From The Archives: Movie Review - Precious!

Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire [Blu-ray]
$9.48
Starring Gabourey Sidibe, Mo'Nique

This article was originally written during Black History Month 2010.  With Asked co-host EdWood recently discussing that he was watching the film a week ago, it prompted Riv to bring back this classic article mocking a movie filled with hilariously bad black stereotypes.  Precious might be one of the best comedies of our generation.  Be sure to use the link to the right to go to Amazon.com and buy your own copy, (or just use it to go to Amazon and buy ANYTHING ELSE you want from Amazon to help support our site and our projects.  Thanks.)

With Black History Month coming to a close, I felt it was only appropriate to find some way of contributing my fair share to it, and the only way I could think of is by reviewing and delivering a plot synopsis of the current “must-see” piece of Black Cinema out there, the movie Precious, which is based on a novel called Push, by Sapphire. I thought Sapphire was dead and I wonder if she’s bothered to contact Dusty Rhodes and let him know that she isn’t.

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Honestly looking at the main character in the movie, I figured that it was The Nutty Professor Part 3, and that the main character, portayed by Gabourey Sidibe, was Eddie Murphy with a fat suit on and some CG special effects.

Then I remembered that Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry are pushing this movie as the greatest piece of Black Cinema ever filmed, and so it’s probably not even going to be remotely funny. I should probably review it while drinking some malt liquor for added effect, but I’m going to challenge myself and do this one completely sober, and I will probably live to regret it.

The opening credits to the movie seem to be in TardType and English, which I assume is the way Precious’ character writes the English language.

I can’t help thinking that the text seems very, very familiar.

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Yes, that’s it. And I bet with how fat this chick is that she eats A LOT of chicken.  Hell, she's probably still hungry afterwards meaning the cows aren't safe either.

We open up with Precious having some kind of daydream where she is all dressed up nicely in some polka-dotted outfit. If there was any doubt Sapphire is the same one from the WWF, seeing Precious in polka-dots totally removed it. Yes, I know that it’s a different Sapphire, but I am being a sarcastic smart-ass so please don’t e-mail me trying to correct me.

Our tale takes place in Harlem, 1987. Claireece "Precious" Jones is walking through the school with her side narration, but I’m too distracted by how much she looks like The World’s Strongest Man Mark Henry so I have a hard time taking her narration which includes things like “I wish I had a white boyfriend,” and “I wish I could be in a BET video” seriously. Speaking of which, was BET even around in 1987?

The resemblance is uncanny.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Precious’ narration tells us all she does is sit in class with her book closed and dream of banging her white male teacher. Shortly after, Precious is called to the principal’s office while the rest of the kids in school make comments about her weight.

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Here is a picture of Precious bending over because if I’m going to not be able to sleep at night due to nightmares about it then I’m taking all of you down with me. When I say I like girls with big asses this is not what I mean.  

Precious is immediately asked if she is pregnant with her second child... Holy shit. How does one find ONE person that wants to fuck her, let alone TWO? Its proof that a man who is desperate enough would fuck anything. That’s how AIDS got started. She is suspended from school for being pregnant which makes no sense whatsoever, but her only protest is “I DO MY WORK MY GRADES IS GOOD.” The Principal wants to know what goes on in Precious’ home life, and I do believe we are about to find out.

At home, Precious is doing the dishes when her mother, played by Mo’Nique (who is almost obligatory to appear in any black movie about fat black women), asks if she brought home her cigarettes. When Precious says they were out, she is immediately hit in the back of the head with a bottle thrown with all the velocity of a New York Yankees World Series pitch. As Precious fades into unconsciousness we are witnessed a sight that would turn the stomach of even someone who has survived Vietnam.

PRECIOUS SEX SCENE. My dick won’t function for a week. The comments that are being made such as “Daddy loves you” would indicate that this is her father which makes it fifty times more disgusting as well as the random shots of bacon & eggs, and Vaseline, which I imagine Precious smells like a combination of both.

Precious then goes from a flashback of being raped by her dad to a daydream about going to an awards show with a white guy in a stupid hat, while wearing a red dress.

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That red dress looks familiar...

SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY ASS KICKED, SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY WIG SPLIT.  SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY ASS KICKED, SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY WIG SPLIT. BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, 

SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY ASS KICKED, SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY WIG SPLIT. 
SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY ASS KICKED, SOMEBODY GUNNA GET DEY WIG SPLIT.
BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, BEAT 'EM UP, BREAK HIS NECK, 

Haha, okay I promise I’ll stop with the Mark Henry comparisons, maybe...

Her dreams are ended abruptly by the rain, which is in actuality Mo’Nique dumping a bucket of water over the unconscious Precious to wake her dumb ass up (or to take the stupid Ice Bucket Challenge), which combined with the foul water in her skin, bitch looks like a chocolate glazed donut.  If she looked in a mirror she would get hungry and eat herself to death.

I don’t know what the hell Precious is cooking but judging by the fact that it looks like the first dump I take in the morning I can assume that there is no way that can be healthy for you.

Three people just died of a heart attack simply by glancing at this photo.

Three people just died of a heart attack simply by glancing at this photo.

Precious begins yelling at the person trying to buzz in on her apartment, assuming it is a crackhead as “only crackheads buzz us.” It turns out to be her school principal, which infuriates Mo’Nique who doesn’t want “no white bitch up in here.” Her nostrils flare and she threatens Precious if she doesn’t get this white woman to go away and makes a face that resembles the combined might of both Bebop and Rocksteady from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I like to call it the “Fat Black Mom” face because it’s how every fat black ghetto mom looks all over town, and I live in Atlanta, so I would definitely know. She tries to tell Precious about a special learning program called Each 1 Teach 1, but if she wanted to get Precious to go she should have called it Eat 1 Free 1. Nothing attracts fat bitches like free food.

Because Precious didn’t get the white woman to leave as quickly as Mo’Nique wanted, she immediately tries to swing a frying pan at the head of Precious which Precious narrowly avoids. I begin to laugh uncontrollably because the violence in this movie is on a level I haven’t seen since like, The Three Stooges.  In fact that is what this movie is - a black version of the Three Stooges.  "But there is only two of them!," you say.  My rebuttal is that Precious is the size of two normal human beings.

The “ugly black ghetto mom” face. Mo’Nique expresses that face so well in this film.

The “ugly black ghetto mom” face. Mo’Nique expresses that face so well in this film.

Mo’Nique yells viciously that school isn’t going to help Precious and that she should “take her ass down to THE welfare.” We find out Monique is furious because of the incest between her husband and her daughter, and actually jealous that Precious has inbred children by him. Mo’Nique goes on and on for several minutes about “bringing a white bitch in here” which sums up an attitude many, many black people have about white people, and I have to give the movie props for showing how easily it works both ways and how black people do actually have a “chip on their shoulder” in many cases towards other races.

Precious is verbally berated by her mother who tells her nobody wants her, nobody needs her, and she is a dumb bitch who will never amount to shit along with telling her she should have been an abortion and chasing her up the stairs while throwing various objects at her - this is textbook bad parenting and I see it all the time any time I go to Kroger or Wal-Mart in my little ghetto town on the outskirts of Atlanta.

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The next morning Precious is followed by her younger neighbor who wants to know when they are going to play, a nappy headed hoe who has hair reminiscent of Sho-Nuff from The Last Dragon. Precious basically tells her to fuck off, which I would have done the exact same thing in that situation.

Sheri Shepard greets Precious at the alternative school as the receptionist. I didn’t recognize her without MVP’s dick in her mouth. It was bad enough Oprah endorsed this movie, but now I’m  seeing cast members from the View. I don’t think I have the strength to do this in one sitting.

On the way back from her first visit she’s accosted by several black youths who yell about wanting some of that “sweet ass.” If this confuses you as to why they would want to, keep in mind they look a lot like the rapists from the movie Death Wish 2, and those guys fucked a Mexican maid and a retarded mute woman.

Fortunately for the eyes of all involved we do not get a ten minute rape scene, just the boy shoving Precious so she falls down on the sidewalk while they laugh. That’s hardly enough of an offense to get Paul Kersey on the case.

Precious has some more daydreams about people adoring and loving her but I will spare you the screenshots of an obese lard trying to look sexy. It’s painful, too painful. However, we do get to see Precious look in the mirror and see staring back at her what she seems to wish she could be, a “pretty white woman.”  You know it's bad when your own mirror is trying to catfish you. Maybe she could have asked Michael Jackson for help with that but in 1987 he wasn’t a pretty white woman yet, just a normal black guy. Meanwhile Mo’Nique is...

You know, I would rather see Mark Jinjack masturbating than Mo’Nique, even if Mo’Nique is covered up it’s not something I want to think about. Ever. But now because of this movie I have to. And now because of this review, you have to as well. It’s the cycle of abuse. Nothing personal.  To make matters worse she asks Precious to "come help yo' Momma."  Yes, she wants Precious to HELP HER MASTURBATE.  If my parents asked me to help them masturbate, I'd go back in time and abort myself.

The next scene is not altered in any way by me. I am not making off-key, cruel jokes at all. No. PRECIOUS LITERALLY STEALS A BUCKET OF CHICKEN. If a white person had written this into a movie script they would have been crucified by Rev. Jesse Jackson, but since a black person directed this and wrote the screenplay it’s socially acceptable... oh and apparently Elijah Muhammad lives or some shit.

Precious goes to her first day of alternative school with a teacher played by some other famous black musician or some shit, but I don’t really know her name because I don’t really follow black music - the only one I know is Rihanna and that’s only because Chris Brown beat the holy fuck out of her.

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Precious is now in class with a girl with gigantic D-Von Dudley glasses, a girl who talks like Miss Cleo, a girl with a rag on her head who looks like she swabs the deck, and most importantly... MY PEOPLE, THE PUERTO RICANS, because you simply can’t have a movie set in New York without ‘em. Of course they’re miserable because every Puerto Rican in the past five years has been portrayed as completely miserable, and somehow I think that’s probably my fault, or something. I’d probably bang both of the girls in this though, mainly because Angelic Zambrana looks like a good lay, so if they find this review, call me some time, I’m single. Lots of scenes of typical learning and ups and downs with the group ensue, as well as a slap fight with one of the Puerto Rican chicks.

While she struggles to learn she also struggles to deal with the flashbacks of her father molesting her and saying shit like “you bedda then ya mutha.” Mo’Nique torments Precious more about how stupid she is and that she is gonna get herself fucked up listening to them “white people.” Precious is forced to cook nasty foods like pig’s feet for her mom. Just the thought makes me sick. Precious gets yelled at and snapped on because she didn’t make any collared greens and because the food doesn’t look good so Mo’Nique forces her to eat all of it.

Precious hits the welfare office where the welfare case worker is played by Mariah Carey and age has not been kind to the famous musician, nor has her 7-trillion nervous breakdowns or all the black dick she has taken - she was like Prototype Kardashian, taking dark meat while they were wetting their diapers to LeVar Burton on Reading Rainbow. I don’t think it’s makeup that’s making her look like God ran her face over with a steamroller but instead a LACK OF MAKEUP.

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Here is a photo to remember better days, before Mariah Carey became as sexually unappealing as Drew Carey.  I would have torn that woman up back in the day.  Now I just want to tear my eyes up so I don't have to look at her.

Precious reveals her first-born baby’s name is Mongo. There’s any number of wrestling/football jokes I can make about Steve “Mongo” McMichael at this point but they’re so easy to make that I’m just going to refrain from doing so - just know that Precious’ first born child is legitimately retarded and they legitimately named it Mongo as the short form of the word “Mongoloid.”  Somehow I think it would have been better had the baby been a CG Mongo McMichael and his WCW entrance theme played any time the baby was shown.  I'm a sick man.

Do I really even need to caption that photo?

Do I really even need to caption that photo?

After the social worker leaves during this scene, Mo’Nique snaps and throws the child off her because she doesn’t want to deal with this “motherfucker, goddamn animal.” During the conversation with Mariah’s character Mariah catches onto the abuse by Precious’ father and basically cuts her off of welfare until or unless she discusses what happened with her father. She also adds that she never gets to go to the doctor and had Mongo on the kitchen floor.

More learning ensues with the alternative school crew until finally we get to Precious giving birth to her second child. I just hope they don’t show us one of those scenes like Katherine Heigl’s vagina in Knocked Up. That was horridly appalling and that was with an actress I find ATTRACTIVE so I can’t even imagine if they did with this fatty-fat. Fortunately we dodge that bullet.

Lenny Kravitz as a fruit-cup-eating-male-nurse is almost as appalling, however.  Is Lenny Kravitz gay or something?  I mean he's a fruit-cup-eating-fruit in this and then he's a fashion-designing-fruit in the Hunger Games.  There has to be something going on here.

...Fuck my life. Usually I’m all for a titty or two... not this time.  With Precious' gross diet I bet her tits produce cheese instead of milk anyway.

After I vomit in the bathroom, Precious returns home where Mo’Nique wants to see her grandchild, but of course pig that she is in this film, decides to keep smoking her cigarettes while holding an infant. What a classy lady.

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Mo’Nique then proceeds to toss the baby onto a chair like so much crap on a stick while finding more foreign objects to throw at Precious while calling her a bitch for fucking her man and costing her the welfare checks she was getting.

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This leads to an epic battle of King Kong vs. Godzilla proportions. Somebody call the Japanese and the Emperor because things are about to get messy!  Or can we at least get the giant robots from Pacific Rim to break this up?

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Precious Irish-whips Mo’Nique into the couch, knocking her down then grabs her newborn to escape. She knocks down the television on the way out and gets pelted in the back of the neck with a flower pot for her troubles.  I don't understand why Precious didn't hit the World's Strongest Slam, her finisher.

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This dazes Precious enough for her to fall down the stairs with the baby, which probably shouldn’t be funny, but I’m an asshole so I laugh out loud and am reminded of the way Plinko chips fall from the Price is Right, if Plinko chips were fat and got banged by their fathers.  I'm astonished the fall doesn't cause a 7.2 on the richter scale.

Lacking a chainsaw to throw at Precious, Mo’Nique instead opts for trying to drop a television on her head, but unfortunately, narrowly misses.

Lil’ Sho-Nuff begins to annoy Precious on the way out, and gets exactly what she deserves to for being an annoying, insolent little shit, thrown into the wall by Precious’ gorilla-shove.

Precious breaks into the school to sleep at night and ends up turning to her teacher for help, and a place to stay for her and her baby. She finds out her teacher is a lesbian and I tell you right now if there’s a three-way involving Precious I’m outta here. After some happy-joy scenes trying to lift Precious’ spirits, Mo’Nique tracks Precious down to tell her that her father is dead... from AIDS. Mo’Nique claims that because they never did it “up in da ass” that she knows she doesn’t have AIDS but Precious might, which leads to Precious actually having AIDS, which leads to laughter, and for this article an appropriate interlude:

I *love* that song!

We get a lot of dramatic scenes at this point including Mo’Nique explaining what happened with her now-dead-from-AIDS-boyfriend and Precious’ children who were created from incest with said-AIDS-boyfriend. Things are revealed such as Mo’Nique claiming Precious and her kids belong to her and that she thinks Precious was born in the summertime when she was really born in November, as well as her hatred at the fact that her boyfriend would rather fuck Precious than her. After a breakdown, Mo’Nique says she doesn’t want welfare checks or money but she wants her Precious back. She even brings Mongo with her!

Precious explains to Mo’Nique that she will never see Precious and her babies again. She takes Mongo and leaves explaining she’s better than this now because she can read, write and is educated the way she never was before. Precious walks away into the future with her two incest babies and her AIDS and our movie comes to a close.

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Push: A Novel
$10.71
By Sapphire

What gets me is that while many people may find Precious’ story touching, because of the fact she can read, write, and learns the importance of her children, while trying to make it, they fail to understand the key fact that this is not a happy ending for one reason: SHE’s GOING TO DIE OF AIDS. So to me, I don’t see her as having really overcome her challenges unless Precious 2: The Cure for AIDS comes out and involves a journey through time and space with Magic Johnson.  Actually, I hope that happens - but I'm not sure that Precious and Mo'Nique's fat asses could enter a portal through space and time without getting stuck.  THAT is how fat they are.    Still maybe Mongo can pull through and save her mother... I really hope we get a Mongo spin-off sequel.

I will say that I laughed more during Precious than I would during a 3rd Nutty Professor film, and I highly recommend it because if you’re a drama-lover you will clearly enjoy this movie, but if you’re a crazy, sick bastard like me, you will also clearly enjoy this movie laughing at all the things that would make a normal person cry. It’s also good to remind you why a healthy diet is important.