One of the greatest things about the Internet is the fact you can find just about anything. This is also one of the worst things about the Internet. As a wrestling fan who happens to have spent almost 15 years writing articles on both wrestling and various other topics, I was sure I’d seen it all: I’ve seen Former WWE Diva Chyna Porn, I’ve played Animal Crossing as Adolf Hitler, gone on a date with a videogame woman in an attempt to bed her, and I’ve even BEEN a woman on PlentyOfFish just to see how the other half lives.
Nothing however could prepare me for the surreal discovery brought to my attention the other day:
Someone is making really shitty music and pretending to be TNA commentator Mike Tenay while doing it. This is above and beyond quite possibly the weirdest thing I have seen all year. Forget Goatse.cx. Forget TubGirl. Forget Lemonparty. All of that pales in comparison to how disturbed I felt when I had to see this terrifying up-close photo of a happy, smiling Mike Tenay while a page promoted me an album called “Jacuzzi,” which is a music genre called “Vaporware” which is sort of a mix of elevator music, porn music, various weird sound effects you hear in songs, and some sort of commentary on the tunes of the ‘80s & ‘90s, that comes off as really awful and weird but gradually infects you until it gets terminally stuck in your brain.
I’d like to suspend disbelief here and believe the ACTUAL Mike Tenay is responsible for all of this. For those who do not know who “the professor” Mike Tenay is, he is a wrestling commentator who sort of resembles Robert Duvall without a mustache, who has worked for both WCW and TNA. He’s not a bad commentator nor is he a great commentator; he’s always been a guy who is “just there.” Until this creepy photo of him surfaced I don’t think I’ve ever seen the guy smile. If you worked for TNA, would you?
With news and rumors these days regarding TNA going out of business, a part of my mind wants to believe this is legitimately Mike Tenay trying to find some sort of other business venture in the event TNA wrestling closes down. I’d like to think that this commentator who isn’t bad and isn’t good and just doesn’t really stand out has a secret life of weird catchy infectious tunes.
…and if it’s not Mike Tenay, I certainly hope someone on the creative team at TNA catches wind of this and somehow makes it his gimmick. Here’s how it made some AH Walker, occasional Asked contributor, feel:
I’m now going to review every track of the Jacuzzi album along with how they make me feel. This is going to be a journey through some really, really strange music, so be warned you may never be the same after this. I assume it's like surviving the traps in the Saw movies, only the damage you endure isn't physical at all and 100% psychological. We should use this on people who commit war crimes. Prepare your anus.
Track 1: Jacuzzi Love
Jacuzzi Love is the first track on this journey into the demented disturbing mind of Mike Tenay. Listen to that smooth tone and the xylophones. I feel so subdued and relaxed when I hear it. I feel like removing my pants and simply letting it all hang out while chilling on a beach on a breezy day. I'm not sure what this music really is. I feel like a confused Jewish kid in some rich person's house.
Track 2: Rollerbabe
This song makes me want to fuck Madonna in the ass. Not present-day old-and-used-up Madonna, but 1980s not-old-but-still-kinda-used-up Madonna. It’s a song that makes me want a casual blowjob inside a phone booth. I haven’t actually felt a woman’s lips on my dick since the Obama administration began. I’m going to cry now. Thanks, Rollerbabe.
Track 3: Miami Beach
This song starts with the sound of some seagulls and then goes into some music that sounds like it’s pulled straight from pornographic films from 1987. Some indecipherable lyrics begin that sound like Isaac Hayes is trying to sing to us from the inside of a toilet bowl in the Nth Level of Hell. I at this point realize the truth:
Mike Tenay is the Devil and all our souls belong to him. Also he wants us to know Bellator MMA is on SpikeTV once Impact goes off the air. BELLATOR. This song is probably why Florida Men do stupid shit in the news all the time.
Track 4: Slow and Easy
Slow and Easy sounds like some background music during a touching scene in a Super NES RPG or an anime between two characters that have reluctant love… until we hear something that sounds like one of the adults from Charlie Brown singing more indecipherable lyrics.
I wonder if Nintendo knows Animal Crossing’s K.K. Slider conspires with Tenay to make really weird music on the side. This song makes me contemplate killing myself and I’ve never been suicidal a day in my life.
Track 5: Top Squeeze
Top Squeeze has a black man singing “dying for your love” with some music that sounds like you’d be on hold with it for 45 minutes while the guy at the cable company sits there rubbing his nipples 100% sure he cannot help you with your problem. As the song progresses the black man becomes more indecipherable and distorted like perhaps he was eating dinner while this song was being recorded and is singing with his mouth full.
This song reminds me of the time Bobby Lashley fed Simon Dean cheeseburgers.
Track 6: Pink Flamingo
Is there any OTHER kind of flamingo? I’m too lazy to find out. This song sort of reminds me of Rain Man and I don’t even know why. I just feel like I have to watch Jeopardy or slap myself in the head repeatedly until it goes away. Once it kicks in good I contemplate masturbating until I realize that Mike Tenay is probably watching me masturbate in the dark.
He wants me to know Bellator has a big event coming on after Impact ends here on SpikeTV tonight... And it’s not even Thursday yet. The song kicks into high gear and I wonder if I just beat Final Fight in the Arcades.
Cody had the dopest jeans in video game history.
Track 7: Swimming with Dolphins
This song sounds like it was recorded in a sewer, and because of its aquatic tone and a few sounds that may or may not be actual dolphins (they may be the sounds of people being sodomized by Mike Tenay against their will), it is named Swimming with Dolphins. I’m pretty sure that if you play this song backwards it’s considered a terroristic threat and you are arrested immediately. The occasional plopping sound makes me want to take a dump.
Track 8: Flow Money
Possibly the favorite track of JasonRivera.com Forum member Gideon.
And here is somebody eating a baby. You’re welcome. As for the song? Flow Money! Flow Money! Flow Money! Flow Money! Flow Money! Flow Money! Then a woman starts singing and ruins the whole thing. They should have just had it say “Flow Money” for the entire 2 minute and 50 second length. I would’ve been cool with just that but Gideon would have killed himself.
Track 9: Bubble Butt
Art imitates life here as this is my favorite track yet, just like my love of women with big asses. I love this track because it sounds like something out of a King of Fighters SNK videogame and or that really weird Marvel vs. Capcom 2 soundtrack. It makes me want to play as Terry Bogard and Power Dunk people.
King of Fighters was dope.
Oddly enough the song fades out midway through only to fade back in. I assume this is what the music would sound like if a big assed woman were muffling my head by sitting on my face.
It’s been way too long since a woman sat on my face. Thanks for depressing me again, Mike Tenay. Much like you do with your commentary on Impact every week.
Track 10: So Many Girls
This song sounds like Created Diva 3 in one of the WWE video games. It also reminds me of Poison from Final Fight/Street Fighter, who is hot until you realize she’s a transsexual.
That ruined it. I bet this is Mike Tenay’s ringtone. The random black guy who sounds like Chef from South Park is back again and wails faintly in the background. I feel like he’s a poltergeist warning me not to go any further lest the Tenay-liens take me away and anal probe me.
Well… that’s the end of this bizarre journey into… WHAT? THERE’S A DIAMOND EDITION OF THE MIKE TENAY ALBUM WITH SIX MORE TRACKS? And you have to pay $1.70 USD to get it? I don’t know if I’m ready. Are you ready, AH Walker?
TEN MINUTES LATER...
It was a $1.70 well spent. Since we’re suspending disbelief here I want to believe my $1.70 keeps Mike Tenay off the streets since TNA is probably selling their six sided ring on Craigslist for $100.00 at this point.
You too can help pay for “not really Mike Tenay” to have food, clothing and a plce to live by buying this album on http://dreamcatalogue.bandcamp.com/album/jacuzzi-diamond-edition - now for MORE weird music that confuses the brain!
Track 11: Let's Dance
Our first bonus track makes me feel like I’m doing cocaine in the bathroom with Patrick Bateman in the 1980s. Our first bonus track makes me feel like I’m curb-stomping the homeless with Patrick Bateman. Our first bonus track makes me feel like I’m killing hookers with Patrick Bateman. You… get the point. There’s random auto-tune in this but even I, a man who never dances, am compelled to dance.
Also Mike Tenay wants you to know BELLATOR IS ON IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING IMPACT ON SPIKE!
Track 12: Lick U
There aren’t many things I can think of on earth worse than the prospect of Mike Tenay licking me while talking to me passionately about Bellator. Something that sounds like an Auto-Tuned frog begins saying something about UP AND DOWN and UP AND DOWN. I’m horribly disgusted by this. I haven’t been this disgusted since Tyler Breeze of WWE NXT started singing his own entrance music.
This might be the only thing gayer than Mike Tenay’s music.
Track 13: Babe from Beijing
With a very orient-inspired tune, I think Babe from Beijing is the touching story of the time that Tenay and Taz ordered hookers from the People’s Republic of China. There’s also someone randomly… being Chinese in the song in the background. I suddenly have the urge to eat my cat.
2 minutes later my cat is still alive. Only because she’s faster than me and I’ve had a few drinks. Shit. This song also got “gookier” about every 15 seconds. I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I just listened to, and why it gave me a semi.
Track 14: In the Mix
What exactly are we mixing? This music makes me once again feel like I am in a video game, fighting tons of thugs… Then I hear the obnoxious DJ horns and realize that this may well be an unreleased track that is intended to be the BroMan’s TNA entrance theme. This song only gives me a mild headache as opposed to the BroMan’s ACTUAL entrance theme in TNA which gives me a MASSIVE headache (and is so bad that anyone that hears it turns the TV off making it the sole reason TNA probably has low ratings).
I still don’t know what the fuck we are mixing.
Track 15: Destiny
It’s another track that sounds like it came from King of Fighters. This makes me want to motorboat the entire King of Fighters Women’s Team’s tits, if they were real anyway, which they are not. Mai can get it first, then Yuri, and then King. I’m further proven this is secretly an SNK Playmore track by the fact that someone begins saying something randomly in Japanese over and over and over again about 2 minutes and 15 seconds into the song.
…I was a beast with the Women’s Team in King of Fighters.
Track 16: We Are Alone
The final track on this journey through mental Re-Tenay-tion is a track entitled “We Are Alone.” Well maybe the reason you’re alone is this fucking music scared everyone else away! Ever think of that? This one might be the only one with lyrics I understand:
“Girl it’s been so long since we’ve been together,
You look so fine.
So let’s let the night take us to the Heavens,
One kiss at a time.
Don’t you know that we are alone?
Just you and me baby.
We are alone.
You’re driving me crazy.
We are alone, so baby be mine!”
I’d like to think that secretly Tenay has been hiding his 1990s boy band voice for us for the past 20-somewhat years and is secretly responsible for NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and Boys II Men.
“Girl you never know just how much I miss you,
And how much this means.
Don’t you know what every single time I kiss you,
Feels like a dream?”
On second thought I don’t think this song is about a romantic night alone, but about a successful date rape where nobody can stop the assailant. With this track my suffering is at an end, but I want to inflict my pain on as many people as possible so be sure to spend $1.70 and give this to your friends and loved ones for their birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or any other special occasion you can find. There is nothing as wonderfully painful as “the (alleged) musical stylings of The Professor Mike Tenay.”
And I guess if his foray into music after his TNA career ends doesn’t work out he can always go to business selling Pleasure Thrones with his broadcast colleague Taz.
Both careers have about the same level of dignity associated with them. Now if you'll excuse me I have the sudden urge to wear a Members Only jacket in public and to play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.