From The Archives: Ariane B: The Virtual Date From Hell.

As I said on yesterday's episode of Asked I don't even get baseball cards (nudes) from ladies at the rate of one nude a week.  And the last time I went on a date?  It was this one - the virtual date with Ariane B., which I reviewed on the original - Ariane B. feels like she was the "first hoe" or something.  Surprisingly however this was a fun little browser-based game and I had to chronicle my experiences on it.  Now, by popular demand (and by "popular demand" I mean I selected this article at random) it is back for all of you to enjoy as well.

Well, since you asked nicely.

“Ariane B” is a dating game posted several years back by a member of our forums (which you can visit the newest version of by clicking here). You have a date simulator here with a woman Ariane B. The goal is simple: Hit a home-run on the first date - that’s right - nail her. Actually the goal isn’t simple, it just sounds that way. Ariane is probably the most temperamental, bipolar, difficult woman to NOT actually exist, and I’m pretty sure the B. stands for “BITCH.”


Upon meeting Ariane B, I have the options to tell her a joke, compliment her clothing, or give her a hug. Using my natural skills of wit and charm I opt for the joke.

Wow, what a bad joke. I think the female members of my forums would strongly disagree with you there, dating sim!

After the joke which makes her laugh I can compliment her clothing or her hairstyle, or again give her a hug. I opt to compliment her outfit since complimenting her hair probably makes me sound like a gay. She asks for a kiss after this and I can either try to jam my tongue down her throat, kiss her cheek, or try to grab her tits. I think there’s only one option here that you can continue the date, and I start to wonder if this game should be “Man Training” after all for the idiots that would legitimately go for the chest grab or the French kiss. Not that there’s anything wrong with French kissing, but it’s kind of early in the date for that, so I go for the kiss on the cheek.

I am now asked if I am under or over the age of 18 because I assume if I am under that Dateline NBC will come in here and take Ariane away. Since I’m already in her house in a real life scenario she should probably already know my age. After telling her I get the option to read her poetry, play rock/paper/scissors with her, put my hands in her hair or turn on some music.

Unfortunately for all you nerds out there, J-Pop isn’t an option, nor are Videogame Soundtracks, or Wrestler Entrance Themes, almost all of which would probably guarantee a woman running for the hills anyway. I go for soft rock, because that’s probably the most romantic choice of the four.


I see she has enjoyed my dance, and I have the option of kissing her neck, kissing her lips, or sitting back on the couch like a dumbass. I go for the lips kiss just because she says that this has set a romantic mood. Now, I don’t necessarily think or know if this works well in the real world that you can just kiss a woman you’ve only been on a date on for five minutes but for the intents and purposes of the game, I’m going to run with it.

Ariane tells me she’s hungry (and no not for cock, not yet anyway). I suggest we go to another room and we have the layout of her house. You can go out, to the bathroom, to the bedroom, to the kitchen or outside for a walk. Don’t ever underestimate the bathroom. It can be sexy - my friend Michael had a bathroom that countless people had sex in. (No I am not one of them). I don’t know what he had in there, but it made people want to have sex with their girlfriends/boyfriends. Me? It only made me want to take a piss or a dump. Since Ariane is hungry, I can either take her out to eat or to the kitchen, but I’m thinking the kitchen is the best option.

In the kitchen you can either cook steaks or drink wine. I go for the wine first. Still it annoys me that Ariane only seems to drink wine, and there’s no vodka, beer, tequila, or anything else; you can actually get certain other types of alcohol but at first she’s pretty insistent on that wine, annoyingly so since only 2-3 glasses knocks her out. Also why the hell is her kitchen so empty?  Maybe she has an eating disorder.


Since it is, I suggest going out to dinner - there’s just something unnerving and creepy about this house. She gets changed and there’s a shot of computer-rendered ass-in-jeans as she walks to her room. A lesser, more desperate person would probably get a boner on some 3D graphics but not me.  I am however desperate enough that I get a semi. 

I have to wonder why the restaurant, much like Ariane’s kitchen, is so empty. I feel like I am in an alternate world which has moved on, or where Ariane has killed everyone by giving them low ratings on their dates with her causing them to commit suicide. Unnerved slightly by this, I continue on.

After dinner, she decides to hit the club. Oh joy! My favorite place (sarcasm since most clubs involve stupid people, which tend to annoy me quickly), which we finally have a few people exist in the background but they look like anything but club-goers. They kinda just look like really bad characters from The Sims or something. She wants me to shake it. I don’t think I can do that in public without getting a felony.

As we are dancing, some guy who looks like Willem Dafoe from the first Spider-Man film comes over and pulls Ariane’s dress down to expose her titty while we are dancing, which is probably what most of YOU creepy guys would do in public. I now have the option of punching him in the face. I understand a punch is more or less a common reaction, but I’m a bit miffed that there’s no option to simply roundhouse kick this asshole, which is a bit much, yes, but sounds so much better.


After punching him you get kicked out of the club, yet the bouncer doesn’t seem to denote the fact that the sleazoid’s actions could have constituted and counted as sexual assault. Ariane sees an amusement park on the way home and wants to go to it, so I oblige.


She gets soaked on the ride, and we go home, and I am rated for the date on a scale of 1 to 10. I get a 7. Oh well, at least it’s not a 5/10 or below, making it above average. And to be fair I would say that it was a pretty decent evening. Of course this game is a game where the goal is to bed Ariane on the first date, and so morals-and-right-thing-be-damned. Now let’s see what happens when I embrace my not-so-nice-side.


From the kitchen I now barbecue some steaks. After eating a romantic dinner, for some reason she’s still hungry and wants to go to Burger King because Diddy said BK is open late. She has only “heard” that Burger King has good burgers, so either she’s been living under a rock or she’s from one of those Slavic countries that waits in line six hours for bread. Either way, to Burger King we go.


It’s rather unromantic but I enjoy the fact our Ariane can put away some food and not make me feel like a fat pig by doing so. She decides we should go to an art museum next, because you know, that logically always follows a $5.75 dinner.

You now have to get a series of art questions right to continue to impress her.  Who the hell would give you a quiz on a date to begin with? Fortunately the browsers have a back button, so since I don’t remember 11th grade art history I can just fake it. This time on the way back I bypass that stupid cockblock amusement park and take her home where she changes into her bikini as I suggest swimming in the pool.

After a race which I intentionally throw we end up in the hot tub together at my suggestion. I even convince her to drink more wine. However, she gets bored quickly. There used to be a way to seduce her in here but I’ve since forgotten it (sadly this is not my first go-around with Ariane). I convince her to go to the convenience store. She says her friend won’t mind if she wears a bikini and it’s pretty obvious as to why that is. We buy beer from her friend who looks like some kind of Powerdyke. At this point I also have the option of buying porno mags, which amuses me simply because if you’re buying porn on a date with a woman it’s probably not going to end well for you unless there’s some kind of joke in the whole thing she is digging.


After a few beers I go for the dreaded tit grab and meet with great success.


I follow up with a kiss, and combo it up with the ass grab. This is effective chain molesting. I think I’ve been watching too much hentai anime as of late.


She runs out of beer but suggests some whiskey. This is a long way from the older versions of the Ariane B game where she would literally get drunk after two glasses of wine. By the way it is a huge turn off when a woman can’t hold her alcohol.

Never mind. She drunk herself unconscious. And yes, she wakes up if you attempt to pull a football player-rapist move and kicks you out.

I rewind time through the majesty of the back button and play basketball with her outside.


She distracts me with the tit flash which is one of my favorite dirty tactics a woman can use to win any game.

That didn’t work to getting her in bed either - it seems the game is on a time limit of sorts and you only have a limited number of actions so I have to flash back to the beginning. This is difficult. It feels like one of Will Smith’s plots to get laid from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air or something.

I go all the way back to the beginning and convince her to Hot Tub it after about two drinks. The T or D on the right initiates Truth or Dare.


Another tit-grab as the result of a dare. Eventually I dare her completely naked in fact.


I convince her to skinny dip in the pool and as I grab her breasts she counters with the cock-grab of doom.


Still it’s not letting me act on it and it could just be Google Chrome cockblocking me with script errors. We return to the convenience store run by the scary dyke only this time I’ve convinced Ariane to go to the convenience store in just her towel. I then pay her $20 to go into the store naked.

Everybody’s got a price for the Million err… $20 Man!

About time!  If this was a real woman I'd be at full mast from this view. Sadly its a PS1-level render so I just am sort of "eh" about the whole thing other than feeling like I've finally won.  And by winning this game I am losing at life.  Time to claim my prize.

Apparently returning home and to her bedroom gets her horny, and the game seems to teach you that the way to true romance is through enough alcohol and well-timed dares which I’m not sure I agree with because this is not how it works in the real world, or if it is how it works in the real world I’ve been dating the wrong women.


I’m not sure if those are sex noises or a Disturbed song. I’m guessing they’re singing Down with the Sickness while screwing, but what do I know?


Of course what guy is going to say NO? Especially after having to play guessing games as to what she likes, hitting the back button over and over and trying to not come across as a jackass? You know what - dating in the REAL WORLD probably could use a back button sometimes. And by the way for those who prefer doggy-style, yes I’m pretty sure there is in fact a way to nail her from behind. I know way too much about this game. :-(


I’ve never known a woman to yell YEE-HAW while riding me, and I’m not quite sure I want to because it might ruin the mood.

Hooray! I win the game with a 10/10! It only took me about 3-4 hours of my life, constant hitting of the back button, and trying to find the correct sequence of things to do to bang Ariane B. And yet I don’t feel satisfied, just kind of pathetic and sad. It’s like the feeling you get when you’re done masturbating only worse, and with no ejaculation (unless you are COMPLETELY socially ruined, at which point there’s a chance you might find the 3-D Ariane render sexually attractive).

In the time that you waste on Ariane B, you can either likely impress a real girl or make your girlfriend a happier person (although chances are high that if you’re spending a lot of time on Ariane that you don’t actually have one). I’m really not quite sure if this is a social experiment, complete waste of time, or one of the most randomly and unintentionally amusing things ever. Needless to say the developer of the game put a lot of work into it, and there are many other scenarios I did not unlock or delve into. My only gripe would be that I think the game needs a bit more of the actual legitimate psychology down as to the male-female dynamic, but then again this is America, and most people these days have sex after only one date anyway. 

Either way if YOU want to take the Ariane B challenge, and are socially dysfunctional enough to put the hours of time into trying to nail her in one night, check it out at - Finding the pieces... without the Puzzle