Recap: WWE NXT is Riv (August 14, 2014)

Ugh, time for an NXT recap. Why do I do this again? Recapping RAW and NXT is a totally thankless job, as are most jobs in my life.  Writing, podcasting with the Asked show on listentothisshow.com, and even now streaming my weird random things that I do in World of Warcraft on hitbox.tv/jasonrivera – I spin too many Internet project plates.  I’m good at all and great at none.  Oh, well.  Support my projects if you’re into that sort of thing (by support I mean drop me a few bucks via PayPal so I break even since I pay out of pocket for all of them), and now let me get my NXT recap going before Summerslam starts. 

The worst part of this is it means I have to put the WWE Supercard game on Android/iPhone down for a few minutes.  If you haven’t downloaded it yet, DON’T – because it’s like crack-cocaine in digital form.  You’ll end up addicted and strung out on Rusev cards.

WWE Signature, followed by the NXT intro. 

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Someone in the crowd is a Birthday Girl.  Congratulations, you’re at NXT.  It would be like someone getting you tickets to WCW Saturday Night.  I don’t think they care about you all that much, lady.  I feel like if I were to make a sign going to any WWE event a sign proudly proclaiming my birthday would be the last thing I’d waste time doing.  That’s more time you can spend watching pornography and masturbating so in my opinion this woman failed hard.

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Bull Dempsey is out here to compete in the NXT tag tournament.  His entrance theme is the chanting of “BULL” over and over again.  Considering that it can easily be mistaken for “bull” being short for “bullshit,” I feel like the theme is calling him a liar.  Maybe that’s Bull Dempsey’s true gimmick?  Maybe he’s a professional liar and bullshitter when he’s not cracking people’s skulls in the ring.

Unfortunately this is the tag team tournament it means his partner is the dreaded Hype Man Mojo Rawley, the bane of my NXT recapping.  Between his loud music that I can only describe as “bad noise,” the fact he doesn’t sit still long enough for me to take a good screencap to show you how ugly he is, and the fact that his gimmick is that of someone who has snorted enough cocaine to kill a large horse, I just do not like this man.  Oh, and he uses Doink’s old “Whoopie Cushion” finisher.  Why the hell would you use that in 2014?

HYPE is a four letter word. So is AIDS.

Oh lord, it’s the Vaudevillains.  Everyone loves these guys.  I might love them if I didn’t find their look inherently creepy.  They look like two guys that walked out of a snuff film from 1929.  They look like they have butt sex to Charlie Chaplin films.  But unlike Bull and AIDS Rawley they’ve actually been a team for a while and they do gel well together.  I think it’s obvious this team is going to advance in this #1 contender tournament. Renee Young, Tom Phillips, and Byron Saxton keep putting over Bull Dempsey and how tough and rough and how much he loves to fight – listen, buddy, you’re not anybody in this business until you have a Mach’s Fakes on the level of FINLAYDICK.

Now that I said that, BULLDICK.JPG is probably inevitable. 

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Gotch hits a rolling senton on Mojo which is followed by a Swanton by Aiden English.  The combo is so beautiful that if William Regal were here right now he’d have jizzed his pants (he has a borderline sexual fascination with the Vaudevillains).  I’m impressed.  Bull, however, is infuriated that the AIDS Man has cost him this tournament and a shot at NXT gold.

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After the match Bull begins to beat the shit out of the HYPE man.  It takes a little bit but a few people boo although it sounds possibly filtered in.  It is definitely filtered in as the crowd then starts a very loud THANK YOU BULL chant.  I personally want to find Bull Dempsey’s address and send him a “thank you” card with seven dollars in it like someone’s grandmother would do for their birthday.

Bull leaves the ring but then changes his mind and comes back, dropping Mojo with the Bulldozer.  A large BULL chant starts from the audience.  I haven’t seen them enjoy carnage this much since Big E. Langston.

Bayley reminds me of “barely legal” porn.

Suddenly this little boy Sasha Banks comes here with her A cup titties and begins berating Bayley.  Sasha tells Bayley to go back to la-la land and play with her inflatable doll friends.  Bayley says she’s not going to give Sasha a hug, even though Sasha is lonely after both Summer and Charlotte dumped her.  We have a Divas match later tonight.  Since Bayley has nice boobs and nice booty I pick her to win.  Sasha is flat like the Earth was considered to be by the Europeans before Christopher Columbus sailed across the globe. I wish we could use whatever they use to inflate the Tube Men in Bayley’s entrance to give Sasha Banks an ass.  The commentators focus on how much of a threat Sasha would be to Charlotte being that she knows her so well.  I wonder if Charlotte knows her husband, TNA’s Bram, is cheating on her with an inanimate 2x4 with nails in it named Janice (and yes, if you watched Impact you know that Bram and Abyss are feuding over “Janice” as if the 2x4 is a woman they are having sex with. I am not making this up).  Sasha controls most of the match, and Bayley is treated as an underdog (which is silly as she has a lot of wins here on NXT), Sasha hits a backstabber into a crossface but Bayley rolls over on Sasha in the crossface, pinning her shoulders to the mat despite getting almost no offense in this match.  Bayley is now #1 contender and Sasha can go back to standing around in the back and having no titties.

Charlotte comes out here to congratulate Bayley on her victory.  Bayley is hesitant but Charlotte shows class here and shakes hands with her, gives her a stare-down and peacefully walks away. 

Not sure if this is Sin Cara & Kalisto or Kevin Ward Jr. before Tony Stewart ran him over with a car.

Speaking of white people who are hicks, I think this is the first time these job squadders have had an entrance on NXT or even looked like they were even remotely relevant.  This is the team of Buddy Murphy and Wesley Blake.  They don’t even have a Titantron yet.  They do have some awful dubstep music though.  Sin Cara and Kalisto is a great team but I really miss Hunico & Camacho (Hunico is Sin Cara by the way if you’re stupid and did not know already).  This match is remarkably brief with “White Guys” losing the match.

Oh no, it’s the two Gay French Men in Maching Gay Long Sleeve T-Shirts.  Can’t we just sacrifice them to the Ghost of Napoleon and get La Resistance back in this company instead?  I can’t understand a word Marcus Louis is saying.  Sylvester LeFort isn’t much better.  They go away to go be French somewhere else after telling us they hate Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady.

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Our main event features Tyler Breeze getting his NXT title opportunity against Adrian Neville.  Neville starts off strong but Breeze takes out the leg from under Neville on the outside.  As he does, A WILD NATTIE’S HUSBAND APPEARS.

I actually pay more attention to the fat ugly ginger woman in the lower left corner of the screen shot.  She doesn’t look like she is having a good time, which is lame, as Neville is awesome to watch in the ring and Breeze has one of the best gimmicks on NXT.  How could she not be having fun?  Execute this bitch, please.

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This man looks miserable as he watches the match – you’d think Natalya wouldn’t let him get it in anymore.  This looks like a man who has to clean cat poop 4 times a day.  This looks like a man who has been married 9000 years.  This looks like the Al Bundy of NXT, Tyson Kidd.  The match has been great.  Tyler Breeze is showing us he knows how to do more than kick maneuvers.  Neville is just intense all the time as well.  If Adrian Neville isn’t the next truly big breakthrough star in the WWE when his NXT title reign ends, I will be surprised and disappointed but this guy has always been great.  Both men end up laid out on the steel and Tyson Kidd makes his way closer to the action.  Neville gets up to his feet and superkicks the fuck out of Tyson Kidd just for existing.  I love it.  The crowd loves it too.  Also he kicked the living shit out of Kidd.  Tyson got all of that.  Neville is about to hit the Red Arrow on Breeze but Kidd is back up, pulls Neville off of the turnbuckle, causing the match to be thrown out, tosses Breeze out like a bag of garbage and begins stomping on Neville.  Breeze is now upset and tosses Kidd off of Neville.  The two Canadians get into a shoving match and end up wailing on each other.  Neville is still down in the corner.  They brawl until Neville is back up and begins wailing on both men.  These guys are just beating the crap out of each other.  Finally Breeze and Kidd begin working together on Neville, only for Sami Zayn to come out here and attack Breeze and Kidd.  Sami Zayn clears house of the heels and helps Adrian Neville.  Crowd goes into a mix of the “OLE” chant and the “Adam Rose theme” since Zayn and Rose are currently tagging.  We cut to a close with Zayn’s awful entrance theme playing.

Solid NXT episode which gave me a lot of work with.  I wish they were all that substance-filled.  Alright, I’m out.  Until then check out all my other projects on various spots on the Internet!