Sigh. I was having a good day, then I remembered RAW was on. This is the now-syndicated RAW Is RIV recap which you can find on SpanishAnnounceTable.net and WrestlingRambles.com as well as my own website, the home of the Asked podcast & my other various projects, ListenToThisShow.com
Last night’s Battleground was a filler Pay-Per-View where little of consequence happened other than the Miz becoming Intercontinental Champion. Cena retained, and there were no real surprises, just a decent Divas title match, a great Tag Team Title match, and DID I MENTION CENA RETAINED? People are angry about this but you should have expected this by now, and if you’re not multi-tasking during wrestling, you’re doing it wrong – this way you don’t feel like your time has been wasted whether you like the results or not.
HHH is out here, and you should have expected that too – you know, 15 minutes of TALKING to start off a WRESTLING program. HHH and his nose are going to announce the opponent for John Cena at Summerslam. I hope somebody new gets an opportunity. Diego of Los Matadores never gets any chances around here. Give it to that guy. HHH says nobody will look him in the eye. That’s because they cannot see past his nose. He is not happy that Cena retained and he says he’s going to tweet his displeasure – and he might even send an Instagram or a Vine. I love how he’s mocking the fans. He says he’s going to THREATEN and he is going to RIOT. HHH says he and his friend Mark are going to STOP WATCHING. He says he doesn’t have to fire everybody, all he has to do is relax and wait for things to go his way as they always do and he guarantees that at Summerslam he can guarantee Cena won’t be a champion. Before he can tell us who it is Randy Orton comes out here. HHH tells Orton he is the front runner but he has not made up his mind and that the entire roster will have the chance to convince and impress him. Orton puts the blame for him not having the title on Kane not doing what he was told by the Authority to do last night.
The Devil’s Favorite Demon, LaQuisha’s favorite Weave, Kane comes out here to try to intimidate his way to a title shot. He’s about as intimidating at this stage in his career as a retarded child with a propeller hat and a stick. Kane says he’s tired of babysitting. HHH really makes Kane watch his three annoying kids? Wow, maybe he does deserve it.
Roman Reigns isn’t intimidated by the Authority and makes his way to the ring and says if they’re going to have a conversation about the WWE World Heavyweight Championship his name belongs in it because nobody wants to see John Cena vs. Kane or Randy Orton again. He says what everybody wants to see is John Cena vs. Roman Reigns and immediately Superman Punches Kane. Orton slides away and leaves. HHH puts Roman in a match immediately with Kane & Randy Orton. I admit I am tired of Orton and Kane both to the point I’m sort of sleepy. My preliminary guess is Orton and Kane argue like a couple of idiots while Reigns capitalizes for a win that Michael Cole will tell us “SURELY MUST PUT REIGNS IN CONSIDERATION FOR THE TITLE MATCH AT SUMMERSLAM.”
If they’re setting up for Kane vs. Randy Orton at Summerslam at least we’ll have a bathroom break. Orton refuses to tag Kane which causes Kane to get Superman Punched and then hit with the Spear for the victory. Orton vs. Kane is going to be atrocious. It’s going to be like shoving an AIDS infected barbed mace up your ass.
Bray Wyatt will be a guest on the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho. Okay. I’m not sure that makes their promos any better or worse, really.
Also Stephanie is putting the entire heel half of the Divas roster against Nikki Bella to punish her for Brie Bella. Okay, this is getting pointless. Can’t you punish her for taking it up the ass from John Cena. The nameplate under the heel Divas should just read BITCHES when they come to the ring.
Nikki hugs Brie who is at ringside during the match, signaling Stephanie to come out to continue to berate and trash talk Brie for abandoning her sister in favor of her marriage to a B Plus in Daniel Bryan. Brie responds by telling Stephanie she is a “bitch,” and Stephanie demands security eject this woman, however since Brie has a ticket she can’t be ejected. Brie snatches the microphone and now she’s committed an offense that can get her kicked out. She calls Stephanie a BITCH yet again. Steph strikes Brie, and Brie fights back only to be escorted from the arena. Now our match officially starts and ends as soon as the ladies jump Nikki and hold her down for the Alicia Fox scissor kick. The heel divas then toss Nikki on the ground like a piece of garbage. Stephanie says she won’t stop until Nikki does what Brie did and quit. All this segment really does is serve to remind us the Bella Twins are HORRIBLE actresses even by pornographic standards.
While Nikki cries like a woman who just got a blue pregnancy test back we’re reminded Flo Rida is going to be here solely to annoy the living hell out of everyone on planet earth with an IQ over the number 60. Allegedly there was a nipple slip on Nikki Bella and I missed it. I don’t bother to find it because I don’t care. I mean what are you guys, 12? I’ve seen plenty of titties and plenty of nipples in my life. Unless what I missed is the chance for Nikki Bella to physically sit on my dick I couldn’t care less.
It’s time to get inspirational, Michael.
Damien Sandow is out here dressed like LeBron James. What a failure. No black-face. I’m not sure who the heel here is. Sandow acts as a heel but everyone hates Bo except me. Sandow is squashed by the Bo-Dog and we move on with our day. Nothing of value was lost. Nothing of value was gained either. We’re told that while we were NOT using the WWE APP (WhichYouMustOMGDownloadTheAppRightNow) something happened backstage.
Because we didn’t watch on OMGTHEWWEAPPDOWNLOADITORWEWILLSHOOTYOU we don’t know why Jericho isn’t here but we do know the Wyatts did something to him. On PLZPLZDOWNLOADTHEWWEAPP Jericho was attacked by the Wyatt Family backstage and now we get to see it. Bray uses this time to tell us that Y2J is not our savor but Bray Wyatt is. Wyatt and Jericho is far from over. He says he is chasing vengeance and Abigail told him if he did that he would dig two graves but unfortunately for Chris Jericho, Bray Wyatt is forever.
The Miz has fully transformed into Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat. This means by the third game he dies, so maybe there is hope for us all. The Miz is fighting Dolph Ziggler who THOUGHT he won the Battle Royal only to be eliminated by the Miz who hid outside the ring. I’d care but dried paint is about as relevant as Ziggler at this point and unlike the rest of the Internet I don’t really care whether Ziggler is buried or not. Even the crowd doesn’t seem to be all that into this one. Oddly enough after being dead for a long period of time they start a THIS IS AWESOME chant after Ziggler counters a Figure 4 and Miz kicks out of a FameAsser. Ziggler finally wins with a Zig-Zag. BUT… this was non-title which makes it non-point as well.
Backstage HHH is explaining to Seth Rollins he won’t get a title shot because he is Mr. Money in the Bank and has that shot whenever he wants. Rollins says he can’t cash in as long as Dean Ambrose is around. Cesaro approaches backstage and says he will get the job done any time he is in a title match and wants a match with John Cena. Cesaro officially renounces Paul Heyman and says he wants to join The Authority which Rollins takes offense to. A light bulb flashes in HHH’s mind and he puts Cesaro in the ring with Dean Ambrose to take care of some unfinished business for the Authority.
AJ and Paige are in tag action next. I’m tired of AJ. She looks burnt, she appears to have lost weight, and just… looks like anyone CM Punk has sex with for a long period of time – a mess. Melted. Paige, however, I enjoy because… BECAUSE THE MEAT IS STILL FRESH!
Natalya steals the spotlight from Tyson Kidd and Emma steals iPhone cases from Wal-Mart so this is a great team. The Frienemies wins after AJ causes Natalya to tap out to the Octopus/Black Widow/whatever you want to call it. Once AJ and Paige win, Paige turns on AJ and begins beating the crap out of AJ, headbutting her repeatedly, screaming in her face and tossing her outside to the mat. Paige screams that this is her house.
Fandango is dancing alone and probably masturbating a lot due to the sudden lack of a female. He’s fighting Zack Ryder. The chicks come out here with Zack Ryder which is horrible. Summer Rae and Layla hanging with Zack is pretty petty even by revenge standards. Why don’t they just eat an AIDS-flavored ice cream cone in front of Fandango while they are at it? Ryder wins when Layla helps make sure Fandango’s foot on the ropes isn’t seen by the referee. This is a horrible moment in the universe where Ryder wins anything.
I quickly forget all about Ryder and his stupid win because Layla’s ass.
No. Nobody cares, Flo Rida. The only way you could be hated worse by WWE fans is if you took Renee Young and bent her over and fucked her in front of all the horny nerd fans that love her. Instead he shoves Heath Slater for an altercation at Wrestlemania 28 nobody even remembers.
After Flo RIda annoys us with the only 2 songs he even has, Stephanie McMahon is consulted by security that something is going on. Maybe somebody tried to kill Flo Rida. A gentlemen shows Stephanie a badge. It looks like Stephanie is under arrest – probably for making us all listen to that horrible Flo RIda crap. That’s cruel and unusual punishment even by McMahon family standards.
This is all a cop out to get Brie back on the roster when the McMahons have to bargain with her to have the charges dropped. In the meantime I’ll just suspend disbelief and make shitty jokes that Stephanie is the one who stole the iPhone case, not Emma, and that Stephanie McMahon will be appearing on Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black in a WWE/Netflix crossover. Brie Bella was clearly protected by Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law.
Joey Mercury asks HHH about the decision for Summerslam but HHH tells him family comes first and he can’t do this right now. HHH turns around and says “she’s going to have to get processed” and “the lawyers are already there.” Scumbag HHH and Scumbag Mercury decide not to leave until AFTER RAW Is over.
Rybaxel are taking on Big E and Kofi Kingston in a match nobody cares about which might be deemed “more pointless than Flo Rida.”
GREAT NEWS! RYBAXEL NOW COMES IN BLACK AND IS WRESTLING ITSELF. Yawn. No.
RACE WAR! Whites win again!
Xavier Woods shows up and basically implies that they all need to be taken more seriously… …in a WHITE suit. The race war will continue. Can’t wait for Xavier Woods, Big E and Kofi Kingston vs. George Zimmerman at Summerslam. Well this just went from RyBlackel to the 3 Man Black.
Shouldn’t the three black guys come back out here and kill Rusev for all the times he jobbed them out?
Lana and Rusev are almost immediately interrupted by the Great Khali so that they don’t offend any butthurt people who dislike the Pro-Russia promos. Also Michael Cole says Khali is a great test for Rusev – a test of what? Didn’t this guy just get his ass kicked by Bo Dallas last week? Khali is only a test to us… of how much we can take watching this crap before we break.
After Rusev murders an Indian guy, Stardust is spinning in a circle holding a blue ball and quoting Willy Wonka. That’s one of my balls from not getting laid since Obama took office. I love Goldust and Stardust – I don’t care what any of you say. It’s so creepy and rapey you can’t help but love it.
Cesaro vs. Dean Ambrose starts and should be a solid match, probably a brawl. Ambrose seems to take control in the early going, clotheslining Cesaro to the outside and following up with a dive, tossing him against the security wall – I like the psychotic offense. Once Cesaro sends Ambrose shoulder-first into the ringpost, the match turns around. Great match between two highly talented individuals. Crowd really seemed into this one as well, which always helps. Although this match is awesome, Ambrose goes into psychopath mode, deliberately chairshots Cesaro and begins throwing chairs like a maniac. I love maniac Ambrose. Cesaro runs away while Ambrose stands around with weird white shit in his mouth.
…This also happens to be how most slash fanfic involving the Shield ends. After the commercial break our REAL main event is HHH making his decision about the Summerslam opponent for John Cena. Randy Orton tries to come out only for Roman Reigns to beat the crap out of him in the aisleway, making both men disappear to the backstage area while brawling.
Paul Heyman appears and says he hates to interrupt HHH but Randy Orton being Plan A doesn’t work with Roman Reigns around and Plan B Seth Rollins is great but Ambrose is going to stop Plan B EVERY time and that’s why Paul Heyman would like to present HHH with Plan C – the DANGEROUS choice.
BRRRRROOOOCCCKKK…. LESNAR!!! HE CONQUERED THE STREAK. Brock and HHH shake hands and it might as well be official – Brock Lesnar will take on John Cena for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Heyman cuts one of his epic tale promos about the John Cena fans and the “CENA SUCKS” fan and that John Cena is in for the beating of a lifetime. Heyman says there is NO ESCAPE in this match and that even if Cena tried to forfeit it would not save him from the beating Brock Lesnar will give. That beautiful promo closes that night. I just wanna see Brock kill Cena. It just sounds like something I would want to see. It appeals to me in a bloodlust sense and I am okay with that. So even though it’s the surprise everybody knew about, even though the match has happened before, and even though Cena will probably STILL overcome the odds, knowing his face is going to get turned into hamburger meat while he does is amusing to me. However, the rest of this show was pretty memorable and lackluster so excuse me while I do things like shower and leave to watch Under the Dome. These three hour tours called RAW take a lot of out of me. See you next week.