I guess it’s that time of the week I recap NXT on my now-syndicated recaps which are also available on several other websites. If you’re new to my work I’m Riv and I watch RAW for those who don’t have the time to sit through three hours but want to stay current with the WWE, and I watch NXT for people who don’t have the network or can’t justify that “extra hour” of wrestling in their schedules. This is kind of like community service. I also do many other writing and podcast projects every week on listentothisshow.com so feel free to check me out there as well. Anyway, I’m going to try to make this quick and painless – legitimately quick and painless, not like when you go to a doctor and they tell you “this won’t hurt” and then jam a needle the size of an arm up your ass.
Fair warning to new readers by the way – I have a pretty raw, unfiltered, and some would consider vulgar sense of humor so if you can’t handle that, it’s on you because I’m not in the business of apologizing for what I write.
The WWE Signature airs: Then, Now, Forever (or at least until I get bored of this and re-evaluate my entire life). We’re followed by the NXT Intro straight away. I’m surprised they didn’t roll a “previously on” video showing us the events of NXT which as of late seems to focus around Natalya’s Husband Tyson Kidd and his frustration at being overlooked for the likes of Adrian Neville, Sami Zayn and other new talent. He has started to use Natalya as a tool to win matches and has also brainwashed Justin Gabriel into acting the same way.
Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady are starting things off in tag team action tonight. Amore is back after an injury which kept him out of the ring for several months. It’s good to see him back as these two actually get a reaction from the NXT crowd due to their misspelling of “SAWFT” (and we wonder why everyone else on earth thinks us wrestling fans are retarded people). Still, I got a bit of a “sawft” spot for these guys as they are repping New York City, my birthplace and original hometown. Bada-bing bada-boom, realest guys in the room. William Regal sums up Enzo Amore with one sentence “I love him and want to punch him in the face at the same time.” I love when Regal is the man in the booth for NXT; the guy is hilarious.
Amore & Cassady are taking on the Vaudevillains, the team of Aiden English and Simon Gotch, who have been amusing the crowd as of late – however there is history between Amore/Cassady and Aiden English whom the duo had been feuding with for a decent amount of time.
The Vaudevillains have a pretty interesting black-and-white entrance and a look like they just stepped out of a 1929 silent movie. They also kind of look like guys that kidnap children and tie them up to the radiator in a dirty basement. Still, they get a reaction and in order to make it from NXT to main roster you have to be able to keep the crowd interested. William Regal, however, has a man crush on these two and makes sure to let Byron Saxton and Tom Philips know about it.
Simon Gotch seriously freaks me out. He has a face that’s like Gomez Adams meets prison rape. The one gripe I have about the Vaudevillains is it’s the end of Aiden’s ridiculous singing gimmick, which I found highly amusing. Aiden and Enzo lock up with Aiden taking advantage and singing while he locks his offense in. English reminds me of the guy from Goonies who sings while tormenting Chunk. It’s not often English is the big man in the ring but Enzo is a smaller opponent and Aiden English takes control while Regal talks about “sword swallowing” which I think is what he wants to do to the Vaudevillains. Finally after a little bit of offense by Aiden, Big Cass is tagged in and the commentators remind us Cassady and English had a long rivalry. Now it’s Aiden who tags Gotch, the strong man of his team, but Cass keeps control and begins chanting S-A-W-F…
…Glass Joe’s theme from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out comes out which can only mean the two Really Gay French Guys are coming out here, the team of Sylvester LeFort and Other Guy (so unmemorable I keep forgetting his name; can’t we just dig up Renee Dupree from whatever grave his career is buried in?). Oh, yes the one without the beard is Marcus Louis. Thank you commentary team for reminding me, because I seriously did not remember, and truth be told I didn’t care. I just like referring to this team as the Gay French Men instead of the Legionnaires. I mean look at what they’re wearing. Those skin-tight long-sleeve shirts do them no favors. Oh, and I forgot the match was going on, too. Gotch rolls Cass up off the distraction be Le Petit Ecolliers over here, feuling a rivalry between Enzo/Cass and the country of France.
Since Saxton and Philips are afraid of William Regal’s raging Vaude-Boner, the powers that be at NXT send CJ Parker out here to kill Regal’s hard-on. For some reason CJ Parker’s upgraded new attire, entrance theme, and Titantron make his hippie gimmick much more amusing to me. Before he was just a generic annoying 1960s hallucinogen-abusing hippie who spun around in circles like an overly amused retarded kid. Now he’s just one of those annoying 2014 hippies who comes off as a colossal douchebag who stinks up the sidewalks near your favorite government building under protest. It’s more with the times and it works a little better in my opinion. He reminds me of those annoying sorts that are easily offended by EVERYTHING you say or do on social media.
CJ Parker’s opponent is Xavier Woods, whom he has been feuding with “because Xavier Woods is a doctor” or something stupid like that. I feel bad for Woods who has basically been banished back to NXT because there’s really not a good spot for him on the main roster. “Being R-Truth’s friend” isn’t really that interesting. “Stealing Brodus Clay’s music” really isn’t that interesting. It’s a shame because Woods is competent on the microphone and talented in the ring, but “midcard black guy” is a crowded spot so unless Truth retires or Kofi Kingston gets injured, here Xavier Woods sits, wrestling a guy whose gimmick is that he “doesn’t use soap because soap is manufactured by the evil corporations” or some shit like that. Parker wins the match with a roll-up and by using the ropes to gain leverage while the referee isn’t looking in a rather dull match.
Devin Taylor interviews Seth Rogen about his new movie The Interview and Kim Jong Un declaring it an act of terrorism against North Korea. Oh, wait, no… that’s Sami Zayn which means these two are going to talk about Natalya’s Husband. I don’t dislike Sami’s mic skills but he’s a bit too easy going in every promo, which leads me to pay more attention to Devin Taylor and wonder if she takes dick in the bum. Zayn with his nice guy voice says he just wants to embarrass Tyson Kidd for his increasingly bad attitude tonight.
Alexa Bliss blows glitter at us. I wonder if she realizes Stardust stole that from her yet. Bliss is hot in cheerful, fun-sized-girl sort of way. Bliss cuts a pre-match promo about how the last time Sasha Banks and Alexa Bliss met in the ring, Sasha felt the sting from her bling. Oh man, that’s just painful. One is talking about bling and the other is decked out in it like a really loud gaudy car in the ghetto…
…I would probably take Sasha Banks more seriously if her entrance attire wasn’t so atrocious. Sasha is out here alone because Charlotte, Sasha, and Summer have all split up. Bliss almost wins with a roll-up immediately. Bliss goes for a second twisting roll-up again. That one doesn’t do it and Sasha takes control with a dropkick then begins wearing Bliss down. It is fun to watch Bliss work in the ring because she’s pretty flexible and athletic and I equate that with sex. However, we’re not seeing a lot of that as Sasha is in firm control of the match. Banks takes Bliss out with a Backstabber, float-over-into-a-crossface victory. The story here is Banks is more successful without Charlotte or Summer in her corner.
Devin Taylor now gets to interview Natalya’s Husband on what it’s like to be married to Natalya! Nattie’s Husband is asked about what happened with Natalya last week. Natalya’s Husband is insulted that this conversation is about Natalya and that when she talks to Sami Zayn she doesn’t interview him about his family. Natalya’s Husband says that he knows his wife can take care of herself and that accidents happen (when she was knocked off the apron last week) – this week, when he defeats Sami Zayn it won’t be an accident. He leaves to go clean the cat litter and hold Natalya’s purse while she pees.
It’s time for Adam Rose, a guy whose gimmick seemed to translate better on NXT than on the main WWE roster. It’s a shame as something about the partygoer gimmick is hilarious and obnoxious. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again that he might be able to get good heel heat if he decides to throw parties at inappropriate times, such as after a referee throws up an X for an injured wrestler, or interrupts good promos and other vital, important segments. He’s very polarizing. Either people love his gimmick or people despise him and want him gone from the earth. I find gimmicks that cause people immense anger to be hilarious and I like watching people get infuriated.
Wow, you know you suck cock when they don’t even spell your name on the Titantron correctly. Jason “can’t seem to find a good spot on the NXT roster” Jordan is the opponent tonight.
I’m not really sure what the hell they are doing with this guy. His NXT-proper career started when he and now Tyler Breeze (then Mike Dalton) got an upset victory over Hunico and Camacho. Jordan and Dalton were then murdered, Jordan began to job to random people before resurfacing in a team with Tye Dillinger, and they appeared to be babyfaces. Now Jordan is without Dillinger only a few short weeks later and appears to be working as a heel.
I think it’s safe to say JJ is the next Danny Burch. Remember THAT guy? We get a brief pre-recorded promo where Jordan claims Tye was injured and hasn’t been seen since and the last people to see him were the Rosebuds so he is going to get to the bottom of this. I’d be pissed and want to get to the bottom of it too. The last time he had a partner abandon him he became a little gay model dude that sings his own entrance theme. Jason Jordan Private NXT Investigator might actually have some merit as a gimmick. Just send the guy out to get people and question and interrogate them on what happened to his partner and where he went. Make him increasingly accusatory and paranoid. Hey, it can work.
A budding romance will begin during this match. Jordan is thoroughly disgusted and tries to drop Adam Rose. GLAAD won’t like that. Apologize at once, Jason Jordan!
Rose continues his sexual advances towards JJ by trying to make him eat ass. I am not making this up. He actually puts his ass in Jordan’s face as an offensive maneuver. Apparently this must mean the Rosebuds took Ty Dillinger to a Gay Conversion Camp to re-educate him. Adam Rose eventually drops Jordan with the Party Foul for the win. Jason Jordan is doomed. Just ask Adam Rose’s other NXT opponents, Danny Burch and Camacho – oh you can’t because they are fired. Oops.
Devin Taylor now interviews Kalisto, who WWE should probably start pushing since Rey Mysterio’s knee can’t stay in one piece for more than 37 seconds and because that Sin Cara thing was a resounding failure, too (not because of Hunico but because of the guy before Hunico not adjusting to the WWE well).
Kalisto, who seems a competent on the microphone is interrupted by the Vaudevillains (because they probably mistook Kalisto for a little boy they can take home) and everything goes black and white – that’s so racist. There is no room for brown people in the black and white world; I see what you’re getting at, WWE.
The Vaudevillains won’t speak and instead force Kalisto to talk to their signs as they ask where El Local is and Kalisto says that he and El Local parted ways, which makes you wonder if Ricardo Rodriguez is not long for the WWE world. Kalisto says he will find a NEW partner and face the Vaudevillains next week. Well, this is interesting: NXT has a tag division now.
Natalya’s Husband is on the way to the ring for our main event. The commentators are focused on Natalya. Everyone is focused on Natalya. Does this guy even have a name? I forgot it. Sami Zayn is out next. I’ve never been a fan of ska music so his WWE entrance theme annoys the shit out of me. This should be a great match, although there’s only about ten minutes left in the show. Natalya’s Husband is hesitant to lock up in the early going and a NATTIE’S HUSBAND chant starts. I don’t know if that’s anything to be ashamed of though in all honesty – have you seem the types of women wrestling fans tend to go home with? That’s if they get women at all. I’ve been in a relationship with my hand for YEARS. If people chanted “Nattie’s Husband” at me I would wear it like a badge of honor. This match doesn’t really have much of anything going on early other than a TYSON CHICKEN chant. Finally Husband begins fighting Zayn outside and suplexes him onto the steel entry ramp. Finally these guys really start locking up and things begin to impress. Zayn begins to show fire and rage in this match which is good. I want to see more aggression in this guy in general. After a great match, Sami Zayn forces Husband to tap out in the Koji Clutch for the win. Well done, and quite enjoyable. But where des Husband go from here? To pick out drakes? To buy new furniture at Ikea? What’s next for NXT? I guess we will find out next week.