Recap: WWE NXT is Riv (July 24th, 2014)

I would apologize for this NXT recap being later than normal, but that goes against my “never apologize for anything” policy.  Besides, I have a life. And it’s hard to find the time to watch wrestling often when you have one.  That’s not me being a dick or insulting any of you out there who live, breathe, eat, and sleep wrestling. It’s just true that if you’re out in the world with lots of bills and lots of responsibilities you seldom have the time to dedicate to projects.  Of course, you can throw me a few bucks via PayPal to help out – I’d much rather have less of a life to have more time to write about NXT.

…not really; I’d probably just masturbate a lot and play World of Warcraft (not at the same time, at least not until the new Blood Elf Female models are released).

I’m a sick man.  Anyway, it’s time to do the NXT thing that I do.  We’re shown highlights of NXT Takeover where Charlotte became the NXT Women’s Champion.  Ever since Charlotte won it she’s actually had to look more and more like a woman every day in order for WWE to not be sued for false advertising.  Tonight, Charlotte’s former BFF, Summer Rae challenges for the NXT Women’s Championship.  Summer Rae has also been successful, after filming the Marine 4, Total Divas, and dumping Poor Person’s Layla (Sasha Banks) for ACTUAL Layla.  I’m not sure who I’m supposed to cheer for here.  Is Summer Rae a face?  Is Charlotte a face?  And who gains custody of Sasha Banks?

Charlotte went from making my dick hide like a scared turtle to giving me a semi.

Charlotte went from making my dick hide like a scared turtle to giving me a semi.

We’ll find out tonight!  The NXT Intro airs.  Up next we are introduced to the By Default Tag Team Champions, the Ascension.

Jobbers haven't been this traumatized since Ryback's career began.

Jobbers haven't been this traumatized since Ryback's career began.

I feel like the Ascension’s 295 day title reign is less impactful when you realize they mostly fight jobbers, and that the last two credible teams they fought were Kalisto & El Local, and before that Too Cool.  To their credit it’s not their fault that NXT has had no tag teams for the majority of their reign but now that there are actual teams to face it will be interesting to see how much longer the “dominant reign” continues.

Bill DeMott paid the local Taco Bell in "developmental contracts" again.

Bill DeMott paid the local Taco Bell in "developmental contracts" again.

See?  This is what I’m talking about. They dug up a poor man’s TNA Bram (which is funny since Bram was formerly a part of the Ascension), and some random deflated Puerto Rican who looks like Los Matadores found him swimming at the bottom of their toilet one day and got the guy hooked up with an NXT tryout.  Fighting teams like this don’t make the Ascension impressive.  It just makes them bullies and we all know how the WWE feels about bullying:

Even the commentators refer to these guys as “Two Local Competitors.”  The one thing I get from these crappy matches is that the Ascension works very well as a team and they definitely have a good presence.  Konnor has been in developmental for damn near a decade on and off and so it’s about time they found the right fit for him.  Viktor is the last student of the Dungeon, and so it goes without saying he deserves a spot.  Ascension wipes their asses with these nobodies (who were NEVER given actual names by the NXT commentary team), and we move onto new business.


You know if Tyler Breeze doesn’t make it with this whole “being a wrestler” thing at least he can be an effective janitor with those two mops attached to his boots. 


Breeze apparently injured his fingers which leads me to believe Audrey Marie has teeth inside of her vagina.  Still he’s here tonight because the alternative to walking around like that is losing the momentum he has gained since he is the current number 1 contender for the NXT championship.  Renee Young claims the injury was caused by hand-modelling which is a dangerous career. 


As much as I joke about Tyler Breeze he may simultaneously have one of the greatest and one of the gayest gimmicks of all time being a bootleg version of Zoolander/Hansel.  And as many jokes as I make he gets to have his nose in Audrey’s butthole so I can’t hate on his game, I have to respect it.  Breeze is taking on the Absolute Worst Person on NXT, Mojo Rawley.

Much like Meth, Mojo Rawley: NOT. EVEN. ONCE.

Much like Meth, Mojo Rawley: NOT. EVEN. ONCE.

Seriously, when your only gimmick is “I’m on PCP but we call it HYPE,” it just doesn’t work for me.  Maybe if they were in a less PG era where they could legitimately make Mojo Rawley’s gimmick a guy who does way too much blow, this would be okay, but the “hype” thing just gets boring fast, as does the fact he’s simply annoying. 


I would rather watch somebody wrestle Mojo, the fat yellow blob from the X-Men comics than wrestle Mojo Rawley.  Rawley yells “OH YEAH, LET’S DO THIS!” and Tyler Breeze seems hesitant to lock up with him, claiming he is injured and shouldn’t have to do this.  Renee claims that Breeze’s injury is a hangnail as the two lock up.  Immediately Breeze his the Beauty Shot out of nowhere and takes Rawley out.  I hope the next time we see Mojo it’s in the unemployment line as he is released from contract.  I’m glad the “HYPE” NXT management had for this guy ran out.  He’s crap.  He’s more than crap, he’s horrible taco shits that burn your asshole and have a slight bit of blood in them.  He should change his Twittername to @NXTDiarrhea.

Once the NXT arena has been hosed down, deodorized and disinfected of the stench that is Mojo Rawley, we get our NXT Women’s Championship match between Charlotte and Summer Rae.


Alex Riley says that Summer gives you the feeling if she wants something she’s going to take it. Renee Young adds that Summer “takes it without any prisoners.”  I equate this to meaning Summer Rae takes a lot of penis. 


Charlotte has to have underwent some kind of surgery, like maybe a full sexual reassignment to go from looking like a creepy over-flexible transvestite at the start of her NXT career to an actual woman. She looks great coming, but not so much going because for some reason the only ass she’s got is the same ass her father has. Charlotte is in firm control in the early going, out-wrestling Summer Rae, as to be expected.  After a good long time of seeing Charlotte in firm control, Summer ends up in control, not so much with solid wrestling but strikes and kicks while yelling that she MADE Charlotte.  I believe the person who MADE Charlotte is Ric and one of his 600 ex-wives.  Unfortunately Summer locking her body around Charlotte multiple times and continuing to yell “I MADE YOU” is causing the crowd not to be into the match at all.  They’re not behind Charlotte and they are not behind Summer so they start a BORING chant, even though Summer starts returning the hurtin’ Charlotte put on her with a beautiful single leg crab.


Summer reaches for Charlotte’s head who counters by biting her.  And so the zombie apocalypse began.  The crowd still isn’t into any of this even though both women are working very solidly.  Charlotte eventually wins with her Snapmare out of nowhere to put an end to a match that the crowd really didn’t care about.

I feel like all the Vaudevillains are missing are a van and a big bag of candy….


…because here are the Trick Or Treaters.  Sin Cara is the new partner for Kalisto and I’m okay with that.  I like Sin Cara/Hunico and these two should gel really well.  Despite the fact it should be an exciting team the crowd just doesn’t seem into it.  I wonder if that means this is the 3rd or 4th set of NXT tapings for this series; the crowd gets tired and winded after a certain point. They really don’t seem to be into anything that is going on past the Ascension match in the opening stages of this program.  Sin Cara and Kalisto ultimately get a victory and the crowd wakes up slightly.


I don’t know why but thanks to all the “beating up black guys,” “Putin.JPGS” and the controversial “Malaysian Plane Crash promo,” Rusev and Lana crack me up.  This main event which nobody has bothered to discuss or advertise until right now, is up next. 

Adrian Neville, this happy little Orc fellow is just way too cheerful for someone who is going to fight Rusev the Slob. 

Why does it always feel like Putin is staring directly at Lana's ass?

Why does it always feel like Putin is staring directly at Lana's ass?

You knew Putin.JPG would make an appearance.  I’m waiting for the day accidental Putin nudes show up on the Titantron.


Rusev comes out with his stupid little fictionally-awarded award that looks like a gold star rewarded to him in Kindergarten for successfully completing naptime without waking up to tell us he is the SUPER ATHLETE and fight Neville.  Rusev dominates the majority of the match until Neville starts to mount a comeback which is ruined by Tyler Breeze running interference.  Breeze watches while everyone’s favorite Bulgarian slob destroys Neville, hoping that it means Neville is taken down a notch for their upcoming match.  NXT comes to a close and now it is time to say goodbye and do other things with my life until next time!