Recap: WWE Monday Night Raw is Riv (July 28, 2014)

Another Monday, another RAW. Ho-hum. I’m not even feelin’ it tonight.  Can’t we just get rid of WWE’s television deal too?  Is Under the Dome on yet? Can I review that instead? Can I give up on wrestling like CM Punk did and become a “Walking Dead Enthusiast?”

Speaking of CM Punk, am I the only one that noticed the guy finally looks like he showers regularly since he quit wrestling?  But enough of that; if I make too many comments like that someone on the Internet is bound to get butt-hurt!  They always do though, and I continue to not give a damn.

Go away, Mark Harmon!

Go away, Mark Harmon!

Old people on NCIS.  This is a far cry from how it usually ends with hot chicks – at least the other NCIS show does.  I disapprove.  I don’t like men, let alone nasty old Lemonparty looking men.  If you don’t know what a Lemonparty is, I’m not going to tell you; go use UrbanDictionary.

This feels like a contest to see who can teach who how to suck dick.

This feels like a contest to see who can teach who how to suck dick.

Recaps from last week’s RAW show Stephanie McMahon verbally abuse Brie Bella in the audience.  Nobody cares enough about this for it to have a recap video so why are they doing this to us?  They transition from this stupid drama into HHH unveiling Brock Lesnar as John Cena’s championship opponent at Summerslam.

At least neither of the belts spins.

At least neither of the belts spins.

RAW starts off with John Cena.  So much for the WWE retiring the World Heavyweight Championship.  See what happens when you trust the dirt sheets?  Keep in mind, that sometimes the sheets are bored lonely fat kids in the Midwest who make shit up to get attention because they’re not allowed within fifty feet of a woman.  No source, no deal. Journalism, everyone.  But I digress. 

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Look at these three douchebags we call a commentary team.  They talk about how John Cena is in trouble.  Well, duh.  John doesn’t look happy about knowing his opponent is Brock Lesnar.  He flat-out says it’s the one thing he never wanted to happen.  John puts it over like Brock Lesnar single-handedly created the Holocaust and like he’s a hired murderer and that nobody can control or stop him and while 40-something men have won the WWE championship, only 1 man has defeated the streak.  He says even Heyman cannot control or stop Brock Lesnar and if Lesnar wins he doesn’t know what that will mean for the titles.

Heyman’s neckless Jew ass comes out here to introduce himself.  He then adds that his client will conquer John Cena.  He also says that Cena will be victimized at Summerslam and if he doesn’t believe it’s going to happen, ask the Undertaker, only that you can’t because the Undertaker has never been seen again since losing.  He adds that Cena is passionate about his fans but Brock is passionate about hurting people.  Cena begins screaming and yelling about passion, rambles about ECW, and says he’s walking out of Summerslam as a champion.

It started on GRINDR.

It started on GRINDR.

Cesaro comes out here and Paul Heyman is confused seeing as Cesaro is no longer managed by him.  Cesaro says that he may not be Heyman’s client but he is his friend and will not allow him to be disrespected because Cesaro is a wrestler, and John Cena is a walking billboard in K-Mart sneakers.  He says you can’t wrestle in sneakers; oh, that’s right – you can’t wrestle.  Love it.  Cesaro is fucking brilliant.  Why did we take Heyman away from him again?

Cesaro vs. Cena is next.  I enjoy what they’re doing right this second with Cesaro.  He needs to be put in this tier of Superstar; not losing to Kofi every week in pointless throwaways.  Give it to Cena to cell for Cesaro’s offense.  Often Cena makes himself look like an invincible annoying pain in the ass, but it’s important that even if Cesaro doesn’t win this he looks powerful and dangerous.    Cena wins after a lengthy match that made Cesaro look more impressive than he already is and took a 2nd rope FU/Attitude Adjustment/CenaWinsFiremansCarry to put Cesaro away.

Up next, more Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon.  Aren’t you excited?  Me neither.  I’d rather sit in Magic Johnson’s lap with no pants on either of us and risk AIDS.  Randy Orton interrupts Stephanie telling HHH about her dirty sexual experiences in prison from being arrested last week and HHH explains that as long as Roman Reigns is around, Randy Orton gets no title shots because Reigns will not allow Orton to do that.  Orton says he’ll do it tonight if it means he gets his title shots back.  Orton says he has a problem with Reigns, and he has a problem with Kane (who Reigns is wrestling tonight) and since HHH won’t give Orton what he wants he has a problem with HHH as well.  He storms off to cry like a bitch, or shit in a gym bag, or smoke some weed, or go AWOL or whatever it is Randy Orton does.

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Paige skips her way to the ring in mockery of AJ Lee.  Paige says she is young emotional and overreacted but she promises she will never ever act that way again.  This leads AJ Lee to come out here. 

Did AJ's Ass walk out on the WWE and stay at home in Chicago too?

Did AJ's Ass walk out on the WWE and stay at home in Chicago too?

I wish I could care about AJ but her lack of ass these days, continued weight loss, and the fact she doesn’t even let fans touch her in photos now all seem to make me less interested in AJ. What happened?  AJ claims not to play “little girl” games – isn’t she the DEFINITION of “little girl games?”  I mean she was hoeing with CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Kane simultaneously.  Then she went from hoeing with Cena and Ziggler (and to an extent Big E and Tamina).  Paige calls AJ Lee crazy which offends her.  AJ hasn’t done anything crazy in ages other than acquiring an eating disorder.  She Thesz Presses Paige and they begin fighting outside the ring.  Nope.  Still not crazy.  This is WWE and this is normal here.

HHH and Stephanie are out here to talk to Brie Bella.  Since I don’t give a remote shit about this I decide to check on my laundry, get something to drink, and debate watching pornography until everyone stops talking since I haven’t jerked off lately – no, seriously.  That would still be more productive at this point than listening to the Authority speak.  We shit on Dixie Carter for being an overly-exposed annoying on-air management character; well then what are Hunter and Stephanie?  I kind of wish all “management” characters in all companies would just fuck off to be honest.  It’s the stalest character in wrestling and it has been a mainstay ever since McMahon and Bischoff became on-airs in WWF and WCW respectively.

I come back when Chris Jericho appears because unlike HHH and Stephanie wasting our time every week, Jericho can make this better.  He says he felt bad for Stephanie last week and he’s out here to cheer her up with a song.  He sings the theme from COPS and the crowd digs it, but HHH does not.  Jericho then makes the “Orange Is the New Black” joke I made last week.  Great minds think alike.  He transitions to a WWE Network joke claiming that because of the Network we can watch her get arrested over and over and over and over and over and… HHH isn’t in the mood.  I guess because it makes Stephanie look like Nailz to him to think of her in a prison jumpsuit.  Jericho has one more thing to say and asks why HHH didn’t leave the second Stephanie was arrested last week and hits his trademark “trashbag hoe” rant on Stephanie saying HHH has finally realized that.  Hunter wants Jericho to stop focusing on the McMahons and start focusing on Bray Wyatt.  Jericho demands Bray tonight and HHH says Y2J has to wait until Summerslam.  As for tonight…

…Jericho gets blindsided by Seth Rollins. And holy shit that’s going to be a good match.  Oh… and apparently while I was doing ANYTHING but listening to these people they did not talk to Brie Bella yet meaning we get MORE STEPHANIE ON THE MIC later. Stephanie McMahon is like Your Mom’s Meatloaf.  At first you’re really excited for it… unless you’re eating it EVERY FUCKING DAY, then you just want her to get lost.

What do you get when you combine Mike Mizanin and Johnny Cage?  You get Johnny Gay.  Miz is teaming with Rybaxel.  That’s like mixing alcohol and pills.  The opposing team is Dolph “You Wish You Were Concussed” Ziggler, and the “getting really boring as tag champions” Usos.  I need more caffeine to stay awake during this.

Dolph and the Usos win.  I also won by not giving a damn. Apparently while I ignored it, Xavier Woods, Big E, and Kofi Kingston looked on.  Well I guess missing that segment makes me a racist and it’s time to invest in a white hood. 

Unfortunately I come back just in time to watch R-Truth roll up and DEFEAT Bo Dallas, ending his streak.  Fuck this company.

Bo cuts an “it’s okay” promo only to beat R-Truth in the head with the microphone and beat him up in the corner.  Does this count as a hate crime?  A “WE BOLIEVE” chant starts. I feel like Blake, Asked contributor, lover of Bo, and hater of the “colored fellows” booked this himself, seeing as it’s in his hometown of Houston.

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I’m glad Bo stood his ground.

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Rusev and Lana came to the wrong state to hate America.  Texas is rowdy. They might get shot.  I’m actually surprised they have not been shot yet, in fact.  Lana mocks the American Flag (which I assume is to set up the Flag Match between Rusev and Swagger).

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Since it’s Texas, they bash not just Obama but Bush.  I’m glad they bashed a Republican solely because Republicans match Zeb’s views better and it makes more sense for him to get offended at mocking Bush than mocking Obama.

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Also now that Zeb and Jack Swagger are face they’ve traded the DON’T TREAD ON ME FLAG for the American Flag.  Zeb talks about America and what the flag and America represents including Thanksgiving and Football.  A father and son fishing, a mother and daughter learning to cook together, pick-up trucks and beer.  I can’t wait for some angry feminist cunt to accuse Zeb of misogyny for the mother/daughter/cooking comment.  After Swagger and Rusev are done talking Swagger rushes the ring and cuts Rusev off and begins beating on him.  Rusev responds by slamming Swagger repeatedly into the barricade.  The crowd chants USA while Rusev gives chase to Swagger.  Lana signals for Rusev to use the Accolade on Swagger but Swagger counters, and goes for the Patriot Lock.  Rusev escapes but gets kicked in the face and then knocked off the apron.  The crowd is loving it. 

Why, Sandow, why?  Space Sandow is fighting Adam Rose and calling him an imbecile, meanwhile he looks like he belongs with them. 

Rose calls Sandow a sad sour little spaceman and tells him to stop being a lemon and to be a ROSEBUD. Rose squashes Sandow like he’s crap and celebrates.  After this waste of time we get Reigns vs. Kane and as much as people are not going to agree with this, Kane has become KRAP with all capitals and spelled with a K.  I like Kane, usually.  Nothing he’s doing now is remotely entertaining or interesting.  He’s become TNA’s Abyss – the problem with that?  Abyss is Kane but boring.  So being a boring Kane in the WWE when you’re Kane is like… double boring.  As Reigns makes his way to the ring Orton runs interference and attacks Reigns in the crowd.  I like Reigns but Orton in “Boreton” mode and Kane in “creative’s got nothing for me” mode is souring all of this.  Reigns manages to superman punch Orton but gets chokeslammed by Kane.  Kane glances at Orton and leaves, to even Orton’s surprise.  Orton beats up Reigns for about five minutes and RKOs him through the commentary table.  Still nobody reacts all that much.  Orton tells Roman this is what happens when you take what is precious to him away in his best Gollum impersonation and we hit some commercials.

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“Dances With No One” is out here.

I bet they’re having sex with the midget and not Diego just to spite Fandango further.  These women are STALKING Fandango.  He should consider formal charges… or bringing back the chloroform. Fandango is distracted by Torito and the women and loses to Diego.  This would be a wonderful night for Puerto Rico and the World if Diego had been allowed to be Puerto Rican instead of turned into a Mexican with no explanation.

Poor Fandango. If Layla is a bullfighter I want to be a bull so I can ram my horn up her ass, and I don’t mean the ones on my head.  JBL claims they molested El Torito so add that to their list of charges along with stalking poor Fandango.

Stephanie McMahon and Nikki Bella exchange words backstage (and breast implant surgeon statistics). 

#BOOTYHADMELIKE

#BOOTYHADMELIKE

Stardust and Goldust talk about wacky things like Cosmic Keys and they say “THEY have it.”  I hope by THEY they mean the Guardians of the Galaxy and this leads to Goldust & Stardust vs. Draxtista.  One can hope.

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Meanwhile Natalya and Naomi are taking on Alicia and Cameron.  The commentators remind us Cameron attacked Naomi from behind – that’s what every red blooded male wants to do to Naomi and that big ass of hers. 

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Naomi makes Cameron tap out – EROTICALLY I might add.  I get a semi. I want to star in Dogfart Productions interracial porn with all three black WWE Divas.

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It’s time to get to business. Jericho vs. Rollins should be impressive to say the least. As much as I want to enjoy this match a part of me cannot because I KNOW that it will be interrupted with DEA-, Harper, Rowan, Bray, a beatdown, the really cool entrance music, and a fat man yelling FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS.

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Seth Rollins on his own as a heel gets a little bit better every time he’s out here.  He’s really establishing himself as an asshole bad guy well, and unlike Orton he’s very entertaining at it right now.  I feel like he’s the hood ornament of the Authority now and it works just fine.  Predictably after a great match that is ABOUT to end in the Codebreaker –DEA- causes Rollins to vanish and the Wyatts to appear.  And I sigh.  It’s too predictable and cookie cutter and expected.  The Wyatt beatdown is getting excessive and pointless.

Jericho vs. The Wyatt’s Own Jannetty does not sound near as thrilling as fighting a Luke Harper or a Seth Rollins, or anyone.  Rowan just… is lacking something.  I don’t know what that is.  The main event is next and by “main event” I mean Stephanie talking to Brie.  Stephanie is Dixie Cartering by being on my television too much with recaps of what she is doing, multiple backstage segments, coming out here earlier to do nothing (although I guess watching Jericho mock her is great) and now main eventing the show with an apology angle that will likely end in a Nikki Bella heel turn that will make us all facepalm.

AJ Lee isn't the only one who lost her ass.  Those jeans do Stephanie zero favors.

AJ Lee isn't the only one who lost her ass.  Those jeans do Stephanie zero favors.

Brie interrupts Stephanie whining and crying about jail – I was hoping Emma would come out and tell Stephanie she sympathizes about “dat hard jail life.”  Brie’s music plays – if she’s a “normal citizen” why is that happening?  Brie essentially calls Stephanie a spoiled bitch and Stephanie begs Brie to drop the charges.  This will predictably lead to Brie being reinstated.  Brie tells Stephanie “You deserve to go to HELL!”  She loves her fake acting and saying HELL.

Brie says that she has a list of demands.  Brie wants her job back.  Steph tries to say she only needs one Bella but Brie responds with “see you in court.”  Stephanie says that it’s a done deal then and Brie is rehired.  Brie says there is one more thing she wants – a match at Summerslam… with Stephanie.  Stephanie keeps playing reluctant and crying and claiming she is not an in-ring competitor and has not been in over 10 years (glossing over her “victory” over Vickie, which counts as a victory for Stephanie despite her not being dressed to compete).  Stephanie pretends to be broken by having to accept this but then uses the opportunity to blindside Brie and tell her she’s going to make her her bitch.  Brie gets back up and the two begin fighting.  Mercury, Noble, and Finlaydick.JPG try to break this up.  When they aren’t enough Triple H makes it out here.

MY NAME IS FINLAY AND I LOVE TO DICK.JPG!

MY NAME IS FINLAY AND I LOVE TO DICK.JPG!

This ends with the two women being ready to kill each other.  So the story of tonight as a very Diva-oriented RAW which probably means TOTAL DIVAS season is upon us and WWE wants to get that female demographic up.  We have AJ/Paige, Naomi/Cameron and Stephanie/Brie while also having Layla and Summer Rae continue tormenting Fandango.  I don’t mind the influx of women but I definitely feel that we need less Stephanie, not more of it.  Hopefully this doesn’t lead to a Diva-Overdose as while it’s good to have women’s feuds they should probably use Smackdown more efficiently and balance it out better that way as well – of course Smackdown will just be rehash-RAW again which is why I stopped recapping that crap entirely. 

Well at least that’s over.  I can now continue doing other, more important things in my life… Where did I put those porn bookmarks?