diving onto Rollins. Unfortunately this turns into a glorified 2 on 1 and Kane chokeslams Ambrose on the announcer’s table. Ambrose then gets the curbstomp on a table. Kane pulls out a stack of cinder blocks for Rollins to do it yet again and Ambrose gets dropped through a stack of blocks. The match is stopped and Rollins is declared the winner.
The good news for Seth Rollins is that this means he can cash in without Ambrose interfering. The bad news is BROCK LESNAR is the WWE Champion so the joke’s on him. I think the worst thing about this entire thing is it means when Ambrose gets back from filming his movie it means he gets to feud with The Miz… about movies.
Kill me now. On that note and now that I’ve depressed myself with the thought of Ambrose being bumped down to feud with The AIDS... err... the Miz (same thing), I’m outta here. Catch you next week.