Recap: WWE NXT Is Riv (August 7, 2014)

How sad is it I’d rather review the Bronies documentary or play Kim Kardashian Hollywood to finish my reviews ripping both those things to shreds than to watch NXT?  I have so many other things I should be doing – laundry, calls for work, invoices for work, other articles, showering, organizing my porn folder… literally anything else, yet here I sit watching what goes on in WWE developmental.  Time is money so don’t forget to drop me a dollar or two on my PayPal, jasonrivera@gmail.com to keep this train from derailing.  I need the motivation and to break even to justify the waste of time every week.

I hope this is not one of those nights where the best part of the whole thing is the WWE signature.  On an unrelated note to anything, I want pretzels.  I don’t know why this is.  Sadly this is one of those NXT episodes where Rich Brennan commentates.  That guy is worse than AIDS.

We start things off with new music and a new look for Jason Jordan who has found his partner Tye Dillinger but also lost his weird afro thing he had going on.  In this exact moment I feel ashamed of myself as a human being on the earth for even knowing what their OLD music sounded like.  We have an NXT tag title tournament so these guys are going to start it off against Colin Cassaday and Enzo Amore.

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The crowd goes wild for Cassady and Amore.  Amore reminds us he is a certified G and a bonafide stud and you can’t teach that.  And this is Big Cass, and he’s 7 foot tall and you can’t teach that – bada boom, realest guys in the room; how ya doin’?  Big Cass says they’re about to run through this tournament like the Kool Aid Man running through walls and all their opponents are S-A-W-F-T!  These guys are money on the microphone.  Standard fare tag match here – Amore and Cass are better on the mic than in the ring.  Dillinger and Jordan have a very “Haas & Benjamin” feel to them, which isn’t entirely a bad thing.  The problem with that is they need a manager or a more charismatic guy to lead them much like Haas & Benjamin once had with Kurt Angle.  Amore and Cass manage to outsmart Dillinger & JJ after Big Cass hits the big boot on Jordan leading to a barely conscious Enzo to get the pinfall victory.

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Here’s a good shot of the NXT Commentary B Team: Alex Riley, Rich “AIDS” Brennan, and Fuck You I’m Still Calling Him Lord Tensai.  I wish Jason Albert had a gimmick where he'd have Tensai flashbacks and beat the shit out of Rich Brennan like used to do to Sakamoto.

We now get a look at the tag team bracket.  Wesley Blake and Buddy Murphy?  Nobody even knows who those guys are!  I’m surprised Sami Zayn & ??? vs. Natalya’s Husband and Heath Slater’s Ex-Wife is so early in the tournament.  Not really feeling Cocaine Man and Bull vs. the Rapists either.  If I have to pick a favorite to win this tournament I’m going to go with Enzo & Cass.  I could be entirely wrong; I probably am because my mind has already forgotten the NXT spoilers that have been posted on the sheets.

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Renee Young is interviewing Sami Zayn backstage who says he was assigned a partner but that partner is not medically cleared so he’s stuck without a partner.  This leads to Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel mocking Zayn claiming he’s lying and never had a partner to begin with.  The former El Generico being taunted by a man who lives in his wife's ass's shadow, and a guy who peaked at Nexus.

Sami Zayn is ready to go it alone until Adam Rose decides to step in and become his partner.  He also offers Zayn the lollipop.  My guess is Zayn will have to perform sexual favors for Adam Rose in exchange for his assistance later.  I also believe that by South African customs by sucking on Adam Rose's lollipop that Zayn and Rose are now legally married, and Rose may dispose of his new wife at will. 

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The ridiculous signs in CJ Parker’s entrance actually put him over for me since they’re the best part of his existence.  MAY THE FOREST BE WITH YOU.  It’s time to wrap up the feud between CJ Parker and Xavier Woods – a feud nobody really cares about to begin with.  Speaking of Woods, rumor has it his attempt to make a Black People faction has run its course on RAW and won’t happen leading to Kofi being boring, Big E being lost in the midcard, and Xavier Woods… jobbing to CJ Parker tonight.  That’s exactly what happens by the way.

Oh and CJ Parker wanted us to STOP FRILKIN FRACKING.  I don’t even know what that means!  It sounds like some unfavorable thing you do to players you kill in Call of Duty.  After Woods has a good showing (but loses regardless), the commentators talk about how Woods doesn’t seem to be able to win.  Afterwards we are to turn our attention to the Giant Homo on the Titantron:

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Tyler Breeze says that he’s ready to challenge Adrian Neville (that creature) for the NXT Championship.  He says that once he washes the title of all the uggo, the WannaBreeze (his followers) will enjoy the era of gorgeous.

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Bayley’s inflatable tube men creep me out.  Those things creep me out in public anyway.  I can’t help thinking Bayley probably has an inflatable tube man dildo. 

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Oh man, the amount of heat Eva Marie gets for existing is nuclear.  Everyone hates Eva with the exception of the following:

--Insanely homosexual young adult males who seem to want to BE Eva Marie, also known as “Faggots.”

--Girls with poor choice in role models, who likely take all their dating advice from the Kim Kardashian videogame.

--Horny nerds who want to nail Eva Marie.

--Eva Marie.

The NXT audience is booing tremendously while Eva sits on a box doing nothing for approximately 1 minute.  She’s got a decent body but I find her hair stupid, legitimately.  I don’t find her any worse than Kelly Kelly, but I found Kelly Kelly awful as well.  The crowd starts a deafening YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chant almost immediately followed with an even louder BAYLEY’S GONNA HUG YOU chant.  After Bayley puts Eva Marie away, a huge THANK YOU BAYLEY chant starts.  Wow, they hate that Eva bitch here.  It’s time for our main event featuring Kidd & Gabriel vs. Zayn & Rose.  Kidd is also not bringing Natalya to the ring despite the crowd’s WE WANT NATTIE chant.  I don’t think the female audience realizes Justin Gabriel is heel as they still chant and cheer for him.  Crowd is firmly behind Zayn and Rose.  Adam Rose slaps Gabriel and Kidd on the ass at various points of the match, but that only pisses them off and they begin working the party man over.  Rose tries to fight out with a spinebuster but it’s not enough to make a tag and he gets worked over by Gabriel and the newly-tagged-in Tyson Kidd in the corner.  Hot tag to Zayn after infinite amounts of Rose getting his ass kicked pays off with Zayn hitting a lot of high risk offense, and taking out most men with a senton to the outside onto the two of them.  Rose now does the same from the top rope to the outside and the crowd is going nuts.  The running kick takes Gabriel out by Zayn allowing Rose & Zayn to advance in the tournament.

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What a lovely couple.  Alright. I need to shower. I’m out. Catch you guys next week.