Do I really have to recap this shit? Robin Williams died and I don’t feel like celebrating Hulk Hogan’s stupid birthday. My dog’s birthday (which is sadly on the same day) is way more important. I hope she lives to be as ancient as Hogan.
It’s not about hating Hogan; I respect what he has done, but this birthday thing is kinda gay. I mean if I were rich, famous, and able to do so, would I have my birthday on RAW? No I would spend it with a hot chick sitting on my face, or several hot chicks with different-flavored vaginas taking turns sitting on my face. I wish Hogan would spend his time doing that instead of coming out here reminding us that he is "old as fuck."
Brock Lesnar is here. Remember when he beat and bloodied Hogan? I hope that’s the gift. Oh, Paul Heyman is here too. Paul Heyman reminds us, EAT, SLEEP, SHIT, CONQUER, FUCK, KILL CENA, or whatever. He says at this point he doesn’t even have to say it. He says Brock Lesnar wants Heyman to sell fans of the CeNation that they need this Pay-Per-View. Heyman says bad things happen to good people when they step into the ring with Brock Lesnar.
Heyman then reminds us HIS CLIENT BROCK LESNAR CONQUERED THE UNDERTAKER’S UNDEFEATED STREAK. Paul Heyman reminds us how dominant Lesnar has been even in the beginning when he got his hands on the Rock and put The Rock out for 6 to 8 months and that was when he was a rookie. Heyman reminds Brock Lesnar put Hogan out, too. He continues this history lesson on and on and on and on. I don’t even have to recap it because it sounds like a fucking Wikipedia entry for Lesnar’s career. Heyman reminds us he’s just Brock Lesnar’s Jew. Legitimately, he says this. He also rapped for us and further proved that Cena’s Thuganomics license should be revoked.
Flo Rida wishes Hulk Hogan happy birthday. The fact Flo Rida is a wrestling fan makes me regret my entire life and wish that I had taken up a different hobby, like stamp collecting, or becoming a serial killer. I wish we could trade the entire Flo Rida and his grand total of like TWO songs to get Robin Williams back. Weird Al Yankovic also wished Hogan a happy birthday. Unlike Flo Rida though I respect Weird Al.
Roman Reigns does not feel like celebrating because he has a hand-picked-by-the-Authority opponent to take on tonight. It will probably be Unmasked Kane out of spite for us all (since Roman seems to fight Kane for free every single week).
Told you. REPUBLIKANE/Corporate Kane/Citizen Kane/SuitKane/Whatever-You-Want-To-Call-Him – but it won’t be Kane fighting tonight…
Roman will have to face Rybaxel, WWE's answer to 2 Girls 1 Cup (because you turn them both off in approximately the same amount of time). Remember when Ryback was the guy always fighting two guys at once? Now he’s one of the two guys someone ELSE fights at once. Also, their red hats are stupid. After a lengthy, boring, dull match which ends with Rybaxel making asses of themselves and getting disqualified (and then STILL getting their asses kicked by Reigns), we get Renee "Horny Nerd's Dicksmaster" Young interviewing Reigns at ringside.
Reigns says he has never stolen from Randy Orton but at Summerslam he will take everything from Orton and that even if the Viper is back, what’s a viper when you knock it fangs down its throat? A worthless little worm. Reigns vs. Orton should be exciting yet it just… isn’t. Reigns is incredibly over yet his feud with Orton doesn’t have the steam that his Shield counterparts, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollin have while fighting each other.
Orton and Kane, the “Hunter’s Haircuts Club” exchanges heated words backstage while looking like a support group for male-pattern baldness. Orton says that once again Kane didn’t get the job done so it’s up to Orton to take care of Reigns. Kane says that the Authority wants to make sure Randy Orton is ready for Reigns so he’ll have to take on Sheamus tonight. I have the urge to call a depression hotline and ask them for help. WWE is bullying me with a crappy card again.
Whoopee! Stephanie has a confession. Unless Stephanie is confessing to anal sex, I don’t care about this. Also Jericho and Bray Wyatt had one on one interviews conducted by Michael Cole. Do Wyatt or Jericho need Michael Cole’s help on a microphone? No? Didn’t think so.
RVD is in action against Seth Rollins this week, since we didn’t have the match after all a week ago. I had to take a dump and missed about half the match in all honesty but from the second half it was typical-Rollins-Van-Dam style but ultimately ended in Rollins winning with the curbstomp as Rollins needs the momentum going into the lumberjack (why) match with Ambrose. I really wish they’d have put the briefcase on the line since the stipulation is just a “get lots of job guys on the screen” clause.
Here is Seth Rollins and his slutty streetwalker-don't-even-need-a-condom-while-I-wear-them tights as he looks at Hulk Hogan’s gifts and wants one for himself. He goes for the largest gift box which is large enough to actually have a person inside. He shakes it slightly because he has a feeling Ambrose is inside. We’re told Ambrose is inside by the King, who manages to destroy the whole effect for everyone watching on television. The live crowd didn’t have to hear Lawler ruin it for us.
This Homeless Man We Call Dean Ambrose says for just 9.99 he’s going to get more than his money’s worth as there’s nowhere to run or hide Sunday at Summerslam. I’m still appalled Lawler ruined the spot with his bad commentary. The fan girls are even angrier – why? Because this means Hulk Hogan gets to have his own personal Dean Ambrose for his birthday and they don’t.
Stephanie is out for her secret confession and says Daniel Bryan has been training with a physical trainer named Megan Miller to get back into the ring.
OH GOD NOT A CLAIRE LYNCH ANGLE IN THE WWE. The chick even looks homely and dopey. Stephanie puts the microphone in her face. She says her boyfriend left and she ended up sleeping with Daniel Bryan.
CLAIRE LYNCH 2014. Can't wait until we find out she is pregnant with Daniel Bryan's baby! He's not well enough to wrestle but he's well enough to fuck that bitch kama sutra style!
Fight happens once Stephanie implies Brie is a “dead fish (dead fuck)” and then after everyone is left with a bad taste in their mouths, football players wish Hulk Hogan happy birthday. I do not care about this and you should not either.
WE. THE PEOPLE.
Cesaro is already in the ring waiting for Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter – keep in mind Cesaro has already done the job to Swagger on Smackdown (which almost nobody watches anymore) so he’s about to do it again – also “already in ring” status usually means the WWE doesn’t care about you so Cesaro’s push is as dead as Robin Williams.
Cesaro loses after a lengthy match and Swagger and Zeb cut promos for the showdown with Rusev. Colter is always golden on the microphone. What a mess this is though – did Cesaro walk in on Stephanie shitting again?
Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho go face to face and Michael Cole is immediately dismissed because of what I said earlier: he’s not needed. In the face-to-face Bray Wyatt implies that Chris Jericho became a savior so he would not be a disappointment to his father. Bray’s psychological promos are enjoyable. I enjoy them. This segment actually does a lot more for the feud than most of the previous build up.
I’m also loving the return of SUIT JERICHO. Suit Jericho makes me think his reply to this long Bray Wyatt promo about trying to help people and be the true Savior means that Jericho’s rebuttal will be to simply punch Bray Wyatt’s wife in the face like he did to HBK’s wife all those years ago.
Disgusted Slightly Unshaven In a Suit Jericho is one of my favorites. Jericho says he will follow the buzzards and shove them right down Bray’s throat leaving him speechless and is going to shut Bray Wyatt up for good.
AJ. Meh. I don’t even care about her anymore. Send her home to fuck Phil. Ever since she lost her ass she’s dead to me. Her ass melted away like ice cream. Her ass faded away like Michael J. Fox's photos in Back to the Future. Her ass faded away like a cheap t-shirt after being washed multiple times. Her ass went away like a black man in ghetto who just found out his fuckbuddy is pregnant with his child. You get the point.
I swear Eva Marie is already in the ring just so we don’t have to hear the highly negative reaction the crowd consistently gives her. On NXT last week they wanted to give her a prison shanking and no, there’s no sexual innuendo in there; they just want her dead. Eva wins the match when Paige rushes down and distracts AJ.
I LOVE PAIGE BECAUSE THE MEAT IS STILL FRESH AND CM PUNK DIDN’T CONFISCATE HER LITTLE WHITE GIRL BOOTY AND PUT IT IN HIS REFRIGERATOR WHILE HE DOES STUPID SHIT I DON’T CARE ABOUT ON NERDIST. Paige then reads AJ a poem about how she wants to punch her in the face and take her title.
AJ takes out her anger on Eva Marie much to the joy of the entire audience. I’m pretty sure she could decapitate Eva Marie and the crowd would cheer. But no matter how many times you murder Eva Marie, your booty is dead, and killing Eva won't bring it back to life.
John Cena. New ugly shirt. Same old promo. John Cena also says he won’t “lay down for Brock Lesnar” which most smarks will take as “OMGCENASAIDHEWOULDNTJOB” – some of you are just as bad. I’m apathetic to the whole thing – scratch that – I wanna see Brock kill his ass. I feel like John Cena’s one promo is so generic that it made Robin Williams kill himself rather than sit through another one. Cena gets intense but we’ve heard it before “the side of Cena we’ve never seen.” Not a terrible promo, but it’s just… more of the same ol’, same ol’.
Larry King and Florida Georgia Line give Hogan birthday wishes. Larry King was around in 12,000 BC when Hulk Hogan wrestled his first match so he has fond memories of Hogan.
Brie is ready to fight Stephanie tonight instead of waiting until Summerslam. For a girl with itty bitty titties she looks damn good. Now why the hell would Daniel Bryan cheat on this with a bitch that looks like she's got two black eyes before a man's even punched her twice? Logic, WWE. Logic.
Stephanie McMahon comes out here and is NOT dressed to compete. She's dressed to do her fucking groceries instead. She says that Brie may not make it to Summerslam after the match she has tonight. Stephanie explains that Megan Miller is PRESSING CHARGES. Ugh, really? Not again.
The cops might shoot her in the cop car which is probably what Stephanie meant about not surviving the night. She must have forgotten that Brie is white so that probably won’t happen. What crap.
Crap? I spoke too soon. Here is some real crap: The Miz dressed like the Kingpin after liposuction and after getting a cheap toupee. Also Dolph Ziggler is fighting Heath Slater. I don’t care about any of this. Miz says that if his face were to get hurt there might not be a “Marine 5.” I hope this means somebody stabs him in the face. JBL unplugs the MIz’s headset. I love you, sir. Dolph Ziggler leaves the ring to attack the Miz and HEATH SLATER WINS! HEATH SLATER WINS! HEATH SLATER WINS! HE’S A 3 MAN BAAAAANNNNDDDD!!!!
Every time Slater wins I wish holographic images representing Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre would materialize like ghosts of the fallen to air guitar with him. Dolph congratulates Slater with a Zig-Zag. What a sore loser. I wish WWE would explain Heath’s win streak storyline-wise – maybe he sacrificed Jinder and Drew to Satan to gain their powers.
I forgot Orton was fighting Sheamus. I forgot Sheamus was the US Champion. I forgot to find a fuck to give. So I’m going to give a dump instead. Then I forgot that I already crapped during Rollins/RVD (not intentionally but because I had to actually go to the bathroom) and that I have no real excuse to avoid this, much to my dismay.
Sheamus vs. Randy Orton goes on so long that the ghost of Robin Williams appears to me and asks me to join him in the afterlife. I consider it but luckily this shit-fest ends. Also the only thing anyone noticed (after Orton takes out Sheamus with an RKO while Sheamus is in mid-air) is that for some reason Sheamus’ arm is yellow. Maybe he has SARS. Or that shit from the Strain that turns you into a vampire. After this the entire roster is put on the ramp to celebrate Hulk Hogan’s birthday.
After a long-ass video and a boring speech, they bring out Ric Flair and Paul Orndorff to celebrate the birthday.
Orndorff comes out here but I legitimately thought he was Gabby Jay from Super NES Punch Out and expected him to yell "YAY!" before someone Star Punched him to death.
Piper too. Okay. Can we go now?
Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are out here in NWO gear.
Hogan goes back to his NWO gear here too so that WWE can sell t-shirts like it's 1998 again. Kevin Nash then sings Hogan happy birthday. Can we go now?
CAN WE FUCKING GO NOW? Brock’s music interrupts the party. Brock is like that angry abusive orderly that spongebathes these guys and then rapes them at the old folk’s home. IT’S BATH TIME. Brock says “party’s over Grandpa.” Hogan and Lesnar stare down and John Cena rushes to the ring to save Hogan. But Paul Heyman Guys DO NOT FIGHT FOR FREE so we’re out of here. Thankfully.
That show felt 200 years long. I’m glad that’s over. I’m going to shower and try to preserve what is left of my dignity.