Recap: Monday Night RAW is Riv (July 7th, 2014)

So it’s time for RAW. I don’t think I have the caffeine for this.  This might be an all-new, all-different RAW is Riv in the regard that it’s syndicated as I’ve reached a deal with the Spanish Announce Table Podcast so that my recaps will be available on their website in addition to my own on www.thespanishannouncetable.net – if you’re on that site already, you can find all the other crazy projects I’m a part of online on www.listentothisshow.com – now that I’ve introduced myself it’s time for my weekly hobby/community service duty of watching WWE RAW so you don’t have to.

I completely ignored the last few minutes of NCIS, which I normally don’t do but I’m glad it’s back to NCIS before RAW and not Modern Family.  I was tired of seeing the annoying gay couple (who for the record is annoying because they are annoying, not annoying because they are gay).  We are reminded that John Cena is the 15 time champion.  Nobody seems pleased by this, and I’m not either.  I don’t hate Cena mind you, I just find his title reigns boring at this point.  What else is there for a John Cena to do that he hasn’t done?  Fight Rusev? That sounds atrociously boring.  You know what he is doing right now?  The same thing he did the last few times he had the belt – feud with Orton.  Since Roman Reigns and Kane are both involved and the next title defense for Cena is a Fatal Four Way, WWE manages to make it look like it’s something different.

We’re opening up with the guy who wasn’t informed the Shield disbanded, Roman Reigns.  When I first watched FCW I never thought “Leakee” would be one of the top guys.  WWE loves to prove us wrong. 

Reigns says he came to the ring with a point.  Reigns points out that he knows he’s only been put here to do damage to Cena so that Kane and Orton can take Reigns out and pick up the scraps on Cena.  He’s assessed the situation and knows he’s a wanted man around here.  The crowd starts a “CENA SUCKS” chant to which Reigns says “when Roman Reigns is in the house, you damn right Cena sucks.”  He promises not to be a pawn and to be the next WWE World Heavyweight champion. BULEE DAT.  I see that even though Teddy Long has been fired his catchphrase lives on.

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The Jew Who Actually Likes Ovens, Kane comes out here and stares at Reigns.  Reigns asks if Kane is still the Devil’s Favorite Demon, or just HHH’s lapdog… or better yet, Randy Orton’s bitch.  Kane makes his way to the ring and Reigns cuts him off.  The two begin brawling.  Maybe Kane is just butthurt about Reigns breaking his Royal Rumble elimination record.  Reigns seems to be getting the best out of the exchange and clotheslines Kane into the audience then gives chase.  Kane regains an advantage and the two return to the ringside area where Reigns is tossed into a steel ring post – rather than continue to let them brawl an army of referees come out here.  Kane chokeslams one which leads to Reigns taking the chance to cheap shot Kane.  More referees are summoned as well as Mike “Superstar Sperm” Rotundo, Coach Mercury and his 2 kilos of coke, Bore Us Malenko, Guy Who Lost the Cruiserweight Title to Hornswoggle, and Finlaydick.JPG.  As they try to break this up, Roman spears Finlaydick.JPG. 

TONIGHT ON RAW: We just want to remind you Bret Hart isn't physically dead yet; he's only dead inside.

TONIGHT ON RAW: We just want to remind you Bret Hart isn't physically dead yet; he's only dead inside.

Bret Hart is here because Canada is the only place that still gives a shit about him.  Also Chris Jericho is on RAW taking on the Miz.  John Cena will also have a one on one match against Seth Rollins.  Michael Cole teases the idea that Rollins could cash in.  We already know Ambrose will get involved, so there’s no point in acting like Rollins takes home the title tonight. 

You could dust hard-to-reach places with Luke Harper's beard.

You could dust hard-to-reach places with Luke Harper's beard.

The Wyatt Family are in the ring already when we come back after the DEA-. Their new theme is weird but not as creepy as that weird Cuckoo’s Nest music.  They are fighting the Usos for the 957th time which leads me to not care and immediately check my inboxes on various social networks hoping that some attractive 18 and up females have sent me nude photos to fap to instead of watching this pointless match in a virtually non-existent feud.  When you say OOS, I say GO (to the bathroom).  You know a match is rough when the commercials are the best part about it.  After a long match with some alright (but standard) spots, Harper hits a clothesline on Jey Uso for the victory even though Jimmy was the legal man.  Also we are told this makes The Wyatt Family #1 contenders (again) which means we get to see this match (again) which means I will go to the bathroom (again).

Unless you have really, really bad ADD or you're a fangirl that wants to diddle your vagina, you saw this on Smackdown and don't want to see it again.

Unless you have really, really bad ADD or you're a fangirl that wants to diddle your vagina, you saw this on Smackdown and don't want to see it again.

After some WWE Network shilling, we’re told Randy Orton will take on Dean Ambrose in a rematch from Smackdown.  I hate when WWE acts like we didn’t just see that the other day – I swear they do shit like that just so the fan girls can have something to finger themselves to.  Seth Rollins, Randy Orton and Kane all have trouble getting along backstage because HHH and Stephanie are not here tonight. 

Here is a WWE factoid which is living proof that teens are retarded people and if you have one you have probably failed as a parent.  We’re now having a Divas match where Nikki Bella is taking on Alicia Fox and each Diva will have one hand tied behind their backs. 

When Nikki Bella dies her surgically enhanced tits and ass will still be here for hundreds of years after the rest of her has rotted back into the earth.  Also I'd cream in her booty in front of John Cena while he cried if I had my way.

When Nikki Bella dies her surgically enhanced tits and ass will still be here for hundreds of years after the rest of her has rotted back into the earth.  Also I'd cream in her booty in front of John Cena while he cried if I had my way.

As surgical as Nikki might be bigger tits, bigger ass, better Bella – not that their faces are aging well, though.  Also I want Alicia Fox to be a savage psychotic bitch in bed on me and film nasty dirty interracial.  Can I say “savage?” Or is that officially a racist word now?  Alicia jumps Nikki before her arm is tied behind her back and it ends in sort of a no contest or a “nobody cares.”  My penis doesn’t even care about this.  The crowd is pretty much quiet.

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Anthony Cumia’s favorite wrestler (no not Rusev) Putin.JPG comes out here and Lana doesn’t even try to cut a good promo. She just directs us to stare at Putin in all his dick-nose glory.  Rusev is fighting RVD who actually isn’t black, he just smells it because he smokes pot.

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The most important part of any of this is Zeb Colter calling Rusev a “commie” and demanding he fight Jack Swagger at Battleground.  Rusev kills RVD and sets Legalization back 75 years in the process.  REMATCH FROM SMACKDOWN IS NEXT.  Nobody even reacts to Orton.

Terry Bogard from Fatal Fury is back in the All-New King of Fighters 2157 WHICH STILL LOOKS LIKE King of Fighters '94!

Terry Bogard from Fatal Fury is back in the All-New King of Fighters 2157 WHICH STILL LOOKS LIKE King of Fighters '94!

Ambrose is out here and the crowd STILL isn’t moving which is a bad sign when someone who is so over everywhere else doesn’t get a reaction.  It could be that his entrance theme sounds like some retarded child made it on Mario Paint while bored.  I admit to not watching and not caring, because I don’t. I am not a little girl with a wet pussy.  Orton won.  This was followed with an interview with John Cena.  I’m missing Under the Dome for this shit?  Why?

I'm here to show the world... what a loser I am.

I'm here to show the world... what a loser I am.

Fandango and Dolph Ziggler are feuding. In other news my piss is especially yellow today.  Also Ziggler is fighting Alberto Del Rio-lly rio-lly doesn’t want to be here. Fandango is doing guest commentary (which sounds more like phone sex).  And I don’t care.  Last week’s RAW was so solid.  What happened?

Despite the fact this has a recipe for awful, Fandango decides to “cut in” by dancing on the announce table, leading to Del Rio kicking Dolph Ziggler’s head in for the 1000th time.  The side of Dolph’s head is permanently shaped like Del Rio’s foot.

Oh lord, Stardust.  How is this the best thing going on RAW right now?  Cody Rhodes is a genius.  He somehow turns being a creepy gimp homo in makeup into the greatest gimmick ever.  Goldust says nobody is more bizarre than Goldust & Stardust.  They’re still teasing their tag team name which only they can see written inside the stars.  Meanwhile Layla is calling Fandango “BAE” on television and the English language has officially died out.  Layla turns into the default clingy bitch saying she would fall apart if Fandango still wanted Summer Rae.  Summer walks by unbeknownst to Layla and eyefux the bejesus out of Fandango and it is reciprocated.  This can only end in a threesome.

I wonder who is going to inherit Lawler's collection of ugly shirts when he dies and stays dead.

I wonder who is going to inherit Lawler's collection of ugly shirts when he dies and stays dead.

Jerry Lawler pretty much apologizes to Montreal for dying. He should apologize to us for still being alive and doing half-ass commentary.  He wants to bring out Bret Hart because the day Lawler died and came back like Jesus was supposed to be a tribute day to both Bret Hart and Pat Patterson.

This automatically has become a channel changer.

This automatically has become a channel changer.

The real Bret cuts a promo that sounds kind of dull and pointless only to be interrupted by Damien Sandow.  You know your career is doomed when you become a poor person’s Charlie Haas.  His career itself at this point is as dead as Charlie’s brother, Russ Haas.  Bret punches Sandow in the face.  Is this over yet?  To add to this crap, Sheamus comes out to wrestle Sandow.  I… this was a mistake. 

I wonder if the Miz stole those sunglasses from the Big Boss Man's grave.

I wonder if the Miz stole those sunglasses from the Big Boss Man's grave.

After Sheamus anhilates Sandow, we get a Miz promo, proving the WWE hates us.  The Miz reads his fan mail where someone says that they were so happy The Miz came back but Chris Jericho ruined his return.  The Miz says his face is the “money maker” and that if something happened to his face the fans would lose everything.  Something happened to The Miz’s face when he was born. It’s called looking like a goddamn frog.

Jericho has a decent match with Miz, because Jericho can have a decent match with anyone.  Miz bores me while Cole and JBL try to figure out how many times they can say “The Marine 4” in a single match.  Jericho puts Miz away with the Walls of Jericho and DEA- happens after the match.

Bray Wyatt appears in his rocking chair cutting a promo asking how Jericho expects to save us when he cannot even save himself.  Bray says Jericho’s words cannot protect him from the Wyatts.  Bray says that actions speak much louder than words – which means apparently he doesn’t read the Internet where words are the worst thing you can do to someone.  Bray says he will hold every word against Jericho and never E-E-E-EVER let him forget it.  Bray says the people he used to call Jerichoholics sing a different tune now because they… WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?  Jericho now retorts and says he actually agrees with what Bray is saying – actions speak louder than words and he says he’s going to come up the ramp, knock Bray Wyatt out of the rocking chair and beat his ass. One DEA- later, a wild Harper and Rowan have appeared. 

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The Funkdactyls are already in the ring which means I don’t get to stare at their ass-to-ass entrance.  They are taking on AJ Lee and Paige who are tagging.  If you’re keeping score, AJ turned face, defeated Paige, and took her title back.   AJ looks like she’s been cooking too long in a deep fryer.  She has also lost weight when she wasn’t fat to begin with.  I blame CM Punk, OH EXCUSE ME, Phillip Jack Brooks, Walking Dead Enthusiast.  Now AJ looks like the dead.  Cameron is not tagging Naomi and Naomi almost gets rolled up as a result.  After Naomi gets her ass kicked, Cameron FINALLY tags herself in and immediately is hit with the Paige Turner, giving Paig-Jay the win. Cameron and Naomi beat each other up after the match and I begin yelling WORLD STAR at the television.  I hope SHARKEISHA is the special referee when these two fight.  They look like two hungry hoes fighting over the last chicken nugget at McDonalds.  I feel like tagging #StopLightSkinGirls2014 at Cameron.

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Cesaro mocks the Montreal crowd in French because he’s a heel who speaks five languages. He’s fighting Kofi Kingston.  I’d rather watch Cameron and Naomi fight over their baby daddy some more.  Kofi should be exciting yet he’s boring because he won’t reinvent himself.  Cesaro is doing the same thing every week and instead of catching on I feel like it is losing steam.

THREE AIN'T ENOUGH MAN I NEED FIVE... is what women who aren't collecting enough on welfare say when they need two more illegitimate kids to get their total up.

THREE AIN'T ENOUGH MAN I NEED FIVE... is what women who aren't collecting enough on welfare say when they need two more illegitimate kids to get their total up.

Kofi rolls up Cesaro and wins.  Nobody cares.  Big E protects Kofi and a new affirmative action tag team is born. “They Aren’t People,” the team.

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Rubber Suit Rollins and John Cena exchange words.  At this point I just want this whole show to end.  Cena cuts a respect promo on Seth Rollins. Why bother?  Just show him a video of Damien Sandow’s 2013 cash-in followed by a still photo of whatever-horrible-gimmick-Sandow-has-this-week and tell Seth “that’s what happens when you cash in on me.”

Despite this being a rematch from Smackdown I find it hilarious as Bo Dallas told El Torrito if he just BOLIEVES he can grow taller.  Torrito then got body-slammed for trying to stick his horn up Bo’s ass.  It turns out this is not a rematch but Bo vs. the Bull.  Bo quickly puts Torrito away with the Bo-Dog.  

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Bo does his victory lap and runs over Torrito one more time while doing so.  I laugh uncontrollably.  Bo is so awful that he is great.

C3PO is here with all his gold plating.

BRING OUT THE GIMP!!!  This match is sort of just there until the point Cena starts going into Five Moves of Doom mode.  Cena gets dropped by Kane, Orton and Rollins but Reigns comes out to make the save for Cena.  Kane gets dropped with the Superman Punch and Orton as well.  Rollins clocks his former partner with the briefcase.  He hits Cena as well and realizes he has a cash-in chance, which we KNOW is going to be spoiled by Ambrose before that can happen.  The referee rushes to the ring and Rollins is about to cash that in.  Ambrose rushes from the crowd and knocks Rollins to the mat as soon as he does.  Ambrose clears the ring, clotheslining Rollins to the outside and beating him up the ramp.  I really like the dynamic between these two which I admit is probably the best thing going on RAW right now.  Orton begins stalking John Cena but Cena gets a second win and hits the FU (I’ll never call it an AA) on Orton.  Reigns spears Kane, preventing Cena from getting chokeslammed. 

Reigns raises Cena’s arm and Cena looks concerned and confused as Reigns smiles at him for a moment.  The two have a stare down and the crowd seems to want Cena’s head on a stick.  Instead he raises Roman’s arm. And the two continue to stare at each other.  The crowd does not approve of this bromance and frankly neither do I.  I’m glad this is over because I feel dirty and disgusting having watched it.  It’s like seeing 2 girls 1 cup only it lasts for three hours.  A lackluster, and unmemorable Monday Night RAW.  The highlight was Bo Dallas killing a midget.  That should tell you everything you really need to know and in saying that I probably could have avoided wasting my time writing this recap and just wrote that one sentence.  Now if you’ll excuse me better things to do await until next week when I do this all again.